Authors' Notes:  Well, PM and I will continue to dispute who his responsible for this fic.  I say that it was her, because she's the one with all of the skunks!  Just because I had a demented vision of Yami no Malik getting a better look at some tomato juice… well, who wouldn't love that?  Not my fault!  And so, "Sprayed" was born.  This chapter is purely absurd.  PM and I are well aware of that.  We just wanted to give an amusing background chapter, and really, PM and I won't be making much (if any) of an appearance in the rest of the fic.  This fic is almost if not completely for the sake of humor.  We thought it only fitting that we put in a little cameo to get things started.  How else could I prove that PM, deep down, is truly evil?  On the other hand, I, of course, am nothing like this in real life.  Whereas PM is only more evil.  Yeah, who thinks that PM's going to want to get revenge and write the chapter notes next time around?  Too bad she's going to be out of the country.  *smirks*  --Neph

Summary:  How to bathe Yami no Malik in tomato juice without being sacrificed to the darkness.  A cautionary tale.  A certain black and white creature pays a visit to Yami no Malik.  The lingering aroma left in its wake causes problems for a certain omote.  Yami no Bakura* Malik

Other pairings will also be putting in an appearance later on. *grins*

Chapter 1

A Cunning Plan

It was late one night--because really, don't all of the most absurd bouts of stupidity take place when one is sleep deprived? This was not to mention that Nephthys, the author who cannot spell her own name half the time, had just consumed a large quantity of fresh pineapple. For the record, whenever Neph eats pineapple past 11pm, she gets very giddily hyper. Frighteningly so.

To make matters worse, she was paying a visit to PM, whose home is notable in that it happens to be in close proximity to skunks, who happen to like to spray. Often.

"Do you know what would be really funny?" Neph asked, pinching her nose shut and laughing somewhat maniacally all the same. "If Yami no Malik got sprayed by one of your skunks!"

"They're not my skunks," PM grumbled as she slammed the sliding door shut for the fourth time that week (it was a Thursday, by the way). "And if they were my skunks, I would barbecue them along with a side dish of fried peacocks."

PM was also having problems with peacocks. Well, PM had problems with lots of things, but skunks and peacocks were topping the list.

"Besides," she continued as she wondered why the friendly neighborhood red-tailed hawk had yet to eat the before-mentioned pests, "do they even have skunks in Japan?"

Neph frowned a bit at the question. She liked to appear as an absolute authority on all things, but unfortunately, she had little idea as to whether or not there were actually skunks in Japan. "It seems like there might be. I mean, the climate doesn't seem wrong. And hell, if we can wind up with Tiger mosquitoes from a shipful of waterlogged used tires, then I don't see any reason why we couldn't have sent them some skunks before now. Accidentally, of course..."

Then Neph began to grin in a way that tended to bode ill for all involved in the story. "Say... what if we sent a skunk to Japan?"

"We'd probably get arrested by customs and they will accuse us of being terrorists or something along those lines. Why?" PM asked, acting just as a total idiot would. Which was perfectly alright, since PM was a self-proclaimed idiot who was probably going to die next year from taking classes that were much too difficult for her.

(On the other side of the Pacific Ocean, several characters in a certain show gave a huge sigh of relief at PM's stupidity.)

Neph sighed and shook her head in long-suffering fashion. "I didn't say that we should try to sneak a skunk through customs. That would never work." She was convinced that this was all a ploy by PM to try to get her to take tests for her, which was never going to happen. In any case, Neph proceeded to explain the plan. "We should mail the skunk to him anonymously. After all, there are bound to be convenient means for shipping a live skunk to Yami no Malik in Japan. And he'll sign for it, open the package, and then, ka-blam! He'll be sprayed. Think of the hilarity, PM. Think of it!"  With that, Neph excitedly grabbed PM's shoulders and began to shake her, thinking that PM didn't look nearly enthusiastic enough (and, of course, shaking her was going to fix that, no problem).

Of course PM wasn't enthusiastic about sending a skunk to Yami no Malik. The idea was, admittedly, amusing... but she was also convinced that Yami no Malik was a psychopath and would have no qualms about killing and removing organs from two certain writers. Finally, after threatening Neph with a variety of interesting hentai fanarts of Yami no Yuugi-uke (those work every time), PM was able to get far, far away from Neph.

Then she started whining. PM was VERY good at whining.

"But I don't want to die! He's going to find out, I know he is. And then he's going to kill us. And I don't WANT to die!"

Neph was still regarding PM rather suspiciously, as she was dangerously close to the computer, where said fanarts most definitely lurked. Of course, when PM started whining, Neph couldn't help but cringe a bit. Behold, the power of PM's whining.

