Chapter XXIV - The Mark
The green sky... the mark... the burned atmosphere... Bellatrix's unexpected voice... "Avada Kedavra".... "Nooooo!"
Severus stood up suddenly, a cold sweat covering his body. He had lived it again in his mind as if he were there. Next to him, a body moved under the sheets.
"Wh- What?" asked a sleepy woman's voice.
"Nothing, Ellie" he said, trembling slightly "Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep."
"Humm..." and she instantly fell asleep again.
Severus ran his fingers through his hair. He was feeling so guilty. Ellie, quietly, unaware of his secret, was lying next to him, trusting.
He thought nothing could be worst than that night. But when he received Ellie's owl two months ago asking him to meet her because she needed a shoulder to cry on... he felt he was the worst of men. The Dark Lord himself seemed like a clown next to his betrayal. But what could he do now? What could he have done when she begged him to walk her to the funeral because she feared she would faint? What could he say when Ellie introduced him to her mother and started crying when she remembered she had never introduced him to her father? What could he say when Mrs. Wood said such things as "you seem such a good boy, Severus"?
What could he do but stand by the woman he loved and try to relief her pain?
He got up and drank a glass of water. He wished for a moment that it was poison and that he would drop dead next moment. But it was only water. He looked at Ellie's body, sleeping in bed.
He had loved her again that night. He had lost himself in that feeling, the only feeling, that made him so alive. He could still feel her warm kisses, he could still smell her skin, he could still hear her voice... He seated next to her again, touching her softly, running his fingers through her curves. Her body was like a mystery unraveling itself to be explored by him. And his body was a mystery trying to hide and conceal a shameful present and a hideous past.
Ellie slowly opened her eyes again.
"That is so good... I love it when you do that."
"Do what?"
"When you just stare at me and touch me so softly, as if I were some kind of precious jewel."
"You're much more than that." he said honestly.
She smiled a happy smile. Then kissed his hand.
"Ellie..." he said. Then he fell silent again. He opened his mouth to speak... but no words came out.
"I love you, too." she said.
He stood up and grabbed his robes.
"Are you getting dressed already?" she asked "Don't. I love to look at you."
"You're just saying that. How could you like to watch such an ugly thing?"
"Sevy" she said sweetly "I love you. All of you. Just the way you are."
Severus' stomach was twisting in shame. "Tell her! Tell her!" a voice was saying inside of him. "I can't! She'll walk away." "You must tell her! She won't leave you if you just tell her what happened and how you're feeling!" "I can't!!"
"What's wrong, Sevy?" she asked, frowning.
"Nothing," he said, whipping the sweat from his forehead again. "I'm just-"
"I mean in your arm." and she got up, worried, and walked to him.
Severus looked quickly at his arm. "Nooo!" he thought to himself "Not now!!"
"It's nothing." he said quickly, trying to get his robes on. But Ellie, worried, tried to seize his arm. Severus was so pale now she was sure he was sick somehow. "It's nothing" he said, again, waving his arm out of her grip.
"Severus, you're ill!" she said "I must see what it is! You're pale and drenched in sweat! You're trembling. And there's something black in your forearm, I saw it appearing. What's wrong with you? I can prepare a potion for you-"
"I can prepare a potion for me too!" he almost shouted. "I said it's nothing! Leave it!"
Ellie didn't move. She was not used to hear him shout... especially to her.
"You're upset. I understand" she said. "But you can trust me. You know that, don't you?"
"There are things not even you can understand." he said bitterly.
"You're wrong." she said. "I can understand. Trust me."
"Tell her!"
He was now dressed. He seated in a chair and sank his head in his hands. Ellie kneeled by him.
"Sevy... you can trust me." and she kissed his cheek, and his neck, and pushed his sleeve down to kiss his forearm-
But she stopped.
She stood up, turned around, said "I'm dreaming...", then looked at him again.
"Severus..."
He looked up at her.
"Show me your forearm." she said, shaking. "I thought... No, I must be seeing things."
He stood up, walked to her slowly, took her hand and made her roll his sleeve again. Then he looked deeply in her eyes and said "Was this what you think you saw?"
Ellie passed her fingers on the Dark Mark that had appeared in the same forearm she had so many times kissed and loved. She seemed to force herself to touch it to be able to believe it. Then she withdrew her hand in disgust, unable to take her eyes out of the Mark.
"What is this joke you're pulling on me?" and she looked at his eyes, where no fire was now visible.
"I wish it was a joke." he said, darkly.
"You..." she said, faintly "You... I don't believe it! I can't believe it! You... I trusted you!!"
Severus didn't move, didn't speak, didn't breath.
