Notes From Meiling: The Wife or The Whore, is the name and that's the game.
Dear Diary,
I can tell Tyler was upset about that kiss I gave Eriol, but it wasn't that big or deal. Was it? Maybe it looked bigger then it felt, I mean kissing Eriol is no big deal, is it? I would have kissed Tomoyo if see had saved Syaoran… I don't know what wrong with me, I think, honestly that I'm gaining a slight crush on him. (Eriol I mean)
It probably cause we kissed, it'll be gone by the end of the week and I'm really good at covering it up so Eriol won't even notice. Just act normally, no one will see, if my mother did she'll freak to high hell; she doesn't believe love is important.
But I'm not in love with anyone, as I sad; I will never let any man have me fully. Tyler is probably the man who will ever have me. Body and soul, though I wish he wouldn't, I never wanted to marry after what happened to Syaoran. And if I were ever to marry, I'd want it for love.
I was talked to Tomoyo about what she thought about love, she told me that she thought it was the most important thing in the world. I do too, I've always wanted to be loved by someone but I know that will never happen. I'll marry Tyler give him sons and then he'll probably, knowing my luck, get divorced. By the time he's done with me, I'll be an old woman who has just been tossed around.
Tomoyo says that Tyler sounds to nice to do something like that. Then I found myself asking about marriage and family life.
"I hope you don't mind my asking but, how did your parents meet?" I asked, I know Tomoyo doesn't like to talk about her dad but she didn't like to keep things hidden.
She told that they met when her mother was doing something in New York and her father was washing the windows. When one day, he fell onto her balcony. Tomoyo sad that they married soon after and had her. Tomoyo went on to say that when she was six, her dad left her mother and then was sent to prison for murder.
Then Tomoyo cried, and said "And till this day, I'm so ashamed of him and I wish I wasn't part of him".
I hugged her and said, "At least you have a kind and loving mother who loves you, feeds you and who will do anything to protect you. I have none of that", when I realized I said that I knew that once again I was going to tell someone about my child abuse.
"At home, my mother and father have always hated me and they would yell at me, push me, hit me, beat me and use me as a doll for there wants and family ambitions" I told her. Tomoyo stopped crying, never I believe in her life did she think one of her friends would be a victim of child abuse? "They never hurt Meiquing though".
"Who's Meiquing?" Tomoyo asked,
"My little sister" I told her. I don't remember telling her I had any siblings.
"You have a little sister? I always thought you where an only child" Tomoyo said, her crying had come to a halt.
I just told her more about Meiquing and my mother and then I asked if we could change the subject. I bet she was wondering why neither Syaoran nor I said anything. I've made Syaoran promise not to tell anyone, but Syaoran doesn't know that she once or rather a few times hit him too. But it was always a blow to the head so he'd forget.
I bet I've been hit many more times then I can remember, my mother's really a hard blower. I guess I got my physical strength from her.
Maybe she was wondering how someone like me, a strong fighter, would stand for a mother like her. Some people wonder why I don't fight back but, if your mother were just as good at fighting as you, you wouldn't talk her. If you say yes, you really don't know my mother. She will hit you so hard if you try and hit her.
Tomoyo's father maybe in prison, I bet he loves Tomoyo. But neither of my parents likes me, but I'm not sure if I hate them. You may think you hate your mother or father but you don't really, in side you love them.
"Your little sister sounds rather nice, but you don't get to see her a lot right?" Tomoyo asked,
"Yeah, I guess she thinks I'm a stranger" I said,
"How can you stand for your mother? Why didn't you cry when you told me? I cried over my father's shame" Tomoyo asked her patting my sholder.
"When it comes to my mama, I don't know how to cry, when I'm hurt by her," I told her. Tomoyo was horrified by what I showed her, a huge brews on my back. It had been there for years, it wasn't as much a brews as it was a scar.
"Oh for God's sake you have to tell the N.S.P.C.C (National Society to the Protection to the Cruelty of Children)" Tomoyo said rubbing it, when she touched it, it made me jolt.
