Chapter 4: Blub, Blub, Blub

Snape wasn't there. The bedcovers were tossed aside and there was no Snape in the bed. Harry scouted the small room quickly. No Snape. Harry stepped into the hall to begin a search and notice that the bathroom door was closed. Harry always left the bathroom door open to indicate that it was available. He charged into the bathroom, hoping that it was indeed an emergency, or he might never hear the end of it. No Snape on the toilet or floor. There was water in the bathtub; it was nearly full to the top. Harry stepped closer and leaned to look into the tub. "Ahhh!" Harry cried out seeing a pale form under the water. He shoved both hands into the water, grabbed Snape by the shoulders and almost effortlessly pulled him from the tub to the floor. Harry pushed Snape on his side and saw water come from his mouth. He leaned close to Snape and observed no respiration. Quickly pushing Snape to his back, Harry straddled his hips, placed one hand on top of the other, set the heel of the bottom hand under Snape's ribcage and gave a quick upward thrust. Water came out from Snape's mouth. Harry gave several more thrusts to Snape's abdomen until no more water came from his mouth. Harry scrambled off Snape to his head, which he tipped back, pinched Snape's nose and began mouth to mouth breathing. Suddenly Snape coughed and took a shaky breath on his own.

Harry sat back and leaned against the bathroom wall, feeling shaky himself, and observed Snape's breathing to see that it remained regular. Harry was suddenly conscious of the fact that Snape was no longer covered head to toe in clothing and that the only time he had ever seen Snape even remotely revealed was in Dumbledore's pensieve when his father and Sirius had "teased" Snape. Snape couldn't be anymore revealed than now. Harry knew Snape was thin but could see now that his skin stretched over his bony frame like a plastic bag loaded with sharp objects nearly piercing the sides. Scars crisscrossed his skin as a spider web. Some scars were clearly knife work, some burns and the origins of others indefinable by just appearance. An intricate pattern of scars on his thighs were so clearly regular Harry wonder if they were self-inflicted. In many places the scars inhibited the growth of black body hair on the pasty skin making him look patchy. A small sound drew Harry from his examination. Snape was looking at Harry with narrowed eyes and a red face.

"Well, you are your father's son, you fucking pervert!" Snape spoke in a hoarse whisper. Snape looked away from Harry and with great effort brought a hand up to cover his face.

Harry studied Snape for a moment, grabbed a large bath towel off a nearby hook and gently wrapped Snape, covering his exposure. Harry spelled Snape dry, carefully picked him up and carried him to the bed. After placing him in the bed and covering him with the blankets, Harry charmed pajamas onto him.

"I'm going to Floo St Mungo's to have you checked out." Harry said. He turned to leave the room, and then turned back to Snape. Snape watched as Harry drew off his t-shirt. Harry turned around slowly so that Snape could see the scars that laced his torso and back. He stopped turning, faced Snape and unzipped his jeans and pushed them and his boxers down enough to show a long horizontal scar low on his abdomen. "While most of mine came from others, not all of them did." Harry redressed with Snape eyeing him with almost a curious expression. Harry headed out of the room then paused on the threshold. "I'm not James" he said softly and continued out of the room.

***

"He's sleeping now," said the mediwizard as he joined Harry in the living room. "I've checked him over and he seems to have suffered no permanent damage. Your quick action saved his life. How did it happen?" The mediwizard sat on a chair across from Harry.

"I'm not sure. I was working outside in the garden. My wand was set to alert me in an emergency. I found him under the water in the tub after the alarm." Harry shivered. "He's done nothing but complain about the cleansing charms, yet he refused my offer to assist him in a bath. I knew he was up; maybe he just wanted to bathe privately. He's still so weak…" Harry trailed off.

"Yes, he probably couldn't help himself if he slid under the water." The mediwizard sighed. "We should consider…has anything happened recently where he may not want to save himself?"

"Suicide?" whispered Harry. "Snape doesn't seem the type."