"How could you?!" she asked, revolted. " I trusted you! I never thought you could join those monsters! They've spread nothing but death and- " then she seemed to have remembered the worst of it... and she stood very still. Her heart was beating so fast and her chest was so cold with fear she thought death itself had touched her. "Tell me" she said, shaking "Tell me you didn't..." Her eyes shining in tears "Tell me you weren't there." Breathing heavily, she grabbed him by the robes "Tell me, please. Tell me you weren't there. Tell me, and I'll believe you... Please... Tell me!" Her tears were running free over her cheeks now. Severus' eyes shone for a moment and a silent tear fell. "I want to believe you weren't there... Please... tell me you weren't there... I believe you if you tell me" she begged.
"I was there." he said quietly.
"No... Nooo. Noooo!" she fell to her knees, crying.
He kneeled by her and forced her to look him in his eyes. "You must believe me: I didn't know he was your father."
But Ellie's eyes were suddenly filled with an unknown fire. She sprang to her feet and looked coldly at him.
"Oh, you didn't know he was my father!" she said sarcastically "Oh, then everything's ok, then, I suppose! What would you do if you'd known? Would it make any difference?" and she turned away to get dressed.
"I wouldn't let it happen."
"Then I'm really sorry you're not getting laid by every woman in the country." she said savagely "Then, they might have their families safe!"
Severus didn't answer. He knew he deserved it. He deserved a lot more than that.
When she finished getting dressed, in the cold silence that had remained, she walked by him to the door, but she stood still and faced him once more.
"You were right, you know? I don't understand."
And she stormed away. Severus didn't know what to do. He thought about going after her, but he didn't have enough courage to face her again. She was right about everything. And she had gone, before his eyes, and he just stood there, unable to move... to think... to live...
Then he remembered the Dark Mark. He apparated near his Master, who had called his servants, and joined the meeting. He was feeling numb, but he managed to hear, through the buzzing in his hear that remained since Ellie had left, that the Dark Lord had a spy who assured him they could take over Hogwarts during the next days. One of Dumbledore's closest friends had just turned their side and was ready to deliver him to the Dark Lord. With Dumbledore gone, the school was nothing but a treat.
That same night, when the meeting was dismissed, Severus didn't return home. He went to Hogwarts and became Dumbledore's most trusted spy.
The green sky... the mark... the burned atmosphere... Bellatrix's unexpected voice... "Avada Kedavra".... "Nooooo!"
Severus stood up suddenly, a cold sweat covering his body. He had lived it again in his mind as if he were there. Next to him, a body moved under the sheets.
"Wh- What?" asked a sleepy woman's voice.
"Nothing, Ellie" he said, trembling slightly "Just a bad dream. Go back to sleep."
"Humm..." and she instantly fell asleep again.
Severus ran his fingers through his hair. He was feeling so guilty. Ellie, quietly, unaware of his secret, was lying next to him, trusting.
He thought nothing could be worst than that night. But when he received Ellie's owl two months ago asking him to meet her because she needed a shoulder to cry on... he felt he was the worst of men. The Dark Lord himself seemed like a clown next to his betrayal. But what could he do now? What could he have done when she begged him to walk her to the funeral because she feared she would faint? What could he say when Ellie introduced him to her mother and started crying when she remembered she had never introduced him to her father? What could he say when Mrs. Wood said such things as "you seem such a good boy, Severus"?
What could he do but stand by the woman he loved and try to relief her pain?
He got up and drank a glass of water. He wished for a moment that it was poison and that he would drop dead next moment. But it was only water. He looked at Ellie's body, sleeping in bed.
He had loved her again that night. He had lost himself in that feeling, the only feeling, that made him so alive. He could still feel her warm kisses, he could still smell her skin, he could still hear her voice... He seated next to her again, touching her softly, running his fingers through her curves. Her body was like a mystery unraveling itself to be explored by him. And his body was a mystery trying to hide and conceal a shameful present and a hideous past.
Ellie slowly opened her eyes again.
"That is so good... I love it when you do that."
"Do what?"
"When you just stare at me and touch me so softly, as if I were some kind of precious jewel."
"You're much more than that." he said honestly.
She smiled a happy smile. Then kissed his hand.
"Ellie..." he said. Then he fell silent again. He opened his mouth to speak... but no words came out.
"I love you, too." she said.
He stood up and grabbed his robes.
"Are you getting dressed already?" she asked "Don't. I love to look at you."
"You're just saying that. How could you like to watch such an ugly thing?"
"Sevy" she said sweetly "I love you. All of you. Just the way you are."