"No please, if I tell them something back will happen. You are not to tell anyone," I remember crying and begging her to keep this to herself. Tomoyo reluctantly said yes and walked off to talk with Rika. I trust that no one will know.
I decided to go on a walk myself. I passed by Sakura, she's back since Syaoran's woken up and walking around.
Syaoran, as only just realized that my mother is looking after us. I can see his fear.
As I kept walking, Eriol came up behind me and turned around. He smiled.
"I'm sorry about that kiss," I said with a blush, but I can cause it not to show.
"Oh no, I don't mind. We are friends again right?" Eriol asked giving me a smile.
"Yes, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for what you did for Syaoran"
"Yes, I've been thinking a lot about what happened and… well I have… something I have to tell you" Eriol said with a smile. I nodded and asked what was it. He held breath in and said 'I' but then Sakura and Tomoyo came up to us.
"Eriol, Sakura told me everything you did and I just want you to know that, we are great full", Tomoyo said with a float in her voice.
Mind you, she always walks around like she's high on sugar half the time. I do too!
"Oh yeah thank you Tomoyo and Sakura, your really nice to say that and I'm really great full" Eriol said quickly.
"So what's up?" I asked with a smile, I think.
"Haven't you heard, there's a dance coming up and you've got to get a date", Tomoyo said with a beam. Eriol nodded with not a sound of excitement.
"So I guess you and Syaoran will be going together right Sakura?" I asked her. Sakura nodded and blushed but then she looked to Eriol.
"He will be okay by the dance right?" she asked, "It's next week on Friday"
Eriol nodded kindly, "He'll be back to his… kicking self, it's almost sure". I nodded and Sakura's face begun to glow with happiness.
"I guess Yamazaki and Chiharu, Rika and Tereda, Naoko saying home with a book?" Eriol asked with a smile. Then Eriol looked back to me and smiled, "And I bet you will be with Tyler, right?" I really didn't want to go but when Tyler hears about this I bet I'll end up with him.
Eriol then turned to Tomoyo, "Are you staying home?"
"If no one asks me" Tomoyo said, looking to everyone with a flatter of the eyes. Eriol nodded.
"Well thank you for telling us Tomoyo and Sakura" Eriol said, "But I want to talk to Meiling," he said patting my sholder.
I nodded, and walked away with him to the front of the school near the statue. "What is it Eriol?" I asked him. Eriol adjusted his glasses and a gulped in air.
"It's something I have to tell you… It's about…" Eriol begun,
"Mei-Chan!" I turned around to see Tyler was there. He came up to us a looked at Eriol with a worried face and then at me with a smile. "Mei dear, Syaoran he's up and walking a lot now. He ate his favourite food and the doctor is amazed at his recovery, he says he'll be strong enough to go back to school Wednesday next week"
I smiled, "Great then he'll be able to come to the dance with Sakura". Tyler nodded and then looked at Eriol with his black eyes, "And Eriol… I am sorry about what I said and, I'm sorry".
Eriol made a slow nod and all I could do is smile. I was glad that Tyler didn't seem to be badmouthing Eriol.
"Well I'll see you in class" Eriol said with a sadden voice.
"Okay Eriol, I'll see you in class" I replied, I felt really sorry for him. "But what about what you wanted to tell me?" I asked.
Eriol turned back, "Hay, don't worry I'll tell you next time I see you" and then he ran off leaving me with Tyler.
I looked to Tyler to see anger in his eyes, how did I know that this would end in tears. "What's the deal with that looser?" Tyler asked. It wasn't like Tyler to insult people like that.
"Oh Tyler, Eriol is a really nice kid and I like him. He's a good friend," I told Tyler picking up my bag.
"Oh I get it, you love him and your going to dump me so you can run off to Europe with that British Chippie and then my family will have to look for someone for me" Tyler said quickly then he grabbed me and forced me to sit down. "Now you listen Missy, you and I will go to this dance and we will make no contact with him at all".
I was furious Tyler couldn't order me around. He's not my mother, he's just Tyler and I have not an intention to do as he tells me. He can pound dirt.
