-Chapter 15-
I returned home to find sunlight streaming through my window. The light fell squarely on a bluish-green drinking glass sitting next a hard leather glass case. The glass did not sparkle at all. I held the glass and turned it around gently in my hands.
Shinji-kun. What am I to you? Am I anything?
I closed my eyes.
Of course not. I am nothing but a tool, a pawn to protect a king. I live an artificial life, trying to convince myself that my soul is real when it was manufactured.
That is the truth, I told myself. And you know it.
It was the kind of truth that scorched the tongue and scratched the throat, the kind that left your mouth dry when you first swallowed it. It was the kind of truth that cut through any barriers you were pretentious enough to build, and embedded itself deep within the festering wound. It was the kind that would not go away, no matter how tightly you closed your eyes. It burned the finger when grasped, searing the flesh down to the bones.
I placed the cup back onto the top of the dresser. Not all battles should be fought. Commander believed that. Shinji has his reason to exist again. I am not needed. I closed the curtains to block out the daylight.
Sometimes in life we must open up our chest and have our heart ripped out, even if only to know that it still beats.
The next few days were quiet. I saw little of Shinji. I filled my days with Eva, that grotesque god that ruled over my life. I could never hide from its monstrous eye. I could not run far enough that my strings would not pull me back to its cold grasp. Never would I ever cleanse myself from its smell of blood. It is all I have.
Asuka.you are the one who has Shinji. Not I. You have Eva and Shinji. No matter if you lose Eva for that doesn't seem to matter to Shinji. I had Eva first. I am the First Child. Yet I never had Shinji.
You were clever, Commander. You called him here. You made him pilot by dangling me in front of him; you keep him fighting with Asuka. Asuka is your insurance of his submission to your will. You made me a woman who doesn't bleed; you made me disposable. He cannot care about a doll. I can be replaced and when he learns of this he could leave; he could run away. But Asuka cannot be replaced. Shinji would not let her die for she would never again exist for him and he would not be able to live with himself then.
I looked up. Unit Zero stood like a huge idol. Its one eye peered down at me.
What do you see? I asked. What soul do you hold? Mine? I don't have one. I never did.
Unit Zero looked down upon me, mocking me. A vessel emptier than itself. Yes, empty and hollow inside.
It was then that Nerv's alarms chose to go off, resounding throughout the city of darkness, where Angels fear to tread.
I felt the rubber of my plug suit tight against my skin. I looked up to Unit Zero.
"Come," I said. "It is time for us to die."
"Rei! What are you doing?"
It was the Major. I glanced over to the side where her image sat suspended in the air. She looked scared, though I knew she couldn't be. She is scared for Shinji. She is scared for Asuka. How could she possibly be scared for me?
"There is an Angel," I said. "I must fight it."
"You can't go yet, Rei. Shinji isn't here yet. We need to come up with a strategy first. We don't know what this Angel is capable of."
"I will find out for you, Major. Then you will know what it can do when Shinji arrives."
I cut the link to headquarters. I knew they wouldn't let me use the launch pads, but I already knew a way to the surface. We had to use it once when someone blew the circuits that powered Tokyo-3. I was the back-up player in that mission, my usual role. I was always the back-up. Always behind the others, blended in with the somber and mundane background of the world.
Why am I here?
I am not a doll. I will do as I wish. And without Shinji, I wish to die.
I turned off communications and directed my unit to the tunnels and ducts that would lead me to the surface.
I returned home to find sunlight streaming through my window. The light fell squarely on a bluish-green drinking glass sitting next a hard leather glass case. The glass did not sparkle at all. I held the glass and turned it around gently in my hands.
Shinji-kun. What am I to you? Am I anything?
I closed my eyes.
Of course not. I am nothing but a tool, a pawn to protect a king. I live an artificial life, trying to convince myself that my soul is real when it was manufactured.
That is the truth, I told myself. And you know it.
It was the kind of truth that scorched the tongue and scratched the throat, the kind that left your mouth dry when you first swallowed it. It was the kind of truth that cut through any barriers you were pretentious enough to build, and embedded itself deep within the festering wound. It was the kind that would not go away, no matter how tightly you closed your eyes. It burned the finger when grasped, searing the flesh down to the bones.
I placed the cup back onto the top of the dresser. Not all battles should be fought. Commander believed that. Shinji has his reason to exist again. I am not needed. I closed the curtains to block out the daylight.
Sometimes in life we must open up our chest and have our heart ripped out, even if only to know that it still beats.
The next few days were quiet. I saw little of Shinji. I filled my days with Eva, that grotesque god that ruled over my life. I could never hide from its monstrous eye. I could not run far enough that my strings would not pull me back to its cold grasp. Never would I ever cleanse myself from its smell of blood. It is all I have.
Asuka.you are the one who has Shinji. Not I. You have Eva and Shinji. No matter if you lose Eva for that doesn't seem to matter to Shinji. I had Eva first. I am the First Child. Yet I never had Shinji.
You were clever, Commander. You called him here. You made him pilot by dangling me in front of him; you keep him fighting with Asuka. Asuka is your insurance of his submission to your will. You made me a woman who doesn't bleed; you made me disposable. He cannot care about a doll. I can be replaced and when he learns of this he could leave; he could run away. But Asuka cannot be replaced. Shinji would not let her die for she would never again exist for him and he would not be able to live with himself then.
I looked up. Unit Zero stood like a huge idol. Its one eye peered down at me.
What do you see? I asked. What soul do you hold? Mine? I don't have one. I never did.
Unit Zero looked down upon me, mocking me. A vessel emptier than itself. Yes, empty and hollow inside.
It was then that Nerv's alarms chose to go off, resounding throughout the city of darkness, where Angels fear to tread.
I felt the rubber of my plug suit tight against my skin. I looked up to Unit Zero.
"Come," I said. "It is time for us to die."
"Rei! What are you doing?"
It was the Major. I glanced over to the side where her image sat suspended in the air. She looked scared, though I knew she couldn't be. She is scared for Shinji. She is scared for Asuka. How could she possibly be scared for me?
"There is an Angel," I said. "I must fight it."
"You can't go yet, Rei. Shinji isn't here yet. We need to come up with a strategy first. We don't know what this Angel is capable of."
"I will find out for you, Major. Then you will know what it can do when Shinji arrives."
I cut the link to headquarters. I knew they wouldn't let me use the launch pads, but I already knew a way to the surface. We had to use it once when someone blew the circuits that powered Tokyo-3. I was the back-up player in that mission, my usual role. I was always the back-up. Always behind the others, blended in with the somber and mundane background of the world.
Why am I here?
I am not a doll. I will do as I wish. And without Shinji, I wish to die.
I turned off communications and directed my unit to the tunnels and ducts that would lead me to the surface.