TORTUREGA
*
The place is dirty. Algae all over the place, scum. Prostitutes, theives, old ladies, murderers, jaywalkers, penguins, penguin keepers, drunks, druggies, babies, wiggers and the like roam the streets. The scenery? Broken buildings with anarchy signs spraypainted on them, fires, and many animals running around: turkeys, zebras, do-dos, fish, black cats, superman and elvis impersonaters, my brother, llamas, iguanas, eels, school lunches and an almost-16-year-old-girl with too much free time skipping along the scene with balloons in her hand singing "I like to sing-a..about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a.." as she trips and falls over the pier into the water and we never see her again. Okay, we will, but it was just REALLY fun to say that..
Jack stands still in awe.
"Jesus. I think we need to call Queer Eye for this city."
Will gives him a weird look.
"Damn pirates."
Jack and Will step off the boat and onto the port of the town.
"So..where are we?" Will asks.
"I..uh..dunno." Jack Replies.
They both stare with blank faces on until one of them, 5 minutes later, looks behind them and sees a sign enscripted with: "You idiots. You are in Torturega. Not to be confused with Tortuga, our counterpart."
"How oddly specific."
"Indeed."
Pause.
"Let's get some grub." Will interrupts.
"Yeah!"
They frolic off into the faux forest until they run into a woman who happens to look and speak a lot like a man. Smells like one, too. She stops them.
"YOU -radio edit- WHAT THE -radio edit- DO YOU THINK YOUR -radio edit- DOING? YOU MOTH..-radio edit- -radio edit-!" (S)he yells and slaps Jack and runs off gimp-like yelling and cackling.
"Where there's one, there's hundreds more." Jack mumbles to himself, but so that Will could hear.
Will stares.
"Well.." Jack drops his stuff. "We're gonna need a crew." He sniffs the air. "Do you smell what I smell?"
"Besides the low tide, mangled carsasses, and you?" Will asked half sarcastically.
"Yes." Jack replied as he sniffs again. All of his muscles stiffen.
"Allllcohollll.."
As if in a trance, Jack makes off to the bar. Will follows. Jack opens the door and sees a middle-eastern woman. He looks at her. He recognises her. She looks at him. A smile comes over her face, or what you can see of it. A smile comes over his face, too. They gaze into eachother's eyes for a moment, then hers become shallower. She slaps him and walks off. Will stares.
"Oh yeah. I deserved that." He adjusts his jaw.
They both walk in and sit down at the bar. A bartender makes her way over to them. She takes one look at him, jumps over the bar, and dropkicks him in the face.
"You stole my boat!" She yells.
"AnaMaria! Have you seen gibbs?" He makes his way up, groaning. "I need to get together a.." She slaps him. "Well, see, I didn't steal your boat, I..well. okay, I did steal your boat.."
AnaMaria darts at him. He runs around the table. She follows. He runs behind the counter. She follows. He runs behind an old couple. She follows.
"STOP CHASING ME! IM SORRY!" He yells in fright.
She inches her face this_ close to his. Her eyes turn from pure red, back to their normal color. She roars.
"That boat, the Happy Dude. It was my pride and joy. She was like my child. You bring her back." She informs.
"Sh..sh..she's safe at Port Abella!" Jack informs with fear. "You'll get her back!"
"I'd better!" Her vampire teeth grow out from anger when she hears a voice.
"Oh, Bartender!" Someone calls. Her eyes go back to normal and her face returns to it's natural beauty. Everything about her is normal again. She goes over to the lady who called her. "Yes, what would you like?"
Will is at the bar watching the old game of croquet on the big screen rock. He turns around to get Jack after talking with a different bartender and wtaching the game at the same time.
"Hey, Jack!"
"CAPTAIN Jack."
"Hey, Captain Jack!"
"Yes?"
"This man here..says he knows Gibbs."
"Oh, really?" He makes his way to the counter.
The bartender looks at Jack and nods his head.
"WHAT IS THIS YOU KNOW GIBBS?" Jack yells.
The bartender says nothing but motions for Jack to be quieter. He nods his head towards the back door.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE A CRICK IN YOUR NECK?"
The bartender says nothing, yet again. His eyes widen as he tried to get Jack to shut up and take the hint that no one is supposed to know. Will speaks calmly to Jack.
"Captain, I think that he is telling us that Gibbs is out back and that no one is supposed to know anything."
"Ohhh gotcha." They both go towards the back door. The bartender smiles, nods, and hands the men a busket of ketchup. As they reach for the door handle, Jack turns around and yells, "THANKS FOR TELLING ME ABOUT GIBBS, SIR!"
