here is chapter 5.
*************************Letter from Sydney********************
Vaughn
I don't know what to write. I cannot find right words to start. I cannot articulate what's in my mind. Because it is more than words can describe.
I wish I could show you my heart so that I don't have to put it in words. The only thing comes up to my mind is "Thank you". So I am going to be completely honest with you in this letter. I am not sure if I can but I try.
I have never wished my life to be like this. Never.
I often think. why me. Why me? I have asked this question countless time since I was little.
I lost myself when my mum "died". Since then, my whole world changed. I learned that life is harsh, cold and tough when she left.
But I somehow I gradually managed to build my world again. Thanks to Francie, Danny and Will. It wasn't complete but still it was my world. A world, full of dream, hope, happiness and love.
Then when I thought I was happy again, Danny was murdered. And I found out about SD-6 and the truth about my dad. My world was destroyed again. I asked myself, again, Why me?
Being a double agent didn't help me. I kept losing myself. In the end, I completely lost myself. I didn't know who I was. I lost my best friend as well. I lost my world and lost the only person whom I trusted most. There was nothing left inside me except feeling of loneliness, hatred and anger.
The scariest thing was, I got used to it. I am a person, consisted of loneliness, hatred and anger.
Every night, when I went to bed, I wished that tomorrow would never come. I cried every night in my bed because I knew there was going to be another day, another day, full of pain and loneliness. I don't know how many times I wished I had been able to banish completely.
At the beginning, I wouldn't dare let people touch my world which had already been destroyed twice. There was nothing left except feeling of loss, betrayal, hatred and pain.
So, I am sorry for being horrible to you. I know I wasn't the easiest agent to handle. I'm sorry that I didn't do things you told me to do. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. I just couldn't let myself trust someone. I was so scared that you would destroy me completely again. That's what I told myself anyway.
While you were constantly trying to make my life better, I turned my back on you, and ignored you. I probably hurt you so many times. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me.
I am just so grateful that you didn't give up on me.
I now realised that how much you helped me, and how much you sacrificed for me. You threatened your career and life to help me even though I didn't deserve it. I wonder why you have kept me as your agent.
You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You saved me again and again. You helped me to find myself which I couldn't do it without you.
You showed me the beauty of human being when I was trapped in darkness of human being. You gave me hope; hope that some day I will be happy.
I hate my life so much. But thanks to you, I now realised that there is one good thing in my life.
The one good thing in my life is that I have you.
I have NEVER thought about myself as a lucky person in my life but..now I think I am .I am a lucky person .because. you are my handler.
I have one good thing in my life and I promise that I will never let it go. Even though it is only one thing. I am thankful for that and I treasure it.
Vaughn, I really want to show you my heart so that you can see how much I'm grateful to you. I want to say more than "THANK YOU". "Thank you" is not good enough to show how much I appreciate you but I cannot find better words. so
THANK YOU. .. From the bottom of my heart.
From now on, I am going to try to trust you. I'm going to let myself trust you.
I am scared that my trust may be betrayed again. I am sorry for being like this, but at least I am giving myself a chance to trust you again. Well, actually YOU gave me the chance. Again, I thank you for that.
I hope you like the presents. I wanted to give you the presents, only to say "Thank you".
I hope you like the tie. You don't have to wear the tie if you don't like it.
I hope you like the pen. I haven't said congratulation for your promotion! This pen is the present for your promotion!! CONGRATULATION!!
I hope Donovan likes the presents, my thanks to him! Give him my KISS!!!
Please buy a book or two so that you don't have to wake Donovan up! Poor dog. let him sleep!! I've already felt bad enough that I caused you many sleepless night, I feel worse because now I know Donovan also has sleepless nights!!!! He deserves presents!!
The hockey tickets. I want you to go to the game with Weiss. I have heard what happened to you and Weiss but I don't know the details. The only thing I know is that, it happened because of me. I know it was your decision to come to Taipei for me but if you hadn't been my handler, the relationship between you and Weiss would have been the same. I cannot live with that thought. I give you this ticket in hopes of better friendship between you and Weiss.
I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. Thank you.
This letter is to the only one I started to trust.
Thank you.
Sydney.
P.S I love the picture frame you gave me!
*********************************************************************
I have read this letter for fourth time and I want to read it again. I'm still utterly stunned.
I have never felt like this in my entire life.
I cannot possibly describe how I am feeling right now. I feel... honoured to have known this truly amazing person. I feel so privileged to work with her. Relief, as I was never sure if what I had been doing was right thing. I constantly worried that may be I did something wrong. Respect, I have so much respect for her courage.
Feeling of being accepted by her is just indescribable. It is scary because I don't know if I can be good enough for her but it certainly feels good.
I have never thought a simple phrase, "thank you", could do this to me.
