..............Sydney's place...........
Sydney's POV.
I'm in bed, drinking a coup of tea. I am thinking back what he said.
He said he was having trouble sleeping for a couple days. When I think about it, every time I see him after my mission, he looked exhausted. Is it because he was worried about me? Like when he didn't come back from Taipei, I couldn't sleep at all.
Tonight he looked really tired. His hair was messy and under his eyes there were dark marks on.
I feel bad now. I have now realized how much sacrifice he has made for me.
I don't know how many times he saved me from becoming insane. The most recent occasion was last week. OK. yeah, now I can tell, he has been really worried about me for the whole week.
Last week, I was feeling really down and desperately wanting to talk to someone. So I called him middle of the night..
Chapter 2 .........A week before, warehouse...............
Sydney's POV
Vaughn is already waiting for me. He opens the gate for me.
"I am so sorry to call you at this time of the night, but I just needed to talk to someone. I am not sure why but there are so many things." I explain, trying so hard not to cry.
"Syd. just slow down. Here sit down." He pulls a chair for me.
I sit down, trying really hard to not to cry but tell him that.
"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your weekend night." before I can explain.
"Syd. Stop. Don't apologize. I'm the one who told you to call me any time if you needed. So don't worry." He says with smile.
And that was it. As I see his warm and reassuring smile, tears are falling down from my eyes uncontrollably. A wave of sob hits me. I cover my mouth with my hand to control it...
Why does it feel more painful than I have been feeling. then suddenly he grabs my hand. I look at him.
"Syd, it's going to be ok." He says.
I cannot stop my tears falling. I am not sure what I am feeling. How could he say things like that! I am annoyed that he just said that. He doesn't know if it's really going to be ok. But, on the other hand, I somehow feel a tiny bit better. Like it was a sign, my head and thought started to gather together and I started to feel what I am feeling. loss, fear, hopelessness, and pain.
"Vaughn." I whisper.through my tears, "I'm sick and tired of this life. I feel like I'm in a long dark tunnel and I cannot see the end of the tunnel. I just cannot see the end of it. I cannot see the light". another wave of sob crushes into my heart, it's just so painful..
"I'm sick of watching people killed. I'm sick of lying to my friends. Every day, I try to convince myself, it's going to end someday, but I cannot see it, cannot see the end of the tunnel."
"Syd." He says but I carry on talking.
"This afternoon, I was sorting out my old photos, and I saw this photo of me, Will, Danny and Francie, all of us smiling. It felt like someone stabbed my heart. In the photo, I looked so happy and full of life. It was just one photo and I couldn't stand looking at it. I want to go back to the time."
I breathe shakily. another tear falls. how much tears do I need to pour to become happy again?
"Then I put the photo into the box. Later, I was talking to Francie. I was hiding my feelings and pretended to be ok. So I smiled at her, talked with her cheerfully. Then suddenly Francie just said 'Syd, I wish I could be like you. You always seemed to be happy and smiling. And your career is very successful. You seem happy again'. I just couldn't believe Francie said that." I just cannot stop tears falling down.I close my eyes... try to breathe...
"What did you tell her?" He asks gently. But I cannot answer right away. I wipe away my tears.which keep falling down.
"I cannot remember what exactly I said because I was just so mad at her. I know Francie is having a hard time setting up her restaurant. but I couldn't believe she said that. I mean she is my best friend, for goodness sake!! I cannot be mad at her but I am.and I cannot help it. What kind of best friend am I? She is my best friend. and I am mad at her."
"Syd, I understand what you mean. But these things happen. It happened to me and Eric." he says, shrugging his shoulder, "but I'll tell you about it someday. Uhm, sorry I stopped you." and he squeeze my hand and his eyes tell me to carry on.
"Well, I feel like." I'm trying really hard to find right words which can articulate what I am exactly feeling but I am failing miserably.
"It feels like there is no one who can understand me, feel like I am on my own in this big, horrible, cold, dark world.", feeling the pain inside me... I cry.
