A/N: Note the rating change to R. Some may find this chapter disturbing as it discusses an adult having sex with a minor. Don't read if that bothers you but I wrote what the characters spoke to me and it took a dark turn.
Chapter 11: A Long Dark Night
"Tell me what happened," said Harry. He and Severus sat in their overstuffed chairs before the stone fireplace, the younger man keeping his gaze firmly on the other. 'This has become our time to talk, at night with just the firelight,' Harry thought, tucking his feet under him. 'Maybe it's easier to open up when it's not so bright.'
Earlier that day, after drafting a grant proposal to the White Bumblebee Foundation, Severus had gone to Hogwarts. There were several rare books in the Restricted Section of the library that he wanted to review. Harry spent a domestic day at home caring for Dudley. While eating dinner with Hypericia, Severus returned. He swept into the cottage, pale-faced and thin-lipped, slammed the door and disappeared down into the potions lab. Harry managed to coax him out much later after assurances that Hypericia had left and that the Dursleys had retired.
Severus sat now in 'his' chair with arms wrapped around his chest, feet flat on the floor, staring into the fire.
"Severus, what happened?" asked Harry.
"I went to Hogwarts. It was as you said, physically painful to return." Severus stopped for a long pause before continuing. "I went directly to the library. Madame Pince was surprised to see me but seemed happy to tell me of some recent acquisitions. I thought nothing of her sending off a student on an errand; I did it all the time. I began my work. Madame Pince was clearly watching me but I ignored her, after all, I was considered dead for seven years and am now something of curiosity. When two professors arrived, I knew she had sent for them."
"Who arrived?"
"Professors Corner and Chamberlain. They introduced themselves and prattled. Chamberlain asked after you." Severus looked over at Harry.
Harry shrugged, "He flirted with me."
"He looks to be the type."
"What type is that?" Harry asked.
"A flirt. I never would have supposed a genetic relationship between him and Longbottom," said Severus. "He did not study at Hogwarts."
Harry chuckled. "They seem quite different on the surface, don't they? I've only met Winston the one time, so I don't really know him. Why do you think that Madam Pince sent for them?"
"Because they stayed to watch me. After I excused myself from their blabber and returned to work, they sat at a table where they could view me easily. They did no research, had no books, they just talked quietly. Madam Pince did not quiet them. They directed students away from the Restricted Section."
"But why?"
"As the atmosphere was completely disagreeable, I found myself unable to concentrate on taking notes, so I decided to talk to Minerva. Corner and Chamberlain insisted on walking with me to the headmistress's office and kept me 'company' until Minerva arrived."
"Did Dumbledore's portrait speak to you?" asked Harry.
Severus swallowed, "Later." He turned from Harry to stare into the fire again.
"Go on, Severus," Harry prompted.
"Minerva arrived and dismissed Corner and Chamberlain. I asked her why I was being watched and escorted. She sat behind her desk and looked at me for a long time before she spoke. 'Severus,' she said 'as headmistress I must put my students and their welfare before everything, even my own feelings.' 'Of course,' I said, 'but how does that relate to me?' 'There has been talk concerning sexual misconduct on your part with a minor.' I was too stunned to speak. She also told me that the Ministry is considering opening a formal investigation." Severus lowered his gaze, eyes unfocused. Harry doubted that he actually saw the floor.
"Shit Severus, who did you piss off? An investigation without charges, just hearsay?" Harry ran both hands through his hair. "Did she say anything else, like who is talking?"
Severus shook his head. "I left in a daze after that."
"What did Dumbledore's portrait say?" Harry waited and got no response. "Severus, what did he say?"
Severus swallowed several times before whispering, "He said he had complete faith in me." Severus leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees and masked his face with his hands.
Harry stared at Severus, taking in his new posture, and then slowly stood. "Bloody fucking hell, Severus, you didn't!" Harry waited for Severus to yell at him for being an idiot or to deny it vehemently or to do something other than sit, hunched, face hidden.
Severus muttered, "Once," behind his hands.
"Fuck," Harry began pacing. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. How could you!" Harry shouted. "You were a teacher!" Severus didn't move from his cowered position, his body clearly trembling. Harry continued pacing for several minutes before dropping back into his chair.
