******
Part Two: Memories
SongFic: My Immortal by Evanescence
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"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears..."
It was time to leave him and I knew it was. I wondered why I could not bring myself to go. Love was a dangerous thing. I beat myself up every day trying to bring myself to leave him but I just couldn't do it. Now I had to. I was pregnant with his child and I had to go. There was nothing I could do. And I refused to give up my child.I wanted to be a mother more then anything in the entire world. But he wasn't ready to be a father, not the kind of father I wanted for my children at least.
It didn't matter anymore, I couldn't stay and pretend everything was fine. He brought me down all the time and I cried so many tears hoping things would get better because I loved him and he loved me. But no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much I wanted too, I could not afford wear that mask anymore. I could not allow myself do stay here, because I was not just thinking for myself anymore. I was going to have a child who would depend on me entirely.
"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave,
But your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...
We had been fighting again, and things had gotten completely out of control this time. After he had walked out the door and had not been back home in two days. If I allowed myself to stay until he returned, I would be drawn back into the same tormenting situation all over again. I needed to leave before he got back, before I got cold feet. If he found out that I was leaving he would have found some way to coax me into coming back, or staying with him. I would not have been able to refuse him. I would do anything for him.
I also knew that he wasn't trying to be an asshole, and that he loved me the best that he could, but love was not enough to stop us from fighting. He said he would never hit me or hurt me intentionally but his temper scared me, and I was afraid that one day he would loose control and do something he would regret. I had been beaten before, and I would not wait for it to happen again. I no longer believed in perfect love, it simply did not exist. The childish version of true love existed only in fairy tales, a fable made to keep kids happy and give them pathetic hope when they grew up.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase"
Heero took me for granted, and he would leave me alone while he went out and had fun. When I'd go out with my friends he'd get jealous. But I couldn't have my friends at our house, he hated them and treated them badly, and I was ashamed of that. I had a lot of guy friends too, but he didn't like it when I hung out with other guys, so when I did get the chance to go out I never told him exactly who it was I went with. All he knew was where I went and that I got home safely and was there in time to make love to him before we went to sleep for work the next morning.
When he was sick I always made sure that he had everything he needed, but he never seemed to be able to do the same for me when I needed him. Time after time I had put my future on hold so that he would be happy. I always stood up for him even when he didn't deserve my praise. I was hopelessly and desperately in love with him, it wasn't all just lust. And even if it was what parents termed 'puppy love,' it was just as real as any other love in the world and it was gonna hurt just as bad to loose him. But this time I was going to do what I should have done years ago.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me..."
He had wanted more then I was able to give him. I had been raped, abused, and beaten in the past. I had been put down throughout my entire life. I had insecurity issues and problems speaking up for myself because I had been taught to mistrust myself throughout my childhood. I had grown up in an environment that had told me I would never be good enough for my parents. I had been rejected by my peers and looked down upon and ridiculed to no end on every level.
I had tried to make him understand what I was going through, but because of what I had been through I always felt like he was laughing at me. I always ended up giving up in frustration feeling flustered and like a complete fool, like perhaps it was just all in my head and that things were fine. He didn't realize how horrible he was treating me; he never seemed to realize how fragile my mind really was. I wasn't that strong, I only pretended to be.
"You used to captivate me
By you're resonating light
But now I'm bound by the light you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me..."
He had been wonderful, and hell, the sex was amazing. I could feel how much he cared every time he touched me, it was a spiritual connection we made when we became one, not just a physical one. He didn't always have the best ways of showing he cared but I never doubted he did. It was pure magick when we made love and that was probably the only reason I had stayed with him as long as I had. I tried to leave so many times but then he would touch me and I would be lost again. But every time it was over I would feel like a whore, a thief, and a liar. My body betrayed me over and over again. I needed him close to me, holding me protectively in the crook of his arms.
When he moved I would feel bereft, alone. I was so insecure that I thought that he might have been cheating on me. I worried all the time about what he would do when I wasn't there. I could not help it. What was I supposed to expect of a man, after all every other man I had ever let get close to me had hurt me. He never told me where he had been or what he had been doing and I could not help but wonder if perhaps I was being taken for a fool.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase"
After I had left a man who had raped me emotionally and physically I found Heero. He was everything that I had ever wanted, and everything that I needed. For two months it was perfect, then the fights began. I would hold him and tell him I loved him while we made love, then I would cry feeling violated. I felt like I was trapped because my body betrayed me, but it was worse because I truly loved Heero and he truly loved me. It wasn't just some weak obsession; it was the real thing. When we weren't fighting for some stupid fucked up reason everything was great. The rest of the time, well it just was.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me..."
I didn't tell him, or anyone else, when the doctor called me and the pregnancy test was positive. My mind had gone blank. I wanted to tell Heero but now I realized that I had to leave this time and never come back. I had a baby to care for now and I could not bring a child into that sort of environment. It would grow up the same way I did and I would do everything I could to make sure that that child was not as fucked up as I was in the end. Despite the fact that I never stopped loving him.
"I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along."
I dreamed of him every night and I never got decent nights sleep because of it. I wished that I could make myself stop loving him but it was useless, he still had all of me and he always would. But that didn't mean I would ever let him know it. He trashed on my dreams, my religion and me constantly while I was with him without ever realizing it. I longed to be able to soul search with him, just to talk for hours and hours about nothing, but we were incapable of that sort of conversation. Although I had loved his personality too, but our relationship had been almost entirely physical. It had been time to leave and start anew.
All these years I had longed for a chance to tell him, and now that he was here right in front of me I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to try and take my baby away from me. I wanted to give him the chance to be a father but I didn't know if I could. I wasn't strong enough for this.
