Chikheart
Not All Sugar and Spice
Chapter Six – Because Everything Breaks
*A/N: Guess who's back? Back again? Jen Jen's back. . .tell a friend. . .
^^ Hehe. Excuse my sudden Eminem-ess. Anyways, I 3 you all! 61 REVIEWS! Whoa! ::rubs eyes:: Yup. Indeed, the number is still 61. *does little jig* You guys all ROCK! I'm aiming for 80 before Ch. 7 is up. I'd think we'll get there ^^ *glomps everyone*
Thank you guys so much! =) You're the people that keep me writing!
This chapter is for: kanoi_trace, iluvlabyrinth, sugar_shooter, brokeni, and goodbyejoshua.
It is also dedicated to the peoples at THE THIN LINE, a SS/SB archive =)
More thanks are at the bottom (I am such a babbler...one A/N just isn't enough!)
Of course, huge shoutout to my betas V.V., blue, Gertie and Juniper for their beautiful job on tearing my fic apart ^^. You guys ROCK! And V.V. said she liked this style, so I'm sticking with it. ::hands V.V. a cream puff flower and glomps::
Oh...of course, ~*~*~* frames lyrics, *** represents POV change, * is time passing in a POV change, and //...// frames thoughts. This chapter is written in um...a kinda first person/third person mix. I'm not sure what it is. Instead of "he remembered", it's "he remembers". If you like this way better, please tell me =) I'm experimenting to see which POV I'm most comfortable with and is the best sense of style.
*A/N II* NAYNYMIC, THIS REVISED CHAPTER IS SPECIALLY MADE FOR YOU. ONLY FOR YOU =)
~*~*~*
See the rivers filled with rain
I wish it could be blue again
Hazy petrol nights
Crimson sun on traffic lights
~*~*~*
Harry hates change.
Hates it with a passion, a ferocity that makes even the bravest dogs back down, tuck in their tails, and whimper.
It seemed so perfect at first. Harry still remembers his first year, rowing across the lake and seeing the sparkling lights emitting from Hogwarts. He remembers his secret, tentative smile from within – this was a stability he could cling to. This was something that could never be taken away from him, not like his bedroom, which changed on his Uncle and Aunt's whims; not like people's thoughts of him, which were commanded by his actions; not himself, who changed—wilted—after knowing his life had been planned, *marked*, from the beginning.
He had thought his feelings towards Hogwarts - its moving stairs, its ghosts, its professors and students - would never change. Minor distractions, yes; a failed history exam may make him slightly more bitter towards Binns for a period of time, but in the end, Binns was still the "boring ghost teacher". Nothing less, and certainly nothing more.
He had thought of Hogwarts like a rock he could cling to, confidently hugging it to his chest and knowing that after the thunder whispered into the distance he'd be exactly where he'd been before.
He wants these assurances to never change.
And Harry laughs to himself. He wants. It sounded so pitiful, a small wail in the torrents of a storm.
He hates how change seems to follow him, wrapping itself around him and singing to him its lullaby that mutes his ears.
He hates the knowing that he may not live beyond the age of seventeen, die alone, and have a grand tombstone for his valiant honor, whether he defeated Voldemort or not. He hates how isolated he's become, the constant unsteady throbbing of all his thoughts in his veins and no one to talk to. He hates the fact that erases all his denials—that Sirius is dead, just like his parents; hates that his plans to live with Sirius fell behind that veil along with Sirius' angled body.
But most of all he hates how much one lone tear, sliding down Malfoy's cheek, can mean more to him more than his best friends' betrayal.
~scene shift, still in Harry's POV~
*the night before, right after the poison incident*
Harry closes his eyes and wants Malfoy to live. It isn't much, nothing like the want he would have for Dean, Seamus, Lavender, even Cho—
Golden Gryffindor loyalty, as everyone called it; all that Ron and Hermione didn't deserve anymore. Harry vividly remembers the last time they had something relatively close to a "conversation" beyond simple pleasantries to keep the media off their backs. He had to fight the overwhelming anger calling to him, to turn to the nearest glass pane and break it until it bled.