"Who was it?" Harry demanded.
"Michael Mulciber." Harry remembered the boy. Michael was the backup Slytherin seeker and three years younger than him. He had curly black hair, a slim seeker build and quick reflexes.
"When?"
"February before the final battle."
"Only once? Only him?"
"Once, just once and only him."
"Did you force him? Did you hurt him?" Harry's stomach twisted around inside him. "Did you penetrate him?"
"Yes," Severus' voice was muffled by his hands. "I penetrated him."
Harry leaped to his feet and Severus flinched. "He was fourteen!" Harry hissed and Severus nodded. Harry looked down on him for a moment before stalking into the kitchen. He paced there where he could no longer look at Severus.
Seventh year had been hell for Harry as for many others. Voldemort's attacks were increasingly horrific as his desperation mounted. Harry witnessed multitudes of deaths, both in person and through his visions. Harry began seeking comfort through sex. Years later he realized that while having sex with all those girls was certainly enjoyable, he really just wanted the comfort of sleeping next to the warmth of a living being. 'And what was Severus going through then?' thought Harry. 'All the years he spent spying, always a breath from being discovered, especially near the end, how could he have been feeling?' Harry walked back to the living room. Severus had not moved. Here was a man who had once terrified Harry, sneer at the ready, insult waiting on his lips… and now Severus was a shriveled shadow, all his props kicked out from under him.
Harry sat once more, crossed his legs, crossed his arms and locked his eyes on Severus. "Explain."
Severus shuddered and, taking his hands from his face, he clasped them as if in prayer and rested his chin on them. His face was dry, pale and dull, and he spoke in a monotone.
"It was known that I did not care for women and Death Eaters would routinely offer their boys to me. I always declined. I explained that Albus was watchful and I could not jeopardize my position at Hogwarts. But I had no interest in children. I wanted to protect them, guide them away from what many were destined for, and not have sex with them. I understood my duty." Severus sighed. "Michael was offered many times." Severus paused again and closed his eyes. "I had killed that night; a man of the Order whose knowledge could have helped the Dark Lord. There was no escape and the man thanked me for killing him mercifully. Michael came to me while I was drinking firewhiskey in my office afterward. I gave in. I just wanted…" Severus' voice trailed off.
"Just wanted the warmth of life after the cold of death," said Harry.
Severus nodded. "Something like that. There was no one in my life in that way. He was not a virgin…"
"That doesn't make it right, Severus," Harry said.
"No, but I do not believe I hurt him." Harry and Severus sat listening to the popping of the pitch in the fire for a long while, both lost in thought.
"Dumbledore didn't know," said Harry.
"No. I couldn't bring myself to tell him of how I failed. He knew something was wrong but things were so bad then, it was easy to put the blame elsewhere. I began using a potion that rendered me impotent; I would not be tempted again. I planned on dying in the last battle, hopefully bringing many of the Dark Lord's faithful with me. I was to give my life in atonement. I failed that as well." Severus sighed. "Now someone knows and is using that information to make my mockery of a life even more miserable." Severus slumped back in his chair looking so lifeless that Harry concluded that this was what a person looked like after a Dementor's Kiss.
"Severus, look at me and tell me that you feel no sexual desire for children," said Harry.
Severus lifted his head and locked eyes with Harry. "I swear on Albus Dumbledore's spirit that I have no sexual interest in any child." Harry nodded and Severus let his head flop back.
"I am still appalled. I've never believed you to be an innocent," Severus snorted, "and I have no trouble accepting that you have killed people and that you've probably perpetrated other crimes." Severus gave a nod. "But this was a child and despite the fact that Michael was willing and experienced, what you did was wrong. You broke a very sacred trust." Harry stopped to clear his throat several times and watched as a tear slid down Severus' still face.
"I want another honest answer," said Harry. "Were you sexually abused as a child?"
"Yes," whispered Severus. "But it does not excuse my behavior."
"No, it doesn't. It explains some things though." Harry let his head fall back on the cushion as well and he watched the firelight skitter in random patterns across the ceiling. He jumped when Severus began speaking as Severus hadn't said anything that night without prompting first.