Will grabs him by the mouth to shut him up and throws him out the door and shuts the door. They look to see a man in a Navy uniform rolling about in the mud, playing, and bathing the pigs. They oink to eachother and throw mudballs. The man makes a mudpie. Will takes the bucket and throws it on the man. Jack gasps.
"GIBBS!"
"Hold on piggies. There's a HUMAN to talk to me." He turns from the pigs. "Yes?"
"Why, 'ello, chum." Jack says cheerfully.
"Hello..HEY! YOU'RE JACK! DIE!"
"CAPTAIN Jack."
"HEY! YOU'RE CAPTAIN JACK! DIE!"
"I need a crew." Jack so politely informs.
Gibbs laughs.
"What's that for?" Jack asks.
"Sorry..I was just remembering a joke Piggie told me. Did you say something?" Gibbs replies. Jack's frusteration increases.
"Yes. I need a crew."
Gibbs laughs again.
"What, now?"
"Well, all the decent pirates seem to think you are a jynx."
"WHAT? WHY WOULD THEY THINK THAT?!" Jack stomps, causing himself to trip and land face first in the mud with a force to great, it covered Will. The bucket, flying overhead from the throw, lands on Jack's head.
"I dunno." Gibbs replied.
"Well, I'm going after the Black Apollo." Jack informs. Gibbs is shocked. He stares at Jack.
"Come again?"
"I'm going after the Black Apollo. I know where it is and I am going to take it."
"Oh! I thought you said something about sandpaper and a watermelon. Hah. Silly me. Do go on."
Jack stares. "No."
"Hm. You silly man. Have you not heard all the stories about the cursed Black Apollo?"
"Of course. That's how I know where it makes berth."
"Ah, true, true."
"All I need now is a crew."
Gibbs giggles.
"What?"
"That rhymes."
Jack sighs. "I have what Boobossa wants."
"Oh yeah?"
Jack comes closer and whispers. "See that young lad? That's the son of Jockstrap Bop."
"You know what, Jack.."
Jack coughs the word CAPTAIN.
"You know what, Captain Jack. You are a crazy man. I will ifnd you a crew."
"SCHWING!"
------
Will Jack be able to get the right crew?
Will Gibbs and a swine condure up a relationship?
Sad thing is, probably..
Stay tuned and comment.
*
The place is dirty. Algae all over the place, scum. Prostitutes, theives, old ladies, murderers, jaywalkers, penguins, penguin keepers, drunks, druggies, babies, wiggers and the like roam the streets. The scenery? Broken buildings with anarchy signs spraypainted on them, fires, and many animals running around: turkeys, zebras, do-dos, fish, black cats, superman and elvis impersonaters, my brother, llamas, iguanas, eels, school lunches and an almost-16-year-old-girl with too much free time skipping along the scene with balloons in her hand singing "I like to sing-a..about the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a.." as she trips and falls over the pier into the water and we never see her again. Okay, we will, but it was just REALLY fun to say that..
Jack stands still in awe.
"Jesus. I think we need to call Queer Eye for this city."
Will gives him a weird look.
"Damn pirates."
Jack and Will step off the boat and onto the port of the town.
"So..where are we?" Will asks.
"I..uh..dunno." Jack Replies.
They both stare with blank faces on until one of them, 5 minutes later, looks behind them and sees a sign enscripted with: "You idiots. You are in Torturega. Not to be confused with Tortuga, our counterpart."
"How oddly specific."
"Indeed."
Pause.
"Let's get some grub." Will interrupts.
"Yeah!"
They frolic off into the faux forest until they run into a woman who happens to look and speak a lot like a man. Smells like one, too. She stops them.
"YOU -radio edit- WHAT THE -radio edit- DO YOU THINK YOUR -radio edit- DOING? YOU MOTH..-radio edit- -radio edit-!" (S)he yells and slaps Jack and runs off gimp-like yelling and cackling.
"Where there's one, there's hundreds more." Jack mumbles to himself, but so that Will could hear.
Will stares.
"Well.." Jack drops his stuff. "We're gonna need a crew." He sniffs the air. "Do you smell what I smell?"
"Besides the low tide, mangled carsasses, and you?" Will asked half sarcastically.
"Yes." Jack replied as he sniffs again. All of his muscles stiffen.
"Allllcohollll.."
As if in a trance, Jack makes off to the bar. Will follows. Jack opens the door and sees a middle-eastern woman. He looks at her. He recognises her. She looks at him. A smile comes over her face, or what you can see of it. A smile comes over his face, too. They gaze into eachother's eyes for a moment, then hers become shallower. She slaps him and walks off. Will stares.
