Chapter 15 (?).................
I feel a big lump in my throat. Because I can feel her pain in my own heart.
That's exactly how I felt when I couldn't help my mum. I thought. I wasn't good enough to receive love from my mum.
I felt that way, simply because. I couldn't make her happy again.
That night of our first and last secret meeting, I asked him if I could be like him. a great man who could make everyone happy. smile. and he said I would be like him or I would be greater than him.
But that wasn't true. I couldn't make my mum truly happy again. I felt. I let my dad down completely.because I realised that I couldn't be like my dad.
"I kept believing that he didn't love me anymore. He didn't care about me because I wasn't . couldn't be what he wanted me to be. So I tried everything. I tried to be a good girl, I tried to get good grades for my school. I left him notes before he went on to the business trips. I did everything I could think of.".
What worries me is that she explains these dark, sticky, uncomfortable, painful emotions calmly . but her tears won't stop falling down.
Do I want to know these details? Do I want to remember things I went to through?
I make myself to think, this is about Sydney, not me but. her words are forming images in my head. and they are too realistic to me because I went through the same feeling of guilt, lost and agony.
But I had my sister who was always there with me. who relined on me. A little sister who kept following me and played with me. A little sister who made me feel that I wasn't useless, I could do something for someone. She needed me and I needed her.
Through my sister, eventually I learned that my mum did love me even though I could make her happy again. She just had different type of love for my dad.
With love.. you need to be shown, demonstrated and taught by the person you love. sometimes... words are not enough. You need to feel it. Not once but many times. constantly and forever.
The amount of love and different kinds of love you receive make you different from the person next to you.
But Sydney didn't have any of these. I can only imagine what it was like for her.
I sometimes wonder losing some you love is worse than not loving someone at all. My question is.is experiencing being loved, then lose the love worse than not being loved at all. Or does the experience of being loved help you in someway in the future or does it only torture you? If so, it's better not to experience the love at all.
"Eventually, I started to hate him for abandoning me, for not loving me. I was constantly angry with him. But in my heart, deep down there, I was always hoping that my real dad would come back. For 20 odd years, the tiny wish was there even though I sometimes forgot about its existence." She sighs. Take a moment to gather her emotions and feelings.
Then she looks at me. Her eyes show me all of her feelings, more than words can describe.
She shows me her heart. The broken, bruised and tortured heart. but it is still shining, it is still alive. still warm and beautiful.
"What do you do when your tiny desire of 20 odd years which you hided so well started to scream at you?" She suddenly asks, looking her own hands. It is more like. asking herself than asking me.
"And the worst thing is. you know that the desire will never be fulfilled. What do you do?" She closes her eyes, trying to repress her emotions. emotions of anger, hatred, hope and love.
She shifts her gaze back to me. Does she expect me to answer this question?
I wait, gazing back to her. I hope she can see me through my eyes that I'm here to listen. I'm here so that she can find her own answer. she can find out a little bit about herself.
I'm glad to see her continue.
"I don't know what to do with my feelings." She looks at the sunflower on the mug and touches it with her fingers, as if she is trying to feel her own heart.
"I'm trying my best to avoid this hope. The hope that he might care about me. he might be worried about me. he might actually think about me." I wait for other words to come out from her.but it seems. she is afraid of saying these words.
"He might still love me a little." Now she has said it. I say well done to her in my heart. it wasn't certainly easy for her to actually say these words. She takes a deep breath.
"I cannot forgive him for what he has done to me. I just cannot do that." She shakes her head, as if she is trying to get rid of the thought of forgiving him.
"When I think about him, my feeling is filled with anger and hatred towards him, but the strangest thing is.when I think about his life, being betrayed by his own wife, being in this business, I started to understand why he has become like what he is now. The strangest thing is. I started feel."
She takes a moment. as if she is trying to find right words.
"I started to feel. I want to love him again even though I have been trying my best to avoid this feeling." I could tell she is trying to hold back her tears.
Why this is happening to her? Why?
Loving someone is supposed to be a happy thing. It is supposed to make your heart warm and light. Love makes someone rejoice and laugh. But for her, it has become burden and it is crushing her heart. This is just. so wrong.
"But I am so scared that.it's only me... it's my mind which is playing to make me believe that he cares about me. It's in my imagination. It's just my heart which desires to receive his love so much, so my heart tricks me. trying to make me believe that I still have a small place in his heart."