"I grew up believing my father to be a powerful man. My mother and I certainly found his fists powerful enough. When I was nine I found out that despite our pureblood status, my father was nothing more that an errand-boy for the Dark Lord. He was nearly a squib, unable to Apparate or to perform any of the Unforgivables; a sad joke of a wizard. Being an angry nine year old and an idiot, I taunted him with this knowledge during a beating. That was the first time he raped me, to show me just how much power the weakest wizard had over me."
Severus sat up to look at Harry, speaking more animatedly now. "He wanted to break me, instead he hardened something inside of me; my will to be everything my father was not. Where he was weak, I would be strong. Where he was ridiculed, I would be respected. Where he was a fool, I would be cunning." Severus eyes lit with passion. "I studied everything my father's paltry library contained. He often bought books on the Dark Arts only to find he was too weak to work the magic. I consumed those books, their very words were life-giving blood and as I came to understand them, my eyes were opened to possibilities I would have never conceived; life didn't have to be this way." Severus gave a long sigh.
"He continued to rape me routinely." The light in his eyes faded and his face became wan. "It became no longer physically painful but emotionally it was devastating. I hadn't learned yet how to harden my heart. He always made it sound like a chore; the garbage needs to be taken out no matter how disgusting you find it." Severus snorted. "Even ignoring my appearance did not discourage him, it just gave him more ammunition. 'This will teach you your place boy. You're filthy and ugly. No one wants you, not even me; I'm just doing my duty. You will amount to nothing and any success you have will be because of me.' I was thrilled when I got my Hogwarts letter; at last I could escape. I was warned not to speak of my home life unless I wanted to risk my mother's life. There was no need of the warning; I was too ashamed to speak of it." Severus stopped and his eyes lost focus.
"Hogwarts was not the salvation you were hoping for," said Harry.
"Yes and no," replied Severus, coming back to himself. "Hogwarts taught me that those possibilities that I dreamed of could become realities with enough work and I also learned how to go about tapping into the magic that Hogwarts doesn't teach.
"But I found no acceptance there. My father's poor reputation haunted me. Among purebloods, including your father and Black, I was ridiculed and as I would have nothing to do with mudbloods," Harry glared at him and Severus shrugged, "that's what they were to me then. I had no friends or companionship.
"In sixth year I came to Lucius Malfoy's attention for my potion-making abilities. I became useful. Lucius was a year ahead of me. He was also popular and beautiful and allowed me to associate with him; I fell for his flattery. Lucius presented me to the Dark Lord after graduation and I went willingly. Between Lucius and the Dark Lord, I thought I had found immense power and respect. The night I was marked was truly a celebration and the Dark Lord gave me a gift, my father. I tortured my father until he was insane before I killed him." Severus cold black eyes held Harry motionless. "I know my soul is blacker than hell because I still feel nothing about having done that." Harry forced himself to break the contact and try to make sense of his jumbled emotions, anger, sadness, disgust and empathy all fought a wretched war and his innards began to pain him.
"What made you leave?" whispered Harry.
"The Dark Lord raped me." Harry stared at Severus who seemed impassive. "I got too cocky and he put me in my place. Apparently he had a long conversation with my father before giving my father to me. I knew the Dark Lord had the power to break me, unlike my father. So I went to the only person I knew who had the power to withstand the Dark Lord. I returned to Hogwarts and literally threw myself at Dumbledore's feet. I told him everything. I didn't even understand what I wanted at that point, but whatever it was I knew that Dumbledore was best path to getting there.
"After I told him my entire unedited life story, he looked at me and said 'Oh my child, if only I had known" and then he held me while I cried from a heart I didn't know existed anymore." Severus' chin began to tremble. "I was given rooms at Hogwarts and spent hours upon hours talking with Albus. He made me believe that he cared, that I was worthy of being cared for, that my drive and ambition were not wrong just misdirected, that there was more power in restraint, that respect was earned, that…" Tears began coursing down his face and he choked on his words.
Harry moved off his chair and placed a hand on Severus' shoulder. Severus shoved it away. "I wanted Albus to be proud of me," he gasped. "I spied because I wanted to give something back for what Albus had given me. I failed him and now he's gone…" Severus buried his head in his hands again, sobbing, body shaking as the grief tore through him.
