I smell blood. On my lips, in between the cracks of my finger-nails, on my arms and dripping down my neck. It's not mine.
The sky is dark red. Just like his eyes; burning devious red. He's so smart and so gentle. I can hear his soft voice describing the psychological workings of my mind.
You see, I hear him speaking to me. I see him walking with me, sleeping next to me, watching me eat, and sitting with me in the park. He is always there, never leaving and never frowning. Same placid curl of lips, same exact silver hair. But he's not really there. The more I stare the more I can see him, the more I start to believe the harder it gets to breathe.
I am resting my head on an open book. My journal, actually. Not really, because it has been empty for the past 2 years. I stare at the farthest wall and watch the shadows of mid afternoon. The next moment I blink and he appears. I don't move, just breathe some more. He watches and smiles again and puts his long fingered hand into his pockets. I feel like crying because that gesture seems so real.
I spend the rest of the day with my head on the blank page and staring into red unchanging eyes. I never move; neither does he.
It is a Sunday and I am on my way to a church. I'm not Christian but I know that I must go. Every step digs me deeper into a trance. By the time I reach the majestic doors, I am in another world. The alter smells of myrrh and the calming balm of ancient wood. I move to sit on a bench and stare at Christ bleeding on us all. I see Lilith and I see Kaworu and I see Rei and I see my father and my mother. I see them all in Christ and I let myself cry. God watches me that I know. I tell his divinity that I'm already going to Hell so there is no use saving a branded soul. My eyes are leaking and I feel my throat clog. Christ's lifeless eyes are closed. I am alone.
The next day I am in the shower and watching the soap bubbles pop. In every bubble, there is another promise that I make to myself. And I pop them all. Now I am left with one promise that I know I will fulfill. Only one because it will be the last.
The ceiling is blank. I left the window open and I can feel the night breeze. It stings a bit, but I don't want to feel it. So I don't.
He is here. I can feel his impossible presence. Next to me, now, leaning over the bed. He rests his head on folded arms near my ribs. I look down at him but do not see.
"Close your eyes, Shinji. I'll let you sleep." Soft and tender death of noise. His smile doesn't fall and neither do his eyes leave my slowly delirious ones.
"Yes." I smile.
He holds my hand and I think I feel warmth. But the new heat is already leaving me.
"Good night." He whispers.
I lean towards the darkness and let myself fall. Because I know that he'll catch me no matter how dark the darkness may be.
Kaworu. These rose-kissed moments will find their way to you.