"I know I shouldn't expect anyone to understand me fully. I mean you cannot understand if you are not in the position to experience it." I breathe to calm down myself. to clear my thought. the pain inside me is too much.
"But Francie used to be able to tell how exactly I was feeling. She knew me inside out. Now she doesn't even know me. I feel like I lost her. She was the only thing kept me together because I didn't have a mum and my dad. you know how he was when I was young. So she was the only one I could rely on. Now I have lost her and she doesn't know me. It's my entire fault. I hate it."
the only thing I am feeling is pain. inside me is empty.but I still feel pain. I wish I didn't feel anything. Why does it hurt so much?
"Syd, it's NOT your fault." He tries to reassure me.
"No, Vaughn, it is. I have been lying to her. I have been pretending to be 'happy-Syd' for her. And then I realised how much I have lost." I close my eyes, trying to stop sobbing, to bare the pain which is burning inside my heart.
"I asked myself, why am I doing this? I thought I'm doing this for Danny, but". why is it so hard to say this?
"But. I am tired. I am really tried of this life." My sob is out of control now. "A couple of years ago, I was full of dreams. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a wife and a mum. I wanted to have a family but now I don't. Because I don't think I can possibly give them a happy life, not even a normal life." I whisper "I hate this life".
I look at Vaughn's hand which is still holding mine. His hand is very warm. I'm feeling the pain.and his warmth.I can feel his warmth. But even his warmth..it feels like.a needle in my heart.
"I just want to be happy again. I want to feel the happiness from the bottom of my heart again. I don't want anything else. I want to be who I was, but I cannot even remember who I was now".
I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.
"I don't know how long I have to live like this. That really scares me. I want to banish. from this world." I close my eye, bit my lower lip. feeling the tears rolling down my cheek.
"I am . tired, Vaughn," Another tears roll down on my cheek.
I cannot say anything anymore. there are no words I can use to describe the pain I am felling. I hear... silence...
I finally started to control my sob. started to notice the real warmth he gives me through my hand. I look up and meet eyes, full of concern.
I suddenly realise what I have done to him. I called him middle of the night and what do I do? Just cry.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this to you." I say, as pulling my hand but he holds it in his hand.
"Syd, don't apologize. It's ok. I told you I don't mind you calling me". I can barely hear his voice... but his words are so kind.
"Syd, you don't have to be the strong one all the time. When you are with me, be yourself. Don't pretend. You can cry, laugh, shout, be angry or mad whatever. Show me, and tell me what exactly you are feeling. You don't have to hide yourself" he says, looking at my eyes.
I feel the pain has started to ease. I feel like. I can breathe again.
"You said you lost yourself. But Syd, I don't think you have lost yourself completely. You are crying, worrying, and caring about Francie. There is still real Syd inside you. You haven't lost completely."
"And don't feel bad, because to be honest, I am ....relieved that you called me tonight." He says shyly.
I look up to him. quizzically. He shrugs his shoulder
"I have noticed that you have been working extremely hard without break for a couple months. I could tell you were getting tried, physically and emotionally. I was really worried that you might snap someday because it's just impossible for anyone to work like that. Especially a job like yours. But I couldn't tell you to stop. May be I should have. I'm sorry I should have said something when I noticed you were feeling really down".
I look at him, amazed. By now I stopped crying. "Vaughn, don't say sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." How could he even think like that?
"Syd, I believe that you are going to be happy again. I cannot say exactly when but I do believe you will be happy again." He says.
I'm suddenly annoyed.
"How could you say thing like that? You don't know that. Don't say it just because it makes me feel better. I know better than that!" I say too harshly.
"Because I have checked the current status of SD-6 and alliances and they are definitely getting smaller and weaker. Within the last couple months, what you have done was just amazing. Once they are gone, you don't have to lie. You don't have to hide. You don't have to pretend. You can be yourself again." He says with a warm smile.
"I know I cannot bring your life back, but I promise you, it will be much better than this."
