"Are you serious?" I asked, my eyebrow raised. Though Sirius had been much kinder to me lately, I still had trouble believing that Sirius was saying this.
"Of course," Sirius responded. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"You know, I won't force you to do this. I told you that I wouldn't mind if we weren't open about our relationship."
"You deserve this." He put his hand on mine.
"But a Hogsmeade trip? James will see us."
"So let him see," Sirius replied.
A grin spread across my face. "Okay. Have I told you lately how wonderful you are?"
"You just did."
"You two had better get to classes," Paige called over her shoulder as she walked by carrying a container of coffee.
"Unfortunately, she's right," I said and kissed Sirius. "I'll see you later, Sirius."
"Bye, Pheebs."
I caught up to Paige. "We're going out on a real date during the next Hogsmeade trip. Isn't that great?" I said dreamily.
"Yeah."
"I don't quite understand what made him change his mind about people knowing about us," I said. "It's like he doesn't remember all the stuff James said."
Paige nearly choked on her coffee. "It does seem like that, doesn't it? Well, I'm sure he's merely seeing how nice you are."
I cast her a suspicious look. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing," she said quickly.
"Paige, you—"
"Got to go! I have a different class than you!" she called as she ran away.
"Ugh. As if I don't have enough people getting involved in my love life. First my sisters, now her."
A spell attacked me out of nowhere. The force knocked me into the wall. By the time I straightened up, my attacker had fled. My cheek was bleeding. Shaking a bit, I stepped into the classroom.
"What do you mean?" Piper asked in her worried way.
"Someone attacked me," I said. "I didn't even hear the person say a spell."
"Maybe it wasn't a spell," Prue said softly.
"Either way, you should tell Dumbledore or Dippet."
I barely heard her. I was paying more attention to Prue. "What makes you say that?"
Piper was now completely tuned out of the conversation. She was gazing at Remus with love written all over her face. I knew she'd never have to nerve to admit how she felt. Too bad I couldn't help her out with a spell.
"I remember when we were very young, someone broke into the house. It was a man, but he had inhuman powers. Mom and Grams called him a…" I waited anxiously for the end of her sentence. "They called him a demon. Perhaps that's what attacked you."
I burst out laughing. "Please, Prue. Don't tell me you believe in that stuff. I know Grams is always trying to force that junk down our throats, but that's just Grams. Besides, why would a demon attack me?"
"Why would a demon attack mom and Grams?" Prue said. "There's something about our family, something that even Dumbledore seems to know about. You have to admit that at least."
"Maybe so, but I don't buy the demon theory," I responded. "It was probably Malfoy or one of his dolt followers."
"Even they need the aid of a wand to do magic," Prue countered. "You didn't hear anything."
"So I missed the spell. I had my mind on other matters. I think I'll just forget about this whole thing."
"Be careful," Prue warned.
"Always am, dear sister."
I looked back at Piper. She was still staring at Remus.
"Hello, Piper? Why don't you go talk to him?"
"Why would I?" Piper said, breaking her gaze.
"Yeah right," I scoffed. "I know you're head over heels for him."
"Prue, tell her how ridiculous she's being."
"'Fraid I can't convince her of anything," Prue replied. "You really are in love with Remus."
"I rarely even talk to him," Piper said. "How could I be in love?"
"It happens. I think you two would make a great couple," Prue said with a wink.
"She's right," I said. "Both of you are super smart and so disciplined, although Remus is a Marauder and does have a wild side."
"This conversation is over," Piper declared.
"You can keep denying it, but everybody else knows the truth."
She promptly walked away.
The day of the Hogsmeade trip finally arrived. I spent at least two hours deciding on the perfect outfit. With the help of fashion-sensible Natalie, I found the outfit.
I sat down to breakfast feeling excited and nervous and happy at the same time. It seemed that I always had this feeling whenever I was with Sirius or even when I just thought about him. I had never felt like this about a boy before. Was I really in love? I sure hoped not. Love… it was easy to say 'I love you', but to really have the feeling behind it… that was a whole different thing.
A white owl dropped a letter in front of me. I picked it up and saw that it had come from Grams. Wondering why she would write to me, I opened it and read the few lines.
I sharply breathed in. The noise of the hall was fading away. I was completely alone. I closed my eyes, tears running down my face. Filled with anguish, I screamed.
Piper
I ran over to Phoebe. I was followed closely by Prue. "Phoebe!"
She didn't open her eyes; instead she closed her arms around her face, heaving great sobs.
I picked up the letter that seemed to be the cause of her trouble.
Dear girls,
Something has happened. Your mom is dead. Coming to get you.