"Tyler, I will do what ever the hell I want and your not going to stop me! I'm your fiancée," I reminded him. Tyler's face came over red with furry and he slapped both hands on my shoulders and shocks me really hard. I still feel dizzy.
"You are MY Fiancée! And as my wife to be you will obey me!" Tyler yelled in my face. I forced myself up so he lost grip on me. I stormed off to class but behind me I heard Tyler say to me, "No matter was you go, no matter what you'll do, your mother and I will find you"
These words have stuck in my head; it made me feel like a trapped bird. I can't fly I'm grounded.
I guess Tyler is just mad at me because I had kissed Eriol. I don't know why but, if I was still with Syaoran and he had kissed someone else, I'd be upset.
But still, when I'm married to him, I've just realized that I won't be a free bird but a locked up one. They're to produce children and obey Tyler. Honour him with body and soul, how can I make such vows when I know I may not keep them.
When I got into class no one would speck with me because I fear they may have seen us. They were talking behind my back, what if Tomoyo couldn't keep her mouth shut. They might know that hyper Meiling Li is really beaten to death by her mother and father and that her little sister is mean to me too.
If they knew both, they all see me as white trash; she's the unwanted one. Only Eriol smiled at me, and that was once. Eriol must feel insulted by Tyler. Mind you I think Tyler feels insulted by Eriol.
But I don't care what Tyler thinks of Eriol or what Eriol thinks of Tyler. Any man, I feel, can pound dirt where her I love them or hate them I'm worth not a piece of tin foil.
When I got home I saw Syaoran sitting in the seat in front of the window, asleep. I felt his forehead and it was rather high, I had to admit I was a little worried. Syaoran had never been this sick since Tora's death.
As I watched him sleep, I can't help but think that he's still the one I love. But I can't hate him and Sakura, I really love to see them together and it makes me feel happy. But though this makes me happy, I want someone to love me, and I need some to love too.
I have lots of love and it's going to waste on Tyler. Syaoran was great full when he was mine, but Tyler just sees me as a woman who can be his personal baby producer. After the way he talks to me right now.
Suddenly as I watched Syaoran store he was shaking and tossing his head about.
Syaoran looked like he was drowning, he must be dreaming about Tora's death. I watched him struggle and kick this made me back away. Then Sakura came in.
"Meiling? What wrong with him?" Sakura cried through running up to him. "Is he dreaming?"
"He's dreaming about a time that he almost died, it happens all the time when Syaoran's ill. He dreams of them who are dead" I told her. Sakura started to panic, and she was going to cry. "Sakura don't cry! He will wake up when that part of his life has passed. He should be safe soon," I told her. Sakura, looked at me.
"He's still shacking, is he cold?" Sakura asked feeling his shaking hand. Sakura put her hand on his forehead, "He's freezing!" she exclaimed. I didn't understand.
"How can that be? I just felt his forehead, he was hot" I told her. Sakura's green eyes looked like stained glass, she looked at me with horror in her eyes.
"Should we wake him up?" Sakura asked me. Before I could answer, Syaoran started specking in his dream.
"………*Cough*……… *Cough*……… father? Is that… you?" Syaoran said. At father, Sakura and I froze Syaoran suddenly stopped kicking and were still for a while.
With Syaoran like this, I wish his mother was here or Wei. They cared enough to believe that him having these dreams ment something.
"Meiling, w…what's wrong with him?" Sakura said with fear. I looked and he seemed to be vibrating. Not shaking but vibrating, my heart felt like there was a freezing stone in it. I was so scared; these dreams were doing something to his mind.
I knew what was wrong. He was having a fit. "He's having a fit", I told Sakura. She looked at me and almost screamed out with pain. She had to calm down, it happened a lot when Syaoran was ill.
"Keep quiet, this happens all the time before he wakes up" I said putting my hand over Sakura's mouth. Sakura nodded and we waited.
Finally, Syaoran's eyes shoot open and he seemed to gasp for air. Sakura smiled and laid her head on his chest, she looked up to meet his eyes and she kissed him tight on his lips.
