Pride and Prejudice: a Parody

Pairings: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Hermione Granger/Ronald Weasley, Minerva McGonagall/Albus Dumbledore, Lavender Brown/ Blaise Zabini.

Summary: This is my version of Pride and Prejudice: Harry Potter style! I've stuck VERY loosely to the plot line of Jane Austen's classic. I've had to tweeze a few things, cut a couple of the less important characters, but I've really tried to keep all the main people in there! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co., nor do I claim any rights to Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I am not making any money from this, either.

Author's Note: THIS STORY CONTAINS SLASH, WHICH MEANS GUY/GUY LOVE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, FIND SOMETHING A BIT MORE HETEROSEXUAL. THANK YOU. Well, now that that's out of the way, I have a few little notes. One, Sirius and Severus have this kind of love/hate friendship going on, I know that's not canon, but it's the only way I could make this work:) The ages are a bit different than canon, too. Sirius, Remus, and Snape are about 10 years younger. Harry and his year are around 17. Please review! Constructive criticism is welcomed!

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"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.(1)"

-or a hot guy, if he "swings that way."

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Albus Dumbledore frowned as his wife rambled on about how none of their grandchildren had settled down yet. He rolled his eyes when she started suggesting potential mates for each and every one of them, and continued ignoring her in general behind his Daily Prophet.

"....and Albus! Dear Remus is so handsome, and well tempered, that I wonder why no one has proposed marriage to him yet. What say you, love?" Minerva inquired, sipping her Earl Grey.

"Honestly, I think he's too young for marriage, he's only 29! Minerva, I proposed to you at 62, for Goodness sake!" He smirked to himself, knowing that he was goading his wife of 48 years. Her lips thinned, and her eyelids narrowed, a sure sign that he was pissing her off rather rapidly. Excellent. She was always so entertaining when fired up.

"Oh, I see! And I suppose you have no objection to Harry being paired off at 60?"

"Heavens no, that child will be snatched up any day now! He has a certain something more, an inner fire that is burning and sharp. He is not quite as attractive physically as our lovely Remus, I'll admit, but he is quite handsome, and more savvy than his other cousins." Albus reached for the pancakes, but Minerva yanked the plate away.

"How can you say that? Remus is highly intelligent! Why should he be inferior to Harry?"

"I didn't say that. It's just that Remus isn't as aggressive in romance, it will take him longer to connect strongly with someone. He just courts at a slower pace." Her eyes blazed with anger, and he prepared for the worst.

"You favor Harry too much, Albus. Yes, he is a tad more ferocious than his older cousin, but that doesn't make him better. And what about the other three? Lavender and Parvati are steadily growing more beautiful, and they are very popular among the quidditch team boys in town. And Neville....uh, Neville is....oh dear."

After a few second's, her husband cut in to dish out a few compliments for the middle of all the Gryffindor cousins. "He is sweet, caring, and very loyal to everyone in our little family. That Ginny Weasley down in the village seems to have a certain fondness for him. That would be a lovely pairing! Why don't you set about arranging that up, my dear?" For Minerva had a certain knack for being a match maker.

"Yes, well, maybe on my free time. But I have a lovely bit of news, dear! A rather wealthy gentleman and his party from London has bought a manor here in Hogsmeade! And Filius and his wife are hosting the annual Halloween masquerade next week! Perhaps you may call on them at Godric's Hollow today. I'm sure they would be delighted to meet Remus, or any of the other children, at the ball. Will you, Albus?" Her voice held a pleading note, and her fun-loving husband decided to toy with her a bit more.

On this note the younger two of the five children entered the kitchen. Parvati glanced at her grandfather from under her dark brown fringe, while Lavender immediately went down on her knees at his chair.

"Oh please, Grandfather! We must be introduced to them! They are from London! And perhaps one of them is not yet married." She giggled, and Albus had to force himself not roll his eyes at her silliness.

Remus and Harry strode in, looking rumpled, but gorgeous from sleep, and plopped down at the table without a word. "Mornin' Grandma, Grandpa." Harry mumbled, eyes closed and blindly groping for the pancakes and syrup. Remus lent him a hand and passed the food over.

"It's a beautiful day, children. Why are you not outside? Go for a walk! Exercise is the best way to clear you mind and release tension!" Dumbledore smiled, and the last boy trudged in, looking much similar to his elder cousins.

"Wha's for b-b-breakfast?" Neville yawned, sitting next to Harry. "Mmmm! Pancakes with maple syrup! My favorite!" And he dug into his meal without another word. Remus looked up as Minerva reignited her rant.

"Well? What of the call to the new neighbors?"

Dumbledore smirked behind his paper. "Whatever for, dear? I care not whether this man is a millionaire or a pauper. The children can walk over there and introduce themselves if they really want a meeting, I don't see why I must be involved." He felt rather than saw his wife's beady eyes narrow menacingly. The girls whined in indignation, and the three boys looked mildly put-out. They were looking forward to their meeting the new villagers.

"Do you not care for your grandchildren's well being? This could determine their future! It is good for them to make high connections such as these. I cannot see why you are being so indifferent." She huffed, petting Lavender's sunny brown hair. Dumbledore decided to end the game.

"Well, you may stop fretting, all of you. I called on Sirius Black yesterday, and he said that it will be a genuine delight to meet you all." all five teens whooped in joy, and flung themselves on top of their grandfather. "He'll be returning the visit sometime this week." He added, trying to hug all five of his grandchildren at once, and almost succeeding. Lavender and Parvati jumped back, excited looks spread all over their pretty faces.

"We need new dresses for the masquerade! And while in town, we can pick up a turkey for dinner when Mr. Black comes to call! May we have some money, Grandmother?" Lavender said very fast, practically bouncing with thrill. Harry looked at her with a frown as their grandmother passed some galleons over to the girls. His youngest cousin was so shallow. He could see her mind stuck on three words, repeating them like a mantra: 'Shopping! Quidditch boys! Shopping! Quidditch boys!" But he was delighted with the upcoming ball. Remus had dared him to go in drag, so he decided to do Cinderella. HE would need a dress, too. Oh, and glass slippers. Thank goodness he and Remus had saved their allowances, unlike the two frivolous girls.

Remus addressed his grandparents. "Harry, Neville and I need costumes as well. We'll escort the ladies. See you later, Grandma, Grandpa." The five of them lined up in a row, passing by their grandparents in turn to kiss them on the cheek, and head out the door, pockets full of spending money. It was going to be a good day.

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(1) Pride and Prejudice, page 1.