Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. If they did ER would be having a very different season.
Spoilers: Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11
Summary: Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.
Chapter 3
I thought something might be wrong when Kem woke up at 4:00AM with stomach pains. I told myself that they were probably just gas pains or indigestion, but something seemed a little off. I knew something was wrong when Kem went to the bathroom and discovered she was bleeding. She looked so terrified; her dark eyes were wide with worry and fear. We immediately went to the hospital and I took her straight up to OB. The doctor examined her and informed us that Kem was experiencing a miscarriage. Kem instantly broke down into tears, while I stood there in complete shock. The doctor left to give us some privacy and I sat down on the bed and simply held Kem until her sobs subsided and her body relaxed. I wept silently while I held her, mourning the loss of our child, but also mourning the loss of Gamma, the loss of Bobby, and the loss of my innocence.
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I heard Carter and Kem were here when I began my shift in the NICU at 6:00AM. Since they obviously would not have scheduled a check-up at that time, I knew that there had been a complication. I debated until 7:30 whether or not to check on them. I knew my presence would be extremely awkward, but I felt an overwhelming desire to see if Carter was okay. Which is why I am now walking towards Carter in the OB waiting room. His elbows are resting on his knees, and his hands hold his head as he looks down to the floor. I sense that something is terribly wrong.
"Hey."
Cater slowly looks up. His eyes are red, his face drawn, and I can tell he has been crying.
"Hey."
I want to ask him what happened, but I'm not sure if it is my place to do so. The rules have changed since he's come back to Chicago, and I'm still uncertain as to what they are. I make my way over to the couch he is sitting on and take a seat next to him. It unnerves me to see him so upset. The only other time I've seen him in this state was when his grandmother died. We both face straight ahead and he solemnly says, "We lost the baby."
"John, god, I'm so sorry. What happened?"
"She miscarried. Doctor doesn't know why. Said it just happens to some women."
"Is Kem okay? I mean, physically?"
Carter looks down at his hands before replying, "Physically, yeah, she's just fine. She's asleep now. She took it pretty hard though." Carter swallows. "It was rough. I didn't know what I could do or say to make it better." He pauses, and it looks like he might break down. "I don't like feeling so out of control, you know? I'm a doctor, and I'm used to having some kind of control over people's fate. But then something happens like this and you realize that no matter what you do, life is always going to mess up whatever plans you have made. It makes you wonder what the point of any of it is."
I glance over at Carter, who looks so defeated, and say, "Maybe we weren't meant to have so much control." Carter turns his head to look at me.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. I just know that I've lived most of my life trying to control my situation and my feelings without a lot of success. I've never let myself get too happy for fear of being hurt, and then if I was hurt I would numb that feeling with alcohol. I'm starting to realize that it's important to take some chances in life. And yeah, sometimes it isn't going to work out and it's not going to be okay, but then other times it is, and those times will be wonderful."
"Right now it is pretty hard to believe that this pain is worth it, and that anything will ever be wonderful."
"John, you know just as well as I do what happens when you spend life on the sidelines, always being careful and afraid to live. Look where it got me. By myself, sad and alone. You're going to have to find a way to work through your grief, or you're going to fall into a downward spiral of fear and self-doubt that I know from experience is damn near impossible to get out of."
Carter looks as if he might start crying and he chokes on his words as he says, "But you don't understand, I lost a child. How am I supposed to believe in anything again?"
I examine Carter for a moment. His shoulders are slouched, he has tears in his eyes, and I find myself almost frightened to see him in this state. I haven't seen him so vulnerable since he first returned from Atlanta, three years ago. It feels like a lifetime away. Since that time, our roles had significantly shifted. I went from his strong, supportive sponsor to someone who was in constant crisis and in complete denial about my need for help. John had been my rock for such a long time I had forgotten how to be his. But as he sits next to me, on the brink of a breakdown, I remember how much I have always cared for him, and my desire to help him through this overcomes me.