"Is there a certain type? Many people of all "types" can be driven to suicide with the right motivation. It should be looked into as a possibility." The mediwizard looked closely at Harry. Harry began to feel like he was the one being examined. Harry certainly didn't want to discuss what he might know about suicide. He fidgeted, and then stood.

"Thank you for coming. I'm sure you will apprise Hypericia of the situation. You'll need to Floo to leave as you did coming in. My wards aren't set to allow you to apparate." Harry held out his hand; the mediwizard stood up and shook hands with him.

"I hope the rest of your day is uneventful" said the mediwizard.

"Thank you again," responded Harry. The mediwizard used the Floo to return to St Mungo's. Harry sank down into the sofa once more. 'He was just too weak to get out of the tub. I know he was upset after Minerva came yesterday, but suicide. No, not that. No.' Harry shivered again picturing that skeletal scarred form lying still on his bathroom floor. 'It was just an accident. Stubborn prat should have let me help.' Harry got up and went to clean up and prepare dinner, needing to be occupied.

Snape slept through dinner and Harry retired early. He lay in bed thinking on the day's events. 'Was he embarrassed? Is that why he wouldn't let me help him bathe? He looked at me so funny when I offered. He called me a pervert too. Was it just his scarring or does he think it's sexual? Scars are nothing offensive to me and like I really want to make advances on a sickly gaunt old former professor who got his jollies by making me miserable.' Harry snorted. He lay awake a long time but he just couldn't figure out Professor Severus Snape.

***

Harry startled awake. Had he heard something? It was quiet now and there was no alarm from his wand. What was that? A moan, a groan, Harry couldn't be sure but there was something. He got out from bed and stepped into the hall. It was quiet again and all he heard was the pat pat sound of his bare feet on the wood floor. There it was again! A soft whimper came from Snape's room. Harry opened the door a bit to peek into the room. Snape was tossing and turning is his bed, the blankets were off and the top sheet was twisted around him. Snape's bony fingers clawed at the restraining sheet, but he didn't have the strength to undo it. He was sweating and making soft sad sounds. Harry walked close to the bed and sat on the edge. Snape froze. Harry reached out and lightly placed his hand on Snape's shoulder.

"Wake up, you're having a nightmare," he whispered. Snape remained still for a moment before his nightmare overcame him again. Snape began struggling again and ground his teeth together as if desperate to make a sound yet frightened to cry out.

"Wake up" said Harry in a louder voice, shaking Snape lightly. Snape's eyes flew open in panic and he jerked away from Harry.

"Shhh! It's okay, you were having a nightmare. You're alright." Harry said soothingly. Snape stared at him with wide eyes, panting from the exertion of his nightmare. "It's okay. It's okay." Harry was rubbing his shoulder gently. "Nightmares seem so real. I know. But you're here in bed at my house and it was a dream." Harry straightened the sheet so Snape would be more comfortable and was surprised when Snape covered his face with his hands and curled up as tightly as he could manage. Harry could see his shoulders shaking. 'Is he crying?' Harry thought incredulously. Harry moved so that he was sitting on the bed with his back resting against the headboard. He hesitantly reached out and pulled Snape into his arms, holding Snape to his chest. Snape stiffened and then turned his face into Harry's chest and began to weep quietly. Harry stroked his short hair and rubbed his back and spoke soft words of comfort. Snape clutched him, making little sound but his body quivered and Harry's shirt became damp. Harry could feel Snape relax under his soothing touches and soon the tremble abated and the tears stopped. Neither moved, each finding solace in the moment.

"No one ever came," said Snape's muffled voice.

"I did," replied Harry.

"Why?"

"Because I discovered that I care," said Harry. Snape was quiet for long time and Harry suspected he was asleep.

"Where did you get that scar on your belly?" asked Snape. Harry jumped a little, nearly asleep himself.

"I gave it to myself." Harry hoped that Snape didn't wish to delve too deep there. It had been a dark time for Harry; one he felt that he was past.

