Disclaimer:  We do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and hence do not own any of the characters, save Skunkzilla, since after being sprayed by him, we feel a certain proprietary claim over him.

Authors' Notes:  Yes, PM is back, but unfortunately, now school is back in session.  Fear not, because we've been adding to this fic by leaps and bounds.  It's been getting the bulk of our attention of late.  So, we've already got a few more chapters in the can.  Enjoy this one!  Thanks for all the reviews! –Neph

Impish Pixie:  Thank you!  So glad you think so.

silverwolf:  We will definitely continue!  So glad that you found the whole insane premise of this fic as amusing as we did.  Thank you!

Rya:  While we can't comment on the apron, there may be some floral 'activities' going on later.  *grin*

onlyHAUNTED:  I'm afraid Ryou won't be going anywhere just yet.  XD  On the plus side, certan disasters may yet be averted.  So glad you enjoyed the chapter!  Thanks for sticking with us!

Neko-baka-chan-chan:  Hee!  So glad you liked it!  What can we say?  Don't read Coke whilst reading this?  *innocent smile (yes, I learned that from PM, so be afraid!)*  Thank you so much for all of the blush-worthy praise!  We both knew that PM's secret obsession with Yami no Malik would come to light someday.  *whistles*  She's gonna hurt me for saying that… given that I might have had a teeny hand in bringing him into this… but~!  We know she secretly yearns to write about him.  Anyway, keep making Yami no Malik requests like that, and you might wind up with a disturbing cameo appearance in this at some point.  At least for PM and I to duck behind.  XD

Haru-chan:  Oh, it gets much worse!  But fear not, Malik is not without his own whiles!  Enjoy!

Yami Krissy:  Yes, and it isn't going to get much better for poor Ryou, I'm afraid.  On the other hand, as you guessed, Yami no Malik isn't one to go easily into a tomato bath… so… not a good day for anyone, really.  XD  Thanks for reading!

Chapter 5

Plans for an Uwilling Bath

Ryou looked around hopelessly at all the still unbroken things that were bound to become little pieces when the monsters summoned in the yami no game escaped. And he *knew* they would escape. The *last* time the two Yami's had engaged in a duel, half the monsters had escaped and gone on a total rampage in Domino. Ryou had to go to the Turtle Game Shop and beg on his hands and knees for Yami no Yuugi to help contain the creatures, and that was only after promising to help work on the game shop for a month… for free, nonetheless! And what did his Yami do the entire time after he helped save him?

He laughed.

*After* chewing Ryou out for asking the pharaoh for help. After all, in the thief's words, he would have been absolutely fine because he had no intention of helping anyway! Yami no Bakura didn't think it strange to have a bunch of Duel Monsters running around Domino destroying buildings… and Yami no Malik only wanted to join in the fun.

But returning to the laughing bit, Yami no Bakura had laughed at Ryou, grabbed Malik's wrist, and run off to their room where strange sounds immediately began to come from it.

Ryou had not been a very happy person that day.

Not to imply that he was usually a happy person when it came to Yami no Bakura's antics. It would be safe to say that Ryou was, at best, relunctantly tolerant of Yami no Bakura and his lover. Ryou would like nothing more than for them both to move out, but since he had no way of saying that without risking losing a couple of limbs, he usually kept his mouth shut.

It might very well have been Ryou's lucky day. Because while his objections and rather desperate pleas were destined to be ignored by Yami no Malik and Yami no Bakura, Malik himself had decided to step in and intervene. Of course, he wasn't doing it for Ryou's sake or even for the sake of Ryou's house. Malik was not the sort to care too much about such things.

And had it been anyone else who had wanted to step in and play savior for him, Malik would have been more than happy to stand back and let them try to handle his other character. The end result would have been either them managing to help him or winding up suffering whatever fate Yami no Malik was in the mood to deal out. Either way, Malik wouldn't have worried over it too much... except that this was Yami no Bakura.

As it had been admitted earlier (though only internally), he and Yami no Bakura cared about each other. They never would have been able to live together were that not the case. Truly, they wouldn't have wanted to live together if that were not the case. After all, two people can indulge in the physical aspect of a relationship quite well without living together. Many people, in fact, did so.

