Depression
Go away. . . . Didn't you understand me? Go away, get as far as you can. I'm dangerous. Why aren't you scared? I'm scared. Can you smell it? The blood on my claws? The human blood on my claws? I've used Kagome's soaps, I've used strong herbs and still I smell it. Maybe I always will. What do you think?
I'm a monster. A murdering, evil monster. Just like every demon out there. Why? This isn't what I wanted. Why isn't my demon half more like my brother? You know cold, but in control. No mine is . .
I could have killed Kagome. I think that's the worst thing. I don't remember anything. One moment I was in that damn cocoon, the next I was on the ground flat on my back with the smell of human blood covering me. I even tried the tough guy act. You know, I don't give a damn. But, she saw right through that. She knows me too well. She knew it was tearing me up.
They finally told me. The truth, Tetsusaiga prevents it from happening. I could tell they didn't want to. I think they'd known since it happened the first time. They were right not to tell me. I would have... thrown the sword away all in the desire to become a full demon. I don't want that now.
I wish you could have seen the pain in Kagome's eyes. No fear, I've only seen one thing scare her. Kikyou. Kagome her eyes are so full of her concern for me. Sometimes I think she would take on an entire village, if they dared speak against me. She's faced down demons that could kill her easy just to protect me.
Want to know a secret? She's my strength. Really. She is so sure of my ability to protect her. I find myself stronger hoping to never prove her wrong. The only thing I can't protect her from is myself. Not to long ago I was going to tell her that I couldn't see her ever again. But, she found me first. She only wanted one thing... something so simple I couldn't refuse Just to be with me, to stay beside me. As we walked back to Kaede's I promised myself I'd never hurt her.
What if I transform again? What if I hurt her in that form? I can't risk it. I can't ever be separated from Tetsusaiga. But, I can't even wield the damn thing it's so heavy since Toto-sai repaired it after Goshinki broke it. Ya think he might have an idea how to make it lighter? The training shit ain't working. Guess I'll go see the old fart in the morning.