Should I tell her that her dad does care about her? Is it time to let her know? Or is she going to close her window if I say that? Am I going to crush her heart into millions of pieces if I say that?
Even if I say that, she is not going to believe it, is she? If she is not ready to accept it, what's the point of telling her things which she might not want to hear from me.
The only answer. just wait and listen to what she needs to say; listen to her carefully so that I don't miss a thing about her, about what her heart is telling me.
"What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to react to his words? I don't understand him. I don't know what he is thinking. I lost my ability to read his heart when he lost me!" She tells to herself angrily.
"Why was he asking me if I was ok? Why did he ask me if my mission was successful or not? He is not supposed to worry about me!" She is frustrated.
She stops talking as if she is looking her own heart, feeling her true emotions.
Her emotions, especially anger, loneliness and hatred are usually well controlled by herself. She can control herself most of the times. But I guess when it comes to trusting someone or feeling of being loved by someone, she just doesn't know how to feel it, or accept it.
I believe this is the only way she has survived so far. rejecting the feeling of trust and love.
Now Jack showed his care and love for her and Syd cannot accept it. She is too scared to feel it but her heart has already felt it and wants it more. That's why she cannot control her emotions.
She has hidden her feeling for Jack for more than 20 years. You cannot hide your true feelings for that long, but she did.
Now she is looking at herself, realised her desire to be loved and to be accepted by her own father is more than she can control. Worst of all, she is afraid of the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone.
The interesting thing is, this is happening to Jack as well. His care and love for Sydney are always hidden securely but not completely. He is afraid of showing his love to Sydney or he has forgotten how to show his love for Sydney.
I have never seen a family as broken as this..
This was caused by just one woman who destroyed my family as well. It is unbelievable how one person can destroy and crush so many people's heart and their lives. She took away Syd's life, Jack's life, my families' life and other agents.
I feel so much anger, disgust and hatred towards this woman. but I know this is not that time to think about this woman. I try so hard not to think about this woman right now. This is about Sydney. and I hear her voice again, pulling myself out from my thoughts.
I feel a big lump in my throat. Because I can feel her pain in my own heart.
That's exactly how I felt when I couldn't help my mum. I thought. I wasn't good enough to receive love from my mum.
I felt that way, simply because. I couldn't make her happy again.
That night of our first and last secret meeting, I asked him if I could be like him. a great man who could make everyone happy. smile. and he said I would be like him or I would be greater than him.
But that wasn't true. I couldn't make my mum truly happy again. I felt. I let my dad down completely.because I realised that I couldn't be like my dad.
"I kept believing that he didn't love me anymore. He didn't care about me because I wasn't . couldn't be what he wanted me to be. So I tried everything. I tried to be a good girl, I tried to get good grades for my school. I left him notes before he went on to the business trips. I did everything I could think of.".
What worries me is that she explains these dark, sticky, uncomfortable, painful emotions calmly . but her tears won't stop falling down.
Do I want to know these details? Do I want to remember things I went to through?
I make myself to think, this is about Sydney, not me but. her words are forming images in my head. and they are too realistic to me because I went through the same feeling of guilt, lost and agony.
But I had my sister who was always there with me. who relined on me. A little sister who kept following me and played with me. A little sister who made me feel that I wasn't useless, I could do something for someone. She needed me and I needed her.
Through my sister, eventually I learned that my mum did love me even though I could make her happy again. She just had different type of love for my dad.
With love.. you need to be shown, demonstrated and taught by the person you love. sometimes... words are not enough. You need to feel it. Not once but many times. constantly and forever.
The amount of love and different kinds of love you receive make you different from the person next to you.
But Sydney didn't have any of these. I can only imagine what it was like for her.
I sometimes wonder losing some you love is worse than not loving someone at all. My question is.is experiencing being loved, then lose the love worse than not being loved at all. Or does the experience of being loved help you in someway in the future or does it only torture you? If so, it's better not to experience the love at all.
"Eventually, I started to hate him for abandoning me, for not loving me. I was constantly angry with him. But in my heart, deep down there, I was always hoping that my real dad would come back. For 20 odd years, the tiny wish was there even though I sometimes forgot about its existence." She sighs. Take a moment to gather her emotions and feelings.