The truth was, deep down, Malik had the sneaking suspicion that his feelings for Yami no Bakura went deeper than just caring. Of course, he would never say anything to Yami no Bakura unless the other one brought it up first. As one who knew Yami no Bakura well, Malik was well aware of the fact that it would be quite unwise for one to go to Yami no Bakura and confess to being in love with him. He doubted the tomb robber would be receptive to such a revelation, and in truth, even Malik had no idea what he would do were one to be made.

That's even assuming that I am... Still, all signs pointed to that being the case. There were many small examples, but the one at hand was a very good one. Here, Malik was about to step in and intervene with Yami no Malik even though he knew that it was not a particularly wise thing to do. And chances were that Yami no Bakura would act angry with him about it, even if he were somewhat relieved were Malik to successfully avert the confrontation.

Malik was just not going to let anything happen to Yami no Bakura again. Particularly not at his own Yami's hands. Not to mention that the flaxen-haired Egyptian was beginning to feel quite a bit of ire on his own behalf.

In the first place, he was quite insulted to be referred to as Bakura's toy by Yami no Malik, now that he thought about it. Malik was the one who had created Yami no Malik in the first place. He wasn't some plaything and he wasn't some inconsequential omote like Ryou. Malik had done many things himself in the past. Granted, they weren't as viscious and all-encompassing as what Yami no Malik had tried to do, but still...

Once again, Malik wished that he had the Sennen Rod back. If Yami no Malik were deprived of his best weapon, then all of these threats and demands that he kept making would be meaningless. Then Malik would have the upper hand and his other character could see how he liked the constant scent of floral shampoo. How he hated that what had once been his own weapon was now constantly being used as a means of threatening Yami no Bakura and keeping him in line.

Unlike all of the other times that Malik had followed this train of thought, this time, he decided to do something about it. Damn it all, he could be quite cunning and clever when he wished to be. Who was better than he at manipulating situations to his advantage. He just needed to find a way to make Yami no Malik bathe in tomato juice and get the Sennen Rod back in the process. Then they'd see who took orders from whom. And then Malik could work on finding some way of severing this annoying connection between them. Not that it would work, but an Egyptian could dream, couldn't he?

As it was, Malik didn't have time to be lost in thought now. He threw himself forward, coming between psychotic Yami numbers one and two. Malik's lavender eyes narrowed as he glared up at Yami no Malik. "If you refuse to be reasonable, then I will have no choice but to take matters into my own hands. I'm sure as hell not going to walk around smelling like this until you get it through your head that it's both an awful smell and on top of that, it's one that you won't simply overcome."

Then Malik's lips curled into a knowing smirk, as a scheme suggested itself to him. "You aren't immune to all things. I happen to know what you like, Yami. Why don't you just come back here tomorrow, and perhaps I'll have something to offer you that you won't be willing to refuse. And then maybe we can make a deal..." Of course, that wasn't Malik's entire plan, but it should be enough to convince his other character to return, especially in light of the rather suggestive gleam in Malik's eyes at the moment. His other character would know that what Malik was offering him was bound to be something delicious at that look...

Despite the fact that Ryou wanted the whole ordeal to end and to get Yami no Malik out of the house, he couldn't help but start screaming when he realized exactly what Malik was saying. It was a shrill, high-pitched shriek that caused everyone in the vicinity to wince (especially a certain waddling skunk, who was so shocked that he 'accidentally' sprayed a conveniently placed passerby, eliciting more screams).

"NO! Malik Ishtal, you are not going to be doing anything of the sort in this house!" he yelped as thoughts began to bombard him. Oh dear, the things the rather insane Egyptian could think of! How could he even contemplate such a thing, especially since it wasn't even his house! He didn't even help pay rent or buy groceries! Ryou was the one stuck supporting three people (including himself), and look at what had happened because of the goodness of his heart!