I am speechless. I just look at his eyes. He promised that my life will be better. Now I can see a tiny light in the dark tunnel. I could feel my eyes are getting watery again. He gets up and gives me a hug. I take a deep breath and say "thank you" to him in my heart. He's just given me a hope which I had lost.
He releases me and look at my eyes. "It's going to be ok" he says softly. "And thank you for being my agent, Syd".
I'm speechless again. I am the one who is studying post graduate English literature and I cannot form a sentence. So he continues.
"I am so grateful that I have this chance to work with you and get to know you. You are an amazing person. I feel so lucky to be able to work with you. Never underestimate who you are because you are much more than you think". And he smiles.
"Vaughn." I am still speechless. I cannot form a sentence. What's wrong with me!!
I sigh, look at him and smile at him. Yes, I can smile. I haven't smiled for these months. But I can still smile. It feels good to smile.
He smiles me back.
"I should go.it's quite . late." I say finally.
He laughs "Yeah. Be careful on the mission. I see you when you get back, right?"
"Yeah, I'll call you when I get back." I smile at him again and leave the warehouse.
I look up the night sky. It's really beautiful, I didn't notice that. I feel completely refreshed. I think I can sleep well tonight. I smile at myself. It certainly feels good to smile.
..........Back to now.......................
I remember, I felt so down at the time but when I left the warehouse, I felt.like I was a different person. Then the mission was very successful. I wouldn't say it was easy but if I hadn't seen Vaughn, I wouldn't be here now.
In the warehouse, he just listened. Listening.that's all he did and he smiled.
After all, I didn't say thank you to him. Great, I didn't even say "thank you" to the person how has been helping me and saving a million times.
Did I say "thank you" to him when he gave me this picture frame? I look at the picture frame. No. I didn't.
I got to say thank you to him next time I see him.
I switch off the bedside lump and snuggle into my bed cover. I look at the beautiful picture frame which shines in the moon light, closing my eyes and say "Thank you Vaughn".
------------------------------------
Sydney's POV.
I'm in bed, drinking a coup of tea. I am thinking back what he said.
He said he was having trouble sleeping for a couple days. When I think about it, every time I see him after my mission, he looked exhausted. Is it because he was worried about me? Like when he didn't come back from Taipei, I couldn't sleep at all.
Tonight he looked really tired. His hair was messy and under his eyes there were dark marks on.
I feel bad now. I have now realized how much sacrifice he has made for me.
I don't know how many times he saved me from becoming insane. The most recent occasion was last week. OK. yeah, now I can tell, he has been really worried about me for the whole week.
Last week, I was feeling really down and desperately wanting to talk to someone. So I called him middle of the night..
Chapter 2 .........A week before, warehouse...............
Sydney's POV
Vaughn is already waiting for me. He opens the gate for me.
"I am so sorry to call you at this time of the night, but I just needed to talk to someone. I am not sure why but there are so many things." I explain, trying so hard not to cry.
"Syd. just slow down. Here sit down." He pulls a chair for me.
I sit down, trying really hard to not to cry but tell him that.
"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your weekend night." before I can explain.
"Syd. Stop. Don't apologize. I'm the one who told you to call me any time if you needed. So don't worry." He says with smile.
And that was it. As I see his warm and reassuring smile, tears are falling down from my eyes uncontrollably. A wave of sob hits me. I cover my mouth with my hand to control it...
Why does it feel more painful than I have been feeling. then suddenly he grabs my hand. I look at him.
"Syd, it's going to be ok." He says.
I cannot stop my tears falling. I am not sure what I am feeling. How could he say things like that! I am annoyed that he just said that. He doesn't know if it's really going to be ok. But, on the other hand, I somehow feel a tiny bit better. Like it was a sign, my head and thought started to gather together and I started to feel what I am feeling. loss, fear, hopelessness, and pain.