"Oh yeah. I deserved that." He adjusts his jaw.
They both walk in and sit down at the bar. A bartender makes her way over to them. She takes one look at him, jumps over the bar, and dropkicks him in the face.
"You stole my boat!" She yells.
"AnaMaria! Have you seen gibbs?" He makes his way up, groaning. "I need to get together a.." She slaps him. "Well, see, I didn't steal your boat, I..well. okay, I did steal your boat.."
AnaMaria darts at him. He runs around the table. She follows. He runs behind the counter. She follows. He runs behind an old couple. She follows.
"STOP CHASING ME! IM SORRY!" He yells in fright.
She inches her face this_ close to his. Her eyes turn from pure red, back to their normal color. She roars.
"That boat, the Happy Dude. It was my pride and joy. She was like my child. You bring her back." She informs.
"Sh..sh..she's safe at Port Abella!" Jack informs with fear. "You'll get her back!"
"I'd better!" Her vampire teeth grow out from anger when she hears a voice.
"Oh, Bartender!" Someone calls. Her eyes go back to normal and her face returns to it's natural beauty. Everything about her is normal again. She goes over to the lady who called her. "Yes, what would you like?"
Will is at the bar watching the old game of croquet on the big screen rock. He turns around to get Jack after talking with a different bartender and wtaching the game at the same time.
"Hey, Jack!"
"CAPTAIN Jack."
"Hey, Captain Jack!"
"Yes?"
"This man here..says he knows Gibbs."
"Oh, really?" He makes his way to the counter.
The bartender looks at Jack and nods his head.
"WHAT IS THIS YOU KNOW GIBBS?" Jack yells.
The bartender says nothing but motions for Jack to be quieter. He nods his head towards the back door.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DO YOU HAVE A CRICK IN YOUR NECK?"
The bartender says nothing, yet again. His eyes widen as he tried to get Jack to shut up and take the hint that no one is supposed to know. Will speaks calmly to Jack.
"Captain, I think that he is telling us that Gibbs is out back and that no one is supposed to know anything."
"Ohhh gotcha." They both go towards the back door. The bartender smiles, nods, and hands the men a busket of ketchup. As they reach for the door handle, Jack turns around and yells, "THANKS FOR TELLING ME ABOUT GIBBS, SIR!"
Will grabs him by the mouth to shut him up and throws him out the door and shuts the door. They look to see a man in a Navy uniform rolling about in the mud, playing, and bathing the pigs. They oink to eachother and throw mudballs. The man makes a mudpie. Will takes the bucket and throws it on the man. Jack gasps.
"GIBBS!"
"Hold on piggies. There's a HUMAN to talk to me." He turns from the pigs. "Yes?"
"Why, 'ello, chum." Jack says cheerfully.
"Hello..HEY! YOU'RE JACK! DIE!"
"CAPTAIN Jack."
"HEY! YOU'RE CAPTAIN JACK! DIE!"
"I need a crew." Jack so politely informs.
Gibbs laughs.
"What's that for?" Jack asks.
"Sorry..I was just remembering a joke Piggie told me. Did you say something?" Gibbs replies. Jack's frusteration increases.
"Yes. I need a crew."
Gibbs laughs again.
"What, now?"
"Well, all the decent pirates seem to think you are a jynx."
"WHAT? WHY WOULD THEY THINK THAT?!" Jack stomps, causing himself to trip and land face first in the mud with a force to great, it covered Will. The bucket, flying overhead from the throw, lands on Jack's head.
"I dunno." Gibbs replied.
"Well, I'm going after the Black Apollo." Jack informs. Gibbs is shocked. He stares at Jack.
"Come again?"
"I'm going after the Black Apollo. I know where it is and I am going to take it."
"Oh! I thought you said something about sandpaper and a watermelon. Hah. Silly me. Do go on."
Jack stares. "No."
"Hm. You silly man. Have you not heard all the stories about the cursed Black Apollo?"
"Of course. That's how I know where it makes berth."
"Ah, true, true."
"All I need now is a crew."
Gibbs giggles.
"What?"
"That rhymes."
Jack sighs. "I have what Boobossa wants."
"Oh yeah?"
Jack comes closer and whispers. "See that young lad? That's the son of Jockstrap Bop."
"You know what, Jack.."
Jack coughs the word CAPTAIN.
"You know what, Captain Jack. You are a crazy man. I will ifnd you a crew."
"SCHWING!"
------
Will Jack be able to get the right crew?
Will Gibbs and a swine condure up a relationship?
Sad thing is, probably..
Stay tuned and comment.