"I'm not going to pretend I know what you are feeling right now. But I can say that I know how I felt when I lost my child." Carter's head jerks up. "I had an abortion."
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I am sitting next to Abby, silently absorbing what she has just told me. I know that this is extremely difficult for her to talk about, so I wait patiently for her to continue. I'm starting to think that she has no intention of continuing, and when she does start to explain there are tears in her eyes, and she speaks with such a quiet determination that I have to strain my ears to catch every word.
"It was when I was married to Richard. I was 24. I was still scared I might become bipolar, and was equally scared that I would pass the disease onto my child. Richard and I barely saw each other, it's a wonder I ever got pregnant. I was still drinking at that point, and I guess I just thought it wouldn't be right to bring a child into the world with so many strikes against it. I know that it was completely my own decision, so I have no right to grieve, but I still think about it all the time."
She stops, and I think this is the end of the conversation. I open my mouth to respond when she says, "The only people I've ever told are my doctor and my mother. John, I wish to god I wouldn't have been so scared. See, in the process of trying to control the chaos, I ended up missing out on a really great thing in life. I think we both need to realize that we need to give up some control, even if there are risks involved."
I feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now. I'm filled with grief over the loss of my unborn child and confusion about where my relationship with Kem goes from here. But sitting here next to Abby, listening to her share these difficult memories with me in order to provide me with some comfort, I also feel a happiness that I have not felt in a while.
I reach over, place my hand on her knee, and say, "It means a lot to me that you told me."
She gives me a slight smile and replies, "It means a lot to me too."
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I'm sitting next to Carter, his hand gently resting on my knee, and I suddenly feel guilty. Guilty for enjoying this contact with him after the ordeal he experienced this morning and while his girlfriend sleeps only a few rooms away. I want to get up and leave, but as I look over to say goodbye, I notice that the tears have once again resurfaced in his eyes and I feel such a longing to wrap my arms around him and make all of his pain go away. Before I realize it, I find myself reaching out to him and the next thing I know my hands are gently rubbing his back and his head is buried in my neck. And I feel more content than I have in a long, long while.
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Abby's right hand is tracing light circles up and down my spine while her left hand rests on my lower back. One of my hands rests on the back of her neck while my face is buried in her hair. Her warm body against mine feels so comforting that any guilty feelings I am having are quickly forgotten. I find myself wanting to see her face, and as I pull back and look into her eyes I suddenly remember how incredibly beautiful she really is. I reach out to brush a stray hair away from her face when the palm of my hand brushes against her skin. I leave it there. She closes her eyes and leans into my touch. I am amazed how much better she can make me feel simply by being in my presence, and I'm having a difficult time remembering why we ever ended our relationship. She opens her mouth to say something when Neela bursts through the door.
"Abby! Finally, I've been…." Neela stops quickly as she realizes she has interrupted something. "Um, excuse me, I'm sorry, but, um, Dr. Coburn has been looking all over for you and she sounds pissed."
Abby, whose face has turned a bright shade of crimson and is now sitting as far away from me on the couch as she possibly can says, "Thanks for the heads up. I'll be right there."
"No problem," Neela answers as she quickly exits the room.
Abby slowly stands up and smoothes out her scrubs. "I guess I better get back."
As she turns to leave I call to her, "Thank you Abby."
She turns back around and looks at me quizzically. "For what?"
"For listening to me. For understanding. And for still being my friend after the way I ended things."
She looks down at the floor for a moment, and when she looks up, I see that there are tears in her eyes.
"Your welcome."
And then she is gone.
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Authors Note: Wow, that was a really difficult chapter to write!
Thank you to everyone who is reviewing, you are what motivates me to continue (that and all of the depressing spoilers that we keep getting)
Oh, and to those who are asking if this will be a Carby, if I told you that the ending would be ruined! But the fact that they are pretty much the only characters in the story so far should be some sort of clue!
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