I'm not sure if I deserve this. I have certainly tried to be patient and be a good listener. I learned this when my dad died. My mum used to cry a lot, she couldn't describe what she was feeling but I learned to wait and let her cry, let her be herself. Then eventually, she told me that she wanted her life back.
At the time, I didn't think about life. I just tried to survive each day and I somehow did. But sometimes, I just cried in my closet because something reminded me of my dad. Then my mum looked for me and she did the same things to me, waiting, listening, and giving me a small smile. It was never easy for both of us but we survived.
I have never thought that experiences like that can help me now. so many years later. I mean, even though I was eight at the time, I guess. I learned so much. If I didn't have that experience, I certainly wouldn't be here. reading this incredible letter. Life is strange, twisted and complicated.
I try my best to let her be herself again. At the moment she is like. trapped in a little box. The only thing I can do is to open the top rid and let her breathe. It's her decision to come out of the box or not. I cannot pull her out. if.and when she is ready, I believe she will come out. For now, I just let her breathe.
I'm terrified about her starting to trust me. It's a great honour. and I do feel so privileged. but at the same time, I am terrified. Am I good enough? Can I cope with everything going to happen to her and me. Even though she started to trust me, it doesn't mean our job is going to be easy. I believe we will argue and shout at each other. but can I keep her trust?
I think this is the most difficult assignments in my whole life. not letting her down.answering to her trust and belief in me. But. at the same time, I know that in the future. like 20 years later. looking back to where I'm now. I'll be thinking "what a great time that was!" It will be the most beautiful and wonderful accomplishment if I can do this. and when I retire CIA, I will say "thank you" to her from bottom of my heart.
Because of her, my life will be unique and special.
I take a deep breath. I look at my watch and am surprised. It's 2 in the morning; that means I have here more than 5 hours!!
This is what happens when I think about Sydney! I'd better go home and get some sleep. or many be I should practice for the room service undercover. Or before that, I'm going to put this collar on Donovan . Did she say give him her kiss?? No!!! I'm not going to kiss Donovan!! Ewww.
I put everything in the box carefully and grab my briefcase. What a day.
I leave the warehouse and look up the beautiful night sky. How did my life become like this?
I suddenly remember what my dad said when I was little. just before he's gone.
I smile to the stars. and close my eyes.trying to remember his warm but firm voice, he said.
"It's going to be OK."
Thank you, Dad. You taught me so much but I still need you.
Thank you Dad.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up, and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
(Return to Innocence - Enigma)
............................................................................ ................................
*************************Letter from Sydney********************
Vaughn
I don't know what to write. I cannot find right words to start. I cannot articulate what's in my mind. Because it is more than words can describe.
I wish I could show you my heart so that I don't have to put it in words. The only thing comes up to my mind is "Thank you". So I am going to be completely honest with you in this letter. I am not sure if I can but I try.
I have never wished my life to be like this. Never.
I often think. why me. Why me? I have asked this question countless time since I was little.
I lost myself when my mum "died". Since then, my whole world changed. I learned that life is harsh, cold and tough when she left.
But I somehow I gradually managed to build my world again. Thanks to Francie, Danny and Will. It wasn't complete but still it was my world. A world, full of dream, hope, happiness and love.
Then when I thought I was happy again, Danny was murdered. And I found out about SD-6 and the truth about my dad. My world was destroyed again. I asked myself, again, Why me?
Being a double agent didn't help me. I kept losing myself. In the end, I completely lost myself. I didn't know who I was. I lost my best friend as well. I lost my world and lost the only person whom I trusted most. There was nothing left inside me except feeling of loneliness, hatred and anger.
The scariest thing was, I got used to it. I am a person, consisted of loneliness, hatred and anger.
Every night, when I went to bed, I wished that tomorrow would never come. I cried every night in my bed because I knew there was going to be another day, another day, full of pain and loneliness. I don't know how many times I wished I had been able to banish completely.
At the beginning, I wouldn't dare let people touch my world which had already been destroyed twice. There was nothing left except feeling of loss, betrayal, hatred and pain.
So, I am sorry for being horrible to you. I know I wasn't the easiest agent to handle. I'm sorry that I didn't do things you told me to do. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. I just couldn't let myself trust someone. I was so scared that you would destroy me completely again. That's what I told myself anyway.
While you were constantly trying to make my life better, I turned my back on you, and ignored you. I probably hurt you so many times. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me.
I am just so grateful that you didn't give up on me.
I now realised that how much you helped me, and how much you sacrificed for me. You threatened your career and life to help me even though I didn't deserve it. I wonder why you have kept me as your agent.
You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You saved me again and again. You helped me to find myself which I couldn't do it without you.
You showed me the beauty of human being when I was trapped in darkness of human being. You gave me hope; hope that some day I will be happy.
I hate my life so much. But thanks to you, I now realised that there is one good thing in my life.
The one good thing in my life is that I have you.