Not only was he missing a door and now the very un-proud owner of a skunk-smelling living room (where two psychotic beings were now planning to hold a yami no game in), but now Malik wanted to convert his house into... into... he didn't even know the word for such a thing! The possibilities were endless, and he didn't want to entertain any of them.

To the shock of everyone, Ryou finally decided to put his foot down. "Malik, if you want to do this you're going to have to find some other place to do it! And you two!" The usually mild-mannered omote whirled on the two dark beings, who were staring at him in awe. "You will be leaving this house right now if you think... if you think you're going to destroy anything else! Do you know how long it's going to take me to clean this place? Do you know how much effort this is going to take me? I'm not going to stand for this anymore, do you understand?!"

A long silence followed his outburst before Yami no Malik stuck the Sennen Rod in his belt and turned to his omote, "So, you were saying?"

"I mean it!" Ryou repeated, although less emphatically and much more weakly than he had been before. The poor teen already knew that he had lost, but that didn't stop him from fighting the possibility of his home being converted into a playground for a murderous, cruel, and maniacal hentai!

"Oh, do be quiet," Yami no Bakura scowled as he grabbed Ryou by the shoulder. Before Ryou knew what was going on, he had been locked in the closet under the stairs.

Of course, Yami no Bakura did this all for the benefit of his lovely koi (although he would never admit it). Of course, he did not entertain the idea that he would be able to see these... well, delicious sights that Malik was proposing. Of course, he did not care at *all* that he was going to be a very, very happy thief when the next day came rolling along. Why would you ever think of such a thing?

In the meantime, Yami no Malik was considering Malik's proposal. It seemed that his poor omote was very desperate, and would be willing to do anything to get him to take a bath. He shivered involuntarily at that point... he really didn't like baths. And it wasn't like the smell was even *that* bad... honestly, Malik just hadn't been around enough rotting corpses lately.

Not like that was the point though. Malik obviously wanted to get rid of the smell, and he was offering Yami no Malik something very... well, he couldn't think of the word, but he did know that he was very inclined to take the offer. After all, Malik's proposal was also giving him some time to hunt down the wretched ball of black and white fur in order to cause some serious, serious damage. And it was also giving him enough time to prove that his body odor was, like the rest of him, superior to all things including this smell. Wouldn't Malik be surprised if he came striding in the next day, smelling perfectly fine?

Honestly, he couldn't see any downsides to the proposal. Not to imply that he saw any downsides to running around smelling like skunk for the rest of his life. *That* would show his omote what it was like to smell like Rishid's fabric softener... oh, the utter humiliation of trying to terrorize innocents while smelling like lily of the valley! Certainly, he didn't know the flower's name... it had just been an accident! Something Rishid or Isis had mentioned in passing conversation.

"All right. You've got a deal."

Malik wore a small, triumphant smile at Yami no Malik's words. He knew that the other's arrogance would lead him to assume that Malik was planning to do nothing more than to try and bargain to get his original scent back. That was just not quite the truth. Malik knew very well that his other character had no compunctions about lying to him or breaking his promises. So, Malik would certainly just make sure for himself that such a thing was impossible. Not only that, he would get the Sennen Rod back and then he would smell as lovely as a whole vale of flowers, and there would be nothing that Yami no Malik could do about it.

Of course, realizing that he was on the verge of looking entirely too happy, Malik quickly narrowed his eyes up at his other character, looking rather suspicious. "Good. And you'd just better not go back on it once you decide you want what I'm going to have prepared for you. I am NOT going to go through all this effort just to have you back out. And one other thing... trust me, it'll be well worth your while..." Malik added with a suggestive smirk.

Yami no Malik regarded Malik with a dark, rather feral grin. "And what are you going to do about it if I do, shujinkou-sama?" How he loved taunting Malik when there was nothing whatsoever his omote could do about it. And really, when was there ever anything that Malik could do? His omote wasn't fool enough to go up against him. "I guess that you're just going to have to trust me..." Yami no Malik taunted, chuckling darkly to himself as he headed for the hole where the door had once stood. He was going to leave Malik in doubt and feeling frustrated. What a wonderful way to make an exit...

