Chapter VI - The Risks
Ellie took a deep breath and closed the door. Now it was Lupin who was looking at her very closely.
"What?" she asked.
"What did Severus mean by dangerous ingredient?"
"Oh that!" and she waved her hand "That's just Sevy, you know him!" She took some papers from the table, but she knew Lupin's eyes were still on her.
"Why do you need it? I know Severus figured it out and he wasn't pleased."
"Oh, well" and she mumbled something, still reading the papers, not noticing some of them were upside down.
"Ellie, look at me." He took her gently by her arm and looked deeply into her eyes. "I know what phoenix tears are for. They have healing powers." She tried to avoid his eyes "You're not going to use it in a potion, are you? Look at me." Unable to keep avoiding him, she gave in. He had such beautiful eyes! She always loved his eyes... They seemed to show how strong and fragile his soul was. "It's for you, isn't it?" came his voice again. "Ellie, I won't let you stay."
She seemed to find her voice again.
"It's not your call!" and she actually freed her arm. "Yes, it's for me. I have to be present when you test the potion to make sure it's working. I have to know what's going on. I have to-"
"I quit, then." he said very suddenly "I won't let you take that risk! I won't let you stand by me while I'm transforming! It's too dangerous!"
She lost her voice again, looking flabbergasted. She mouthed wordlessly and then...
"Fine!" she said, almost shouting, very much unlike her and looking positively furious! "Quit if you want to! Give up and go home! Why not? Be a monster all your life! Aaaargh!! What did you think testing meant, you... you... " and, unable to insult him properly, she went storming into the lab. Two seconds later she returned, pointing her finger very threateningly at his face "I always knew the risks I had to take! Do you think inventing a potion is just some mix-up of ingredients? This is not cooking, you know? You have to test it! Watch how it works! Have some kind of antidote ready in case something goes wrong. You have to check for signs of poisoning, for unexpected results...! This is potion making! It's not some milk shake receipt! Why do you think there are so few of us, inventors?" And she looked very testingly at Lupin " And why do you think it took so long for someone to do this kind of potion? Do you think I finally made it because I'm a genius?... or because nobody cared before?"
He was very shocked to see her that angry. But she didn't seem to care. She was blurting out things that were stuck inside her for far too long.
"Nobody cared for curing or treating werewolves because nobody cares about werewolves! All the potion makers I've met trying something connected with werewolves are developing poisons! Ways to kill you! Nobody wants to see you living! That's why nobody ever even tried to invent this potion! I was kicked out of the Potion Making Convention three years ago just for suggesting this! I've received letters from the Ministry of Magic warning me, or threatening me, about the things I said at the Convention! I have been banished from the Confederation of Potion Makers!" she said acidly "all because of this little potion here that interferes with the natural and organized world of wizards, where creatures like giants, vampires and werewolves are not supposed to be treated as humans, are supposed to be killed !!!"
She took a deep breath and said in a calmer, but even more dangerously voice "And you're telling me you can't let me take the risks?"
There was an awkward silence. Lupin was looking deeply shocked. "Banished?" he said slowly. "I had no idea..." he was looking rather pale. "And all because of..."
"Of this potion, yes, that you don't want to try because I could get hurt. Remus, getting hurt is nothing next to the hope of seeing you safe. The mere hope was worth all of it. That hope gave me strength when I couldn't find a job at the simplest places these last couple of years. That hope gave me strength when close colleagues walked away and eventually stopped owling me. It gave me hope to come back here, to my old place, starting a new life away from Hogsmeade, because some of the potion makers there kept looking at me as if I had some contagious disease. Severus is the only potion maker I'm still in touch with."
"I'm sorry, Ellie." said Lupin, very quietly. "I know how that feels." He had been banished half his life for being a werewolf. But that was something he couldn't help. But she was someone who could help from being banished (all she had to do was forget all about the Wolfsbane potion) and yet... she didn't quit and made it till the end. All alone. Yet she had made it.
"Are you sure phoenix tears will be enough?" he asked.
"I have other potions that will be ready by that time. But phoenix tears are usually very effective."
"Ellie..." and he looked her deeply admiring her but also very concerned "I don't want you to get hurt."
"And I want you to be safe."
He took her hand and said "I don't know how to thank you". And she felt his warm and gentle lips on her hand.
"Oh well", she said to herself that night, long after he'd left, "the kiss was right, only the place was wrong..."