"Why?"

Harry sighed. "There's a song, Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it has a line 'Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive'. I thought I wanted to die that night. What was there left for me? I had done everything that was expected of me and…well…bleeding was enough. I decided not to die. I left the scar."

"There is nothing left for me," said Snape in a quiet resigned voice. "I should be dead."

"I have some understanding of what can drive a person to feel like that, but you mustn't think that way, Professor." Harry was insistent.

"Severus."

"What?" said Harry.

"I am not a professor. Not yours for a long time now and won't be one again. You may call me Severus." Severus sighed.

"Is that what you discussed so long with Minerva?"

"Minerva and I have known each other a long time. We worked together both in the Order and at Hogwarts' besides once being my professor. She truly believed I was dead and you were chasing shadows. She updated me on many things, politics, Hogwarts', people, until I began to suspect that she was trying to avoid something. I finally got her to talk of uncomfortable subjects. All my possessions are gone. Minerva kept my things in storage for a time, but after some years they were either sold and the money given to charity or the Dark items were destroyed. I had no will and no kin. My account at Gringotts' was given over to charity as well." Severus stopped to swallow and moisten his throat. Harry retrieved a glass of water for him, which he gratefully drank. Harry set the glass back on the bedside table. Severus shifted away from Harry and, taking the hint, he helped Severus settle comfortably on the bed. Harry moved to sit on the bed facing Severus.

"Most possessions can be replaced," said Harry sensibly. "And the ministry will owe you some recompense for their ineptitude at the least. And I …"

"The ministry will do nothing for me. Do you really think they wanted to find me?" said Snape contemptuously. "Do you really believe that they couldn't have found me?"

"Are you suggesting that they purposefully didn't find you?"

"I was in a muggle hospital for several weeks following the last battle." Harry nodded, he had found out that. "I was in the local muggle papers, since I was unconscious and they were trying to identify me. You'd think the ministry would have checked. Then I was transferred to another facility, why? So perhaps I couldn't be found?"

"What you're suggesting is even worse; that you were hidden on purpose. But why not just kill you? You were an easy target. On the other hand it explains all the lost paperwork, typos that changed your name and other misdirects my investigators came up against. And it was a muggle in the end that found you." Harry pondered briefly before continuing. "Still, we'll need to look into it. But that doesn't mean you have nothing. What about Hogwarts'?"

"Minerva has no position for me." Severus said flatly.

"What! Really? After all your years?" Harry was surprised.

"You did not listen. I said that 'I am not a professor. Not yours for a long time now and won't be one again'. Minerva has a skilled potion professor who has been on staff six years and has no intention of letting him go. I got the impression that he has a far more congenial personality than I. And the DADA position has been held for the last three years by one person, thus breaking the 'curse' and Minerva will not tempt fate there by making any changes."

"I'm really surprised at Minerva. But I…" Harry was interrupted again.

"Some of my possessions may have disturbed her. They were clearly Dark Arts material. There have also been rumors of my loyalty. That I stood with Dumbledore in the end because I chose to be on the winning side not necessarily the right side." Severus sneered.

Harry sighed. "Well Severus, you are not by any means a congenial person but you are a good person." Severus snickered. "Dumbledore always expressed complete faith in you, despite however many times I doubted you. He never told me why, just that's the way it was." Harry took a deep breath and let it out noisily. "So you have no possessions, no money and no job. I hate to say it, but you are certainly not the first person to find yourself in that situation. I think you need to look on this as a fresh start. Possessions can be replaced; money can be made again; new employment can be found. Here are a few things you can count on: I believe in you; my home is your home and I will support you in whatever way I can. So no more melancholic Snape, tomorrow we will plan." Harry took Severus' hand and squeezed, hoping he got his message across. Severus after a pause returned the squeeze.

Harry got up and made sure Severus was comfortable.

"Goodnight Severus."

"Goodnight Harry."

Could tonight have been anymore strange?