-Chapter 14-
The days seemed to pass slowly as I waited for Shinji-kun to be released. I spent much of my time lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling trying to find meaning in all the recent events, trying to find meaning in my life. I couldn't though.
I existed only because he had created me, because he had a purpose for me. He would not let me die until I had served my purpose, and I have always looked forward to that day when I shall be no more. No longer alone, no longer having service, painful service, as my only reason for existing. But that was before Shinji arrived in Tokyo-three.
At first he changed nothing in my life. He kept me from piloting against the third Angel when I was wounded, but that made little difference at the time. I would have fought the Angel, perhaps died as well, but Commander would replace me and everything would be as before.
But I did not die. Commander never told me what he would have done if I had died that night, but I knew. I can never forget my purpose. At the same time, I sensed something new around Shinji-kun: as though an even higher purpose called. An instinct to protect and nurture. But humans don't have instincts; they have science, thought. Animals have instincts, and I was not an animal. But I was not human either. I was not born but created. A creation of man.
But, I thought. Humans are a creation too. First, a creation of God. Then a creation of man and woman. Was not I the same? Of course I wasn't. Others are the creation of love, the longing to remove barriers and become one. But wasn't I created by Commander out of his love for his wife? So he could reunite with her? To become one?
Shinji, I thought. You've changed everything. Before you arrived, everything was so simple. I knew my purpose. I knew I would die, and I looked forward to it. Now I fear that day. You told me not to say good-bye when I leave for a mission. "It's too sad," you said. So I don't say that anymore and yet I cannot allow myself to die without telling you good-bye, the one who cared for me, not my purpose. And I wonder now, when the time comes to fulfill my destiny if I will be strong enough to leave you.
I turned over onto my side, away from the light coming from my window. My clock read ten twenty-eight. Shinji would be released at twelve.
I collected my school bag and closed the heavy door behind me.
I waited patiently outside of the locker room for Shinji. Two days after his release and already Commander had him engaged in sync tests. I have been treated similarly, however I knew that Shinji-kun wasn't replaceable like I was. I concluded that Commander either thought of Shinji-kun as merely a tool or he had tremendous confidence in his son and Unit One. I believed in the second possibility.
Shinji was important to Commander's plans and would not be sacrificed unnecessarily. This was one of the reasons I was sure why I was designated to be the shield bearer against the fifth Angel. I was to protect him at all costs. I was a pawn, and Shinji was the vulnerable king. If I was sacrificed to protect the king, so be it.
I often wondered at the third Angel's attack, when I was ordered to fight after Shinji initially refused. Was that an act? Did Commander send me to fight because I am replaceable or because he knew Shinji would not let me die?
The locker room door opened, and Shinji stepped out. He looked exhausted. His hair was uncombed and dripped constantly, indicating that he had probably only made a half-hearted attempt to dry it. His arms did not move as he walked; they rested limply on his school bag. His eyes seemed dead. He did not make any indication that he saw me.
"Shinji-kun?"
My boldness surprised me. I wasn't close enough, familiar enough to refer to him as "Shinji-kun" to his face, was I?
He seemed to have awakened from a deep sleep, to become aware of his surroundings.
I clutched my schoolbag by the handles, holding it in front of my lower body. I tried to remember why I was waiting for him.
Orders. Katsuragi. The Major had given me orders. She had gone to the hospital to check on the Second Child, but she wanted someone to be there for Shinji when he finished his tests. I was sent to him.
"I am to walk with you," I said as I remembered my orders. "Major Katsuragi has given me orders to escort you home."
Shinji nodded slowly, painfully. I waited for him to say something, but no words came, so we walked. The hallway seemed to narrow as our footsteps echoed down its long side. I felt myself being drawn closer to Shinji, but we never touched.
We stayed that way until we made it to the surface. It was then that I looked at him, saw him in the waning sunlight. His head hung sadly as though the tests had been the least of his worries. Something else destroying him.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Ikari-kun."
"How is Asuka? I haven't heard anything about her. They even moved her into a different wing of the hospital now. I don't know where she is anymore. What are they doing with her?"
Asuka. Second Child. Why do you torture Shinji-kun? Even lying unconscious, tucked away in a distant room you control him. He becomes weak without you. Would he do the same for me? How could I answer Shinji-kun?
"Major Katsuragi has gone to the hospital to check on the Second Child. Perhaps she is better."
As though on cue, Shinji's cellular phone began to ring. It took him a moment to answer it, but when he did, his eyes widened. Shinji's face held the expression of shock and disbelief, as though his best friend had punched him hard in the stomach. The unheard conversation continued for a few seconds before Shinji hung up and stuffed the phone back into his bag.
His eyes seemed to be dead as he stared blankly ahead. Suddenly his eyelids twitched and his eyes sprung to life.
"It's Asuka.I-I have to get to the hospital. I have to go."
And with that he sprinted past me, racing down the street as fast as his legs would carry him.
Wait! I wanted to scream as my hand reached out for him. It closed upon empty air. Wait! Oh, God, Wait.
I wanted to say something, anything to make him stay with me.
No. Don't go. Don't run off after her. Stay with me.
My hand clutched upon empty air. I shut my eyes tightly; a pounding filled my ears. I felt my heart beating heavily in my chest. I listened to the beating of my heart grow faint, fading past the liquor stores and the delis, the Raman stands and the cars. I heard it melt away in the sun, disappearing down the street until it dipped below the horizon and was gone. My hand clutched at the empty air.