Ellie took a deep breath and closed the door. Now it was Lupin who was looking at her very closely.
"What?" she asked.
"What did Severus mean by dangerous ingredient?"
"Oh that!" and she waved her hand "That's just Sevy, you know him!" She took some papers from the table, but she knew Lupin's eyes were still on her.
"Why do you need it? I know Severus figured it out and he wasn't pleased."
"Oh, well" and she mumbled something, still reading the papers, not noticing some of them were upside down.
"Ellie, look at me." He took her gently by her arm and looked deeply into her eyes. "I know what phoenix tears are for. They have healing powers." She tried to avoid his eyes "You're not going to use it in a potion, are you? Look at me." Unable to keep avoiding him, she gave in. He had such beautiful eyes! She always loved his eyes... They seemed to show how strong and fragile his soul was. "It's for you, isn't it?" came his voice again. "Ellie, I won't let you stay."
She seemed to find her voice again.
"It's not your call!" and she actually freed her arm. "Yes, it's for me. I have to be present when you test the potion to make sure it's working. I have to know what's going on. I have to-"
"I quit, then." he said very suddenly "I won't let you take that risk! I won't let you stand by me while I'm transforming! It's too dangerous!"
She lost her voice again, looking flabbergasted. She mouthed wordlessly and then...
"Fine!" she said, almost shouting, very much unlike her and looking positively furious! "Quit if you want to! Give up and go home! Why not? Be a monster all your life! Aaaargh!! What did you think testing meant, you... you... " and, unable to insult him properly, she went storming into the lab. Two seconds later she returned, pointing her finger very threateningly at his face "I always knew the risks I had to take! Do you think inventing a potion is just some mix-up of ingredients? This is not cooking, you know? You have to test it! Watch how it works! Have some kind of antidote ready in case something goes wrong. You have to check for signs of poisoning, for unexpected results...! This is potion making! It's not some milk shake receipt! Why do you think there are so few of us, inventors?" And she looked very testingly at Lupin " And why do you think it took so long for someone to do this kind of potion? Do you think I finally made it because I'm a genius?... or because nobody cared before?"
He was very shocked to see her that angry. But she didn't seem to care. She was blurting out things that were stuck inside her for far too long.
"Nobody cared for curing or treating werewolves because nobody cares about werewolves! All the potion makers I've met trying something connected with werewolves are developing poisons! Ways to kill you! Nobody wants to see you living! That's why nobody ever even tried to invent this potion! I was kicked out of the Potion Making Convention three years ago just for suggesting this! I've received letters from the Ministry of Magic warning me, or threatening me, about the things I said at the Convention! I have been banished from the Confederation of Potion Makers!" she said acidly "all because of this little potion here that interferes with the natural and organized world of wizards, where creatures like giants, vampires and werewolves are not supposed to be treated as humans, are supposed to be killed !!!"
She took a deep breath and said in a calmer, but even more dangerously voice "And you're telling me you can't let me take the risks?"
There was an awkward silence. Lupin was looking deeply shocked. "Banished?" he said slowly. "I had no idea..." he was looking rather pale. "And all because of..."
"Of this potion, yes, that you don't want to try because I could get hurt. Remus, getting hurt is nothing next to the hope of seeing you safe. The mere hope was worth all of it. That hope gave me strength when I couldn't find a job at the simplest places these last couple of years. That hope gave me strength when close colleagues walked away and eventually stopped owling me. It gave me hope to come back here, to my old place, starting a new life away from Hogsmeade, because some of the potion makers there kept looking at me as if I had some contagious disease. Severus is the only potion maker I'm still in touch with."
"I'm sorry, Ellie." said Lupin, very quietly. "I know how that feels." He had been banished half his life for being a werewolf. But that was something he couldn't help. But she was someone who could help from being banished (all she had to do was forget all about the Wolfsbane potion) and yet... she didn't quit and made it till the end. All alone. Yet she had made it.
"Are you sure phoenix tears will be enough?" he asked.
"I have other potions that will be ready by that time. But phoenix tears are usually very effective."
"Ellie..." and he looked her deeply admiring her but also very concerned "I don't want you to get hurt."
"And I want you to be safe."
He took her hand and said "I don't know how to thank you". And she felt his warm and gentle lips on her hand.
"Oh well", she said to herself that night, long after he'd left, "the kiss was right, only the place was wrong..."