Where I Belong-Interlude(?)
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*
Last Time:
It felt like a powerful wind had captured me and was picking me up to take me back. In my peripheral vision I saw movement and a great sense of relief flooded over me when I could make out Inuyasha's form with Sango and Miroku behind him.
'Oh God, they're alive.'
It was only a fleeting image, but I saw the look of rage on his face as he rushed to me screaming my name.
"DAMNIT! KAGOME YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I-"
I closed me eyes so I didn't have to see his panicked face. I could barely hear what he was saying, my ears felt like they were filled with wax. But it didn't matter, because I was swept away.
When I opened my eyes, I was at the bottom of the well. There were no vines to climb up, only a latter, and I could already smell the pollution hanging in the air.
I didn't want to open my eyes, afraid of what I wouldn't see. I was afraid I wouldn't see Shippo's cute toothy face or Miroku's lecherous grin, and Sango's easy smile. I was afraid of not seeing Inuyasha's mocking golden eyes.
I was so afraid to find that I was alone.
*
*
"The journey of spiritual growth requires courage and initiative and independence of thought and action. While the words of the prophets and the assistance of grace are available, the journey must still be traveled alone."
-M. Scott Peck
*
*
That's it, the incredible story of love and heartbreak. The story about finally being found, only to be lost again.
Still unconvinced? All right, understandable. But you have to admit, that was a pretty incredible story coming out of my unimaginative brain. But you still want to hear more? Right, you want me to continue a story that you don't even believe, that doesn't give me much incentive to continue.
It doesn't matter anyway. I'd like to tell you that I saw him again, that he lived through five hundred years and was waiting for me when I climbed out of the well. I'd like to tell you that he held me as I cried from the pain of being ripped away from that world. Maybe he would have cradled my chin in his palms and let his clothes and skin soak up the wetness. He might have even kissed my runny nose and told me I was so stupid for crying because he was right there and he loved me.
But he wasn't there. He wasn't there to make everything all right. No one was there for me when I cried so long and so hard I might have been washed away by it all. I felt delicate enough that even a slight breeze would have crumbled me.
I'm not sure how long I lay in the dark bottom of the well, but when the storm finally cleared my mother was there, lifting me out of my grave and pulling me to safety. I locked onto her body for support and she shielded me. There were no questions asked, no explanations. It was simply a mother holding her daughter, wishing her little girl never had to go through the pain of heartbreak. I think she knew all along I was falling in love, and I think she knew it would be impossible for anything to exist between us. We were completely people from completely different times. Hell, we weren't even of the same species.
I love my mom, and she was always there when I needed her, always watching from the sidelines in case I screwed up. And she was there when I needed her now. It must have pained her to see her daughter fall in love with a guy who probably didn't even love her back.
I was so lost in the depth of my heartbreak and loss, I probably couldn't find my way to my own house. I just couldn't keep myself from falling apart. But you see, it wasn't just the heartbreak. It was losing the best friend I had ever had. It was losing some of the most wonderful people I had ever met. I was waking up from an extraordinary dream, and left desolate because my fairy tale was taken away from me again.
What happened to me?
How did I become so breakable?
All of my dreams lied in the past, and now those dreams were shattered. Just like I was shattered.
No matter what you think, or what you say, your family will always be the most important people to you in your entire life. I know at times they embarrass you or smother you, but it's always out of love, it's always just to see you laugh. It's just to give you the comfort and protection from the world.
It's hard, because when your little, your parents are your heroes, always saying how wonderful things are and making you believe. But then you grow up, and you feel bitter towards them because they lied. Somehow they set up this illusion of a perfect world, but then you find out how corrupted it really is, and the illusion is gone. You wake up and you hate them for giving you false hope.
But you could never be more wrong.
They know that you will have to face the world someday. They just want you to remember that there is good. They want you to know that they will always be there to stand you up when you fall.
But we need to understand that we are weak and have a lack of understanding. We don't seem to realize that of course there's pain, it's part of living, it reminds us of our limitations. It reminds us that we have to depend on someone. But for some reason we only focus on the pain and not the good things. They come hand in hand; without one, neither would exist. If there was no pain, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness. Pain is there to humble us, to help us understand.