Then she looks at me. Her eyes show me all of her feelings, more than words can describe.
She shows me her heart. The broken, bruised and tortured heart. but it is still shining, it is still alive. still warm and beautiful.
"What do you do when your tiny desire of 20 odd years which you hided so well started to scream at you?" She suddenly asks, looking her own hands. It is more like. asking herself than asking me.
"And the worst thing is. you know that the desire will never be fulfilled. What do you do?" She closes her eyes, trying to repress her emotions. emotions of anger, hatred, hope and love.
She shifts her gaze back to me. Does she expect me to answer this question?
I wait, gazing back to her. I hope she can see me through my eyes that I'm here to listen. I'm here so that she can find her own answer. she can find out a little bit about herself.
I'm glad to see her continue.
"I don't know what to do with my feelings." She looks at the sunflower on the mug and touches it with her fingers, as if she is trying to feel her own heart.
"I'm trying my best to avoid this hope. The hope that he might care about me. he might be worried about me. he might actually think about me." I wait for other words to come out from her.but it seems. she is afraid of saying these words.
"He might still love me a little." Now she has said it. I say well done to her in my heart. it wasn't certainly easy for her to actually say these words. She takes a deep breath.
"I cannot forgive him for what he has done to me. I just cannot do that." She shakes her head, as if she is trying to get rid of the thought of forgiving him.
"When I think about him, my feeling is filled with anger and hatred towards him, but the strangest thing is.when I think about his life, being betrayed by his own wife, being in this business, I started to understand why he has become like what he is now. The strangest thing is. I started feel."
She takes a moment. as if she is trying to find right words.
"I started to feel. I want to love him again even though I have been trying my best to avoid this feeling." I could tell she is trying to hold back her tears.
Why this is happening to her? Why?
Loving someone is supposed to be a happy thing. It is supposed to make your heart warm and light. Love makes someone rejoice and laugh. But for her, it has become burden and it is crushing her heart. This is just. so wrong.
"But I am so scared that.it's only me... it's my mind which is playing to make me believe that he cares about me. It's in my imagination. It's just my heart which desires to receive his love so much, so my heart tricks me. trying to make me believe that I still have a small place in his heart."
Should I tell her that her dad does care about her? Is it time to let her know? Or is she going to close her window if I say that? Am I going to crush her heart into millions of pieces if I say that?
Even if I say that, she is not going to believe it, is she? If she is not ready to accept it, what's the point of telling her things which she might not want to hear from me.
The only answer. just wait and listen to what she needs to say; listen to her carefully so that I don't miss a thing about her, about what her heart is telling me.
"What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to react to his words? I don't understand him. I don't know what he is thinking. I lost my ability to read his heart when he lost me!" She tells to herself angrily.
"Why was he asking me if I was ok? Why did he ask me if my mission was successful or not? He is not supposed to worry about me!" She is frustrated.
She stops talking as if she is looking her own heart, feeling her true emotions.
Her emotions, especially anger, loneliness and hatred are usually well controlled by herself. She can control herself most of the times. But I guess when it comes to trusting someone or feeling of being loved by someone, she just doesn't know how to feel it, or accept it.
I believe this is the only way she has survived so far. rejecting the feeling of trust and love.
Now Jack showed his care and love for her and Syd cannot accept it. She is too scared to feel it but her heart has already felt it and wants it more. That's why she cannot control her emotions.
She has hidden her feeling for Jack for more than 20 years. You cannot hide your true feelings for that long, but she did.
Now she is looking at herself, realised her desire to be loved and to be accepted by her own father is more than she can control. Worst of all, she is afraid of the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone.
The interesting thing is, this is happening to Jack as well. His care and love for Sydney are always hidden securely but not completely. He is afraid of showing his love to Sydney or he has forgotten how to show his love for Sydney.
I have never seen a family as broken as this..
This was caused by just one woman who destroyed my family as well. It is unbelievable how one person can destroy and crush so many people's heart and their lives. She took away Syd's life, Jack's life, my families' life and other agents.
I feel so much anger, disgust and hatred towards this woman. but I know this is not that time to think about this woman. I try so hard not to think about this woman right now. This is about Sydney. and I hear her voice again, pulling myself out from my thoughts.