Chapter
11..........................................................................
...........................
Sydney's POV
Vaughn has just left. I'm eating the chicken noodle soup Vaughn brought for me. I cannot believe he has done these things just for me. He even called my dad.
I know calling my dad is not an easy thing to do at all. I'm his daughter but I don't like calling him. He intimidates me and I'm sure he does that to anyone, except Kendall and Devlin.
Even so Vaughn called him, so that he would be able to get things I can eat. I don't deserve this.
He is just too nice to me...Looking at the mug...I smile at myself. I guess he chose that for me. He knows so much about me. I think he knows about me more than I do myself.
But what surprises me is that my dad knew things I can eat when I'm ill.
So... he remembers that I could only eat chicken soup and some fruits when I'm ill. I thought he has forgotten about it completely.
After all, I believe that I'm a stranger to him, just like he has been a stranger to me for a long time. Or maybe, he lives only with his memory.
I wonder if he remembers that night I had really bad fever and he became my real dad again.
That night he hugged me and because I carried on crying, and I wouldn't let him go, he rapped me up with a thick blanket and took me out of my bed and hold me in his arm.
I felt his warmth, I smelled his air, I felt...his love. Was it love?
I heard the sound of his heart beating calmly. was it the sound of love he had for me?
I was too scared to look his face. I was too scared to see the face which had both, the stranger's face and my real dad's face. So I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of his heart. I really waned to believe the sound was from my real dad's heart, not stranger's.
I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was in my bed. My dad was still sitting in the chair beside the bed and looking at me and told me.
"You really need to eat something."...Vaughn said the same thing.
I was trying to see who he was; trying to see through his eyes. I wanted to know if he was still my real dad.
At the same time, it didn't matter whether he was my real dad or just a stranger. He was with me when nobody was around.
I was 8 years old, lost mother, no-one to trust, left alone and unloved anymore.
But this man was with me through the night. This man held me. I didn't want to be left alone. I desperately needed someone's warmth, because it was so cold to be left alone.
When he said that I needed to eat something, he stood up and headed to the door.
I didn't want him to be gone again. Because I wasn't sure if he would come back again or if I would be left on my own forever.
I think I managed to say.
"Please." or something. I remember I couldn't stop tears falling down. I don't know why I said "please".
But he looked back at me and he gave me a tiniest smile I had ever seen.
It was a tiniest smile but to me, it was the warmest smile I had ever felt for a long time.
Now, I think about it, I guess I was that desperate to be with someone, probably I just felt that way. I don't think he smiled. He has never smiled since what happened to my mother.
Then he came back to my bedside, rapped me up with the thick blanket like I was a small baby and carried me to downstairs. The relief I felt was just indescribable. I was in his arms. It was very warm.
He carried me to the kitchen and put me in one of the chairs. He made sure I was wrapped up well and put me in the way so that I could see him all the time.
He then heated up some chicken soup. He also brought a banana and an orange; he peeled them and cut in small pieces and put them on a plate. He put the chicken soup on a soup dish.
He sat next me and fed me because I was completely wrapped up I couldn't use my hands. He blew off the heat little and cooled down the soup on the spoon so that I wouldn't get my tongue burnt. He did that each time he was going to feed me.
Then I shuck my head. letting him know I had enough; he picked a folk and let me eat some bananas and oranges.
While he was feeding me, he didn't say a word. He just fed me slowly and carefully.
If he said something, I would have been broken down completely and started crying again. I didn't want to do that. Beside, because I was on my own most of the time, I almost found quietness comfortable. I got used to him being quiet, not saying any words.
When he finished feeding me, he opened one of the kitchen cupboard and take "Robitussin". He carefully poured it on a small spoon and put it in my mouth, saying "this should make you feel better".
How did he know that the medicine was in that cupboard? He was always on the "business trips", he didn't really live in the house. but somehow he knew where it was. Most of all, how did he know that medicine was for me? Maybe my nanny had told him.
Then he cleaned up dishes and saucepans. Afterward, again he carried me to my room and tucked me in the bed which he hadn't done since my mother's death.
I could tell he was very uncomfortable doing it. I was only 8 years old but I guess, when you were little, you could sense people's feeling more than grown ups could.
I realise that I managed to eat more than half of the soup, but I want to have some fruits now.
