INTO THE MIND OF A SPY (Snape's thoughts after OotP)
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Summary- Some thought's from Serverus Snape on book 5. Just a quickie.
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Disclaimer- If owned Snape i'd be very happy. I'd make him say sarcastic twatty things all day because he rocks. If i owned the Harry Potter books i'd be JK Rowling which i am not. Obviously Snape is not mine, i'm just playing with him. I'll put him back safe and sound for you to play with too.
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The little bugger watched my memory. He actually had the nerve to reach into the pensieve and watch the memory I had put in there. That's something I'd never wanted anyone to see yet alone him, that's why I'd put it in the pensieve, to protect it from him. I disliked it enough when he saw a couple of my memories during one of our lessons. Dumbledore's Occlumency lessons, which he'd forced upon me to teach Harry, had been awkward. Harry had obviously not been trying; he hadn't wanted to stop his dreams about Voldemort. It had nearly got Harry killed, it had nearly got his friends killed. It did get Sirius Black killed.
This left me with a strange feeling in his stomach. I hated, well...had hated, Sirius Black with a passion. The man was a fool, a bully and a self-conscious fool, just like James Potter had been. It was almost fitting that both had been killed fighting the dark lord. Yet it left me with a sickening feeling in my stomach. The two men I had hated the most were dead and I am not. How long it would stay that way was another matter, I wont be able to keep this double crossing a secret forever. Sooner or later I'll be fodder for Voldemort's fun and my miserable existence will be ended. Probably about time too. That's what bothers me. The sickening feeling was that of guilt. I'd hated Sirius and James for how they treated me, yet I am the more undeserving of the three, I should be the dead one. They had stayed loyal to Dumbledore, they had fought Voldemort. I'd pathetically followed a handful of other Slytherin's into the ranks of the Death Eater's and I'll be forever known for it. No matter how hard I work to cause the fall of Voldemort I'll never make up for what I've done whilst a Death Eater. It disgusts me.
It had been lucky that I returned when I did and pulled Harry out of my pensieve. For a start, Harry missed me without pants on and secondly; my worst nightmares are stored there. Memories of what I've done, all ready for Potter to view. Damn the contemptible brat, thinking he can just stick his nose into everything because he's the boy that lived. His attitude gets worse every year, every week, and every damn minute. I dislike the little bugger.
I dislike him note. I don't hate him. In a way I almost admire his ability to mess up yet still save himself from horrible death. For a fleeting moment I sort of felt sorry for him. During the lessons that is. When I saw his memories of his relatives and how they treated him and memories of people treating him like he was different in Hogwarts. I could feel his frustration, I could understand his pain. You see I can understand being treated differently in Hogwarts, his father and mutt saw to that. My family life was also 'lacking' to put it mildly. Yet he is still the arrogant little brat that disrupts my potions lessons, runs round like he owns the place and does more stupid things on an average day than that Longbottom kid does throughout a year of potions. That's saying something I think you'd agree.
Anyway, Potter. They boy is infuriating, he's irresponsible, he's just outright disobedient. For god's sake, if Dumbledore told him he had to try at Occlumency than why the hell did he ignore him? He certainly did ignore him. That has to be Potter's greatest weakness. He's too curious, so curious that he ignores all advice if it prevents him investigate whatever is fascinating him. This year's fiasco is a clear example of that.
I wish he'd never looked into that damn pensieve. I wish he'd never seen how his father treated me. I was almost happy to have him think his father was an angel and that I was a monster. I'd even prefer for him to think his dad was funny doing that to me. Yet I could see it etched on his face, pity. He'd got a shock, seeing daddy in such a light and he'd felt sorry for me. He'd related to me. I don't like being related to and I don't like being pitied and I don't like running the risk of people thinking that I might not be all that bad. I'm bad, I'm an arrogant bastard, and I drip hate, malice and icy cold sarcasm. See? I'm not nice. Then again, right now Harry Potter can probably relate to me pretty damn well. He's arrogant, he's sarcastic and right now he's dripping hate everywhere. He certainly seems angry with the world, especially Dumbledore and me. I can understand it in a way. His godfather, his sole remaining father figure, is dead. Potter can attribute this death with both Dumbledore and me, he can blame us. Really, he's running from his own guilt. Harry Potter all but killed his godfather. He refused to listen, he refused to stop the dreams, he let himself be tricked, and he made them have to rescue him. Harry Potter all but gave the final push that sent his godfather to his death; he almost got his friends killed. Potter must hate himself for it. He must hate me. I hate myself for my mistakes; we both hate ourselves, another similarity. I don't hate him. I dislike him. That's what sets us apart. You see I dislike him because he's James' son, I dislike him because of his stupidity. However underneath all that I almost understand him. Almost. I don't understand his stupidity and I don't understand actions but I understand the rest. I don't understand why he looked into that pensieve, that was an action of a fool. He must have known I'd be back soon and he must have known I'd be angry. Yet he still did it. I'm guessing it's because he saw my memories briefly and wanted to know more. Harry Potter wants to understand me too.