Harry hovered nearby, wondering what to do. Part of him wanted to comfort Severus for all the pain Severus had endured; another part wanted Severus out of his life for all horrible things Severus had done. 'This is where Dumbledore would tell me to remember my heart,' thought Harry 'but it's just as confused as the rest of me.' Harry knelt beside Severus' chair, rested his arms on the arm of the chair and laid his head on his arms. He watched Severus' agony. 'He has suffered,' Harry sighed. 'Is it enough? What would his life have been like if he had come from a loving home? Would he have done these things if he had? Does it make it any less wrong because he had such a horrible upbringing? Did he go to Dumbledore for anything else but protection? Does he understand right and wrong? Is it even that simple? Will it serve any purpose for me to turn him over to the Ministry?' Harry closed his eyes and tried to answer his own questions, but found Severus' keening washed away everything but Harry's own soul-penetrating sadness.
Severus was taking shaky gulps of air when Harry reached out and lightly touched his hand. Severus jerked away. Harry got up, poured two glass of firewhiskey and returned to Severus.
"Here, drink this, I don't have any calming potions," Harry held a glass to Severus. Severus took it with two trembling hands and stared into it. "It's just firewhiskey," said Harry bringing up his glass to his mouth, tipping his head back and emptying the glass in one smooth swallow. Severus shot down the contents of his glass and held it up for more. Harry poured another round and dropped into his chair. He closed his eyes and let the warmth of the firewhiskey work its way through his frazzled system. He opened his eyes and took a long look at Severus. Even a shadow is still animated but now Severus was a winter leaf long ago ripped from the tree, lifeless and disintegrating. Harry drained his second glass and set it aside.
"I don't even know where to begin," Harry said, "but I find that I still care about you." Severus raised his eyes to look at Harry in disbelief. "I don't believe giving you to the Ministry will make things right, therefore we are going to muddle through this somehow."
"No, you are better off-" Severus started, before Harry quickly interrupted.
"Yes, we will do this together. I know enough about me that given a different push in life, I could have easily have walked a path similar to yours." Severus snorted. "Believe what you may, but that is what I believe. I also believe in Albus Dumbledore and that you are worth caring about." Harry held Severus' eyes, wishing again for psychic abilities to get his message across.
"You made a mistake. A huge mistake, but I can see that it is one that truly bothers you. I don't believe you are a pedophile or that you are a risk to society. I feel that you've suffered enough." Harry leaned over and clasped one of Severus' hands in his two. "You've atoned for this long enough, Severus." Severus tugged his hand away. "But considering what you've told me of your life, I doubt you'll let it go easily." Severus shook his head. "Therefore the first thing we need to do is arrange for you to receive counseling."
"What?" asked Severus.
"Something like your talks with Dumbledore. I'm surprised that wizards don't have counselors but Muggles do. They are people trained to help people who've been hurt, like you, to work through their issues, learn to cope and help them heal. I will always be available for you to talk to but I don't have the knowledge or experience to truly help you heal. Your issues don't really stem from magic so we can use a Muggle counselor. They vow confidentiality but we can reinforce that."
"You want me to see a Muggle 'counselor'? Why are you doing all this?" Severus looked puzzled.
"Because I care. Because you are worth caring about."
"I don't understand how you could care about me, I am filth." Severus still looked confused. "And I've done nothing but make your life wretched both in school and now in your home. Why do you care?"
"Severus, we've been through this before and I doubt you'll believe my reasons now if you didn't believe them then. You'll just have to accept that I do. I care. I guess I'm just going to have to keep repeating that until it sinks in. And you don't always make my life wretched or why would you have turned down my bed, put out my night clothes or try to comfort me by telling me that I'm not tainted by the killing I've done?" Harry cocked his head and waited for an answer.
"Perhaps so you wouldn't wake me and so I wouldn't have to listen to your whining?" Severus sneered.
Harry chuckled, "Good to see you back in form, Severus. Will you go to see the counselor?"
"Yes," he muttered.
Harry sighed in relief. "Good. Next, do you think Michael Mulciber is talking?"
"No, that is quite puzzling. I was so ashamed afterward that I obliviated Michael. He shouldn't remember anything."
Harry's eyebrows knit together in bewilderment. "Did Michael ever approach you in public?"
