Note from Meiling: Life or Death, I am in fear at this point with the world against me and Eriol and Tomoyo dating life is one big mess for me.
Note from The Card Witch: I was on the Computer last night talking to ERi21 (I.E ERi) and I hear from my cousin Sakura Willow that my secrets of this chapter was on the line. Thank you ERi for not giving completly into her, Sakura is hard to resist isn't she? All other reviewrs thank you for reviewing.
Note from Sakura Willow: SORRY ERI21, I was trying to get you to listen to me and know what was going to happen but, as I said, it'll make you cry, maybe.
TCW: Anyway, I let her add that to say sorry, now I give you more of your favourite diary since Anne Frank: The Secret Diary of Meiling Li, chapter 8?
Dear Diary,
I don't know why I'm even still here writing right now. I saw Tomoyo with Eriol on the way home and I felt like jumping in the river. Way do I feel like this, how could my feelings for Eriol change so much? How could Tomoyo chage on me? I swear people change their opinon on me more then I change my underwear!
Tomoyo the worst at the moment, I feel foolish just to think I could have even trusted her with my secret, silly me. As Eriol once said 'Silly Girl', but when you've known someone and asked for comfort from them you don't think they will backstab you trust to get a boy. If she was me and I was her and Eriol liked her, I don't think I would say things about her father and that jail he's in, it's a part of life we feel ashamed of and that's what I feel about my childabuse. I don't want to relate to it, it scars my life and it just won't go away.
Doesn't anyone know how lonely I feel with Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and especially my Eriol backing away and out of my life. I feel so empty without my sweet friends and without Eriol to sit, listen and understand me. I need that! The world all see me as the villien who recks everything, Cardcaptoring, Sakura and Syaoran and now they will soon be blaming me for trying to mess up Eriol and Tomoyo. Well they can stick it cause their wonderful Tomoyo isn't as nice as she seems and Eriol thinks not much of her! I remember once when we talked he would listen, I think he only wanted to talk about one person.
Kaho
I miss her too, she died. Kaho used to be our maths teacher but then she moved back to England and then came back when Eriol had stopped all those desurbences. I was their when one of them happened, with penguins flying at Sakura and Syaoran. I helped a big deal too though, I beat up a lot of the penguins as they tried to hit Sakura and I but when it came to Penguin Slide. I helped their too you know, I told Sakura which card to use. It was when Sakura said 'Freeze time' I was taken back to that time when we were skating and I remember being frozen.
Being frozen, it was like I had died at gone somewhere else. I was though, warm in that ice. I felt like sleeping but as Syaoran said, I couldn't fall asleep due to the fact that lots of kids can die from sleeping in the ice. It was cause I was cold, but after the card was caught it was much warmer.
Why have I started on this? Cause if my life will be a total mess, I've decided that if I loose Eriol and Tomoyo keeps acting cold, I don't want to go on with this thing of what you call a life. Mine is a mess with nothing to show for it but one thing, a broken heart.
In this time I've had the time to look at intresting thigs, like our star signs- Eriol and I are both Arise, Tomoyo's a Virgo, Syaoran is a Cancer and Sakura is too an Arise. Mother has many books in that box which she says I can read. But everyday she keeps saying to read more of Sophie's Story. And I have been doing, I decided to trust mother with her words, that I can learn from this book, she might be right. This book does make me think about myself a lot.
I red more and at the moment Sophie is going to school and the teacher has told everyone that a student as moved up in class (You know to the top class) and then your left with a cliffhanger. Sophie seems to be stong through all of this but I can tell anyone myself it is hard. Sophie hasn't got any friends like I had Sakura, Syaoran and Tomoyo.
I miss the old Tomoyo, the nice and sweet one who knew that rumors ment nothing. Now she seems to depend to the fibbing through. I know that Syaoran hasn't said anything cause he wasn't here went all this wgore rumors started. Sakura and Tomoyo wasn't there to hear hit. I know the facts of home abuse was Tomoyo cause she goes round, with my Eriol, and seeing me makes her whisper in his ear and point to me. But I know that Tomoyo couldn't and truly wasn't capable of starting a rumor that calls me a whore. No matter how bitchy she was. No matter how hot on Eriol she is, she would say that about me.
I miss her friendship and I greatly miss Eriol, I miss everyone, but I really really miss Tomoyo and Eriol the most. Tomoyo, I thought knew that our views are all important, she was the wise friend who once told me that you can be happy if the person you love is happy, why suddenly say things about me and tell it to Eriol who un-doubtly misses being on him own. He told me once, I believe that he was an only child, no brother's nor sisters. How lonely. He said that he had lived nealy six lives and only when the new master was found and trancformed all the cards would he age.