Grams
I stopped, unable to do anything. No. It couldn't be. Your mom is dead. Your mom is dead. The words echoed in my mind. "No." It was like someone was holding me underwater. I was drowning. I was losing the air in my lungs. I couldn't think; I could barely breathe. It was so unreal, yet it was overpowering. Just words, just words. They were just words! How could my mother be dead? It was impossible.
Someone was coming near me. A voice, speaking words. A hand, touching my back. Tears, running down my face. I wanted to scream, just as Phoebe had. I wanted to rip up that letter, and I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't true. Someone tell me it isn't true! I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I needed to wake up and see my mother. This is a nightmare… I'm just dreaming. I'm just drowning.
Noise and movement and sound and then… silence. Someone else knew.
"Piper, Prue, Phoebe…"
No. I did not want to hear comfort. I did not want to hear pity. I would not take this any longer. I would not stay here in this silence, surrounded by the shards of my broken world. A glass world, so pure and perfect, so clear and assured, had been shattered. I too was shattered by some power outside my control. Could not stay… I could not stay in this light. I needed the darkness; I needed emptiness. Away… I had to get away…
I ran out of the Great Hall, away from the letter. I think my sisters followed me. I couldn't see where I was going. Was I even moving anymore? Did I care if I wasn't?
Light… No, I didn't want the light. Somewhere, I found darkness. I stopped feeling. I was numb. I couldn't feel the tears on my face. I couldn't feel the pain. I was floating; I was flying. Then I was gone.
For hours, I lay on my bed and wept. I wished I had been there with her when she had died. I wished I had told her goodbye. I wished I could have seen her one last time. She had been taken from me. Why had she been taken? Why did I have to be alone? I was with my sisters, but I was still alone. If I had had the strength to speak, no one would have heard me. I had had the will to move, I couldn't have moved. My body was separate from me, just as my mother was. I almost felt angry, but I wouldn't let myself feel anymore.
Prue was lying on the floor on her back, tears dripping from her wide eyes. She made not a sound. She hardly even breathed.
Phoebe was sitting with her head resting on her knees in the corner of the room, crying alone.
We remained like that for an undeterminable amount of time. Then Grams came and led us to the car. We went to a house I had once called home. It had been a place of comfort, but now it was only a reminder of what I had lost. Somehow, we slept for the rest of the day. I had a feeling that Grams put a spell on us. If I could sleep forever… how I would be blessed.
The following day, Grams explained what had happened. Her explanation was short and simple: "Patty was fighting a demon."
"Now's not the time to bring up the demon shit, Grams," Phoebe said bitterly.
"She was. You must accept that you remember the demon attacks. I know you do."
"Those were just dreams," Phoebe muttered.
"What kind was it?" Prue asked more loudly.
"A water demon. She drowned."
Silence followed. That statement was too final. I couldn't accept it. I wouldn't believe it. "She can't be dead."
"Piper—"
"No! I won't accept it! I can't lose her. I lost my dad. Why did I have to lose my mom?"
"She was a Halliwell," Grams said. "Our family fights evil."
"No. No, no." No more words. I closed my eyes. I wouldn't see. I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't believe this. "Give me peace," I sobbed.
"She died doing a good deed," Grams said.
"You don't even care," I said. "A good deed? She's dead! How can a good deed matter more than her life?"
"Piper, she was my daughter. How can you say that I don't care?"
"You don't care!" I shouted, opening my eyes. "I will never fight evil! I just want to be normal and I want my mom back."
"We all do, Piper. But there is nothing we can do," Prue said.
I didn't respond. How could Grams and Prue just accept this? How could they embrace it as a good deed? She was dead. She was gone forever. I closed my eyes.
"Before she died, she wrote farewell letters," Grams said. "She must have had a vision of her death."
A paper was placed in my hand. I did nothing. "Give me peace," I whispered. "Give me sleep."
"Perhaps this will give you peace." Grams tightened my hand around the paper. I remained passive.
"Piper…"
I curled up. No more light. Just darkness.
I eventually did fall asleep there in the living room. When I awoke, it was late at night, and I was alone. As I sat up, I found that something was in my hand. It was an envelope. I opened it, not realizing what it was.
Dearest Piper,
I know that my death is coming soon. I have seen it. There is no way I can stop it. I want to tell you that I love you. I am sorry that we could not spend more time together. I hope that I have raised you well and that you had a wonderful childhood with me. There is something that you must know, and I'd prefer you find out from your family. You and your sisters are blessed with a gift greater than ordinary magic. You are destined to do great things together. You have a power, though I am not sure what it is. You will discover it soon. Please do not let your life pass you by while you mourn for me. I die but you must live on. Stay close to your sisters and obey Grams. I will always watch over you. I am here with you.
With all my love,
Mom
Within the envelope I discovered a rose. A note was attached.
This is an eternal rose. It is connected with my soul, so that whenever you feel alone, I am with you.
