-Chapter 13-
I sat outside Shinji's room with Nerv's new emergency manual. For the past hour, Shinji's room had been completely silent. Presently I heard the sound of rustling sheets and the sound of bed springs shaking. I slipped the manual back into my waiting school bag and proceeded to open the door to Shinji's room.
I found him sitting on the edge of his bed, his back toward me. His legs were shaking from the disuse. His muscles had atrophied and he was weak. The thin, greenish blue hospital gown he wore was loose on his slim body, for all his gasping could barely be seen by the rising and falling of his chest. He leaned heavily on the bed as he placed his bare feet upon the cold tiled floor. Slowly and painfully he attempted to coax his debilitated muscles into movement. He winced every moment that his feet were not resting on solid ground. When he saw me, he immediately seemed to panic as his eyes went wide for a moment and he stumbled, falling against the bed.
I saw a look of pain in his eyes. Not just from his walking or his fall; it was a look of disgrace, as though he was ashamed to be seen like this in my presence. I did not know what to do. Was I expected to help him or was I suppose to wait until he asked? The seconds continued to pass by, emphasized by the faint ticking of the clock above the doorway.
"Do you.require assistance, Pilot Ikari?"
He turned his head away, but slowly nodded his head.
"I-I have to go."
I set my school bag upon the chair next to the bed and stood beside Shinji. Bending down, I placed my shoulder beneath his armpit and wrapped my arm around his waist. He managed to get his left arm around my shoulders and together we made our way to the bathroom.
Using my foot, I pushed open the door and held it as he shuffled inside. I waited patiently outside. A nurse walked past.
"Oh, Miss Ayanami," she said. "Pilot Ikari's food is being prepared now. It should be ready in a few minutes. Would you come and get it for him? We're short of staff today."
"Hai."
She quickly walked off down the hall. In a few minutes I heard the sound of running water from the bathroom and Shinji opened the door. I helped him back to his bed. He sat with his knees close to his chest, his hands holding them there.
"How's Asuka?" he asked.
"She has not yet awakened."
He leaned his chin on his knees. Silence dominated in the room. I sought a way to dispel this silence.
"I have been asked to bring you your food. I will return."
I almost turned away until that first sob reached my ears. I looked over my shoulder at Shinji. He had balled up his fist, pressing the back of his hand under his nose. His body shook as he cried. A thought stirred deep within. A thought to try to comfort him. I couldn't leave him, not like that.
I slowly walked back to his bed where he had curled up, burying his face into the crook of his elbow. I gently wrapped my arms around his slim body, and leaned my chin on his shoulder. For a moment, he half-hearted tried to push me away, but I did not yield and soon he ceased his struggling. I felt his bitter tears roll down his cheeks to wet and darken the sleeve of my school uniform. I held tighter and did not let go until the last of his tears fell.
"I need to leave now," I whispered in his ear. "I will be back with your food."
"I'm not hungry."
"You should eat something. You will need your strength. Commander has arranged for you to return in two days."
"Father..." Shinji said softly. He looked down at his hands. "Rei?" he whispered.
"Yes, Shinji-kun."
"Do you think Asuka will be okay?"
"Asuka is a strong girl. She will survive."
Shinji nodded.
"She is strong," he agreed. "Much stronger than I am. I'm sure she'll be fine soon. Right, Ayanami?"
I had not recently checked on the Second Child. I only knew that she was still unconscious, but as I looked at Shinji I saw that even in his weakened state he refused to let down his barriers, would not exist without his filters in place. He wanted me to be his filter, to tell him how the world is and will be and if he should keep living here. If he could not live here, he would hide away until the time came when he could.
But, I wondered. What if that day never comes? When we cease to have a purpose, when we lose our identity, when we can no longer justify our existence, then we must die.
I believed that Asuka was part of his purpose, why he kept fighting. If Shinji lost his purpose, his reason for continuing this struggle of living, then he would simply stop fighting and slip beneath the bitter waters into the waiting darkness below.
I did not want Shinji-kun to die. If not for his sake, then for mine. And for Commander.
"I have not met another whose belief in themselves equaled hers," I said. "She will survive, Shinji-kun. Believe in her."
He nodded slowly.
I left.
As I made my way towards the dining commons, I checked the intensive care wing. It was the first time I had seen Asuka since the attack and she was not well.
Her face was emancipated, her cheeks hollowed out. There were deep grooves carved into the flesh below her eyes. Her lips were cracked and peeling. Her hair no longer held the same shine in the sunlight. A cardiograph monitored her heartbeat. An IV bag hung above her bed with the two tubes set firmly into her arm. The translucent mask strapped over her mouth and nose fed her a constant supply of oxygen.
She looked as though she would blow apart with a breath. Looking through the small window to the room, I could almost see Unit Two as it had leaned against the armory building so long ago; its eyes dim. If Asuka's eyes were opened, they would have been even dimmer.