I'm sure anyone would agree that the way Tomoyo is acting is very unlike herself, being mean isn't what she's like. She acts half the time like she's high on sugar (Which I am like a lot of the time) but I can't help remember when I was younger now I'm thinking about sugar.
It was an outing to the Great Wall, I was with Syaoran, Fanny (Fanren), Feimei, Fuutie, Sheifa, Yoshi, Tora, Meiquing and we were being looked after by- Shiro (Zyiro) and of course Wei.
Uncle Ryuu was long since departed
I remember how Yoshi got high on sugar and went crazy! Fanny, Feimei, Fuutie, Sheifa and Tora's giggles, Meiquing crying for no reason and me trying to calm her down. Syaoran backing away into Wei and Shiro looking at him with a twinge of coldness, he was also looking at his Yoshi son and then at the quiet and fragile Syaoran, he looked at me coldly too.
I remember mother saying to her friend once, as I sat on her knee (I was about two).
She said that- 'Of every brother Li I have none is and cold as my brother Shiro Li, the oldest Li brother' but then she said, 'I am the Little Li Sister with older brothers, the yougest to bair her first child born in the seventies. But though I an crule, Shiro is cold none is warmer then our brother Ryuu, the true Li Clan leader, my sweet brother'.
Mother really loved Ryuu Li and couldn't cpe for while after his death, father said she was hopeless. She just hit me for lisening, it was also around this time she hit Syaoran.
Why does everyone I love want to go away from me. Eriol left me, Tomoyo left me as so did Sakura, Tora died, Yoshi died, Uncle Ryuu's dead too, Meiquing is miles away and Wei flew away. It's not fair. Still the way mother treats me now is with respect while other the year she showed me nothing but pain. Now it's Tomoyo acting crule... I wonder.
Love Meiling
Dear Diary,
The Dance is tonight and I am hoping that I won't have such a bad time, though I feel like jumping off a bridge anyway. Eriol and Tomoyo will be there together, I'm wondering what Tyler is going to do, my father is seeing to the rest of the wedding. Mother said that she has better things to do now.
With me and Tyler getting married, I still can't see it happening. I, even if I do marry Tyler, we won't have any children. I will never give Tyler my virginity, never will I do so.
Mother this morning when I came out of my room and my mother had stuff all over the place. Tyler was in his room. Mother was covered in dust, still looking through all her things. Books, paper, photos and clothes, mother saw me and smiled, it was like she was high on sugar.
"Meiling, look what else I found... Oh you are still reading that book aren't you?" mother asked me while looking through her things.
"Yes mother, I read everytime I come home from school or before I write in my diary" I said, mother nodded and then pulled out a chinese dress.
"Look. just look, it was my wedding dress" mother told me pressing it up against me. "I wonder what you would look like in it, why don't we find out?" mother said happily she stood up and grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room with her dress under her arm.
When we where in her room, she quickly layied out the dress and turned around to me, she un-did my blosse and slipped on the under top of the dress then she pulled the dress part over my head and then did up the buttons. Before she thought to put the thing that makes you look thin and skinny she looked at me with the silky red fabric lose dress and the golden lace of the top part.
"It looks nice trust like that, if I just get the shoes, you'll look great" mother said with a smile, before she walked out and I called out to her.
"Mother, why are you dressing me up. In your wedding dress?" I asked her, mother walked out the room and came back with red shoes with fake louts on them. She slipped them on my feet and said.
"Because I want you to look nice for this dance, red is the colour of confidence and Syaoran said you wanted to go to the dance to show everyone the rumors about you, when I was your age, I was pregnant with you and people talk about me all the time. But you are faceing the tonight and it will end up fore filling yourself" mother said smiling to me and she then turned my round and sat me at the dresser she has. She picked up her brush and ran it through my hair.
Mother had never done anything like this before, I was shooked when she gave that book. Now she's treating me like a proper mother treats her daughter. When she had brushed my ponytail out and my hair was shining she grabbed some white powder and then she grabbed the red lipstick and ran it on my lips.
"Done" mother signed, "When does the dance start?" she asked me.
I looked at her and said "Not till 8:00 pm, what should I do till then?"
"I want you to read more of your book, I want you to leave 5 minutes after that Sakura girl and dear Syaoran leave" mother told me. I agreed, it was like talking to the bible and someone telling what's for the best and what I should do.
I did so come to the room and read more of that book, Sophie's new class mate, his name is Camaron and he asked to talk to her. Sophie asked him what he wanted and he said that he saw marks on her arms which hadn't been made by herself or falling. Sophie is scared by this person and she won't talk to him about what is happening to her with he husband to be. Zoe has ran away from home and in the running, you would never guess who she bumped into. Camaron and now Zoe is with him, while Sophie is looking for Zoe. Finally your left with Sophie finding Zoe and Camaron walking in on them.