Malfoy's eyes are like glass. Harry yearns to see them bleed.
But glass doesn't bleed. It just breaks into those miniscule shards and mocks him, never turning away.
Harry thinks maybe if Malfoy died his eyes might just bleed, but he pushes that thought away and scrunches his eyes, focusing his mind on a living Malfoy before his eyes. At least Malfoy is a constant; Harry hates him, and Malfoy hates him back. It is reassuring, almost—and even if enmity is discouraged, Harry finds satisfaction in their rivalry, as jagged a rock as it is, bruising his hands as he holds the edges, mixing rain with his blood.
But why does he want Malfoy alive? Wouldn't it be so much better if…
"No one deserves to die except Voldemort. No one."
But Sirius died, hadn't he? His parents died, hadn't they?
"I know because you don't truly want to die, and I know that because I know how you feel."
"No you don't. You're a *hero*. 'Regret' is probably not even part of your vocabulary."
Regret blinds Harry, ushers him to the depths of his hate so that he sees red and smiles. Regret follows him, cuts him like a double-edged sword.
"'Regret' is probably not even part of your vocabulary."
Harry clenches his teeth. He wants Malfoy to live, wants him to live so he can show him exactly what 'regret' is to him.
Everything.
Around him, the sky turns the hue of a dying red rose.
~*~*~*
A perfect day a perfect night
Tell me all those perfect lies
And lie back in the garden till it's light
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
~*~*~*
~scene shift, back to present~
Malfoy's eyes were bleeding tears.
Harry feels a vaguely sick feeling rising in his stomach. It wasn't compassion, bravery, or love that brought Malfoy back, like when he'd saved Ginny or Sirius, battling with young Voldemort and hundreds of Dementors.
It was his want to see something that clear and icy bleed. Not just break, but bleed.
Harry looks upwards, tries to divert his attention away. All he sees is the wispy November fog shading the sky, dark and shrouded as himself.
Yet at the same time the tear draws forward his attention, being so aptly beautiful and furiously painful at the same time.
Tears should be rain from the soul.
But this one – this one is silver blood that doesn't know where to fall.
Harry doesn't say anything, and knows he won't ever say anything of this to Malfoy. He would have to lie.
But.
That will be tomorrow, when Malfoy isn't shredding Harry's perception into pieces, Harry can lie to himself, saying he's done something heroic in hoping for his worst enemy to live.
Tomorrow.
Today could just crystallize in that silver tear.
*
Harry is marveling at the perfect shape his scrambled eggs when Malfoy wakes up.
Malfoy sits up and glares at him furiously, as if hating him for liking scrambled eggs.
Harry sighs. He was just beginning to enjoy the silence.
"Guess that if I have to be in Hell, you'd be in it too," says Malfoy.
Harry says nothing; simply squints to see if the trail of the tear could still be seen.
It's gone.
"Looks remarkably like the place I died," says Malfoy, eying the scenery. "Looks like Satan cares for his sinners individually."
Gone.
"Potter? You feeling alright? Or is this the version I'm stuck with – The Boy Who Does Not Talk?"
It takes a while to sink in.
"Fuck it Malfoy – what was that cursed blade you used? Obviously it wasn't working correctly, because you lived anyway, despite my oh-so valiant attempts to rescue you," says Harry bitterly.
Malfoy just stares at him, confusion spreading like forest-fire in his eyes.
"I'm not—dead?"
"You should be," says Harry, his hand turning into a fist, "but you aren't."
Malfoy just continues staring.
~*~*~*
The perfect stare of perfect eyes
They kiss you as they tell you lies
And wonder where you're going, where've you been
In towers high with time to fill
Gardens on your window sill
In between the pavement and the sky
Tell me why all the words will never come out right
Fumbling blind, I've been driving through the danger signs
~*~*~*
***
"This is an illusion," says Severus, his breathing becoming uneven. His voice grew harsher. "That's what you always were – an illusion. And I was stupid enough – to – "
"Be blinded by it?" whispers Sirius.