There was a moment of silence after the dark being had departed before Yami no Bakura grabbed Malik by the shirt, shoving him into the door of the closet which Ryou had been unceremoniously locked in, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Getting rid of the smell," Malik replied calmly.

(A wail escaped from the closet, and Yami no Bakura quickly kicked the door in order to shut it up.)

"And how do you think you're going to manage that?!" Yami no Bakura scowled.

"Well... I have a list of volunteers made up."

(At which point, the protests continued... and were promptly ignored.)

"That's not the point."

"It isn't?" was the innocent answer.

Yami no Bakura sighed as the thought of 'The sooner we get this done with, the sooner we can finish what we were doing before that annoying asshole interrupted us!' ran through his head. Finally, he just shook his head and glared at his koi (making sure to stay somewhat far away enough from him so as not to keep breathing in skunk fumes). "Well? Start explaining then...."

Malik smirked confidently. As displeased as he most certainly was about smelling like skunk, the flaxen-haired Egyptian was still going to enjoy that this time, his manipulative wiles were going to be put to good use in getting his other character into a bath, and getting the Sennen Rod back at the same time (though he thought it better not to mention the latter notion to Yami no Bakura just in case it didn't work out, for he knew that the tomb robber would not likely resist the urge to tease him about any failures, for that was simply Bakura's way).

"Well, you heard what I promised him, ne? I fully intend to deliver... I'm just not expecting him to hold up his end of the deal voluntarily."

Malik knew that his explanation was rather oblique, and judging by the way Yami no Bakura's eyebrow had begun to twitch, he figured that he'd better get down to specifics. His koi was nothing if not impatient...

"I happen to know my Yami's specific tastes quite well. The by-product of having to share a body with him for so long, I'm sure... not to mention that I think I may have had a dream or two that belonged to him of late." Malik wrinkled his nose a bit at a few of the more disgusting remembered images. It was no wonder why his other character didn't mind the skunk smell, given what he dreamt about!

"In any case, what my Yami no Jinkaku likes more than anything, is a captive victim... quite restrained and helpless... left in a position to succumb to any one of his urges..." Malik smirked seductively at Yami no Bakura, for truth be told, there were times when his tastes were not so different. Then, his expression returned to a more businesslike one, as he continued on with his plan. "So, we just need to obtain one of the people that he seems to have an interest in victimizing and set them in place. Naturally, when he shows up tomorrow, he won't be able to resist... but what he won't realize is that the whole thing is a trap, set to douse him with tomato juice the moment he gets to his so-called prize. Now, as to his victim..." Malik tapped his lower lip thoughtfully.

"I'm thinking that Otogi Ryuuji would do very nicely... no Sennen item to cause us difficulty, not too much company around his shop late at night... we should be able to grab him no problem..."

Yami no Bakura shivered slightly from the seductive smile, and his own lips began to curl into a horrible, twisted sneer as he relived some of his own daydreams involving certain hair-playing dice freaks. Not to imply that he EVER had these types of dreams once he had gotten together with Malik, of course... but they were there in the back of his mind. Innocent things, of course... of no harm to anyone except maybe... well, Otogi Ryuuji.

Unfortunately for Ryuuji, Yami no Bakura cared for only three things: his host (well, then again, since he was able to make a physical body, he had come to depend less on the yadonushi), world domination (unlikely with the idiot pharaoh still nosing around in affairs that were NONE of his business), and his lover (who now smelled like skunk, which meant that Yami no Bakura was willng to do just about anything to get rid of the disgusting smell).

And even more unfortunately for Ryuuji, the only person who might possibly have stopped the white-haired psychopath was currently stuck in a closet. Although frankly, his opinion never mattered for much anyway. But that was a completely different story.

"Now?"

Malik couldn't help but be slightly disturbed by the dreamy smile on his lover's face. It reminded him, rather disconcertingly, of his Yami's face when the darkness-loving freak of nature was about to cause some serious damage to nearby fire hydrants.

However, at the thought of kidnapping Ryuuji right from underneath a certain CEO's usually upturned nose, he discovered that the same smile now graced his lips as well.

"Now."