I don't the book yet, on really understand where it is going but I'm sure I will learn from this book.
I'm not sure if I will feel the end, if I am left in this world with just Tyler I don't thing life is worth it's time.
Syaoran's just come in now. I'm getting my bag ready, you can come with me to the dance. If it does come to the end of my life tonight, I wish to write my suicide note in you. People will have no reason to not read you when I am gone. I might not go now, but I feel I should carry you where ever I go now.
You will come to the dance with me.
Syaoran's calling me, Sakura's there too I hope she won't think me a bitch.
Love Meiling Li
(Note From The Card Witch: This page is torn rather and is quiet messed up, evidence shows that someone must have read this and paniced. Meiling's writing is quiet messy and not like her neat hand writing)
My Last Entry-
Dear Diary and to who ever reads this,
I write this letter as the reason that I am no longer in this world. I went to the dance with a spirit to win my friends back. Still all talked and whispered my name behind my back, Sakura and Syaoran avoided me, I told them to do so. I saw Eriol and Tomoyo together which really gripped me and hurt me inside. Tomoyo looked at me with spite, I really miss her kindness and fear that the last time I will ever feel it is when I am dead. Even then I'm not so sure, Eriol however, I go to my grave mising his understanding self. He was a good friend and I will be home sick for him, even in heaven.
I admit I have never been like the other's, knowing what I want to be when I'm grown up because I never was given a reason to plan. My parents did that for me. Meiquing, who I haven't seen in ages, I thought about her a lot as a big sister does. I'm glad mother gave me a chance to prove myself, but after years of abuse from both her and father- my organs are failing me and my blood is cloting. If I don't kill me, it will.
I want Syaoran, Sakura and Tomoyo that I love them and I will always care for them. Especially Syaoran. He has been a sweet and kind to me through out the years I have been in this world. I will always love you, not as a cousin but as the brother I never had.
Auntie Yelan, thank you for showing me the magic I do have, but I was never show how I could use it. If I had known, I would have done it more with my life then urgue with it.
Mother, I'm sorry I didn't hold out to read that book, I would have held out if what had happened hadn't happened to me. I am also sorry that the dress I die in is the dress you gave earlier.
I will not resight what Tyler has put me through tonight but, this was the thing that pushed me over the edge. I could also not bare to lose Eriol-Kun, I admit I will be homesick for him too.
Fianlly I would like to repent my sins, I died a virgin and I lived these fourteen years. I can't rememver the safest place I have ever been, but I hope that where ever I go. Someone will miss me.
I am sorry I have become so selfish to rid myself from your lives, but I am such a miner part of your lives, you won't even see I am gone.
But I beg to my own true friend Eriol and my sweet love and cousin Syaoran and his wife-to-be-one day Sakura, to never stop loving me.
Yours forever, Meiling Li, aged 14
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Dear Diary,
Eriol saved me from myself, I tried to kill myself as you do know. I went out to the penguen park and with a knife held it to my wrists. About to slash myself when Eriol came running towards me with you in his hand yelling, "Meiling please no"
I looked to him and he ran towards me and faced me. "Meiling please don't do this" he told me and letting out his hand he said- "Give me the pocket knife, and come home with me, I'll talk to you about this"
I shock me head and held the wrist to the knife and was about to plunge it when he cried, "MEILING STOP, LISTEN TO ME!"
I looked at him, I was shocked but I needed to here what he wanted to say he came up to me and came closer to me. Eriol pulled the knife away from my wrist and pressed his lips onto mine. He kissed me, I closed my eyes and took in all the kisses emotions.
Finally he pulled away from me and looked at me. "Listen to me my Mei-Chan" he told me. He embraced me in a final hug and told me something, I never would happen.
"Mei, you can't do this, so many people love you. Syaoran and Sakura love you, Tomoyo will morn for you. Your family will miss you" Eriol told me, I would take this, what I called calm her down and stop her from killing herself.
"Eriol, no one loves me. I have lived my life with love and each time it has been recked. Though the end of Syaoran and I let me create something beatiful, I lost a best friend of mine. Who I can't forget, talks about me behind my back now" I told him. Eriol shook his head and kissed me again.
"Mei you can keep going" he told me,
"Eriol!" I cried out loud, "I'd be long gone by now if you hadn't stopped me. Are you trying to keep me alive for my good or cause you feel sorry for me?"
Eriol looked at me, I had basicly told him to give me a good reason why I should end myself now. Give me a reason or stand off. Eriol took a huge breath in and seemed to blush over. My heart stopped, I dropped the knife on the floor.