"Vaughn." I whisper.through my tears, "I'm sick and tired of this life. I feel like I'm in a long dark tunnel and I cannot see the end of the tunnel. I just cannot see the end of it. I cannot see the light". another wave of sob crushes into my heart, it's just so painful..
"I'm sick of watching people killed. I'm sick of lying to my friends. Every day, I try to convince myself, it's going to end someday, but I cannot see it, cannot see the end of the tunnel."
"Syd." He says but I carry on talking.
"This afternoon, I was sorting out my old photos, and I saw this photo of me, Will, Danny and Francie, all of us smiling. It felt like someone stabbed my heart. In the photo, I looked so happy and full of life. It was just one photo and I couldn't stand looking at it. I want to go back to the time."
I breathe shakily. another tear falls. how much tears do I need to pour to become happy again?
"Then I put the photo into the box. Later, I was talking to Francie. I was hiding my feelings and pretended to be ok. So I smiled at her, talked with her cheerfully. Then suddenly Francie just said 'Syd, I wish I could be like you. You always seemed to be happy and smiling. And your career is very successful. You seem happy again'. I just couldn't believe Francie said that." I just cannot stop tears falling down.I close my eyes... try to breathe...
"What did you tell her?" He asks gently. But I cannot answer right away. I wipe away my tears.which keep falling down.
"I cannot remember what exactly I said because I was just so mad at her. I know Francie is having a hard time setting up her restaurant. but I couldn't believe she said that. I mean she is my best friend, for goodness sake!! I cannot be mad at her but I am.and I cannot help it. What kind of best friend am I? She is my best friend. and I am mad at her."
"Syd, I understand what you mean. But these things happen. It happened to me and Eric." he says, shrugging his shoulder, "but I'll tell you about it someday. Uhm, sorry I stopped you." and he squeeze my hand and his eyes tell me to carry on.
"Well, I feel like." I'm trying really hard to find right words which can articulate what I am exactly feeling but I am failing miserably.
"It feels like there is no one who can understand me, feel like I am on my own in this big, horrible, cold, dark world.", feeling the pain inside me... I cry.
"I know I shouldn't expect anyone to understand me fully. I mean you cannot understand if you are not in the position to experience it." I breathe to calm down myself. to clear my thought. the pain inside me is too much.
"But Francie used to be able to tell how exactly I was feeling. She knew me inside out. Now she doesn't even know me. I feel like I lost her. She was the only thing kept me together because I didn't have a mum and my dad. you know how he was when I was young. So she was the only one I could rely on. Now I have lost her and she doesn't know me. It's my entire fault. I hate it."
the only thing I am feeling is pain. inside me is empty.but I still feel pain. I wish I didn't feel anything. Why does it hurt so much?
"Syd, it's NOT your fault." He tries to reassure me.
"No, Vaughn, it is. I have been lying to her. I have been pretending to be 'happy-Syd' for her. And then I realised how much I have lost." I close my eyes, trying to stop sobbing, to bare the pain which is burning inside my heart.
"I asked myself, why am I doing this? I thought I'm doing this for Danny, but". why is it so hard to say this?
"But. I am tired. I am really tried of this life." My sob is out of control now. "A couple of years ago, I was full of dreams. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a wife and a mum. I wanted to have a family but now I don't. Because I don't think I can possibly give them a happy life, not even a normal life." I whisper "I hate this life".
I look at Vaughn's hand which is still holding mine. His hand is very warm. I'm feeling the pain.and his warmth.I can feel his warmth. But even his warmth..it feels like.a needle in my heart.
"I just want to be happy again. I want to feel the happiness from the bottom of my heart again. I don't want anything else. I want to be who I was, but I cannot even remember who I was now".
I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.
"I don't know how long I have to live like this. That really scares me. I want to banish. from this world." I close my eye, bit my lower lip. feeling the tears rolling down my cheek.
"I am . tired, Vaughn," Another tears roll down on my cheek.
I cannot say anything anymore. there are no words I can use to describe the pain I am felling. I hear... silence...
