-Chapter 17-
"Ayanami. Ayanami!"
I was dimly aware of someone shaking me. The dark curtains covering my eyes lifted so that I could look out in a half squint.
The ceiling was tiled, a familiar blue-green. Dark, walnut cabinets adorned one wall of the sparsely decorated room. I heard a faint beeping to my left: one second, two seconds, three seconds. It was timed to my heart. The shaking continued from the left.
I turned my head.
There was a frame of light, a box. In the center, was an irregular oval with ragged edges on the top and sides. It blended into a thin cylinder at its bottom that slowly spread out for about half the width of the oval and then sharply dropped off. The oval moved closer, the light wrapped around its side.
From this distance I could see Shinji's face of relief, tears rolling down the sides of his oval face.
"Oh, Ayanami," he said, burying his head into the crook of my neck. "I'm so glad you're all right. I thought you would be gone forever. I couldn't stand the thought of you and Asuka leaving me. I wouldn't know what to do."
"Asuka?" I asked weakly.
"Don't worry about her, Ayanami," he said, pulling himself way so he could look at me in the face. "She's doing fine. She woke up about three days ago. She's back home now, and the doctors say she's fit enough to go to school and pilot again."
He laughed.
"She said the first thing she'll do when she gets back into Eva is smashed the school, but I think she's back to her normal self. I'm still doing most of the cooking and cleaning, but I'm used to that by now."
He smiled.
I felt him place his firm hand on my limp one. I dearly wanted to turn my hand over and clasps his with mine, but I barely had strength to move my neck, much less have the dexterity to move my hand. Perhaps he knew what I wanted, for he nervously slipped his other hand around to grasp my hand in his two. I closed my eyes and squeezed his hand lightly.
I could feel the strings snap from around my wrists as my muscles tensed. The white gloved hand was replaced with another's, a hand no bigger than my own. A hand that held no burn scars, but had braved the fires of battle nonetheless.
Thank you.
I know now why I will die. I will die to carry away all your pain and sadness. I can be strong now. I have a reason to live. I have a reason to die. I will continue in my duty and service and when the time comes for me to fulfill my purpose I will die out of my purest heart for you.
"Pilot Ikari. It's time for Ayanami to get some rest."
"Hai."
Shinji's hands left mine and he picked up his schoolbag and followed the white clad nurse from the room. I saw him peek over his shoulder at me and wave once before he disappeared into the hallway.
I closed my eyes once more. I felt my heart beating, fading down the hall, down stairs, and to the streets below. It ran along the busy streets of Tokyo-three, past cars and Raman stands, past delis and liquor stores. But I did not reach out after it to call it back. I let it run as it will.
Puppet master. You have tried to shape me in your image. A cold, unfeeling doll. A tool. I am your doll no longer. I have a heart and a soul. And saying this, I feel something inside, something beyond myself.
Mother?
It gave no definitive answer. I merely felt a stirring deep within me. It was slow and deliberate, like nodding.
I slowly eased my hand along my body and, placing it on my heart, fell asleep. The beeping continued: one second, two seconds, three seconds.
"Ayanami. Ayanami!"
I was dimly aware of someone shaking me. The dark curtains covering my eyes lifted so that I could look out in a half squint.
The ceiling was tiled, a familiar blue-green. Dark, walnut cabinets adorned one wall of the sparsely decorated room. I heard a faint beeping to my left: one second, two seconds, three seconds. It was timed to my heart. The shaking continued from the left.
I turned my head.
There was a frame of light, a box. In the center, was an irregular oval with ragged edges on the top and sides. It blended into a thin cylinder at its bottom that slowly spread out for about half the width of the oval and then sharply dropped off. The oval moved closer, the light wrapped around its side.
From this distance I could see Shinji's face of relief, tears rolling down the sides of his oval face.
"Oh, Ayanami," he said, burying his head into the crook of my neck. "I'm so glad you're all right. I thought you would be gone forever. I couldn't stand the thought of you and Asuka leaving me. I wouldn't know what to do."
"Asuka?" I asked weakly.
"Don't worry about her, Ayanami," he said, pulling himself way so he could look at me in the face. "She's doing fine. She woke up about three days ago. She's back home now, and the doctors say she's fit enough to go to school and pilot again."
He laughed.
"She said the first thing she'll do when she gets back into Eva is smashed the school, but I think she's back to her normal self. I'm still doing most of the cooking and cleaning, but I'm used to that by now."
He smiled.
I felt him place his firm hand on my limp one. I dearly wanted to turn my hand over and clasps his with mine, but I barely had strength to move my neck, much less have the dexterity to move my hand. Perhaps he knew what I wanted, for he nervously slipped his other hand around to grasp my hand in his two. I closed my eyes and squeezed his hand lightly.
I could feel the strings snap from around my wrists as my muscles tensed. The white gloved hand was replaced with another's, a hand no bigger than my own. A hand that held no burn scars, but had braved the fires of battle nonetheless.
Thank you.
I know now why I will die. I will die to carry away all your pain and sadness. I can be strong now. I have a reason to live. I have a reason to die. I will continue in my duty and service and when the time comes for me to fulfill my purpose I will die out of my purest heart for you.
"Pilot Ikari. It's time for Ayanami to get some rest."
"Hai."
Shinji's hands left mine and he picked up his schoolbag and followed the white clad nurse from the room. I saw him peek over his shoulder at me and wave once before he disappeared into the hallway.
I closed my eyes once more. I felt my heart beating, fading down the hall, down stairs, and to the streets below. It ran along the busy streets of Tokyo-three, past cars and Raman stands, past delis and liquor stores. But I did not reach out after it to call it back. I let it run as it will.
Puppet master. You have tried to shape me in your image. A cold, unfeeling doll. A tool. I am your doll no longer. I have a heart and a soul. And saying this, I feel something inside, something beyond myself.
Mother?
It gave no definitive answer. I merely felt a stirring deep within me. It was slow and deliberate, like nodding.
I slowly eased my hand along my body and, placing it on my heart, fell asleep. The beeping continued: one second, two seconds, three seconds.