"Meiling, you know I once said that their was someone" Eriol said slowly and as he held my arms I felt him shake. I didn't know what this someone was, their had been many someones. "... Someone, who loves you?" he finally said.
He did say that once, in the corridor when I told him about Tyler, I nodded slowly and Eriol seemed to tighten his grip on me.
"Well that someone is..." Eriol started and I stopped still, this person who was it I thought then finally someone was revelied-
"That someone is... me Meiling" Eriol said finally. I felt my heart get that hurting feeling and I suddenly didn't know what to say.
"What?" was all I could say. Eriol's eyes met mine again and said stightly-
"I love you, I have loved you since, I can't remember. I thought other girls were worth lots but showed me that if I was to have anyone. I'd want you.
I think the moment I fell in love with you, truely was when you were hurt by those boys. I had to save you, you were to good to get hurt like that. Meiling if I were Tyler, I'd be so happy that I would have you for the rest of my life. I am sorry about what has happened to you and I feel that if I had told you, you wouldn't have tried the act of pain. I am sorry Meiling, but if you kill yourself now I will kill myself too. Never not for Kaho or anyone like that, have I loved as much as I love you" Eriol told me.
In the end I had nothing to say, I do love Eriol, I told you so. I felt so shy and scared like he had told me he hated me. I suddenly had feelings running through my body and into my eyes, never did anyone say 'I love you' to me and mean it so deeply. It was like the words he said was a secret code feelings I didn't know I had.
Eriol looked at me and said, "You will always be the woman I love, and that is all I wanted to say. I will take the knife and I want you to go home and calm down. Will you go alone or will I take you home?" he asked.
"It's out of your way, I'll go myself Eriol" I think I said, I can't really remember. Eriol nodded and bent down to pick up the knife he put it back in it case he bent down and kissed my hand. He turned around and walked away.
I think I watched him go and sat on the swings, thinking all about what someone had just told me. Suddenly Sakura and Syaoran walked passed me, they saw me and Sakura came up to me.
"Meiling what's wrong?" Sakura asked me,
I looked at her and Syaoran, they must have just left the dance. I looked to them and said, "I tried to kill myself"
Sakura and Syaoran gasped and said, "OH GOD! Meiling why?"
I told them what I did know, "I don't know, I guess I felt sad and lonely. But the fact I tried to kill myself isn't what's on my mind"
Syaoran sat on the swing next to me and Sakura knelt in front of me. "Why are you down Meiling?" Syaoran asked me stroking my arm.
"Eriol, came to stop me and he told me that he... that he loved me" I told them. Syaoran blinked and Sakura smiled.
"Mei, I know what you feel when Syaoran said he loved me I couldn't look at him without blushing and getting a beautiful feeling. I thought about my feelings and I realised I was in love with Syaoran too" Sakura said, she and Syaoran smiled at each other and then at me.
"Come on, let's go home, have a bath and have a snack I vote hot chocolate" Syaoran said standing up with Sakura holding one arm.
"And pancakes, come on Meiling just the two of us and we can talk all about what's on your mind and help you over come them" Sakura said, Syaoran nodded and gave me the other arm. I felt more at home with these two, I couldn't wait to talk to them about anything. Sakura and Syaoran are a lot of fun to be with.
I spent the rest of my night with Sakura and Syaoran, all of us in our pyjamas and night gowns. We all had a bath, Sakura and Syaoran let me go first since I had had a ruff night. Sakura had lit candles and aromors of flowers and cherry blossom petals with bath salts plus bubble bath. (She read that both Arise and Geminis need to relax in a nice bubble bath to calm down). Then Sakura went and Syaoran went last.
After that we had a hot chocolate each and pancakes, but Syaoran also gave my my favourite- PEACH BUNS! YUMMY!
They both listened to me and gave me reasons why I was wrong about this sort of thing, then we all talked about the times we had fun and memories.
I wonder, would it had been better if I had killed myself? I guess not, Sakura and Syaoran gave me a really nice girl's night in. Syaoran has to hang out at these a lot of the time, he might like hanging around with us, I guess he's happy when it's just Sakura, with Sakura he says it's romantic. But with me and Sakura it's fun. I'm glade I am still hear, Sakura and Syaoran really cheered me up. But I think the reason I am here to feel better is cause of Eriol, my dear Eriol.
He said he loved me, I don't know what to think. I hope I figer this out soon, I have so many people I need to sort out. Including Tomoyo.
Forever here and yours,
Meiling Li
P.S I don't know what to say or do. Eriol is suck in my head. I have lot's to sort out, but this is also a reason why I have to keep living. I will finsh that book mother talked about, I will finsh all the quests I was going to leave open.
But with this thing with Eriol, the next thing in my head- Is Tyler and our wedding. Father would go crazy. I don't know how I'll get round that. I think Tomoyo should be case one on my to do list.