People cry because they feel like they cant hold anything in anymore, they can't control what they want to feel. They fear being alone, of never having anyone to understand them and show them a way out. The tears just all leaks out, slow or fast, loud or quite sobs of agony and failure. It just builds up so much that your body refuses to hold it in anymore. You feel so weak ashamed because you showed a flaw in your emotions, but once it starts up you cant seem to stop it. Your face becomes a river of uncontrollable tears that will cease to stop until your dry and empty inside.
So I cried on my bed while my mother rubbed my back and sang to me like when I was little, just so I could remember the good times.
My whole family was wonderful to me. Despite the fact that I was home, I wasn't able or ready to face school just yet. So everyday my brother collected my homework and even borrowed notes from my friends. He sat with me everyday, just to talk with me and remind me that I still had a life here.
I was surprised that Grandpa didn't even try any charms on the well to see if he could get it working again. I guess he knew that it would give me false hope, but I also knew that no matter what, I couldn't go back. I tried, but the magic was just gone.
Mom was practically living in the kitchen, cooking all of my favorite foods. At first I didn't have an appetite for it, but that didn't last for long.
And guess who else came by? No, really, guess.
Mr. Wonderful, Hojo himself. He came by pretty frequently to give me candles and gifts that would make me feel better. Of course he is always doing that, but I wasn't really sick then so I never used them. Those aroma candles sure made sleeping easier. He really was sweet about everything, telling me how everyone at school missed me. I felt really bad about leading him on, so I finally told him how I felt. I felt so bad about it and I was in a very emotional state, so I started crying. Poor Hojo thought he had done something wrong to make me cry, so I hurriedly told him that he was one of the sweetest guys I knew but we could never be more than just friends. I could see he was disappointed, but it was only for a brief moment before he had on his silly smile again.
"Sure Kagome" he said. "You are a wonderful person too and that's why I wanted to go out with you so much, but I would really like being friends with you, if just to see your smile everyday."
Awwwww. Isn't that a tearjerker? He had me sobbing by the time he was finished so he hugged me and told me he would be back the next day.
People like him made me believe that the world wasn't coming to an end, just because one number of its population was unhappy. There were so many other people out there who were hurting too. So I thought carefully and came to this conclusion:
You can pretend that the world is safe, and all the people in it are protected and happy. But it's not all true. And you have to go through so much to make people believe everything is all right and painless. How convincing we must be, to give people this illusion. All the trust is gone, we turn our backs, we watch people drift away. And from all this we hide. We aren't doing anyone any favors by lying to them. It hurts ten times worst when we aren't prepared to face the lies. It's harder to look out the window when the glass is finally cleaned and you see things for what they really are. But the worst of it is, is that no one is there to give a hand and help someone through the mess, because you don't want to face it yourself. No one has to go through life alone. No one should go through life alone. Don't be afraid to share the bad experiences with someone. Because what goes up must come down, and where there are enemies, there are friends, where there is bad, there is good, and where there is hate, there is love.
You always have your family there to love you and you always have compassionate friends who care about you. In reality, you are never really alone because there are so many others going some sort of loss too. So why should I just pity myself when there are millions of others out there?
If people can deal with shit like that everyday, so can I. I will never forget Inuyasha or my friends, but I CAN move on.
I still had a future. I could still go to school and make something of myself. I could still travel the world and meet so many people to talk to and share dreams with. There was so much I could do, I just had to act.
I can live again.
*
*
*
Sorry it's on the short side. I wasn't sure how to make this into a chapter, so lets pretend that it's some kind of Interlude. Part of the story came from a short story of mine over at fictionpress. I put some of it in here because I liked it and I liked the mood it set. In case you haven't noticed, Kagome is telling this like a flashback. She is really a twenty four year old, telling part of her childhood. Sorry if it's confusing, but in the next chapter, the story will start in the present when she is a twenty four year old. No more flashbacks after this.
***Thanks to those of you who have reviewed! It means a lot to me! I'm not exactly sure where I'm heading with this anymore, but I will continue it. If it ends up being a waste of time, I will probably make it a short story with some fluff to make people happy. I can't leave it ending like this can I?
