Family
She went back to her era today. I fussed and fumed like always, ended up eating dirt. I thought it was for more of those tests. But as she jumped down the well she said she had a family obligation. Why couldn't she have said that before I kissed the ground? I understand that.
Family, that's the most important thing in life. Something I'll never have. I told you I dream about having pups of my own right? Well if I didn't I do. I think I'd be a good father. I do pretty good by Shippo. Ok maybe I don't do the best job I could with him. But Sango and Kagome coddle him too much. Think about it. If I really wanted to hurt him I could. Little brats toughening up just fine. Couple more months and I can start teaching him to track.
She's in heat now. Her scent is wonderful. I could get lost in it. These are the nights I think about what I'll never have. A small hut, not far from the village or the well. My mate and I sitting on the porch watching our pups play. Our pups would be strong and healthy. They would look like her, jet black hair and blue eyes. But never my white hair or fangs or claws or these ears. No my pups will look human, no one will call them filthy or half breed.
Then reality sets in. When this is over, either I'll be dead or taking a one way trip to hell. Either way she'll go back to her own time and find someone there. She'll be happy. Will she remember all of this? I will. I'll never forget. Even if Kikyou drags me to hell with her, I will hold her smile in my heart. That one she gives me when she thinks I'm not looking. I can pretend for just that split second, that we are mates.
The others don't understand. I'm not rude to her to be mean. I want nothing more than to be nice to her, like she is to me. But, if I'm nice to her, if I let her get too close I won't be able to honor my promise. How can I expect her or them to understand when I don't fully. All I know is that Kikyou died because of me. If it puts her spirit at peace then I'll leap into hell with her. Don't misunderstand me, at one time I would have done because of my feelings for Kikyou. Now, well everyday I'm with Kagome it becomes less something I want to do and more something I have to do.
It's times like this I wish Sesshomaru and I were closer. Now, don't get me wrong I don't like him. That's mainly because he tries to kill me everytime I see him. But he is smart, smarter than me and honorable. He would, if we were like brothers are suppose to be, give me excellent advice.