Note from The Card Witch: I was on the Computer last night talking to ERi21 (I.E ERi) and I hear from my cousin Sakura Willow that my secrets of this chapter was on the line. Thank you ERi for not giving completly into her, Sakura is hard to resist isn't she? All other reviewrs thank you for reviewing.
Note from Sakura Willow: SORRY ERI21, I was trying to get you to listen to me and know what was going to happen but, as I said, it'll make you cry, maybe.
TCW: Anyway, I let her add that to say sorry, now I give you more of your favourite diary since Anne Frank: The Secret Diary of Meiling Li, chapter 8?
Dear Diary,
I don't know why I'm even still here writing right now. I saw Tomoyo with Eriol on the way home and I felt like jumping in the river. Way do I feel like this, how could my feelings for Eriol change so much? How could Tomoyo chage on me? I swear people change their opinon on me more then I change my underwear!
Tomoyo the worst at the moment, I feel foolish just to think I could have even trusted her with my secret, silly me. As Eriol once said 'Silly Girl', but when you've known someone and asked for comfort from them you don't think they will backstab you trust to get a boy. If she was me and I was her and Eriol liked her, I don't think I would say things about her father and that jail he's in, it's a part of life we feel ashamed of and that's what I feel about my childabuse. I don't want to relate to it, it scars my life and it just won't go away.
Doesn't anyone know how lonely I feel with Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and especially my Eriol backing away and out of my life. I feel so empty without my sweet friends and without Eriol to sit, listen and understand me. I need that! The world all see me as the villien who recks everything, Cardcaptoring, Sakura and Syaoran and now they will soon be blaming me for trying to mess up Eriol and Tomoyo. Well they can stick it cause their wonderful Tomoyo isn't as nice as she seems and Eriol thinks not much of her! I remember once when we talked he would listen, I think he only wanted to talk about one person.
Kaho
I miss her too, she died. Kaho used to be our maths teacher but then she moved back to England and then came back when Eriol had stopped all those desurbences. I was their when one of them happened, with penguins flying at Sakura and Syaoran. I helped a big deal too though, I beat up a lot of the penguins as they tried to hit Sakura and I but when it came to Penguin Slide. I helped their too you know, I told Sakura which card to use. It was when Sakura said 'Freeze time' I was taken back to that time when we were skating and I remember being frozen.
Being frozen, it was like I had died at gone somewhere else. I was though, warm in that ice. I felt like sleeping but as Syaoran said, I couldn't fall asleep due to the fact that lots of kids can die from sleeping in the ice. It was cause I was cold, but after the card was caught it was much warmer.
Why have I started on this? Cause if my life will be a total mess, I've decided that if I loose Eriol and Tomoyo keeps acting cold, I don't want to go on with this thing of what you call a life. Mine is a mess with nothing to show for it but one thing, a broken heart.
In this time I've had the time to look at intresting thigs, like our star signs- Eriol and I are both Arise, Tomoyo's a Virgo, Syaoran is a Cancer and Sakura is too an Arise. Mother has many books in that box which she says I can read. But everyday she keeps saying to read more of Sophie's Story. And I have been doing, I decided to trust mother with her words, that I can learn from this book, she might be right. This book does make me think about myself a lot.
I red more and at the moment Sophie is going to school and the teacher has told everyone that a student as moved up in class (You know to the top class) and then your left with a cliffhanger. Sophie seems to be stong through all of this but I can tell anyone myself it is hard. Sophie hasn't got any friends like I had Sakura, Syaoran and Tomoyo.
I miss the old Tomoyo, the nice and sweet one who knew that rumors ment nothing. Now she seems to depend to the fibbing through. I know that Syaoran hasn't said anything cause he wasn't here went all this wgore rumors started. Sakura and Tomoyo wasn't there to hear hit. I know the facts of home abuse was Tomoyo cause she goes round, with my Eriol, and seeing me makes her whisper in his ear and point to me. But I know that Tomoyo couldn't and truly wasn't capable of starting a rumor that calls me a whore. No matter how bitchy she was. No matter how hot on Eriol she is, she would say that about me.
I miss her friendship and I greatly miss Eriol, I miss everyone, but I really really miss Tomoyo and Eriol the most. Tomoyo, I thought knew that our views are all important, she was the wise friend who once told me that you can be happy if the person you love is happy, why suddenly say things about me and tell it to Eriol who un-doubtly misses being on him own. He told me once, I believe that he was an only child, no brother's nor sisters. How lonely. He said that he had lived nealy six lives and only when the new master was found and trancformed all the cards would he age.