This time, however, she was not going to give in and drop the decidedly dangerous idea. Neph simply shook her head. "No, he won't. Because that wouldn't be an interesting story at all. I mean, who would want to read about the two of us on the lam from a pissed-off Yami no Malik? And if it gets that far, I'll simply dip him in chocolate." (For purposes entirely un-related to this fic, Neph had laid hands on a device with just such capabilities. To say nothing of the apple-flavored Ryuuji that was returned to PM... still don't know what happened to him.)

"He can't be homicidal if he's chocolate, right? I've heard that chocolate has the same endorphins in it as arise from sex... so by my estimation, he should be one happy Yami no Malik by then..." Yes, it was absurd logic, but hey, what did one expect from an authoress who wanted to mail a skunk to Yami no Malik? "Oh~! And we can put a fake return address on the skunk, so that if he does have the urge to kill, he can head over and have a ball with those loud neighbors of yours." Neph grinned. She didn't see how PM could refuse that. Next to the skunks and the peacocks, those neighbors seemed to be the most prominent of her neighborhood pestilences.

Despite the obvious danger involved, PM couldn't help but be swayed by Neph's arguments. About the neighbors, not the chocolate though. PM had barely heard the argument involving the chocolate because as soon as Neph had mentioned it, she had been drawn back into her fantasies about certain anime characters covered in the before-mentioned substance. Luckily, her fantasies were too NC-17ish to be mentioned in this story.

"I guess so..." she muttered, weighing the pros and cons of her decision in this. With Neph's plans, the worst-case scenario in all this was that PM would no longer have to listen to the neighbor's yapping dog at six in the morning. The best-case scenario was... was basically the worst-case scenario.

Still, PM had some qualms. After all, this idea was coming from a fellow writer. And if there was one thing PM had learned, fanfic writers usually had to be a little short of sanity. If one looked at this idea from a LOGICAL standpoint, it was very ridiculous and most likely dangerous. After all, PM still wasn't sure about the concept of getting the skunk past customs anyway. And how would the skunk survive a trip all the way to Japan? Wouldn't it be dead before it even got there?

Sighing, PM accidentally took a deep breath. And since PM had closed the door a little too late, that meant she got a huge breath of skunk odor. Which meant PM was not at all happy with the skunks.

Making up her mind, PM turned to Neph and smiled as innocently as she could. Which wasn't very innocent because people tended to run away screaming when she tried that. Neph, for example, looked positively terrified by PM's attempts to be innocent, especially since only minutes before she had been threatening to show off her collection of... well, THAT.

"All right, Nephthys-san!" PM chirped. "However, since this was your idea, it means that YOU have to get the skunk."

Yes, Nephthys was very frightened when PM gave her that supposedly innocent smile. Innocent would describe it... if by innocent, one meant ominous. Otherwise, it was far from it. For a moment, Neph feared that the Yami fanart was about to surface, and she grabbed a pillow in case she needed to cover her eyes in a hurry.

Of course, given what PM suggested, Neph might have preferred the fanart. "But they're YOUR skunks..." Neph whined pleadingly. "I'm sure that they'd listen to you. Besides, how in the hell am I supposed to catch one of them?" Neph began to pout, but then she had an idea. Admittedly, it might have been a very stupid idea. But, since this story is not about to dwell on Neph's attempts to hunt down and capture a skunk, it was an idea that would work.

Of course, it took a few things... soon enough, the trap was baited and set. It was a pet-carrier... and inside of it was a can of cat food. Neph had read somewhere that skunks would eat cat food. So, all she had to do was put it near to the skunks, hide, and wait for one to go for the food, before she could rush out and zip the carrier shut.

Bad idea. Very bad idea. Suffice it to say that several hours later, Neph returned, reeking of skunk, but with one of the furry black-and-white creatures zipped into the carrier. "I call him, 'Skunkzilla'. You see, apparently skunks really, really like cat food. They weren't too happy about there being only one can. Hence..." Neph gestured to her harried appearance and skunk-scented body. "This one fought all of the others off. And he was the only one that didn't try to spray me. Yet," Neph added, regarding the carrier warily. "Anyway, I need a bath. Or rather, several baths. So, I was thinking, you could take Skunkzilla down to the airport and get him transported in with the cargo while I clean myself up. I mean, I did catch him... and you're the one who knows your neighbors' address. Unless you'd prefer for me to come give you a nice big hug?" Neph asked, looking as if she weren't joking around at all.

PM winced as she backed away from Neph very quickly again. She wondered if there would be enough ketchup in the house to give Neph a tomato bath... you see, PM and her family had lots of experience with washing off skunk smell. Her dog, Goldie, seemed to make it a habit of getting sprayed by skunks. Once, Goldie had gotten a bath... and being the intelligent dog she was, she had promptly run away only to get sprayed by a skunk.

Well, nobody had ever said that Goldie was intelligent.

Still, PM was very reluctant to drive with a possibly rabid skunk in a carrier. PM, first of all, did not like driving. Secondly, she was cheap and she had a feeling that sending a skunk would cost her money. So instead, she tried to plead reason with Neph, hoping desperately that her attempts would not get a skunky hug.