I left quickly.
I sat outside Shinji's room with Nerv's new emergency manual. For the past hour, Shinji's room had been completely silent. Presently I heard the sound of rustling sheets and the sound of bed springs shaking. I slipped the manual back into my waiting school bag and proceeded to open the door to Shinji's room.
I found him sitting on the edge of his bed, his back toward me. His legs were shaking from the disuse. His muscles had atrophied and he was weak. The thin, greenish blue hospital gown he wore was loose on his slim body, for all his gasping could barely be seen by the rising and falling of his chest. He leaned heavily on the bed as he placed his bare feet upon the cold tiled floor. Slowly and painfully he attempted to coax his debilitated muscles into movement. He winced every moment that his feet were not resting on solid ground. When he saw me, he immediately seemed to panic as his eyes went wide for a moment and he stumbled, falling against the bed.
I saw a look of pain in his eyes. Not just from his walking or his fall; it was a look of disgrace, as though he was ashamed to be seen like this in my presence. I did not know what to do. Was I expected to help him or was I suppose to wait until he asked? The seconds continued to pass by, emphasized by the faint ticking of the clock above the doorway.
"Do you.require assistance, Pilot Ikari?"
He turned his head away, but slowly nodded his head.
"I-I have to go."
I set my school bag upon the chair next to the bed and stood beside Shinji. Bending down, I placed my shoulder beneath his armpit and wrapped my arm around his waist. He managed to get his left arm around my shoulders and together we made our way to the bathroom.
Using my foot, I pushed open the door and held it as he shuffled inside. I waited patiently outside. A nurse walked past.
"Oh, Miss Ayanami," she said. "Pilot Ikari's food is being prepared now. It should be ready in a few minutes. Would you come and get it for him? We're short of staff today."
"Hai."
She quickly walked off down the hall. In a few minutes I heard the sound of running water from the bathroom and Shinji opened the door. I helped him back to his bed. He sat with his knees close to his chest, his hands holding them there.
"How's Asuka?" he asked.
"She has not yet awakened."
He leaned his chin on his knees. Silence dominated in the room. I sought a way to dispel this silence.
"I have been asked to bring you your food. I will return."
I almost turned away until that first sob reached my ears. I looked over my shoulder at Shinji. He had balled up his fist, pressing the back of his hand under his nose. His body shook as he cried. A thought stirred deep within. A thought to try to comfort him. I couldn't leave him, not like that.
I slowly walked back to his bed where he had curled up, burying his face into the crook of his elbow. I gently wrapped my arms around his slim body, and leaned my chin on his shoulder. For a moment, he half-hearted tried to push me away, but I did not yield and soon he ceased his struggling. I felt his bitter tears roll down his cheeks to wet and darken the sleeve of my school uniform. I held tighter and did not let go until the last of his tears fell.
"I need to leave now," I whispered in his ear. "I will be back with your food."
"I'm not hungry."
"You should eat something. You will need your strength. Commander has arranged for you to return in two days."
"Father..." Shinji said softly. He looked down at his hands. "Rei?" he whispered.
"Yes, Shinji-kun."
"Do you think Asuka will be okay?"
"Asuka is a strong girl. She will survive."
Shinji nodded.
"She is strong," he agreed. "Much stronger than I am. I'm sure she'll be fine soon. Right, Ayanami?"
I had not recently checked on the Second Child. I only knew that she was still unconscious, but as I looked at Shinji I saw that even in his weakened state he refused to let down his barriers, would not exist without his filters in place. He wanted me to be his filter, to tell him how the world is and will be and if he should keep living here. If he could not live here, he would hide away until the time came when he could.
But, I wondered. What if that day never comes? When we cease to have a purpose, when we lose our identity, when we can no longer justify our existence, then we must die.
I believed that Asuka was part of his purpose, why he kept fighting. If Shinji lost his purpose, his reason for continuing this struggle of living, then he would simply stop fighting and slip beneath the bitter waters into the waiting darkness below.
I did not want Shinji-kun to die. If not for his sake, then for mine. And for Commander.
"I have not met another whose belief in themselves equaled hers," I said. "She will survive, Shinji-kun. Believe in her."
He nodded slowly.
I left.
As I made my way towards the dining commons, I checked the intensive care wing. It was the first time I had seen Asuka since the attack and she was not well.
Her face was emancipated, her cheeks hollowed out. There were deep grooves carved into the flesh below her eyes. Her lips were cracked and peeling. Her hair no longer held the same shine in the sunlight. A cardiograph monitored her heartbeat. An IV bag hung above her bed with the two tubes set firmly into her arm. The translucent mask strapped over her mouth and nose fed her a constant supply of oxygen.
She looked as though she would blow apart with a breath. Looking through the small window to the room, I could almost see Unit Two as it had leaned against the armory building so long ago; its eyes dim. If Asuka's eyes were opened, they would have been even dimmer.
I left quickly.