I'm sure anyone would agree that the way Tomoyo is acting is very unlike herself, being mean isn't what she's like. She acts half the time like she's high on sugar (Which I am like a lot of the time) but I can't help remember when I was younger now I'm thinking about sugar.
It was an outing to the Great Wall, I was with Syaoran, Fanny (Fanren), Feimei, Fuutie, Sheifa, Yoshi, Tora, Meiquing and we were being looked after by- Shiro (Zyiro) and of course Wei.
Uncle Ryuu was long since departed
I remember how Yoshi got high on sugar and went crazy! Fanny, Feimei, Fuutie, Sheifa and Tora's giggles, Meiquing crying for no reason and me trying to calm her down. Syaoran backing away into Wei and Shiro looking at him with a twinge of coldness, he was also looking at his Yoshi son and then at the quiet and fragile Syaoran, he looked at me coldly too.
I remember mother saying to her friend once, as I sat on her knee (I was about two).
She said that- 'Of every brother Li I have none is and cold as my brother Shiro Li, the oldest Li brother' but then she said, 'I am the Little Li Sister with older brothers, the yougest to bair her first child born in the seventies. But though I an crule, Shiro is cold none is warmer then our brother Ryuu, the true Li Clan leader, my sweet brother'.
Mother really loved Ryuu Li and couldn't cpe for while after his death, father said she was hopeless. She just hit me for lisening, it was also around this time she hit Syaoran.
Why does everyone I love want to go away from me. Eriol left me, Tomoyo left me as so did Sakura, Tora died, Yoshi died, Uncle Ryuu's dead too, Meiquing is miles away and Wei flew away. It's not fair. Still the way mother treats me now is with respect while other the year she showed me nothing but pain. Now it's Tomoyo acting crule... I wonder.
Love Meiling
Dear Diary,
The Dance is tonight and I am hoping that I won't have such a bad time, though I feel like jumping off a bridge anyway. Eriol and Tomoyo will be there together, I'm wondering what Tyler is going to do, my father is seeing to the rest of the wedding. Mother said that she has better things to do now.
With me and Tyler getting married, I still can't see it happening. I, even if I do marry Tyler, we won't have any children. I will never give Tyler my virginity, never will I do so.
Mother this morning when I came out of my room and my mother had stuff all over the place. Tyler was in his room. Mother was covered in dust, still looking through all her things. Books, paper, photos and clothes, mother saw me and smiled, it was like she was high on sugar.
"Meiling, look what else I found... Oh you are still reading that book aren't you?" mother asked me while looking through her things.
"Yes mother, I read everytime I come home from school or before I write in my diary" I said, mother nodded and then pulled out a chinese dress.
"Look. just look, it was my wedding dress" mother told me pressing it up against me. "I wonder what you would look like in it, why don't we find out?" mother said happily she stood up and grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room with her dress under her arm.
When we where in her room, she quickly layied out the dress and turned around to me, she un-did my blosse and slipped on the under top of the dress then she pulled the dress part over my head and then did up the buttons. Before she thought to put the thing that makes you look thin and skinny she looked at me with the silky red fabric lose dress and the golden lace of the top part.
"It looks nice trust like that, if I just get the shoes, you'll look great" mother said with a smile, before she walked out and I called out to her.
"Mother, why are you dressing me up. In your wedding dress?" I asked her, mother walked out the room and came back with red shoes with fake louts on them. She slipped them on my feet and said.
"Because I want you to look nice for this dance, red is the colour of confidence and Syaoran said you wanted to go to the dance to show everyone the rumors about you, when I was your age, I was pregnant with you and people talk about me all the time. But you are faceing the tonight and it will end up fore filling yourself" mother said smiling to me and she then turned my round and sat me at the dresser she has. She picked up her brush and ran it through my hair.
Mother had never done anything like this before, I was shooked when she gave that book. Now she's treating me like a proper mother treats her daughter. When she had brushed my ponytail out and my hair was shining she grabbed some white powder and then she grabbed the red lipstick and ran it on my lips.
"Done" mother signed, "When does the dance start?" she asked me.
I looked at her and said "Not till 8:00 pm, what should I do till then?"
"I want you to read more of your book, I want you to leave 5 minutes after that Sakura girl and dear Syaoran leave" mother told me. I agreed, it was like talking to the bible and someone telling what's for the best and what I should do.
I did so come to the room and read more of that book, Sophie's new class mate, his name is Camaron and he asked to talk to her. Sophie asked him what he wanted and he said that he saw marks on her arms which hadn't been made by herself or falling. Sophie is scared by this person and she won't talk to him about what is happening to her with he husband to be. Zoe has ran away from home and in the running, you would never guess who she bumped into. Camaron and now Zoe is with him, while Sophie is looking for Zoe. Finally your left with Sophie finding Zoe and Camaron walking in on them.