*
*
Last Time:
It felt like a powerful wind had captured me and was picking me up to take me back. In my peripheral vision I saw movement and a great sense of relief flooded over me when I could make out Inuyasha's form with Sango and Miroku behind him.
'Oh God, they're alive.'
It was only a fleeting image, but I saw the look of rage on his face as he rushed to me screaming my name.
"DAMNIT! KAGOME YOU CAN'T LEAVE! I-"
I closed me eyes so I didn't have to see his panicked face. I could barely hear what he was saying, my ears felt like they were filled with wax. But it didn't matter, because I was swept away.
When I opened my eyes, I was at the bottom of the well. There were no vines to climb up, only a latter, and I could already smell the pollution hanging in the air.
I didn't want to open my eyes, afraid of what I wouldn't see. I was afraid I wouldn't see Shippo's cute toothy face or Miroku's lecherous grin, and Sango's easy smile. I was afraid of not seeing Inuyasha's mocking golden eyes.
I was so afraid to find that I was alone.
*
*
"The journey of spiritual growth requires courage and initiative and independence of thought and action. While the words of the prophets and the assistance of grace are available, the journey must still be traveled alone."
-M. Scott Peck
*
*
That's it, the incredible story of love and heartbreak. The story about finally being found, only to be lost again.
Still unconvinced? All right, understandable. But you have to admit, that was a pretty incredible story coming out of my unimaginative brain. But you still want to hear more? Right, you want me to continue a story that you don't even believe, that doesn't give me much incentive to continue.
It doesn't matter anyway. I'd like to tell you that I saw him again, that he lived through five hundred years and was waiting for me when I climbed out of the well. I'd like to tell you that he held me as I cried from the pain of being ripped away from that world. Maybe he would have cradled my chin in his palms and let his clothes and skin soak up the wetness. He might have even kissed my runny nose and told me I was so stupid for crying because he was right there and he loved me.
But he wasn't there. He wasn't there to make everything all right. No one was there for me when I cried so long and so hard I might have been washed away by it all. I felt delicate enough that even a slight breeze would have crumbled me.
I'm not sure how long I lay in the dark bottom of the well, but when the storm finally cleared my mother was there, lifting me out of my grave and pulling me to safety. I locked onto her body for support and she shielded me. There were no questions asked, no explanations. It was simply a mother holding her daughter, wishing her little girl never had to go through the pain of heartbreak. I think she knew all along I was falling in love, and I think she knew it would be impossible for anything to exist between us. We were completely people from completely different times. Hell, we weren't even of the same species.
I love my mom, and she was always there when I needed her, always watching from the sidelines in case I screwed up. And she was there when I needed her now. It must have pained her to see her daughter fall in love with a guy who probably didn't even love her back.
I was so lost in the depth of my heartbreak and loss, I probably couldn't find my way to my own house. I just couldn't keep myself from falling apart. But you see, it wasn't just the heartbreak. It was losing the best friend I had ever had. It was losing some of the most wonderful people I had ever met. I was waking up from an extraordinary dream, and left desolate because my fairy tale was taken away from me again.
What happened to me?
How did I become so breakable?
All of my dreams lied in the past, and now those dreams were shattered. Just like I was shattered.
No matter what you think, or what you say, your family will always be the most important people to you in your entire life. I know at times they embarrass you or smother you, but it's always out of love, it's always just to see you laugh. It's just to give you the comfort and protection from the world.
It's hard, because when your little, your parents are your heroes, always saying how wonderful things are and making you believe. But then you grow up, and you feel bitter towards them because they lied. Somehow they set up this illusion of a perfect world, but then you find out how corrupted it really is, and the illusion is gone. You wake up and you hate them for giving you false hope.
But you could never be more wrong.
They know that you will have to face the world someday. They just want you to remember that there is good. They want you to know that they will always be there to stand you up when you fall.
But we need to understand that we are weak and have a lack of understanding. We don't seem to realize that of course there's pain, it's part of living, it reminds us of our limitations. It reminds us that we have to depend on someone. But for some reason we only focus on the pain and not the good things. They come hand in hand; without one, neither would exist. If there was no pain, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness. Pain is there to humble us, to help us understand.