"Demo, Nephthys-san..." she continued to whine. "I don't have any money. My house got robbed and somebody stole all my money. So I'm broke. So I have no money. So I can't send a skunk. And I can't drive. I can barely drive to the mall without getting into an accident! What happens if I crash? What happens if I die?! What happens if Skunkzilla dies?! Then your evil plans will go to waste and you'll be overwhelmed with guilt for the rest of your life!"

Inside the carrier, Skunkzilla scowled from the high-pitched whine. He tried desperately to cover his ears, but even that didn't block out PM's whine. So he did the only thing he could think of.

He sprayed.

Neph had been all ready to lay that skunky hug on PM, when the other had begun to whine in high-pitched fashion. Neph had a sinking feeling about that, since these skunks seemed to be fairly easily provoked. She was torn between warning PM and informing PM that the only guilt she would feel would be over the demise of Skunkzilla if such a thing were to happen, since PM was far too evil to stay dead for long.

As it was, Neph managed to say neither, before Skunkzilla elected to spray. What Neph found so delightful was that the carrier had been pointing towards PM at the present time and still rested by her side. Although, much to Neph's displeasure, several droplets of spray flew up towards here, the majority of it pelted the front of PM's body.

Naturally, this inspired Neph to curse. Mostly because now she was probably going to be forced to drive PM and Skunkzilla to the airport. Not that she bought that excuse about PM having no money, because her house clearly had not been robbed.

"Fine," Neph replied, sighing again in long-suffering fashion. "We'll both clean off and then I'll drive us to the airport. You're going in, though. And I will pay... but then you're going to owe me one. I think you should have to read at least five Seto/Jounouchi fics of my choosing if I have to pay for international skunk shipping to Japan. It's only fair... Unless you'd like me to send you along with Skunkzilla?" Neph added, smiling sweetly. "I'm sure that Yami no Malik wouldn't mind getting another special surprise."

PM was too busy shrieking and wailing from the fact that she had been sprayed by a skunk. She was so busy doing the before-mentioned actions that she didn't notice what was going on until Neph had grabbed her by the shirt and shoved her into PM's car.

She had not been too busy, however, to ignore what Neph had said about the five Seto/Jounouchi fics. Egads, the horror!

"I won't read them!" PM repeated as Neph started the beat-up car. "I won't I won't I won't I won't!"

Two seconds later, the skunk sprayed again.

Approximately twenty minutes later, two harried and extremely smelly writers got out of the car (which also smelled quite badly). The hissing and spitting skunk had an uncanny similarity to Psychotic!Ryou, so PM graciously volunteered to let Neph take care of holding the carrier.

"Besides," PM added happily. "I think Skunkzilla likes you!"

Neph grudgingly took the carrier from PM, grumbling all the while as she walked inside. "You had better make that ten Seto/Jounouchi fics if you want me to carry Skunkzilla. And no shit Skunkzilla likes me... or at least he prefers me over you, since it isn't my voice that keeps compelling him to spray." Neph was still not very happy about being covered in skunk spray yet again.

Naturally, the two authors got some very strange looks as they walked through the airport, reeking of skunk and not looking much better than they smelled at the present. Of course, this did have one unexpected benefit. Rather than have to wait in line for an hour or two until they got to the front, somehow, upon their arrival and amidst much choking, the line seemed to evaporate, people seeming to be surprisingly put off by the aroma of skunk. Neph was quite pleased. "You know, I'll have to do this before I go on a fight next time... I could have the whole row to myself. Then again, they do recirculate the air in there..." So, perhaps that wasn't such a good idea. It wouldn't do for the pilot to pass out or something.

In any case, soon enough, Neph and PM were entrusting dear Skunkzilla to the special delivery animal handlers, and Neph was openly gawking at the sum of money she'd just had to pay. "You know, this had just better be worth it," she grumbled. "Who thought it would cost so damn much just to get a skunk delivered? Oh, well, at least there's a good chance Yami no Malik will deprive them of a few employees before all is said and done. I suppose the extra cost should cover hazard pay..."

"Just remember," PM grumbled as they exited the airport. "This was all your fault. And if Yami no Malik comes after me, I'm directing him to you. Why? Because this is all your fault. And none of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. So you should at least be the first one killed if Yami no Malik comes after us. Which I still am convinced he is. At least when he comes we will be able to smell him coming. But is that supposed to make me feel better? Noooo. He can probably run faster even if we get a warning. He'll probably still kill us. He'll probably still..."

What PM was going to say would never be heard. Because next thing anybody knew, Neph was dragging PM's unconscious body to the car.

Of course, she had not been the one who had thrown a heavy book (the fifth Harry Potter book, to be exact) at PM's head. No, no, no. Why on earth would you ever think of a thing like that?