I don't the book yet, on really understand where it is going but I'm sure I will learn from this book.
I'm not sure if I will feel the end, if I am left in this world with just Tyler I don't thing life is worth it's time.
Syaoran's just come in now. I'm getting my bag ready, you can come with me to the dance. If it does come to the end of my life tonight, I wish to write my suicide note in you. People will have no reason to not read you when I am gone. I might not go now, but I feel I should carry you where ever I go now.
You will come to the dance with me.
Syaoran's calling me, Sakura's there too I hope she won't think me a bitch.
Love Meiling Li
(Note From The Card Witch: This page is torn rather and is quiet messed up, evidence shows that someone must have read this and paniced. Meiling's writing is quiet messy and not like her neat hand writing)
My Last Entry-
Dear Diary and to who ever reads this,
I write this letter as the reason that I am no longer in this world. I went to the dance with a spirit to win my friends back. Still all talked and whispered my name behind my back, Sakura and Syaoran avoided me, I told them to do so. I saw Eriol and Tomoyo together which really gripped me and hurt me inside. Tomoyo looked at me with spite, I really miss her kindness and fear that the last time I will ever feel it is when I am dead. Even then I'm not so sure, Eriol however, I go to my grave mising his understanding self. He was a good friend and I will be home sick for him, even in heaven.
I admit I have never been like the other's, knowing what I want to be when I'm grown up because I never was given a reason to plan. My parents did that for me. Meiquing, who I haven't seen in ages, I thought about her a lot as a big sister does. I'm glad mother gave me a chance to prove myself, but after years of abuse from both her and father- my organs are failing me and my blood is cloting. If I don't kill me, it will.
I want Syaoran, Sakura and Tomoyo that I love them and I will always care for them. Especially Syaoran. He has been a sweet and kind to me through out the years I have been in this world. I will always love you, not as a cousin but as the brother I never had.
Auntie Yelan, thank you for showing me the magic I do have, but I was never show how I could use it. If I had known, I would have done it more with my life then urgue with it.
Mother, I'm sorry I didn't hold out to read that book, I would have held out if what had happened hadn't happened to me. I am also sorry that the dress I die in is the dress you gave earlier.
I will not resight what Tyler has put me through tonight but, this was the thing that pushed me over the edge. I could also not bare to lose Eriol-Kun, I admit I will be homesick for him too.
Fianlly I would like to repent my sins, I died a virgin and I lived these fourteen years. I can't rememver the safest place I have ever been, but I hope that where ever I go. Someone will miss me.
I am sorry I have become so selfish to rid myself from your lives, but I am such a miner part of your lives, you won't even see I am gone.
But I beg to my own true friend Eriol and my sweet love and cousin Syaoran and his wife-to-be-one day Sakura, to never stop loving me.
Yours forever, Meiling Li, aged 14
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Dear Diary,
Eriol saved me from myself, I tried to kill myself as you do know. I went out to the penguen park and with a knife held it to my wrists. About to slash myself when Eriol came running towards me with you in his hand yelling, "Meiling please no"
I looked to him and he ran towards me and faced me. "Meiling please don't do this" he told me and letting out his hand he said- "Give me the pocket knife, and come home with me, I'll talk to you about this"
I shock me head and held the wrist to the knife and was about to plunge it when he cried, "MEILING STOP, LISTEN TO ME!"
I looked at him, I was shocked but I needed to here what he wanted to say he came up to me and came closer to me. Eriol pulled the knife away from my wrist and pressed his lips onto mine. He kissed me, I closed my eyes and took in all the kisses emotions.
Finally he pulled away from me and looked at me. "Listen to me my Mei-Chan" he told me. He embraced me in a final hug and told me something, I never would happen.
"Mei, you can't do this, so many people love you. Syaoran and Sakura love you, Tomoyo will morn for you. Your family will miss you" Eriol told me, I would take this, what I called calm her down and stop her from killing herself.
"Eriol, no one loves me. I have lived my life with love and each time it has been recked. Though the end of Syaoran and I let me create something beatiful, I lost a best friend of mine. Who I can't forget, talks about me behind my back now" I told him. Eriol shook his head and kissed me again.
"Mei you can keep going" he told me,
"Eriol!" I cried out loud, "I'd be long gone by now if you hadn't stopped me. Are you trying to keep me alive for my good or cause you feel sorry for me?"
Eriol looked at me, I had basicly told him to give me a good reason why I should end myself now. Give me a reason or stand off. Eriol took a huge breath in and seemed to blush over. My heart stopped, I dropped the knife on the floor.
"Meiling, you know I once said that their was someone" Eriol said slowly and as he held my arms I felt him shake. I didn't know what this someone was, their had been many someones. "... Someone, who loves you?" he finally said.
