Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 6

I found out that I passed my boards today.  Which means that in one week, when my ER rotation is over, I will officially become Dr. Lockhart.  I haven't felt this giddy in a long time.  I haven't told anyone yet, and I am a little embarrassed why.  I wanted Carter to be the first person I told. After all, he did spend two months helping me study.  Twice a week we would go out to eat after work and he would go over practice tests with me.  After I took the exam, we continued to go out, even though there was no reason to.  Neither one of us brought that up, however.  It's nice to have his friendship back, even though it's painful when I realize that I blew my chance at having something more.  I'm happy though, and I can't wait to share my news with him.  I look at the clock on the wall and see that he should be at work by now.  I decide to peek in the lounge and see if he's in there.  I open the door and see him at his locker, taking off his jacket.

"Hey Carter."

He smiles when he sees me.  "Hi Abby.  I was just coming to look for you.  Can you take a short break?"

"A short one. What's up?"  We walk out of the lounge towards the ambulance bay.  When we are outside he places his hand on the small of my back and gently guides me over to a bench.  I smile at his touch, and am disappointed when he places his hands in his lap after we sit down.

"I wanted to tell you what I did last night."

I raise my eyebrow and wonder if I really want to hear this.  Carter senses my hesitation and quickly continues.

"I went to the Foundation's board meeting."

"Good for you!"  I am genuinely pleased to hear that he is becoming more involved.

"Let me finish.  I went to a board meeting so that I could present a few ideas I have had about the direction I want the Foundation to take.  They liked my ideas, so in the next few months some new programs will be up and running."

"What kind of programs?"

"Well, we're going to sponsor doctors to travel to developing countries, kind of like what I did when I went to Africa.  And we're also going to try to open a free clinic here in Chicago.  We may even go into some of the poorer schools and give the kids free exams and shots." 

Carter looks so proud right now I can't help but smile.  "That's really great, John.  I'm proud of you."

He looks down and I think he may be blushing a little.  "Thanks.  I probably wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for our talk."

"What are friends for?"  I suddenly remember my news.  "Oh hey, I have some news too!"

Carter looks up, intrigued.  "Oh yeah?  What's that?"

"I found out I passed my boards.  In one week I will be done with med school."

Carter quickly pulls me into a hug.  "Congratulations!  I knew you would pass!"

I pull back, a little embarrassed by Carter's sudden display of affection.  "Sure you did, that's why you always looked so confidant when we were studying together and I was constantly giving you the wrong answers."

He doesn't respond to my sarcasm and instead says, "I'm only on for a half shift.  How about we go celebrate our victories after work?"

I wish I could, I really wish I could.  "I have a nursing shift."

"Can't you blow it off?"

I shrug my shoulders.  "I need the money."

Carter opens his mouth to respond when an ambulance pulls up.  I guess my break is over.

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            The ambulance doors open up and a man is wheeled out.  I can tell right away that his chances won't be good.  I listen to Doris as she gives me the bullet; auto versus pedestrian, 56 year old male, weak pulse, wife is okay…… I look up to see if Abby wants to run this one.  She looks very pale and I'm about to ask her if she's all right when I hear Haleh say, "I've lost a pulse!"

"Okay, let's get him into Trauma One NOW!"

After we get him inside we shock his heart until we get a rhythm.  I begin to instruct Abby to intabate, when I realize she is just as pale as she was outside and also has a look on her face I've never seen before.  I don't know what to make of it until I hear Haleh talking to the man's wife.

"What is your husband's name?"

"Robert Wyczenski."

I instinctively turn my head towards Abby and our eyes lock.

It's my dad.

I know.

"Malik, go get Neela."  My eyes are still on Abby and she shakes her head and quickly backs out of the room.  I turn my attention back to the patient, and we proceed to work on him, trying to get him stable enough to go to surgery.

            We've worked on Abby's dad for well over an hour.  His heart stopped beating twice.  He's currently on a ventilator, and Pratt is speaking to his wife about how long she wants him to stay on it.  He's not going to make it.  I need to find Abby.

I reach the door leading to the roof of the hospital, and I begin to feel nervous about what I may find on the other side.  There is no question in my mind that this is where Abby has gone, I'm just uncertain what state she is in.  I walk out onto the roof and see her looking over the Chicago skyline, a cigarette in her left hand, her right clutching the railing.  She looks over to me as I approach and notices me looking at her cigarette.

"First one in four months."

I continue to walk towards her.

"I figured it was better to fall off the wagon with one of these instead of what I really want right now."

I finally reach her.

"How's he doing?"

"Not so good.  He's on a ventilator, and probably won't come off of it."

Her face gives nothing away.  "Did he ever regain consciousness?"

I shake my head and she turns so that her back is to me.  She drops her cigarette and stamps it out with her foot.  She then folds her arms across her chest and says, "I haven't seen him in over 25 years."

I lightly rub my hands up and down her arms, hoping to provide some sort of comfort.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now.  I always thought if I saw him again, I'd tell him how pissed off I was, you know?  I mean, he abandoned us.  He couldn't handle Maggie, so he left his seven year old daughter to do it."

I change my light rubs to gentle squeezes, desperate to take some of the pain away.

"But the second I saw him, and I knew it was really my dad, I just wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I missed him."