"I taught my Slytherins to be discrete."
"Malfoy failed there, Severus, perhaps someone else wasn't so discrete." Harry chewed on his bottom lip. "Maybe the 'talker' is lying and is hoping the investigation, which will almost assuredly be leaked to the press, will be damaging enough even if you're found innocent. They may not even know about Michael."
"Plausible," said Severus. "And being questioned under Veritaserum would certainly reveal some crime, being a former Death Eater; perhaps someone is looking for an excuse to put me away."
Harry nodded. "We need to find Michael Mulciber and see if he's talked. I wonder if that face you saw sometimes during your internment is important. I think we should view those memories in the pensieve that Dumbledore left me."
Severus looked at Harry. "What face?"
"The man you said you saw. The same face, at different places, who seemed familiar but you couldn't place. You said it was a man but you couldn't name him." Harry was starting to feel a squirming worry in his belly.
"Harry, I have no idea what you're talking about." Severus said.
"Severus, we talked about it after one of Grant Moven's physical therapy sessions. I remember it clearly." The squirming was increasing.
Severus shook his head. "I remember that sadist Moven and we often talked after he left but I know nothing about a face."
Harry swallowed the squirm that was climbing up his throat. "Severus, I think you've been obliviated."
Severus stared.
"Even worse, I think it happened today at Hogwarts. Where else could it have happened? If it was Grant Moven or Hypericia, they would have done it long before you could have talked to me and you weren't recognized in Diagon Alley that one time. It had to be at Hogwarts." Harry got up and poured himself another drink. 'Maybe I can drown that squirm,' he thought.
"That will narrow down our suspects," said Severus. He appeared thoughtful. "Someone didn't want me to remember that for a reason. But they erred in not making sure that we hadn't discussed it."
"Yes," said Harry. "We're going to ferret this out and put an end to it." Harry drained his third glass of firewhiskey. "I can't think anymore Severus. It's time for bed and to let my subconscious work through this overwhelming amount of information."
Severus nodded. "I'm not sure how well I'll sleep knowing my mind has been fucked with. I may not like a lot of my memories but they are mine and no one has the right to tamper with them." He looked into his still full glass of firewhiskey and drained it. Both men headed up the stairs.
After the usual nighttime preparations were complete, Harry sat on the edge of his bed, fidgeting.
"What?" asked Severus. "After everything we've said tonight, there shouldn't be any taboo topics."
"Seventh year I found comfort by sleeping with someone. I usually seduced my way into some girl's bed, but I'm not talking about sex right now." Harry took a deep breath. "Would you like to sleep next to me? Just sleep, no sex. I think that you could use the comfort of a warm body beside you; I know I could. But if that makes you too uncomfortable, I understand, you don't seem to like me touching you."
"I…I feel dirty…and most of the touches I've received haven't been pleasant." Severus looked away from Harry.
"You're not dirty," said Harry. "People need to be touched and I won't do anything you find unpleasant. I'm not planning to do anything at all; I just want you sleep next to me."
Seeing that Severus was avoiding his gaze, Harry gave a reassuring smile. "It's okay Severus. I'm pushing too hard." Harry crawled into bed and murmured, "Goodnight."
Severus flicked off the lights and Harry heard him pacing. Then a weight settled on the edge of Harry's bed and Severus whispered, "Just sleep?"
"Yeah, just sleep," Harry whispered back.
Severus moved under the covers next to Harry. "The bed's too small," and Severus started to leave. Harry murmured an incantation and the bed grew back to its original size and the second bed disappeared.
"I'll change it back if you want," said Harry when Severus lay back down. Severus shook his head and he lay on his back, rigid with tension. "Try lying on your side, facing me," whispered Harry. Severus looked warily at Harry before turning to his side. Harry rolled onto his side and scooted close to Severus, his back to Severus' chest. Harry hoped that Severus felt more in control lying in this manner and after a time he felt Severus relax. Then an arm slid around Harry's waist and from the little hitches of breath and the trembling of his body Harry knew Severus was weeping quietly. Harry gently laid his hand over Severus' and let himself be held. As his repressed emotions eased, Severus' breath evened out again and Harry let the soft sound lull him into slumber.