"Yes," replies Severus. "But it's not an illusion anymore, because I'm in it. And you're here to take it away, aren't you?"
I'm in it and the world isn't real anymore – because you're the only thing that's real, but you're just another illusion.
"I'm here to say goodbye," says Sirius, a pale, translucent hand reaching towards him; fingertips tracing his cheeks.
"Why?" asks Severus, nausea overcoming his senses. He hates how Sirius' ghost touches him – brands him with something like Sirius but something gone and dead and…
"Don't touch me." Severus scrambles away, holding his cheek where Sirius stroked. "I don't want a memory of you – I want one of Sirius, back in school, where his touch was rough and warm and real."
"Sirius is dead."
"Who are you?"
The figure smiles sadly. "I came to deliver a message. Sirius' message."
Severus swallows and his surroundings turn blurry. "What is it?"
"He wants me to tell you…he says goodbye and—"
Goodbye because he's dead and I'm dead to him.
"I'm going," Severus says, albeit he would be arrested for his use of the Unforgivable Curse the moment he walked out of the Department.
And he walks down the steps, clumsily but never hearing his shoes clunk against the thick wood.
"—And that he loves you."
Severus stops and turns around, his heart thumping madly in his throat.
He does not see the ghostly figure.
So he closes his eyes, years full of suppressed emotion fluttering through the air as he breathes the wooden scent of the room.
Sirius died here.
Severus thinks perhaps he is hallucinating, but a rough finger gently touches his cheek.
Goodbye.
And a stifled sob fills the room, but it does not come from Severus.
Sometimes ghosts cry too, for love cut by such a thin line.
~*~*~*
A perfect day a perfect night
Tell me all those perfect lies
And lie back in the garden till it's light
Perfect silence me and you
It's really me, I really do
Remember every moment magnified
~*~*~*
***
Draco says nothing, but something akin to horror flashes in his eyes.
Perfect green eyes stares him down. Glassy mirrors that reflect him.
And it rips his mask into shreds, flesh and bone and no more silver blood to cover him up.
Red blood.
Because he's human, just like everyone else, and it's so beautiful it blinds the eyes.
"What the fuck did you *do*?"
Potter looks away.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?" screams Draco, fire blazing in his eyes.
Strange how grey eyes can hold so many flames and never even wither.
Green eyes smolder into ashes.
Potter turns and stares at him, "Shut up, Malfoy," he says with that amazing calm. "We need to get the fuck out of here."
Draco tells himself to breathe. "What did you do – sign a treaty with the Devil? How *kind* of you. I'm honored."
He never expected Potter to seize him by the collar.
"One more word Malfoy, and you're going to die and I mean it."
Draco laughs. "Going to kill me, Potter? Going to dirty your golden hands with murder?"
Emerald eyes are different. Emerald eyes don't smolder. They burn even brighter.
"I hate you," says Potter.
"The feeling is mutual."
Potter seems to regain his composure. Draco isn't even sure what made him lose it in the first place.
He looks at Draco with an odd, analytical gaze.
"Don't ever change that."
And he smiles.
***
Everyone goes insane after awhile. It was the good luck of Harry to get Draco Malfoy as a stepping stone.
What did you do?
His answer hadn't been a lie – just the truth crusted under too many layers to cut. All those lies would have been so easy, but Malfoy's eyes burned them away.
Harry contemplates that perhaps Malfoy was more than a stepping-stone; maybe he was the driver, too.
Malfoy's eyes. Silver licking at blue.
He sits at the campfire, dimly aware of the miles they traveled that day. He tries to push the incident out of his mind – he was a hero, after all; no use dwelling on little events such as these. After all, Malfoy is alive – he did his job; the route he took did not matter.
"You don't know the significance of what you did, do you Potter?"
Harry doesn't even look up. "I don't want to know."
But Malfoy ignores this.
"You had to love me to be able to bring me back."
A sharp, brittle chuckle from Malfoy.
You had to love me.
Lightning strikes a tree, far into the distance.
It splits down the middle, showing as plainly as nature can that two forces can never exist as one.