Her voice begins to crack and I know she is crying.  I turn her around so she is facing me and hold her tightly in my arms.  I feel her body shaking, and I continue to hold her, lightly kissing the top of her head every so often, waiting for her cries to subside.  As we stand there, I begin to become angry.  Angry at the world for everything it has put Abby through.  Her father left her as a child to deal with her family.  Her mother continually abandoned her and Eric, and when she was around was completely unpredictable.  Her husband cheated on her, and now her brother is sick with the same illness that gave her such a difficult childhood.  I know that I could easily be added to this list of people that have hurt her as well.   That realization makes me sick to my stomach.  God, Abby, I am so sorry.  I never wanted to be someone who caused you pain.

Abby pulls back and as I look down at her tear-stained face, I notice how incredibly tired she looks. 

"Do you want to get out of here?  I could talk to Weaver."

"No.  I have a nursing shift."

"Abby, I'm sure you could find someone to cover for you."

She shakes her head.  "I told you earlier, I need the money."

"I'll lend you the money. What's it for, rent?"

"No, it's for Eric."

For Eric?  Abby must sense my confusion because she elaborates.

"I told you he was living with Maggie, right?  Well, he got a job and is doing really well, but his insurance doesn't kick in for another month."

I'm still confused.

"He doesn't have any money for his meds."

"I thought you said you were going to let him make it on his own for awhile."

Abby looks at me pointedly and says, "No, I said I wasn't going to support him anymore unless he was seriously trying to get well.  And he is.  So yeah, I'll do whatever it takes."

"You don't have anything put away you could use?"

Abby lets out a sad little laugh.  "No, anytime I've managed to save anything I've had to use it for emergency plane tickets, or to pay Maggie's hotel room bills, or hospital stays in the psychiatric ward."

"Why don't I give you a loan?"

"I don't think that would be such a good idea."

I want to pursue the matter, but I know she'll say no, and I also know that right now she has other things on her mind.  She's walked over to the edge of the roof and is staring off into the distance.  She lights another cigarette and turns to look at me.  I am overwhelmed with the sadness I see in her eyes.  I can't believe that just a few hours earlier we were talking and laughing.  She had seemed so happy and carefree.  And now, once again, her life has been turned upside down in an instant.  It's all I can do to stop myself from scooping her up in my arms and promising to never let anyone hurt her again.  But I know that I can't make that promise, and, more importantly, I know that I lost my chance at being the one who makes those kinds of promises to her.

"Could you do something for me?"  Abby asks in a quiet voice.

I would do anything for you.

"Of course."

"I have an hour in between shifts.  Would you go to a meeting with me?"

I'm floored.  Abby has never asked me to go to a meeting with her, even when we were dating.  She was always so hesitant for me to see that she was struggling, that she needed someone.  I reach out and take a hold of her hand.  I look down and see how tiny and fragile it looks in mine, and I don't ever want to let it go.  I use my other hand to wipe a stray tear from her face and reply, "Let's go."

She shakes her head and says, "There's something I have to do first."

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            I slowly walk into the trauma room.  I am greeted by the sound of the steady beep of the heart monitor and the gentle whirl of the ventilator.  I slowly walk towards my father and my mind is suddenly flooded with memories.  I stop, and I contemplate turning around and running away from the situation, but I don't.  Because I know I need to do this.  I need to do this in order to let go and move on.

"Hey Dad.  It's Abby."  I sit down a stool next to the bed and silently watch him for a moment.  I watch the steady rise and fall of his chest and look at the lines in his face that were not present the last time I saw him.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm okay.  I don't know if you ever even thought about me, but I thought you should know that."  I pause and look down at my hands for a moment before I continue.

"I also wanted to tell you how much I hate what you did to our family.  You left me with my baby brother and crazy mother.  If you couldn't handle her, how did you expect me to?  I was seven years old.  I'm angry that you made me grow up so fast.  I'm angry that Eric never even got to know you.  I'm angry that I've spent so much time wondering why I wasn't good enough for you, why you didn't love me enough to stay."  I violently wipe away the tears that are gathering in the corners in my eyes.

"But most of all, I'm angry at myself for all of the times I wished you would have taken me with you when you left."  I can barely see his face through the blur of my tears, which are now freely flowing down my face.

"Of all the hospitals in the world, I don't know why you ended up here.  But I'm glad I got the chance to see you.  I've wanted to tell you these things for such a long time now.  And I also want to tell you that I forgive you.  I'll never understand why you did what you did, but I'm going to stop letting it affect my life now.  I love you Dad.  I'm not sure why, but I do."

I stand up, and slowly lean down to lightly kiss his forehead.  I turn around and walk out the door, not looking back.  I have never in my life felt so emotionally drained.  I head towards the sliding doors and into the ambulance bay, where I know Carter is waiting for me. I see him pacing back and forth, and when he sees me he freezes.  He looks worried.  I know I must look terrible.  I walk over to him and he wraps his arms around me.  I instantly feel safe, and I close my eyes and try to pretend today never happened.

"Are you okay?"

We both know this is a silly question, of course I'm not okay.  But when I look up into his eyes to answer I say with complete honesty,

"No, but I will be."

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Author's Note:   Okay, one more chapter to go!  In the next chapter Carter and Abby will finally come to a decision about their relationship.

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