I wonder why Vaughn does these things for me. He is doing more than he is supposed to do. He said he is doing for himself but I cannot believe that.
Suddenly my cell phone rings. I put the soup on the bedside table and pick up my cell phone.
Is it Vaughn?
I check ID on the screen and am surprised to see the name, but I answer anyway.
"Hello?"...why is he calling me?
"Sydney, it's me." I'm confused and worried so much.
"Dad, is everything ok? What's wrong? Has something happened?" He doesn't call me if there are serious problems.
"No everything is fine". I sigh with relief, but then. why is he calling?
"I just wanted to know. if your mission was ok." Do I hear. some kind of... hesitation?
"Yeah, it was ok. Dixon managed to pull me out and I just got a cut on my arm but other than that, everything went fine. We already have a copy of the disk."
"Oh, good.." I hear silence. What's going on?
"Umm. I heard that you are not well from Agent Vaughn. Are you. ok?"
Is he asking me if I was ok?
"Yeah, I think I might have a little fever but I'll be fine". Why is he asking? Is he worried about me?
"Oh. good. Get some rest. See you when you get back" he says in flat tone and hangs up before I can say anything.
Did he want to know about the mission? Or did he want to know if I was ok?
Was it his way of showing that he actually cared about me?
He has been a stranger to me for a long time.I don't know what I'm feeling right now. After so many years of ignorance, did he show me that he cared about me?
I don't want to have a hope...the hope that we might be able to build some kind of relationship.
Having trust. letting my trust grow in Vaughn is hard and difficult enough for me right now, I cannot let myself hope about my relationship with my dad.
But the truth is. I want to have this hope. My heart so desperately wants to hold on to this hope.
I want to feel his love again. he is my dad and I'm his only daughter. Am I asking too much?
I want to feel his love. but I can't. I'm too afraid to let myself have a hope because I know this hope will never come true.
Why am I so screwed? The only thing I can do is cry. like I'm doing now. I'm tired of crying. I hate myself for being like this. I sigh.
Then I hear knocks on the door. he has always perfect timing to make my heart warm .
I wipe away tears quickly. "Come in". Vaughn is here.
............................................................................ ........................
Sydney's POV
Vaughn has just left. I'm eating the chicken noodle soup Vaughn brought for me. I cannot believe he has done these things just for me. He even called my dad.
I know calling my dad is not an easy thing to do at all. I'm his daughter but I don't like calling him. He intimidates me and I'm sure he does that to anyone, except Kendall and Devlin.
Even so Vaughn called him, so that he would be able to get things I can eat. I don't deserve this.
He is just too nice to me...Looking at the mug...I smile at myself. I guess he chose that for me. He knows so much about me. I think he knows about me more than I do myself.
But what surprises me is that my dad knew things I can eat when I'm ill.
So... he remembers that I could only eat chicken soup and some fruits when I'm ill. I thought he has forgotten about it completely.
After all, I believe that I'm a stranger to him, just like he has been a stranger to me for a long time. Or maybe, he lives only with his memory.
I wonder if he remembers that night I had really bad fever and he became my real dad again.
That night he hugged me and because I carried on crying, and I wouldn't let him go, he rapped me up with a thick blanket and took me out of my bed and hold me in his arm.
I felt his warmth, I smelled his air, I felt...his love. Was it love?
I heard the sound of his heart beating calmly. was it the sound of love he had for me?
I was too scared to look his face. I was too scared to see the face which had both, the stranger's face and my real dad's face. So I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of his heart. I really waned to believe the sound was from my real dad's heart, not stranger's.
I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was in my bed. My dad was still sitting in the chair beside the bed and looking at me and told me.
"You really need to eat something."...Vaughn said the same thing.
I was trying to see who he was; trying to see through his eyes. I wanted to know if he was still my real dad.
At the same time, it didn't matter whether he was my real dad or just a stranger. He was with me when nobody was around.
I was 8 years old, lost mother, no-one to trust, left alone and unloved anymore.
But this man was with me through the night. This man held me. I didn't want to be left alone. I desperately needed someone's warmth, because it was so cold to be left alone.
When he said that I needed to eat something, he stood up and headed to the door.
I didn't want him to be gone again. Because I wasn't sure if he would come back again or if I would be left on my own forever.