Part Two: Memories
SongFic: My Immortal by Evanescence
******
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears..."
It was time to leave him and I knew it was. I wondered why I could not bring myself to go. Love was a dangerous thing. I beat myself up every day trying to bring myself to leave him but I just couldn't do it. Now I had to. I was pregnant with his child and I had to go. There was nothing I could do. And I refused to give up my child.I wanted to be a mother more then anything in the entire world. But he wasn't ready to be a father, not the kind of father I wanted for my children at least.
It didn't matter anymore, I couldn't stay and pretend everything was fine. He brought me down all the time and I cried so many tears hoping things would get better because I loved him and he loved me. But no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much I wanted too, I could not afford wear that mask anymore. I could not allow myself do stay here, because I was not just thinking for myself anymore. I was going to have a child who would depend on me entirely.
"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave,
But your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...
We had been fighting again, and things had gotten completely out of control this time. After he had walked out the door and had not been back home in two days. If I allowed myself to stay until he returned, I would be drawn back into the same tormenting situation all over again. I needed to leave before he got back, before I got cold feet. If he found out that I was leaving he would have found some way to coax me into coming back, or staying with him. I would not have been able to refuse him. I would do anything for him.
I also knew that he wasn't trying to be an asshole, and that he loved me the best that he could, but love was not enough to stop us from fighting. He said he would never hit me or hurt me intentionally but his temper scared me, and I was afraid that one day he would loose control and do something he would regret. I had been beaten before, and I would not wait for it to happen again. I no longer believed in perfect love, it simply did not exist. The childish version of true love existed only in fairy tales, a fable made to keep kids happy and give them pathetic hope when they grew up.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase"
Heero took me for granted, and he would leave me alone while he went out and had fun. When I'd go out with my friends he'd get jealous. But I couldn't have my friends at our house, he hated them and treated them badly, and I was ashamed of that. I had a lot of guy friends too, but he didn't like it when I hung out with other guys, so when I did get the chance to go out I never told him exactly who it was I went with. All he knew was where I went and that I got home safely and was there in time to make love to him before we went to sleep for work the next morning.
When he was sick I always made sure that he had everything he needed, but he never seemed to be able to do the same for me when I needed him. Time after time I had put my future on hold so that he would be happy. I always stood up for him even when he didn't deserve my praise. I was hopelessly and desperately in love with him, it wasn't all just lust. And even if it was what parents termed 'puppy love,' it was just as real as any other love in the world and it was gonna hurt just as bad to loose him. But this time I was going to do what I should have done years ago.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me..."
He had wanted more then I was able to give him. I had been raped, abused, and beaten in the past. I had been put down throughout my entire life. I had insecurity issues and problems speaking up for myself because I had been taught to mistrust myself throughout my childhood. I had grown up in an environment that had told me I would never be good enough for my parents. I had been rejected by my peers and looked down upon and ridiculed to no end on every level.
I had tried to make him understand what I was going through, but because of what I had been through I always felt like he was laughing at me. I always ended up giving up in frustration feeling flustered and like a complete fool, like perhaps it was just all in my head and that things were fine. He didn't realize how horrible he was treating me; he never seemed to realize how fragile my mind really was. I wasn't that strong, I only pretended to be.
"You used to captivate me
By you're resonating light
But now I'm bound by the light you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me..."
He had been wonderful, and hell, the sex was amazing. I could feel how much he cared every time he touched me, it was a spiritual connection we made when we became one, not just a physical one. He didn't always have the best ways of showing he cared but I never doubted he did. It was pure magick when we made love and that was probably the only reason I had stayed with him as long as I had. I tried to leave so many times but then he would touch me and I would be lost again. But every time it was over I would feel like a whore, a thief, and a liar. My body betrayed me over and over again. I needed him close to me, holding me protectively in the crook of his arms.
When he moved I would feel bereft, alone. I was so insecure that I thought that he might have been cheating on me. I worried all the time about what he would do when I wasn't there. I could not help it. What was I supposed to expect of a man, after all every other man I had ever let get close to me had hurt me. He never told me where he had been or what he had been doing and I could not help but wonder if perhaps I was being taken for a fool.
"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase"
After I had left a man who had raped me emotionally and physically I found Heero. He was everything that I had ever wanted, and everything that I needed. For two months it was perfect, then the fights began. I would hold him and tell him I loved him while we made love, then I would cry feeling violated. I felt like I was trapped because my body betrayed me, but it was worse because I truly loved Heero and he truly loved me. It wasn't just some weak obsession; it was the real thing. When we weren't fighting for some stupid fucked up reason everything was great. The rest of the time, well it just was.
"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me..."
I didn't tell him, or anyone else, when the doctor called me and the pregnancy test was positive. My mind had gone blank. I wanted to tell Heero but now I realized that I had to leave this time and never come back. I had a baby to care for now and I could not bring a child into that sort of environment. It would grow up the same way I did and I would do everything I could to make sure that that child was not as fucked up as I was in the end. Despite the fact that I never stopped loving him.
"I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along."
I dreamed of him every night and I never got decent nights sleep because of it. I wished that I could make myself stop loving him but it was useless, he still had all of me and he always would. But that didn't mean I would ever let him know it. He trashed on my dreams, my religion and me constantly while I was with him without ever realizing it. I longed to be able to soul search with him, just to talk for hours and hours about nothing, but we were incapable of that sort of conversation. Although I had loved his personality too, but our relationship had been almost entirely physical. It had been time to leave and start anew.
All these years I had longed for a chance to tell him, and now that he was here right in front of me I didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to try and take my baby away from me. I wanted to give him the chance to be a father but I didn't know if I could. I wasn't strong enough for this.