"Sakura? Meiling? I was dreaming again, this time I saw father and I saw Tora. I was drowning" Syaoran said. Sakura was still all over him. Syaoran looked at me and smiled, "I'm okay now, I think I might need a lie down in bed". I nodded and Sakura helped him up and I went into the kitchen to get him his favourite thing when he's sick.
Milk and honey, his father gave it to him when he was a baby. Since he was born early he needed to stay strong so he had to drink milk all the time but he never gained a pound. At birth he weighed what a bag of sugar weighs, maybe less. And when he was two he had a nasty cold, so his father gave him the milk and honey.
When I got into his room Sakura was sitting near the bed talking to him. I handed her the cup and left her to it.
I came straight here to my room and lay on my bed thinking about what had happened today. As I recalled it all, I've been writing it right now in you.
I find myself thinking about Eriol again and how he really wanted to tell me that thing. What if has something to do with Syaoran? Maybe, Eriol has a crush on Tomoyo and is going to ask me, nicely, to help him. Now I've got over the silly little girl thing.
But it still hurts to think of Eriol and me reading his diary. I still even feel bad about the whole reading his diary. Now I think about it, I was knocked out for a while after Harry and Ally attacked me, has he read my diary?
I guess it's only fair if so, but this is really personal, if he had read what I'm about to tell you or anything about what happened after he left me with Tyler. Anyone would take this to the police and use it as evidence and I'd be sent back to dad is hit on by him and his friends. Then after they read that, both Meiquing and I would go to a care home and Yelan wouldn't know what to do to get care on me.
When my mama came home Tyler had a talk to her and then, she called me to her. I walked slowly cause I knew in myself what was going to happen, but I can't forgive mama for what she did to us tonight. I was still writing in you so I carried you to see my mother, she wouldn't know you're a diary, surly?
"Who is this boy Tyler tells me about?" She asked me as I walked to her, shaking with fear. But I stood tall and hid it.
"My friend" I replied looking to the shiney wooden floor. She clipped me round the ears to gain my attention.
"He's more then that isn't he? Meiling you fool look at me NOW" mother screamed at me.
I looked my mother straight in the eyes with our matching red eyes. She used them on people to burn through their souls. But mine do the same. She could burn through me, not today. Remember, you can't burn fire.
"Eriol Hiiragizawa is my friend, he understands me cause no one else does" I told her. She looked at me with anger.
"You love him, you're his lover and you let him… you tell what I do, bad mouth me your mother", she screamed in my face, "You are planning to rid yourself of Tyler, then your family but that's not going to happen. You're my daughter, you will marry Tyler is it be the death of you. Why let yourself be a foolish boy's whore?" she told me. I was nothing, I was her Chinese doll that she tossed around. I looked at her, I'm sure with my greatest anger and told her.
"Eriol is my friend, no man nor Tyler himself have yet taken my virginity. I live by the Li Clan's law by my own life's risk. I believe that I am at my strength a pure woman. But any day mother dear… after the way Tyler spoke to me today, I would rather be Eriol's whore then Tyler's wife" I said this clearly. My mother's fists tightened and she punched me in my cheek.
"Auntie Jinling, leave her alone!" Syaoran cried, I looked up and saw Syaoran weakly stagger out of his room. Mother looked at him with the same face as me.
"Syaoran leave here now, or you will follow her" she said, my mother was at her illness craziness if she dared touch Syaoran, what would happen. I don't know.
But I don't know what came over me, I hit her, my mother and I cried, "If you touch Syaoran his mother has the right to remove you from our care!" I saw mother walk round the room looking tormented.
"Please, I feel ill and I don't know what I'm doing please will you go to sleep Meiling and Syaoran you shouldn't be up you ill, don't you want to get better" she asked. Then Tyler came through, "She's right, Syaoran should be in bed as for you Meiling, we should deal with this tomorrow, you need sleep too" Tyler told us. He with strength picked Syaoran up and carried him to his bed, mother colapst onto the sofa and I slowly staggred to my room, with you under my arm.
I'm to tiered to write on how I feel, but I know that I now have a large brews on my cheek, and that feels horrid,
Good night and farewell until tomorrow Meiling Li