Part 3: A Wizard's Wants

Disclaimer: It belongs to Warner Bros. and J. Michael Straczynski.

Oh, so Gideon thinks he knows so much about me. How I moped about forever after Isabelle's death. Okay, so he probably doesn't know about Isabelle. But he thinks I am not flesh, that I am some sort of angel or demon or spirit above the affairs of the physical realm.

The fool.

Not too long after leaving my brothers, I embarked on a quest. A quest to find meaning in life. A quest that, truth be told, cost me my virginity and a lot more.

I wonder what it would have been like had Isabelle and I ever consummated our relationship. It felt so pure, so right, that I could have waited as long as necessary. But as it turns out, the choice was taken from me. She died, and I couldn't ever complete things in that respect. Nor have children. Of course, had she survived, our kids would not be able to be technomages, given the end of the source of our technology. But they would be our kids nonetheless, and I would have loved them.

But no, and so ultimately, life lost such meaning that I decided to take the meaning out of sex.

People would be surprised to hear about the encounters I had. A Minbari prostitute - oh yes, such things do exist, believe it or not. A female Narn general. The strangest, I suppose, was a Soul Hunter. Yes, they let their females go out to hunt souls, you just don't hear much about it. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better had one of them been there when Isabelle died. Would she have wanted to be preserved that way? I would have cherished her, but I somehow doubt that she would have been happy.

Nonetheless, I am more than a little hurt that no Soul Hunters came for her. Was she not good enough for them? Too little, too normal, too common? 'Twere I one of them, she would be the only soul I would ever need to take.

But it was strange. Mystical, I suppose. Lots of incense and chants. But the Soul Hunters really do know how to make the most of an experience.

But none of it ever really produced happiness. Just endless sensation and search for more sensation to temporarily drown out my thinking processes and dull the pain.

So I finally ended it, and took upon myself a vow of chastity. Not a vow, more of a resolution. Like Blaylock, I have retreated from emotion and sensation. What is the use? Better to look out upon the void and admit the meaninglessness rather than to fight it or ignore it.

Sometimes I call out to the universe, why am I here? What does it all mean?

And then I have my answer. The universe tells me exactly what it all means.

Nothing. Silence.

I remember an old TV show about vampires. There was an older vampire, with a radio show. He always talked to the younger vampire through the show. One line stands out:

"If there is a God, must He be sane?"

So I rail against the meaninglessness of it all, in the end knowing that even railing so is meaningless.

[A/N the TV show is Forever Knight, by the way. I'm not really as much of a downer as this fic might suggest; this is just how I see Galen].