I finally started to control my sob. started to notice the real warmth he gives me through my hand. I look up and meet eyes, full of concern.
I suddenly realise what I have done to him. I called him middle of the night and what do I do? Just cry.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this to you." I say, as pulling my hand but he holds it in his hand.
"Syd, don't apologize. It's ok. I told you I don't mind you calling me". I can barely hear his voice... but his words are so kind.
"Syd, you don't have to be the strong one all the time. When you are with me, be yourself. Don't pretend. You can cry, laugh, shout, be angry or mad whatever. Show me, and tell me what exactly you are feeling. You don't have to hide yourself" he says, looking at my eyes.
I feel the pain has started to ease. I feel like. I can breathe again.
"You said you lost yourself. But Syd, I don't think you have lost yourself completely. You are crying, worrying, and caring about Francie. There is still real Syd inside you. You haven't lost completely."
"And don't feel bad, because to be honest, I am ....relieved that you called me tonight." He says shyly.
I look up to him. quizzically. He shrugs his shoulder
"I have noticed that you have been working extremely hard without break for a couple months. I could tell you were getting tried, physically and emotionally. I was really worried that you might snap someday because it's just impossible for anyone to work like that. Especially a job like yours. But I couldn't tell you to stop. May be I should have. I'm sorry I should have said something when I noticed you were feeling really down".
I look at him, amazed. By now I stopped crying. "Vaughn, don't say sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." How could he even think like that?
"Syd, I believe that you are going to be happy again. I cannot say exactly when but I do believe you will be happy again." He says.
I'm suddenly annoyed.
"How could you say thing like that? You don't know that. Don't say it just because it makes me feel better. I know better than that!" I say too harshly.
"Because I have checked the current status of SD-6 and alliances and they are definitely getting smaller and weaker. Within the last couple months, what you have done was just amazing. Once they are gone, you don't have to lie. You don't have to hide. You don't have to pretend. You can be yourself again." He says with a warm smile.
"I know I cannot bring your life back, but I promise you, it will be much better than this."
I am speechless. I just look at his eyes. He promised that my life will be better. Now I can see a tiny light in the dark tunnel. I could feel my eyes are getting watery again. He gets up and gives me a hug. I take a deep breath and say "thank you" to him in my heart. He's just given me a hope which I had lost.
He releases me and look at my eyes. "It's going to be ok" he says softly. "And thank you for being my agent, Syd".
I'm speechless again. I am the one who is studying post graduate English literature and I cannot form a sentence. So he continues.
"I am so grateful that I have this chance to work with you and get to know you. You are an amazing person. I feel so lucky to be able to work with you. Never underestimate who you are because you are much more than you think". And he smiles.
"Vaughn." I am still speechless. I cannot form a sentence. What's wrong with me!!
I sigh, look at him and smile at him. Yes, I can smile. I haven't smiled for these months. But I can still smile. It feels good to smile.
He smiles me back.
"I should go.it's quite . late." I say finally.
He laughs "Yeah. Be careful on the mission. I see you when you get back, right?"
"Yeah, I'll call you when I get back." I smile at him again and leave the warehouse.
I look up the night sky. It's really beautiful, I didn't notice that. I feel completely refreshed. I think I can sleep well tonight. I smile at myself. It certainly feels good to smile.
..........Back to now.......................
I remember, I felt so down at the time but when I left the warehouse, I felt.like I was a different person. Then the mission was very successful. I wouldn't say it was easy but if I hadn't seen Vaughn, I wouldn't be here now.
In the warehouse, he just listened. Listening.that's all he did and he smiled.
After all, I didn't say thank you to him. Great, I didn't even say "thank you" to the person how has been helping me and saving a million times.
Did I say "thank you" to him when he gave me this picture frame? I look at the picture frame. No. I didn't.
I got to say thank you to him next time I see him.
I switch off the bedside lump and snuggle into my bed cover. I look at the beautiful picture frame which shines in the moon light, closing my eyes and say "Thank you Vaughn".
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