If it wasn't for the job, as a spy I might be tempted to let him, but whilst I'm a spy I can never let him understand who I am in fear he may try and rely on me. I don't wish to be used as a weapon against him by Voldemort. At least this way he hates me and he'll never care if Voldemort tries to kill me, he's too angry to come to my rescue. Maybe the chink in my armour is cracking though, he's already been allowed to catch a glimpse and it may just make him come to me. Now Sirius is dead he needs a father figure desperately and people like Dumbledore, Hagrid and Lupin will not fill that position. Lupin is to close to the wound that Sirius has caused. Dumbledore has lost Harry's trust and has to remain distant and Hagrid is too much of a friend figure. You see, I think if I allow myself to be 'nice' to Harry he may realise that in some ways I'm like him, he may become dependant on that likeness and become weak.
That's not the only reason though. One reason makes me want to protect him on one hand but keep away on the other. You see, I don't disserve Harry's understanding, I disserve to be hated. I got it wrong. I told Dumbledore Longbottom was the target all those years ago; we were misinformed till the last minute. By then it was to late for the Order to get there in time. I messed up; I let the Potter family die. Even though I hated James it wasn't on purpose, it was an accident. Dumbledore believed me; Sirius did not although I think Lupin did. That makes me want to steer clear from him, yet on the other hand I feel like it should be my duty to protect the boy.
Damn complications. I wish I was not a spy, I wish I didn't have to live in on the edge of death; I wish I had never been such a fool and I wish he was not such a fool. I think I suddenly understand his stupidity. He feels he has to save the world, its expected of him so he goes all out to try and do so. I was expected to become a Death Eater, by my family and my house. Both of us do as we are expected and neither of us gets anything back. We're so alike it pains me to think of it; he's a stupid brat. Yet he's 'our hero', the wizarding world's answer to Moses. His father was never a hero, his son is ten times the man he was and he's not yet of age. That's not really a dig at James to be honest; it's a compliment to Harry. I hated James, I don't hate Harry. I don't think he really hates me either, I'm just useful. Hating me is a good way to channel his anger and if it helps him good. He'll need all the help he can get and I know I'll be part of that 'help'. Albus Dumbledore expects it, he knows Harry needs it and I have a sneaky feeling he thinks Mr Potter can turn me into some sort of caring, sharing father figure. Somehow I doubt that, but let him dream, I'll probably be dead soon anyway.
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Hope you enjoyed it. I wrote it in about an hour so it's not great...but ah well.
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Summary- Some thought's from Serverus Snape on book 5. Just a quickie.
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Disclaimer- If owned Snape i'd be very happy. I'd make him say sarcastic twatty things all day because he rocks. If i owned the Harry Potter books i'd be JK Rowling which i am not. Obviously Snape is not mine, i'm just playing with him. I'll put him back safe and sound for you to play with too.
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The little bugger watched my memory. He actually had the nerve to reach into the pensieve and watch the memory I had put in there. That's something I'd never wanted anyone to see yet alone him, that's why I'd put it in the pensieve, to protect it from him. I disliked it enough when he saw a couple of my memories during one of our lessons. Dumbledore's Occlumency lessons, which he'd forced upon me to teach Harry, had been awkward. Harry had obviously not been trying; he hadn't wanted to stop his dreams about Voldemort. It had nearly got Harry killed, it had nearly got his friends killed. It did get Sirius Black killed.
This left me with a strange feeling in his stomach. I hated, well...had hated, Sirius Black with a passion. The man was a fool, a bully and a self-conscious fool, just like James Potter had been. It was almost fitting that both had been killed fighting the dark lord. Yet it left me with a sickening feeling in my stomach. The two men I had hated the most were dead and I am not. How long it would stay that way was another matter, I wont be able to keep this double crossing a secret forever. Sooner or later I'll be fodder for Voldemort's fun and my miserable existence will be ended. Probably about time too. That's what bothers me. The sickening feeling was that of guilt. I'd hated Sirius and James for how they treated me, yet I am the more undeserving of the three, I should be the dead one. They had stayed loyal to Dumbledore, they had fought Voldemort. I'd pathetically followed a handful of other Slytherin's into the ranks of the Death Eater's and I'll be forever known for it. No matter how hard I work to cause the fall of Voldemort I'll never make up for what I've done whilst a Death Eater. It disgusts me.
It had been lucky that I returned when I did and pulled Harry out of my pensieve. For a start, Harry missed me without pants on and secondly; my worst nightmares are stored there. Memories of what I've done, all ready for Potter to view. Damn the contemptible brat, thinking he can just stick his nose into everything because he's the boy that lived. His attitude gets worse every year, every week, and every damn minute. I dislike the little bugger.