People cry because they feel like they cant hold anything in anymore, they can't control what they want to feel. They fear being alone, of never having anyone to understand them and show them a way out. The tears just all leaks out, slow or fast, loud or quite sobs of agony and failure. It just builds up so much that your body refuses to hold it in anymore. You feel so weak ashamed because you showed a flaw in your emotions, but once it starts up you cant seem to stop it. Your face becomes a river of uncontrollable tears that will cease to stop until your dry and empty inside.
So I cried on my bed while my mother rubbed my back and sang to me like when I was little, just so I could remember the good times.
My whole family was wonderful to me. Despite the fact that I was home, I wasn't able or ready to face school just yet. So everyday my brother collected my homework and even borrowed notes from my friends. He sat with me everyday, just to talk with me and remind me that I still had a life here.
I was surprised that Grandpa didn't even try any charms on the well to see if he could get it working again. I guess he knew that it would give me false hope, but I also knew that no matter what, I couldn't go back. I tried, but the magic was just gone.
Mom was practically living in the kitchen, cooking all of my favorite foods. At first I didn't have an appetite for it, but that didn't last for long.
And guess who else came by? No, really, guess.
Mr. Wonderful, Hojo himself. He came by pretty frequently to give me candles and gifts that would make me feel better. Of course he is always doing that, but I wasn't really sick then so I never used them. Those aroma candles sure made sleeping easier. He really was sweet about everything, telling me how everyone at school missed me. I felt really bad about leading him on, so I finally told him how I felt. I felt so bad about it and I was in a very emotional state, so I started crying. Poor Hojo thought he had done something wrong to make me cry, so I hurriedly told him that he was one of the sweetest guys I knew but we could never be more than just friends. I could see he was disappointed, but it was only for a brief moment before he had on his silly smile again.
"Sure Kagome" he said. "You are a wonderful person too and that's why I wanted to go out with you so much, but I would really like being friends with you, if just to see your smile everyday."
Awwwww. Isn't that a tearjerker? He had me sobbing by the time he was finished so he hugged me and told me he would be back the next day.
People like him made me believe that the world wasn't coming to an end, just because one number of its population was unhappy. There were so many other people out there who were hurting too. So I thought carefully and came to this conclusion:
You can pretend that the world is safe, and all the people in it are protected and happy. But it's not all true. And you have to go through so much to make people believe everything is all right and painless. How convincing we must be, to give people this illusion. All the trust is gone, we turn our backs, we watch people drift away. And from all this we hide. We aren't doing anyone any favors by lying to them. It hurts ten times worst when we aren't prepared to face the lies. It's harder to look out the window when the glass is finally cleaned and you see things for what they really are. But the worst of it is, is that no one is there to give a hand and help someone through the mess, because you don't want to face it yourself. No one has to go through life alone. No one should go through life alone. Don't be afraid to share the bad experiences with someone. Because what goes up must come down, and where there are enemies, there are friends, where there is bad, there is good, and where there is hate, there is love.
You always have your family there to love you and you always have compassionate friends who care about you. In reality, you are never really alone because there are so many others going some sort of loss too. So why should I just pity myself when there are millions of others out there?
If people can deal with shit like that everyday, so can I. I will never forget Inuyasha or my friends, but I CAN move on.
I still had a future. I could still go to school and make something of myself. I could still travel the world and meet so many people to talk to and share dreams with. There was so much I could do, I just had to act.
I can live again.
*
*
*
Sorry it's on the short side. I wasn't sure how to make this into a chapter, so lets pretend that it's some kind of Interlude. Part of the story came from a short story of mine over at fictionpress. I put some of it in here because I liked it and I liked the mood it set. In case you haven't noticed, Kagome is telling this like a flashback. She is really a twenty four year old, telling part of her childhood. Sorry if it's confusing, but in the next chapter, the story will start in the present when she is a twenty four year old. No more flashbacks after this.
***Thanks to those of you who have reviewed! It means a lot to me! I'm not exactly sure where I'm heading with this anymore, but I will continue it. If it ends up being a waste of time, I will probably make it a short story with some fluff to make people happy. I can't leave it ending like this can I?