I have NEVER thought about myself as a lucky person in my life but..now I think I am .I am a lucky person .because. you are my handler.
I have one good thing in my life and I promise that I will never let it go. Even though it is only one thing. I am thankful for that and I treasure it.
Vaughn, I really want to show you my heart so that you can see how much I'm grateful to you. I want to say more than "THANK YOU". "Thank you" is not good enough to show how much I appreciate you but I cannot find better words. so
THANK YOU. .. From the bottom of my heart.
From now on, I am going to try to trust you. I'm going to let myself trust you.
I am scared that my trust may be betrayed again. I am sorry for being like this, but at least I am giving myself a chance to trust you again. Well, actually YOU gave me the chance. Again, I thank you for that.
I hope you like the presents. I wanted to give you the presents, only to say "Thank you".
I hope you like the tie. You don't have to wear the tie if you don't like it.
I hope you like the pen. I haven't said congratulation for your promotion! This pen is the present for your promotion!! CONGRATULATION!!
I hope Donovan likes the presents, my thanks to him! Give him my KISS!!!
Please buy a book or two so that you don't have to wake Donovan up! Poor dog. let him sleep!! I've already felt bad enough that I caused you many sleepless night, I feel worse because now I know Donovan also has sleepless nights!!!! He deserves presents!!
The hockey tickets. I want you to go to the game with Weiss. I have heard what happened to you and Weiss but I don't know the details. The only thing I know is that, it happened because of me. I know it was your decision to come to Taipei for me but if you hadn't been my handler, the relationship between you and Weiss would have been the same. I cannot live with that thought. I give you this ticket in hopes of better friendship between you and Weiss.
I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. Thank you.
This letter is to the only one I started to trust.
Thank you.
Sydney.
P.S I love the picture frame you gave me!
*********************************************************************
I have read this letter for fourth time and I want to read it again. I'm still utterly stunned.
I have never felt like this in my entire life.
I cannot possibly describe how I am feeling right now. I feel... honoured to have known this truly amazing person. I feel so privileged to work with her. Relief, as I was never sure if what I had been doing was right thing. I constantly worried that may be I did something wrong. Respect, I have so much respect for her courage.
Feeling of being accepted by her is just indescribable. It is scary because I don't know if I can be good enough for her but it certainly feels good.
I have never thought a simple phrase, "thank you", could do this to me.
I'm not sure if I deserve this. I have certainly tried to be patient and be a good listener. I learned this when my dad died. My mum used to cry a lot, she couldn't describe what she was feeling but I learned to wait and let her cry, let her be herself. Then eventually, she told me that she wanted her life back.
At the time, I didn't think about life. I just tried to survive each day and I somehow did. But sometimes, I just cried in my closet because something reminded me of my dad. Then my mum looked for me and she did the same things to me, waiting, listening, and giving me a small smile. It was never easy for both of us but we survived.
I have never thought that experiences like that can help me now. so many years later. I mean, even though I was eight at the time, I guess. I learned so much. If I didn't have that experience, I certainly wouldn't be here. reading this incredible letter. Life is strange, twisted and complicated.
I try my best to let her be herself again. At the moment she is like. trapped in a little box. The only thing I can do is to open the top rid and let her breathe. It's her decision to come out of the box or not. I cannot pull her out. if.and when she is ready, I believe she will come out. For now, I just let her breathe.
I'm terrified about her starting to trust me. It's a great honour. and I do feel so privileged. but at the same time, I am terrified. Am I good enough? Can I cope with everything going to happen to her and me. Even though she started to trust me, it doesn't mean our job is going to be easy. I believe we will argue and shout at each other. but can I keep her trust?
I think this is the most difficult assignments in my whole life. not letting her down.answering to her trust and belief in me. But. at the same time, I know that in the future. like 20 years later. looking back to where I'm now. I'll be thinking "what a great time that was!" It will be the most beautiful and wonderful accomplishment if I can do this. and when I retire CIA, I will say "thank you" to her from bottom of my heart.
Because of her, my life will be unique and special.
I take a deep breath. I look at my watch and am surprised. It's 2 in the morning; that means I have here more than 5 hours!!
This is what happens when I think about Sydney! I'd better go home and get some sleep. or many be I should practice for the room service undercover. Or before that, I'm going to put this collar on Donovan . Did she say give him her kiss?? No!!! I'm not going to kiss Donovan!! Ewww.
I put everything in the box carefully and grab my briefcase. What a day.
I leave the warehouse and look up the beautiful night sky. How did my life become like this?
I suddenly remember what my dad said when I was little. just before he's gone.
I smile to the stars. and close my eyes.trying to remember his warm but firm voice, he said.
"It's going to be OK."
Thank you, Dad. You taught me so much but I still need you.
Thank you Dad.
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up, and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
(Return to Innocence - Enigma)
............................................................................ ................................