-Chapter 4-

Asuka refused to say anything at all to me at school, although she did throw a few more angry glares than usual. Usually she only concerns herself with looking pretty, being the center of attention, and tormenting Ikari-kun. I have often wished to end her teasing and ridicule. I haven't because to confront Asuka would only fuel her hatred and anger. More than that, it is not my fight and I am even unsure if Ikari-kun really wants her to stop. Some believe that Ikari-kun is weak and a coward for not standing up to Asuka. I think he is brave and strong for enduring.

I remember when he first had set foot in the classroom. It was only a few days after he had risked his life for me, volunteering to pilot in my place with no training. I was intrigued by this young man. What was I to him that he would gamble with his very existence so that I may live? Only one other person had done that. Commander. Why did these two men care so much for me? It was as if they were...my family?

But I don't have a family, I told myself. Yet there was something familiar about them both. When I look at Commander's eyes, I see them soften as though he sees someone else when he looks at me. And there is a feeling that this is his true self, the side he hides from the world and from himself because it hurts too much to remember. It is then that I feel I have seen this side of him in some other time, not as myself but as someone beyond myself.

And Ikari-kun. Around him there is an oddly stirring thought that wells up deep within me. When I look at him it is as though I am seeing a long lost boy who had grown up in my absence. It is a strange feeling of both pride and sorrow. I must remind myself that I was never a mother. But still...the feeling is there.

Ikari-kun sat hunched over in his desk, his dark brown hair shaded his eyes. Past him, I saw Asuka talking to her school friends. She was sitting on top of her desk with the Class Representative standing to her right. They were gossiping, giggling, and ignoring the stares of the boys. The Class Representative's pigtails swayed side to side as she laughed; Toji's eyes moved to watch them, growing wide. I saw the Class Representative peek out of the corner of her eye and found Toji watching her. She quickly turned away, blushing coyly.

Asuka seemed to notice the Class Representative's action and gave Toji a look of disdain, which Toji didn't seem to notice. Before she turned back to her school friends, Asuka saw me silently observing them. She quickly shot another spiteful glare in my direction, stuck out her tongue, and turned back to the Class Representative, flipping her long, auburn hair with a flick of the back of her hand. Shinji-kun seemed enraptured. His eyes went wide as though he planned to soak up that moment and store it upon a shelf within his mind. His mouth slacked open slightly as though he could breathe in her presence.

Asuka didn't seem to notice, but I saw. Shinji-kun continued to gaze at her, perhaps hoping that he might capture another memory in case his first glimpse faded away before he could bottle it up.

I turned away, facing the other direction, staring out the window. It was the closest distraction. I needed to think of these recent events. I stared out the window as I have done ever since I had met Ikari-kun, but this time, no thoughts came. The only thing I could see was Shinji-kun's reflection hovering above the city, and two red orbs that were like Angel cores staring back at me.

The water was cool and refreshing. It was good to be out of my plug suit and to be able to wash away the smell and feel of the LCL. LCL was necessary to oxygenate our blood while in the closed, cramped confines of the entry plug, but was not the most pleasing of liquids. It was somewhat sticky, almost slimy to the touch. It was bitter and sour. It smelt of blood. Even after a shower, I could still feel it.

I did gentle laps in the pool, letting the soft water caress my skin and felt its loose fingers snake through my hair. It was a Tuesday evening at nine-thirty and the swimming center was completely deserted. The high dome ceiling, the heavy silence that echoed off the light blue tiled walls, and the towering ivory colored columns gave the swimming center the feeling of a cathedral. Air bubbles escaped from my mouth and tickled my nose. I nearly laughed at the foreign feeling. As I reached the deep end of the pool I suddenly felt a strange tingling at the base of my neck. Someone was watching me.

I swam over to the shallow end and stood up in the water. Goosebumps accompanied by a cold prickling feeling replaced the water droplets on my exposed shoulders. I quietly blew out the stale air and glanced over towards the side of the pool where a lone figure stood.

Ikari-kun noticed that I caught him staring at me and tried to recover from his embarrassment.

"Uh...Ay-Ayanami," he stammered, his head down. "Pardon the intrusion. I didn't expect you to be here."

As I examined his clothing, I realized that this was the first time I have ever seen him in something other than his school clothes or plug suit. He was dressed in dark blue and black swimming trunks that reached a little above his knees. A long towel was draped across his left shoulder but other than that his chest was bare.

The nervousness in his voice and the trembling of his stance convinced me to speak.

"You needn't apologize, Ikari-kun. The pool is open to anyone who wishes to swim."

He nodded stiffly to this remark and then peeked his eyes up to look at me.

"D-do you mind if I come in?"

"Do as you will."