The days seemed to pass slowly as I waited for Shinji-kun to be released. I spent much of my time lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling trying to find meaning in all the recent events, trying to find meaning in my life. I couldn't though.
I existed only because he had created me, because he had a purpose for me. He would not let me die until I had served my purpose, and I have always looked forward to that day when I shall be no more. No longer alone, no longer having service, painful service, as my only reason for existing. But that was before Shinji arrived in Tokyo-three.
At first he changed nothing in my life. He kept me from piloting against the third Angel when I was wounded, but that made little difference at the time. I would have fought the Angel, perhaps died as well, but Commander would replace me and everything would be as before.
But I did not die. Commander never told me what he would have done if I had died that night, but I knew. I can never forget my purpose. At the same time, I sensed something new around Shinji-kun: as though an even higher purpose called. An instinct to protect and nurture. But humans don't have instincts; they have science, thought. Animals have instincts, and I was not an animal. But I was not human either. I was not born but created. A creation of man.
But, I thought. Humans are a creation too. First, a creation of God. Then a creation of man and woman. Was not I the same? Of course I wasn't. Others are the creation of love, the longing to remove barriers and become one. But wasn't I created by Commander out of his love for his wife? So he could reunite with her? To become one?
Shinji, I thought. You've changed everything. Before you arrived, everything was so simple. I knew my purpose. I knew I would die, and I looked forward to it. Now I fear that day. You told me not to say good-bye when I leave for a mission. "It's too sad," you said. So I don't say that anymore and yet I cannot allow myself to die without telling you good-bye, the one who cared for me, not my purpose. And I wonder now, when the time comes to fulfill my destiny if I will be strong enough to leave you.
I turned over onto my side, away from the light coming from my window. My clock read ten twenty-eight. Shinji would be released at twelve.
I collected my school bag and closed the heavy door behind me.
I waited patiently outside of the locker room for Shinji. Two days after his release and already Commander had him engaged in sync tests. I have been treated similarly, however I knew that Shinji-kun wasn't replaceable like I was. I concluded that Commander either thought of Shinji-kun as merely a tool or he had tremendous confidence in his son and Unit One. I believed in the second possibility.
Shinji was important to Commander's plans and would not be sacrificed unnecessarily. This was one of the reasons I was sure why I was designated to be the shield bearer against the fifth Angel. I was to protect him at all costs. I was a pawn, and Shinji was the vulnerable king. If I was sacrificed to protect the king, so be it.
I often wondered at the third Angel's attack, when I was ordered to fight after Shinji initially refused. Was that an act? Did Commander send me to fight because I am replaceable or because he knew Shinji would not let me die?
The locker room door opened, and Shinji stepped out. He looked exhausted. His hair was uncombed and dripped constantly, indicating that he had probably only made a half-hearted attempt to dry it. His arms did not move as he walked; they rested limply on his school bag. His eyes seemed dead. He did not make any indication that he saw me.
"Shinji-kun?"
My boldness surprised me. I wasn't close enough, familiar enough to refer to him as "Shinji-kun" to his face, was I?
He seemed to have awakened from a deep sleep, to become aware of his surroundings.
I clutched my schoolbag by the handles, holding it in front of my lower body. I tried to remember why I was waiting for him.
Orders. Katsuragi. The Major had given me orders. She had gone to the hospital to check on the Second Child, but she wanted someone to be there for Shinji when he finished his tests. I was sent to him.
"I am to walk with you," I said as I remembered my orders. "Major Katsuragi has given me orders to escort you home."
Shinji nodded slowly, painfully. I waited for him to say something, but no words came, so we walked. The hallway seemed to narrow as our footsteps echoed down its long side. I felt myself being drawn closer to Shinji, but we never touched.
We stayed that way until we made it to the surface. It was then that I looked at him, saw him in the waning sunlight. His head hung sadly as though the tests had been the least of his worries. Something else destroying him.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Ikari-kun."
"How is Asuka? I haven't heard anything about her. They even moved her into a different wing of the hospital now. I don't know where she is anymore. What are they doing with her?"
Asuka. Second Child. Why do you torture Shinji-kun? Even lying unconscious, tucked away in a distant room you control him. He becomes weak without you. Would he do the same for me? How could I answer Shinji-kun?
"Major Katsuragi has gone to the hospital to check on the Second Child. Perhaps she is better."
As though on cue, Shinji's cellular phone began to ring. It took him a moment to answer it, but when he did, his eyes widened. Shinji's face held the expression of shock and disbelief, as though his best friend had punched him hard in the stomach. The unheard conversation continued for a few seconds before Shinji hung up and stuffed the phone back into his bag.
His eyes seemed to be dead as he stared blankly ahead. Suddenly his eyelids twitched and his eyes sprung to life.
"It's Asuka.I-I have to get to the hospital. I have to go."
And with that he sprinted past me, racing down the street as fast as his legs would carry him.
Wait! I wanted to scream as my hand reached out for him. It closed upon empty air. Wait! Oh, God, Wait.
I wanted to say something, anything to make him stay with me.
No. Don't go. Don't run off after her. Stay with me.
My hand clutched upon empty air. I shut my eyes tightly; a pounding filled my ears. I felt my heart beating heavily in my chest. I listened to the beating of my heart grow faint, fading past the liquor stores and the delis, the Raman stands and the cars. I heard it melt away in the sun, disappearing down the street until it dipped below the horizon and was gone. My hand clutched at the empty air.