Severus' stomach was twisting in shame. "Tell her! Tell her!" a voice was saying inside of him. "I can't! She'll walk away." "You must tell her! She won't leave you if you just tell her what happened and how you're feeling!" "I can't!!"
"What's wrong, Sevy?" she asked, frowning.
"Nothing," he said, whipping the sweat from his forehead again. "I'm just-"
"I mean in your arm." and she got up, worried, and walked to him.
Severus looked quickly at his arm. "Nooo!" he thought to himself "Not now!!"
"It's nothing." he said quickly, trying to get his robes on. But Ellie, worried, tried to seize his arm. Severus was so pale now she was sure he was sick somehow. "It's nothing" he said, again, waving his arm out of her grip.
"Severus, you're ill!" she said "I must see what it is! You're pale and drenched in sweat! You're trembling. And there's something black in your forearm, I saw it appearing. What's wrong with you? I can prepare a potion for you-"
"I can prepare a potion for me too!" he almost shouted. "I said it's nothing! Leave it!"
Ellie didn't move. She was not used to hear him shout... especially to her.
"You're upset. I understand" she said. "But you can trust me. You know that, don't you?"
"There are things not even you can understand." he said bitterly.
"You're wrong." she said. "I can understand. Trust me."
"Tell her!"
He was now dressed. He seated in a chair and sank his head in his hands. Ellie kneeled by him.
"Sevy... you can trust me." and she kissed his cheek, and his neck, and pushed his sleeve down to kiss his forearm-
But she stopped.
She stood up, turned around, said "I'm dreaming...", then looked at him again.
"Severus..."
He looked up at her.
"Show me your forearm." she said, shaking. "I thought... No, I must be seeing things."
He stood up, walked to her slowly, took her hand and made her roll his sleeve again. Then he looked deeply in her eyes and said "Was this what you think you saw?"
Ellie passed her fingers on the Dark Mark that had appeared in the same forearm she had so many times kissed and loved. She seemed to force herself to touch it to be able to believe it. Then she withdrew her hand in disgust, unable to take her eyes out of the Mark.
"What is this joke you're pulling on me?" and she looked at his eyes, where no fire was now visible.
"I wish it was a joke." he said, darkly.
"You..." she said, faintly "You... I don't believe it! I can't believe it! You... I trusted you!!"
Severus didn't move, didn't speak, didn't breath.
"How could you?!" she asked, revolted. " I trusted you! I never thought you could join those monsters! They've spread nothing but death and- " then she seemed to have remembered the worst of it... and she stood very still. Her heart was beating so fast and her chest was so cold with fear she thought death itself had touched her. "Tell me" she said, shaking "Tell me you didn't..." Her eyes shining in tears "Tell me you weren't there." Breathing heavily, she grabbed him by the robes "Tell me, please. Tell me you weren't there. Tell me, and I'll believe you... Please... Tell me!" Her tears were running free over her cheeks now. Severus' eyes shone for a moment and a silent tear fell. "I want to believe you weren't there... Please... tell me you weren't there... I believe you if you tell me" she begged.
"I was there." he said quietly.
"No... Nooo. Noooo!" she fell to her knees, crying.
He kneeled by her and forced her to look him in his eyes. "You must believe me: I didn't know he was your father."
But Ellie's eyes were suddenly filled with an unknown fire. She sprang to her feet and looked coldly at him.
"Oh, you didn't know he was my father!" she said sarcastically "Oh, then everything's ok, then, I suppose! What would you do if you'd known? Would it make any difference?" and she turned away to get dressed.
"I wouldn't let it happen."
"Then I'm really sorry you're not getting laid by every woman in the country." she said savagely "Then, they might have their families safe!"
Severus didn't answer. He knew he deserved it. He deserved a lot more than that.
When she finished getting dressed, in the cold silence that had remained, she walked by him to the door, but she stood still and faced him once more.
"You were right, you know? I don't understand."
And she stormed away. Severus didn't know what to do. He thought about going after her, but he didn't have enough courage to face her again. She was right about everything. And she had gone, before his eyes, and he just stood there, unable to move... to think... to live...
Then he remembered the Dark Mark. He apparated near his Master, who had called his servants, and joined the meeting. He was feeling numb, but he managed to hear, through the buzzing in his hear that remained since Ellie had left, that the Dark Lord had a spy who assured him they could take over Hogwarts during the next days. One of Dumbledore's closest friends had just turned their side and was ready to deliver him to the Dark Lord. With Dumbledore gone, the school was nothing but a treat.
That same night, when the meeting was dismissed, Severus didn't return home. He went to Hogwarts and became Dumbledore's most trusted spy.