*
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*
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Song by Lightning Seeds, "Perfect Silence"
***
W00t! Finally! Six is finished =D. I have never heard of the Lightning Seeds before, but the lyrics were wonderfully good, so I used them =).
THANK YOU SO MUCH for the positive feedback! *huggles everyone* You guys all deserve one huge ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, sugary sprinkles, and a whole lot of butterscotch. ;D
On a less (hungry) note, here are all those thanks to my reviewers:
Naynymic: Oh goodness. I changed it all for you. 333333333333
Mythistica : I pay them no mind =) Am so glad you liked it. *gives cookie*
Marie: *cackles like maniac* The evilness overtakes me ;D
Borian: With heart? =) Thank you…I hope this chapter had heart too!
Sparklyblackblanket: I think we need handcuffs, savvy? =D =D =D
Jess: Funny? Hmmmm…that's an interesting…perspective…
Juniper: Heee. Hee. Hee. *hee hooa* Am in a sense of overexcited bearings of coffee-induced nerve skydiving. Hee hee? Hee haww? ;)
Felise: You didn't call! *pouts* Anyway. Well…I forgot…
Gertie: You're back!! Yay!!! =D Missed you immensely. *pats* but Sevvie and Sirius are so cute! *giggles*
Tara (sugar_shooter): Shall compel you into the evils of LJ doom very shortly…*evil laugh*…that makes no sense whatsoever. However, lots of 33 to you!
Jenny (Brokeni): You rule. No. You RULE. No. YOU RULE!!!! =D I'll have to IM to sometime to discuss that little fic we're to be writing =P. I reviewed for Fait Acompli (sp?)…nice start =D I shall find them to read it when I finish reading "Holes", which I just bought. I love that book immensely. 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Goodbyejoshua: Interesting…is CafePress free? That's awfully nice…perhaps I'll start my own stand too =D. Of all else, THANK YOU for sticking w/ me!
Iluvlabyrinth: *hands tissue* I don't want to make anyone cry! But thank you =)
Kanoi_Trace: Hey…how you doing? You haven't been on LJ for quite a bit…I miss you. Besides…your icon brightens my day considerably! 3
Delfus: *smirks* Evil Gryffindor indeed. *shows off her red-and-gold scarf proudly*
sapphire-wolf1: Hehe. Sugar is good ;) I hope this chapter isn't confusing… :sweatdrop: I am a confusing author…
Professor: *seals mouth* Narcissa is a grain of salt who hasn't been fully crystallized yet =D
Kerstin Malfoy Potter: I 3 the inner dialogue! *pats* Hee…hee…heehehe! *goes bungee-jumping with your conscience* Thank you for adding me to your fave Author/Story list!! It means a LOT!
fishno12: *bows* thank you. I'm taking this slow since I've haven't really written the transition time into an H/D relationship before, so I'm hoping when they do get together, they're be…comfortable =)
rose: *blush* I always thought my Draco was slightly OC…but thank you so marvelously! *offers early Halloween treats*
Zara: bossiness is good ;) Helps make the initiative. Thanks so much for reading! *glomps*
evilraven: This chapter barely has any dialogue *nervous laugh* I hope it's still okay…
FandomAvenger: Thanks Erin! FF.net kinda messes my styling of the eclipses…*jots notes* thank you!
~*~*~
Also, I wanted to send mass hugs to Bethany, whom as just archived me at her lovely Malfoy Slash Archive =). If you'd like, you can visit my own archive! For newer H/D writers =) … perfect-memory.net/shadows (no www). Oh, and thank Leeje, by lovely hostess for her grandness.
On a more tearful note, I just finished "Beautiful World" by Cinnamon and I cried myself dry. *sniffs* You all go read it, or else I will be extremely knackered. *sniff*
Am expecting blue to give birth to a very…high-heeled fic, let's say? She shall be producing a Hermione/Ginny fic involving boots…however the plot goes. =)
Last note! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! And *please* review. It helps so much you can't imagine. *blows kisses*
~Jen