Tears squeezed out of my eyes. I felt that I would cry forever. I didn't want to accept this. That would be admitting defeat. That would be giving in. I couldn't do that to mom. I had to keep hoping.
I began to sob uncontrollably. I couldn't keep denying the truth. My own mother had told me that she was dead. She had written the words herself. She was gone. Acceptance, I knew, would not make the pain go away. The pain was always going to be there. It felt like the pain would always be this intense. How could it ever ease?
"I miss you, mom," I whispered. To this day, I swear I heard her voice whisper back, "I'm here."
The funeral was like a nightmare. Mom looked so different. I couldn't stand to look at her. She looked peaceful, but how could she be peaceful when she was leaving us behind?
"Get the hell out of here!" Phoebe screamed. "We all died to you years ago, didn't we?"
Victor had showed up. Phoebe snarled at him quite a lot and blamed him for her death. She didn't believe he deserved to be there. I had some doubts myself. He had left us. But unlike Phoebe, I didn't bother him. I murmured a hello and moved on. Prue ignored him totally.
A few other people showed up, including a man I had never met. He lingered a long time at the coffin. He appeared familiar, butI didn't find out who he was.
Then came the burial. I concentrated on the tombstone. It read: Patricia Halliwell, loving mother and good soul.
She was gone now. "Goodbye, mom," I whispered. Goodbye. It wasn't ended, though. I was still alive. I would have to live with this. I didn't think that I could, no matter what happened. There was nothing that could bring me comfort. I suppose I had closure, but what else did I have?
Pain. That was about all.
We soon returned to Hogwarts. Nobody there knew how to act around us. We weren't quite sure how to act either. Sometimes I cried during classes and the teacher would allow me to take a break. For a while, we didn't talk to the other students. None of them had ever experienced a loss like ours. We didn't want to burden them with our emotions, so we talked to each other. We talked about how much it hurt and how much we missed her. We wondered if we would ever feel normal again. Most of all, we questioned whether life could or would go on.
"Why did she have to leave us? She knew the danger in fighting demons. Why did she keep doing it? She had us. Didn't she care about us? Didn't she see what would happen if she left us? She abandoned us!" I sobbed one particular day.
"I hate her," Phoebe said resentfully. "She could have walked away. She saw what was going to happen and she didn't do a damn thing about it!"
"You can't hate her, Phoebe," Prue said hoarsely.
"Yes, I can."
"We can be angry, Prue," I said. "This is how we feel."
"But she's dead!" Prue argued. "She's gone and we can't feel like this."
"Don't you see, Prue?" I whispered. "We have to work through the pain and the anger and the hatred. She left us alone, Prue, and it hurts. She had the chance to stop all this."
"You don't know that!"
"Maybe, but that's how we feel. Nothing can change that except time."
"How do you feel? How feel about her leaving us?" Phoebe questioned.
"It hurts, okay, but I am not going to hold onto these bad feelings. They're wrong and I will not let them rule how I deal with her death," Prue chanted. Her eyes were blank.
"If you don't, then you will never be able to be happy again," Phoebe said.
"You have to admit how you feel," I said.
"I hate her!" Prue blurted and recoiled from her own words.
"It's okay, Prue."
We held each other and silently cried.
"I'm glad I have you two," Prue softly said. "If I didn't, I wouldn't have made through these years. I'm sorry, Phoebe, for being harsh with you. Piper, I'm sorry I ignored you so much. I know you had trouble over the years with loneliness. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for that. We've all been growing apart and none of us tried to do anything about it. Mom," I sucked in a breath, "she tried to tell me that as sisters, we had a special connection. I didn't listen to her. I wish I had. We've wasted so much time being enemies."
"I should have listened to you two. If I had, I would have been able to curse the Marauders now."
We all chuckled a little.
"Wow. That's the first time I've laughed since…" I struggled with the words. "Since mom died."
"It seems like mom was our happiness. Can we be happy with out her?" Phoebe wondered.
"I don't know," Prue said honestly.
"Do you think she really is with us?" I asked.
"Sometimes it feels like she is. Other times, though..." Another tear ran down Phoebe's cheek. "It seems like I'll be alone forever."
I closed my eyes. "It feels like the pain will go on forever."
"Maybe it will."
As time progressed, there were days when it didn't hurt as much. There were days when I would laugh again. At first I felt guilty. I felt like I was betraying mom. I had to mourn her in order to honor her. How could I let myself be happy?
Yet, there were still times when I smiled. I couldn't seem to stop myself, no matter how hard I tried. I still struggled, and I still cried. I didn't think I could ever 'move on', but maybe I could go on. Maybe it was okay to be happy sometimes.
I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't like that. Still, what else could I do but face the uncertain future? What other choice was there?