I dislike him note. I don't hate him. In a way I almost admire his ability to mess up yet still save himself from horrible death. For a fleeting moment I sort of felt sorry for him. During the lessons that is. When I saw his memories of his relatives and how they treated him and memories of people treating him like he was different in Hogwarts. I could feel his frustration, I could understand his pain. You see I can understand being treated differently in Hogwarts, his father and mutt saw to that. My family life was also 'lacking' to put it mildly. Yet he is still the arrogant little brat that disrupts my potions lessons, runs round like he owns the place and does more stupid things on an average day than that Longbottom kid does throughout a year of potions. That's saying something I think you'd agree.
Anyway, Potter. They boy is infuriating, he's irresponsible, he's just outright disobedient. For god's sake, if Dumbledore told him he had to try at Occlumency than why the hell did he ignore him? He certainly did ignore him. That has to be Potter's greatest weakness. He's too curious, so curious that he ignores all advice if it prevents him investigate whatever is fascinating him. This year's fiasco is a clear example of that.
I wish he'd never looked into that damn pensieve. I wish he'd never seen how his father treated me. I was almost happy to have him think his father was an angel and that I was a monster. I'd even prefer for him to think his dad was funny doing that to me. Yet I could see it etched on his face, pity. He'd got a shock, seeing daddy in such a light and he'd felt sorry for me. He'd related to me. I don't like being related to and I don't like being pitied and I don't like running the risk of people thinking that I might not be all that bad. I'm bad, I'm an arrogant bastard, and I drip hate, malice and icy cold sarcasm. See? I'm not nice. Then again, right now Harry Potter can probably relate to me pretty damn well. He's arrogant, he's sarcastic and right now he's dripping hate everywhere. He certainly seems angry with the world, especially Dumbledore and me. I can understand it in a way. His godfather, his sole remaining father figure, is dead. Potter can attribute this death with both Dumbledore and me, he can blame us. Really, he's running from his own guilt. Harry Potter all but killed his godfather. He refused to listen, he refused to stop the dreams, he let himself be tricked, and he made them have to rescue him. Harry Potter all but gave the final push that sent his godfather to his death; he almost got his friends killed. Potter must hate himself for it. He must hate me. I hate myself for my mistakes; we both hate ourselves, another similarity. I don't hate him. I dislike him. That's what sets us apart. You see I dislike him because he's James' son, I dislike him because of his stupidity. However underneath all that I almost understand him. Almost. I don't understand his stupidity and I don't understand actions but I understand the rest. I don't understand why he looked into that pensieve, that was an action of a fool. He must have known I'd be back soon and he must have known I'd be angry. Yet he still did it. I'm guessing it's because he saw my memories briefly and wanted to know more. Harry Potter wants to understand me too.
If it wasn't for the job, as a spy I might be tempted to let him, but whilst I'm a spy I can never let him understand who I am in fear he may try and rely on me. I don't wish to be used as a weapon against him by Voldemort. At least this way he hates me and he'll never care if Voldemort tries to kill me, he's too angry to come to my rescue. Maybe the chink in my armour is cracking though, he's already been allowed to catch a glimpse and it may just make him come to me. Now Sirius is dead he needs a father figure desperately and people like Dumbledore, Hagrid and Lupin will not fill that position. Lupin is to close to the wound that Sirius has caused. Dumbledore has lost Harry's trust and has to remain distant and Hagrid is too much of a friend figure. You see, I think if I allow myself to be 'nice' to Harry he may realise that in some ways I'm like him, he may become dependant on that likeness and become weak.
That's not the only reason though. One reason makes me want to protect him on one hand but keep away on the other. You see, I don't disserve Harry's understanding, I disserve to be hated. I got it wrong. I told Dumbledore Longbottom was the target all those years ago; we were misinformed till the last minute. By then it was to late for the Order to get there in time. I messed up; I let the Potter family die. Even though I hated James it wasn't on purpose, it was an accident. Dumbledore believed me; Sirius did not although I think Lupin did. That makes me want to steer clear from him, yet on the other hand I feel like it should be my duty to protect the boy.
Damn complications. I wish I was not a spy, I wish I didn't have to live in on the edge of death; I wish I had never been such a fool and I wish he was not such a fool. I think I suddenly understand his stupidity. He feels he has to save the world, its expected of him so he goes all out to try and do so. I was expected to become a Death Eater, by my family and my house. Both of us do as we are expected and neither of us gets anything back. We're so alike it pains me to think of it; he's a stupid brat. Yet he's 'our hero', the wizarding world's answer to Moses. His father was never a hero, his son is ten times the man he was and he's not yet of age. That's not really a dig at James to be honest; it's a compliment to Harry. I hated James, I don't hate Harry. I don't think he really hates me either, I'm just useful. Hating me is a good way to channel his anger and if it helps him good. He'll need all the help he can get and I know I'll be part of that 'help'. Albus Dumbledore expects it, he knows Harry needs it and I have a sneaky feeling he thinks Mr Potter can turn me into some sort of caring, sharing father figure. Somehow I doubt that, but let him dream, I'll probably be dead soon anyway.
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Hope you enjoyed it. I wrote it in about an hour so it's not great...but ah well.