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Part Six: Might as well be raining
SongFic: My December by Linkin Park
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******
"This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone..."
By the time I had gotten to work the next morning, Quatre had already opened up the store and was standing behind the cash register ringing up a customer's goods. The store was busy already but we were used to it by now. I lay my sleeping child in her playpen behind the herbal supplies counter and settles myself there. While it was busy I had no problems keeping my mind off of the previous days events but as the mid-afternoon lull approached I found myself swallowed up in the recollection of all that I had lost, despite what I had gained. It all looked like so little when I held it up to how things were while it had been good between us.
I felt hollow inside, as if my soul had been ripped out from my body that now slowly decayed as I lived on despite what I had been through. So many times I had yearned for nothing more then death. But all I had been allowed was life. The only things that kept me going were my store and my daughter. I had given up on love, it had betrayed me time and time again and I no longer believed that it existed.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that..."
What was love anyway? The only love I had ever known had infected my being like a virus and destroyed me as I decayed from within. It took me over until I had nothing left to fight back with. I never fully recovered each time I realized that that love was not real and that my life had been filled with lies. I never fully recovered from the disease called love that so many spent their lives foolishly searching for. I had scars deep in my soul that would never come free. Just because those scars were not visible to the naked eye did not mean that they did not exist.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you..."
My Infantile fantasies of ever finding a perfect love had withered away like flowers dying upon the vine. They were cruelly and uncaringly been ripped from me and I was forced to abandon them to the uncaring world of reality, A reality that I had spent my entire life trying to escape. Time and time again I had been forced to admit defeat and reality always came crashing back down around me.
It was like waking up from a nightmare and realizing that it was no nightmare after all. Living a half-life in an empty soulless shell. It was so cold in the darkness that I had created for myself, and so very, very alone. I wanted to be held and to be loved. I craved human touch and the only thing that gave me solace was that my daughter would look up to me and need my guidance for the years to come. I had hope, however tainted it was.
"And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to"
So lost was I that I did not hear my daughter crying as she woke up from her second nap that day. Quatre put his hand on my arm and I jumped, waking out of my trance. I smiled sheepishly at him and turned away to care for my daughter. I saw as he looked back over his shoulder at Trowa, one of my other friends who helped me run the store, as they conveyed a secret unspoken message to one another.
"This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need..."
"You haven't been yourself today, Amber. Something is bothering you and I know it." Quatre said softly.
"Absolutely nothing..."
"Don't deny it, Amber," Trowa interrupted, "and don't worry. We're not going to demand you to tell us what it is. We know better. Everyone has a right to their secrets. I just thought I'd ask if you needed anything. We're here for you, and we are worried. I can even get Midii to watch Morwen for the rest of the day for you. It will be no problem either. You know she loves the girl dearly."
"You could even go home for the remainder of the day if you want. You work yourself sick for this store and its starting to show. You look pale today too. We don't want anything to happen to you. Trowa and I can handle it by ourselves."
"Yes, we can. You should get some rest, woman. It won't do anybody any good if you work yourself to death." Trowa put on a puppy dog sad face and looked at me. "If you die who's gonna pay me?"
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that..."
I burst out laughing; I couldn't help myself. They always were able to cheer me up when I was down. They were my best friends over here, despite the fact that they were men. Despite my dislike for men they had always made the best friends. And Midii, Trowa's girlfriend was like a sister to me, second to none but Hilde. I felt my eyes begin to water. I definitely needed some space and time to myself. I suppressed the overwhelming urge to jump into Quatre's arms and hug him. I longed to be held so much. I craved human contact but I could not afford that kind of pain again.
It was tough keeping up that wall between me and everyone else around me but I had learned that that was more often then not the safest way to live. Nobody could hurt you when you didn't let them get that close. I had an appearance to keep up, in my own mind at least. Everyone else seemed to see strait through my mask.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I Take back all the things
I said to you..."
Quatre, Trowa, and Midii seemed to understand that I had been hurt and needed my space. They had never asked about my past. They always let me share what I wanted to and never pushed me for more. It was nice having people who understood when I needed my space, but they never allowed me too much space because they all seemed to realize that I would fall into a dark abyss of my own making if they did.
"Thanks Guys, I need the time alone right now. That would be wonderful if you could do that. But I won't leave the store early. Jade would be better off with Midii right now, too. I wonder if she'll keep her overnight too..."
"And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to..."
"I already called her while you were lost in deep space over there eating your lunch. She said she would be more then willing to take her off your hands." The bell on the door rang as Midii walked in. "Besides I already told her it was your idea."
The day went by more smoothly after that, Trowa and Quatre went out of their way to make me laugh every time they noticed that was falling back into my own thoughts. It was nice to have friends like them, but I was still cautious. One never knew who you could really trust, and who you could tell to much too. By the end of the day they had also convinced me that I was going to take the following day off and let them run the store together.
"This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear..."
After all the lights were off and everyone else was gone I turned off the lights and turned around and put my key in the door. I threw my small backpack purse over my shoulders and turned away to walk down the lamp lit streets of London to my apartment. I reveled in the beauty of the darkness and the crispness of the night despite the summer day. I loved this time of year. It was always so beautiful.