He did say that once, in the corridor when I told him about Tyler, I nodded slowly and Eriol seemed to tighten his grip on me.
"Well that someone is..." Eriol started and I stopped still, this person who was it I thought then finally someone was revelied-
"That someone is... me Meiling" Eriol said finally. I felt my heart get that hurting feeling and I suddenly didn't know what to say.
"What?" was all I could say. Eriol's eyes met mine again and said stightly-
"I love you, I have loved you since, I can't remember. I thought other girls were worth lots but showed me that if I was to have anyone. I'd want you.
I think the moment I fell in love with you, truely was when you were hurt by those boys. I had to save you, you were to good to get hurt like that. Meiling if I were Tyler, I'd be so happy that I would have you for the rest of my life. I am sorry about what has happened to you and I feel that if I had told you, you wouldn't have tried the act of pain. I am sorry Meiling, but if you kill yourself now I will kill myself too. Never not for Kaho or anyone like that, have I loved as much as I love you" Eriol told me.
In the end I had nothing to say, I do love Eriol, I told you so. I felt so shy and scared like he had told me he hated me. I suddenly had feelings running through my body and into my eyes, never did anyone say 'I love you' to me and mean it so deeply. It was like the words he said was a secret code feelings I didn't know I had.
Eriol looked at me and said, "You will always be the woman I love, and that is all I wanted to say. I will take the knife and I want you to go home and calm down. Will you go alone or will I take you home?" he asked.
"It's out of your way, I'll go myself Eriol" I think I said, I can't really remember. Eriol nodded and bent down to pick up the knife he put it back in it case he bent down and kissed my hand. He turned around and walked away.
I think I watched him go and sat on the swings, thinking all about what someone had just told me. Suddenly Sakura and Syaoran walked passed me, they saw me and Sakura came up to me.
"Meiling what's wrong?" Sakura asked me,
I looked at her and Syaoran, they must have just left the dance. I looked to them and said, "I tried to kill myself"
Sakura and Syaoran gasped and said, "OH GOD! Meiling why?"
I told them what I did know, "I don't know, I guess I felt sad and lonely. But the fact I tried to kill myself isn't what's on my mind"
Syaoran sat on the swing next to me and Sakura knelt in front of me. "Why are you down Meiling?" Syaoran asked me stroking my arm.
"Eriol, came to stop me and he told me that he... that he loved me" I told them. Syaoran blinked and Sakura smiled.
"Mei, I know what you feel when Syaoran said he loved me I couldn't look at him without blushing and getting a beautiful feeling. I thought about my feelings and I realised I was in love with Syaoran too" Sakura said, she and Syaoran smiled at each other and then at me.
"Come on, let's go home, have a bath and have a snack I vote hot chocolate" Syaoran said standing up with Sakura holding one arm.
"And pancakes, come on Meiling just the two of us and we can talk all about what's on your mind and help you over come them" Sakura said, Syaoran nodded and gave me the other arm. I felt more at home with these two, I couldn't wait to talk to them about anything. Sakura and Syaoran are a lot of fun to be with.
I spent the rest of my night with Sakura and Syaoran, all of us in our pyjamas and night gowns. We all had a bath, Sakura and Syaoran let me go first since I had had a ruff night. Sakura had lit candles and aromors of flowers and cherry blossom petals with bath salts plus bubble bath. (She read that both Arise and Geminis need to relax in a nice bubble bath to calm down). Then Sakura went and Syaoran went last.
After that we had a hot chocolate each and pancakes, but Syaoran also gave my my favourite- PEACH BUNS! YUMMY!
They both listened to me and gave me reasons why I was wrong about this sort of thing, then we all talked about the times we had fun and memories.
I wonder, would it had been better if I had killed myself? I guess not, Sakura and Syaoran gave me a really nice girl's night in. Syaoran has to hang out at these a lot of the time, he might like hanging around with us, I guess he's happy when it's just Sakura, with Sakura he says it's romantic. But with me and Sakura it's fun. I'm glade I am still hear, Sakura and Syaoran really cheered me up. But I think the reason I am here to feel better is cause of Eriol, my dear Eriol.
He said he loved me, I don't know what to think. I hope I figer this out soon, I have so many people I need to sort out. Including Tomoyo.
Forever here and yours,
Meiling Li
P.S I don't know what to say or do. Eriol is suck in my head. I have lot's to sort out, but this is also a reason why I have to keep living. I will finsh that book mother talked about, I will finsh all the quests I was going to leave open.
But with this thing with Eriol, the next thing in my head- Is Tyler and our wedding. Father would go crazy. I don't know how I'll get round that. I think Tomoyo should be case one on my to do list.