I think I managed to say.
"Please." or something. I remember I couldn't stop tears falling down. I don't know why I said "please".
But he looked back at me and he gave me a tiniest smile I had ever seen.
It was a tiniest smile but to me, it was the warmest smile I had ever felt for a long time.
Now, I think about it, I guess I was that desperate to be with someone, probably I just felt that way. I don't think he smiled. He has never smiled since what happened to my mother.
Then he came back to my bedside, rapped me up with the thick blanket like I was a small baby and carried me to downstairs. The relief I felt was just indescribable. I was in his arms. It was very warm.
He carried me to the kitchen and put me in one of the chairs. He made sure I was wrapped up well and put me in the way so that I could see him all the time.
He then heated up some chicken soup. He also brought a banana and an orange; he peeled them and cut in small pieces and put them on a plate. He put the chicken soup on a soup dish.
He sat next me and fed me because I was completely wrapped up I couldn't use my hands. He blew off the heat little and cooled down the soup on the spoon so that I wouldn't get my tongue burnt. He did that each time he was going to feed me.
Then I shuck my head. letting him know I had enough; he picked a folk and let me eat some bananas and oranges.
While he was feeding me, he didn't say a word. He just fed me slowly and carefully.
If he said something, I would have been broken down completely and started crying again. I didn't want to do that. Beside, because I was on my own most of the time, I almost found quietness comfortable. I got used to him being quiet, not saying any words.
When he finished feeding me, he opened one of the kitchen cupboard and take "Robitussin". He carefully poured it on a small spoon and put it in my mouth, saying "this should make you feel better".
How did he know that the medicine was in that cupboard? He was always on the "business trips", he didn't really live in the house. but somehow he knew where it was. Most of all, how did he know that medicine was for me? Maybe my nanny had told him.
Then he cleaned up dishes and saucepans. Afterward, again he carried me to my room and tucked me in the bed which he hadn't done since my mother's death.
I could tell he was very uncomfortable doing it. I was only 8 years old but I guess, when you were little, you could sense people's feeling more than grown ups could.
I realise that I managed to eat more than half of the soup, but I want to have some fruits now.
I wonder why Vaughn does these things for me. He is doing more than he is supposed to do. He said he is doing for himself but I cannot believe that.
Suddenly my cell phone rings. I put the soup on the bedside table and pick up my cell phone.
Is it Vaughn?
I check ID on the screen and am surprised to see the name, but I answer anyway.
"Hello?"...why is he calling me?
"Sydney, it's me." I'm confused and worried so much.
"Dad, is everything ok? What's wrong? Has something happened?" He doesn't call me if there are serious problems.
"No everything is fine". I sigh with relief, but then. why is he calling?
"I just wanted to know. if your mission was ok." Do I hear. some kind of... hesitation?
"Yeah, it was ok. Dixon managed to pull me out and I just got a cut on my arm but other than that, everything went fine. We already have a copy of the disk."
"Oh, good.." I hear silence. What's going on?
"Umm. I heard that you are not well from Agent Vaughn. Are you. ok?"
Is he asking me if I was ok?
"Yeah, I think I might have a little fever but I'll be fine". Why is he asking? Is he worried about me?
"Oh. good. Get some rest. See you when you get back" he says in flat tone and hangs up before I can say anything.
Did he want to know about the mission? Or did he want to know if I was ok?
Was it his way of showing that he actually cared about me?
He has been a stranger to me for a long time.I don't know what I'm feeling right now. After so many years of ignorance, did he show me that he cared about me?
I don't want to have a hope...the hope that we might be able to build some kind of relationship.
Having trust. letting my trust grow in Vaughn is hard and difficult enough for me right now, I cannot let myself hope about my relationship with my dad.
But the truth is. I want to have this hope. My heart so desperately wants to hold on to this hope.
I want to feel his love again. he is my dad and I'm his only daughter. Am I asking too much?
I want to feel his love. but I can't. I'm too afraid to let myself have a hope because I know this hope will never come true.
Why am I so screwed? The only thing I can do is cry. like I'm doing now. I'm tired of crying. I hate myself for being like this. I sigh.
Then I hear knocks on the door. he has always perfect timing to make my heart warm .
I wipe away tears quickly. "Come in". Vaughn is here.
............................................................................ ........................