I waited for him as he placed his towel down on a nearby chair and nervously slipped into the water. He walked in two feet and then crouched down in the shallow end, clasping his arms around the front of his legs.

I stared curiously at him.

"Do you not wish to swim?" I asked.

He looked away for a moment, seemingly shrinking into himself.

"Ikari-kun?"

"I...don't know how..." was all he could say.

"I can teach you if you want."

"Humans aren't meant to float," he said as if by instinct.

"And they are meant to sink instead?" I countered.

He said nothing. He avoided my gaze as though he were ashamed of himself. I watched him as he suddenly stood in the shallow water that came up to his waist. He stepped forward until the dip in the pool caused the water level to go up past his chest, and then he fled back to the safety of the shallow end.

"I-I can't do it, Ayanami," he called from the other side of the pool.

"Then why did you come here?"

He said nothing.

"Do you fear living?" I asked.

"What?"

"Do you fear living?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Water is life, Ikari-kun. You need it. To fear water is to fear living. Don't be content to stand in the shallow end and watch the water slip past, Ikari-kun. The water is just as cold and salty at the shore as at the horizon, but the horizon has a much better view. There is always a chance of drowning, of being pulled under, but don't drown in the shallows where other may stand above you and laugh. Drown where no one can come close, where your memory can not be touched and defiled. Drown in a place far away from their prying eyes, where the water is so large and so deep and so vast that they cannot point to the area you died in with a finger. Let them sweep their hands against the horizon and say, 'This is where he died,' so that your presence will be felt everywhere, an all-encompassing force. Do this or don't step into the water."

He looked away from me, but didn't move besides that. I saw him close his eyes tightly as he began to slowly clench and unclench his right hand. He suddenly stood up and I thought that perhaps he would leave. Instead he took a wavering step towards me, and then another. The water came to the middle of his chest and he stopped. He looked at me with those deep blue sapphire eyes and slowly nodded his head.

"We will start slowly," I told him. "Learn first how to breathe. Take a deep breath. Place your face in the water and blow softly. When you feel your lungs are almost empty, turn your head to the side and breathe. Then start over."

I demonstrated this for him once and then watched as he imitated the movement. He did fine.

"Next, learn to use your arms."

I raised my hand and with the fingers spread.

"Close the fingers together, no gaps," I said as I brought my fingers together. "Slightly cupped."

I bent my fingers forward and he did likewise.

"Follow my example."

I placed my face into the water and began to show the proper movement of the arms. I stopped after a few demonstrations so that I could observe his form. He did fine.

"Now," I said, pushing myself off the side of the pool and swam into the deep water. "Come to me."

"Just to you, right?"

"Just to me," I assured him.

I saw a shiver of fear course through his body, but he took a deep breath and dove deep into the water. I backed up in the water leading him onward hoping that when he emerged from beneath the surface and found himself far from the shallow end that he would hopefully find in himself the confidence I knew he has.

He was halfway across the pool when he suddenly lifted up his head and stopped swimming. I suppose he had realized that something was wrong and that he should have reached the spot he had last seen me by now. As soon as he stopped swimming, he had a moment to look around, bewildered, before sinking downward. He flailed his arms wildly, sending up geysers of frothy water. His mouth slipped below the waves and shot back up again. A faint gurgling could be heard coming from the back of his throat.

"Ayanami, help me! Ayanami!!"

"Swim, Ikari-kun. You have to swim."

I watched as he struggled fiercely against the dark and swirling water that tugged at his body. His body slowly angled and fell horizontal to the water, and he whipped his arms and legs recklessly, pushing himself closer to the edge of the pool. Yet I could see that he was too exhausted, used up too much precious energy in the attempt to right himself in the water that he wouldn't make it. His breath came in gasps and one of those gasps was not synchronized to his head movement. It came as he plunged his face back into the water.

Horrified, I saw his body tense up as the shock of water flooding into his lungs must have registered in his brain. His swinging arms whipped once more at the heavy air and then slid below the waves.

"Shinji! No!!"

I plunged myself into the unforgiving water and chased after him into a place where the world becomes warped and distorted, wraps itself around you and beckons you to learn its secrets for a price. A price I was not willing to let Shinji pay if he wanted to.

A cold and almost clammy object brushed my hand. It was Shinji's right arm. I quickly followed the path of his arm to the shoulder joint and wrapped my right arm over his shoulder and under the armpit of his left arm. With my free hand I pulled us closer to the light that shone above us somewhere. We broke through the surface of the water as though we were tearing through a portal, escaping from some dark and forsaken dimension. I pulled him to the edge of the pool and gripped it tightly. I was breathing just as hard as he, not out of exertion, but out of terror. I could have lost him. I could have...

"Perhaps that's enough practice for one day," I managed to say.

I felt the faint motion of Shinji wearily nodding his head.