"And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to"
******
Part Six: Might as well be raining
SongFic: My December by Linkin Park
******
******
"This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone..."
By the time I had gotten to work the next morning, Quatre had already opened up the store and was standing behind the cash register ringing up a customer's goods. The store was busy already but we were used to it by now. I lay my sleeping child in her playpen behind the herbal supplies counter and settles myself there. While it was busy I had no problems keeping my mind off of the previous days events but as the mid-afternoon lull approached I found myself swallowed up in the recollection of all that I had lost, despite what I had gained. It all looked like so little when I held it up to how things were while it had been good between us.
I felt hollow inside, as if my soul had been ripped out from my body that now slowly decayed as I lived on despite what I had been through. So many times I had yearned for nothing more then death. But all I had been allowed was life. The only things that kept me going were my store and my daughter. I had given up on love, it had betrayed me time and time again and I no longer believed that it existed.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that..."
What was love anyway? The only love I had ever known had infected my being like a virus and destroyed me as I decayed from within. It took me over until I had nothing left to fight back with. I never fully recovered each time I realized that that love was not real and that my life had been filled with lies. I never fully recovered from the disease called love that so many spent their lives foolishly searching for. I had scars deep in my soul that would never come free. Just because those scars were not visible to the naked eye did not mean that they did not exist.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you..."
My Infantile fantasies of ever finding a perfect love had withered away like flowers dying upon the vine. They were cruelly and uncaringly been ripped from me and I was forced to abandon them to the uncaring world of reality, A reality that I had spent my entire life trying to escape. Time and time again I had been forced to admit defeat and reality always came crashing back down around me.
It was like waking up from a nightmare and realizing that it was no nightmare after all. Living a half-life in an empty soulless shell. It was so cold in the darkness that I had created for myself, and so very, very alone. I wanted to be held and to be loved. I craved human touch and the only thing that gave me solace was that my daughter would look up to me and need my guidance for the years to come. I had hope, however tainted it was.
"And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to"
So lost was I that I did not hear my daughter crying as she woke up from her second nap that day. Quatre put his hand on my arm and I jumped, waking out of my trance. I smiled sheepishly at him and turned away to care for my daughter. I saw as he looked back over his shoulder at Trowa, one of my other friends who helped me run the store, as they conveyed a secret unspoken message to one another.
"This is my December
These are my snow covered dreams
This is me pretending
This is all I need..."
"You haven't been yourself today, Amber. Something is bothering you and I know it." Quatre said softly.
"Absolutely nothing..."
"Don't deny it, Amber," Trowa interrupted, "and don't worry. We're not going to demand you to tell us what it is. We know better. Everyone has a right to their secrets. I just thought I'd ask if you needed anything. We're here for you, and we are worried. I can even get Midii to watch Morwen for the rest of the day for you. It will be no problem either. You know she loves the girl dearly."
"You could even go home for the remainder of the day if you want. You work yourself sick for this store and its starting to show. You look pale today too. We don't want anything to happen to you. Trowa and I can handle it by ourselves."
"Yes, we can. You should get some rest, woman. It won't do anybody any good if you work yourself to death." Trowa put on a puppy dog sad face and looked at me. "If you die who's gonna pay me?"
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that..."
I burst out laughing; I couldn't help myself. They always were able to cheer me up when I was down. They were my best friends over here, despite the fact that they were men. Despite my dislike for men they had always made the best friends. And Midii, Trowa's girlfriend was like a sister to me, second to none but Hilde. I felt my eyes begin to water. I definitely needed some space and time to myself. I suppressed the overwhelming urge to jump into Quatre's arms and hug him. I longed to be held so much. I craved human contact but I could not afford that kind of pain again.
It was tough keeping up that wall between me and everyone else around me but I had learned that that was more often then not the safest way to live. Nobody could hurt you when you didn't let them get that close. I had an appearance to keep up, in my own mind at least. Everyone else seemed to see strait through my mask.
"And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I Take back all the things
I said to you..."
Quatre, Trowa, and Midii seemed to understand that I had been hurt and needed my space. They had never asked about my past. They always let me share what I wanted to and never pushed me for more. It was nice having people who understood when I needed my space, but they never allowed me too much space because they all seemed to realize that I would fall into a dark abyss of my own making if they did.
"Thanks Guys, I need the time alone right now. That would be wonderful if you could do that. But I won't leave the store early. Jade would be better off with Midii right now, too. I wonder if she'll keep her overnight too..."
"And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to..."
"I already called her while you were lost in deep space over there eating your lunch. She said she would be more then willing to take her off your hands." The bell on the door rang as Midii walked in. "Besides I already told her it was your idea."
The day went by more smoothly after that, Trowa and Quatre went out of their way to make me laugh every time they noticed that was falling back into my own thoughts. It was nice to have friends like them, but I was still cautious. One never knew who you could really trust, and who you could tell to much too. By the end of the day they had also convinced me that I was going to take the following day off and let them run the store together.
"This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear..."
After all the lights were off and everyone else was gone I turned off the lights and turned around and put my key in the door. I threw my small backpack purse over my shoulders and turned away to walk down the lamp lit streets of London to my apartment. I reveled in the beauty of the darkness and the crispness of the night despite the summer day. I loved this time of year. It was always so beautiful.
"And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to"
******