Donna approached me with a wary look in her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
I glanced at the girl at the reception desk, who was watching us with interest. She was probably a student who lived in this residence, and I didn't want to say anything too private in front of her. "I came to apologize."
Donna looked a little surprised, and still cautious. She probably thought I was here on some begging-for-another-chance mission. "OK, we can talk in the common room," she said, and started walking.
"Um," I said softly, trotting to catch up, "there are some things I'd rather not say in front of other people."
"No kidding," she replied in an undertone. "Don't worry, I'm going to sneak you up to my room."
After the plans for Donna and me to live together had fallen through, Bob had insisted that Donna live in one of the women-only dorms at Madison. Kind of ironic, when you thought about it. Anyway, I remembered now that male visitors weren't allowed upstairs.
We snuck up a back stairwell. Donna checked that the hall was clear, and hustled me into her room. I'd never been in there before; I was amazed at how small it was, especially considering she had a roommate. I recognized a lot of Donna's stuff from home - her bedspread, her lamp, some books, the toaster we'd bought together.
"Is it OK if I sit on your bed?" I asked. There was nowhere to sit other than the beds; the room was too cramped for chairs.
"Sure," she said, sitting on her roommate's bed. She was wearing a white wool sweater, and bell-bottom jeans. When she tucked her feet up under her, I could see she was wearing candy-cane striped socks. I was with her when she bought those socks. "OK, what do you want to say?" she asked.
I met her eyes, fighting back the sadness that threatened to overwhelm me as I thought about sock shopping in happier days. "I don't want to lose your friendship, Donna, no matter what. And I wanted you to know I didn't mean some of the things I said at Thanksgiving. I was just so shocked..."
She gave me a sad smile. "I'm sorry, too, for springing it all on you like that. I mean, I couldn't think of a better way...but I can understand why you were angry."
"I'm scared for you, Donna. What's going to happen when you tell your dad?"
"It can't be that much worse than telling everyone we were engaged," she said with a sort of laugh.
"Yes it can! It will be! Donna, he could disown you!"
"Shhh, calm down, Eric," Donna said, reaching across the narrow gap between the beds to put her hand on my arm. "I was joking - gallows humor, get it? I know it'll be hard. There's a gay/lesbian youth group here, and I've started going to it. I've met a guy who got caught with another guy in his bedroom when he was sixteen, and his parents kicked him out onto the street. But no matter how hard it is, it can't be as bad as living a lie for my entire life."
"I'm not so sure about that..." I said. "Look, Donna, I've had the crap beaten out of me before because some guys thought I was gay. I can't imagine going through life like that."
Donna gave me a startled look. "What the hell? When did that happen?"
"A couple years ago. It's not important... I was too embarrassed to tell you about it."
"See, that's exactly the problem!" Donna said, slapping her knee with her open hand. "You didn't want to talk about it. No one wants to talk about it. It's all hidden under the surface, and the assholes keep getting away with it."
"Well, what can you do about it? They can hurt you!" I realized I wasn't so much trying to talk Donna out of being a lesbian as I was trying to justify the choices I'd made two years ago. I'd chosen Donna over Hyde...not because I loved her more, but because I was afraid of what it would mean to choose Hyde. I was afraid of getting killed.
Donna had always been braver than me. Damn her.
"Eric, I know this is hard to believe, but it's worth the risk. I can't live in that lie. I can't settle down with you and have your children. I have to change the world, instead." Her eyes shone, and I knew she meant what she said.
"Does it have to be a lie, though?" I asked quietly. I was back at the crossroads I'd left behind two years ago, but the landscape was changed. I picked up a throw pillow from her bed and fiddled with it, trying to keep myself calm. "Can't there be more than one truth? I mean...can someone be gay and straight?"
She shook her head slowly. "I don't think so. I mean, they're like...opposite."
"Donna...what if I'm gay, too?" I could hear my own heart beating.
She smiled, like she thought I'd made a joke. "Don't worry, Eric, dating a lesbian doesn't make you gay. That's not how it works."
"Donna..." My voice felt all squeaky. I was so scared. I felt my way through the words carefully. "I think...I was in love with a guy once."
She stared at me in silence for the space of three or four breaths. "You're serious," she said finally, in a tone of wonder. "Who?"
"But I can't be gay," I went on. "Because I know I was in love with you. I wanted to spend my life with you."
"Well..." Donna pushed a couple strands of hair back from her face, looking at me intently. "What makes you think you were in love with this guy?"
"The same kinds of things that made me think I was in love with you." I shrugged. It was a hard question, actually; I didn't analyze being in love, I just knew when it happened. "I, uh, cared about him a lot. When bad things happened to him, I wished they could happen to me instead. I liked spending time with him. He made me feel, uh, good. Just by being there. And when I kissed him I felt - you know. Tingly-down-there." I flopped down onto the bed and pressed the throw pillow over my face. I couldn't believe I was admitting this - to Donna!
"You kissed!?" I heard the incredulity in Donna's voice. "My God, Eric, I had no idea - wow. So he felt the same way about you?"
"I guess so," I said through the pillow. Somehow it was easier to talk into a pillow. "He said it first - he said he loved me. He was really drunk, though. The next day it was like it never happened. I'm not sure if he even remembers."
I felt Donna sit on the bed beside me, and then she pulled the pillow away from my face. "One drunk groping session doesn't make you gay. When did this happen?"
"Junior year. And it wasn't just one time...it was twice. And we weren't drunk the first time."
She raised an eyebrow. "Were you stoned?"
"Um...yeah."
"Oh my God, Eric, we're talking about one of the guys, aren't we?" she asked excitedly. "Is it Fez?"
I was starting to get annoyed with how lightly she was taking this. I mean, when she told me she was gay, I didn't laugh. "No! It's not Fez."
"Kelso?"
"No!"
"Oh my God, it isn't Hyde?"
"No," I said, but I guess I didn't say it as quickly or convincingly as the first two times, because Donna gasped.
"You and Hyde - holy shit!"
We sat there in silence for a little bit. I don't know what she was thinking; I was just freaking out at what I'd revealed. That was not in the plan when I came here tonight.
"It doesn't matter," I said finally. "He's dating Jackie now."
"Are you still in love with him?"
"Damn it, Donna! I chose you! I tried to forget about him!"
She blinked at my shouting, but she stayed calm. "How can you forget about someone when he lives in your basement and you hang out with him every day?"
There was no answer for that. I hadn't forgotten about Hyde. Even while Donna and I were going through all our drama, a part of me was always watching him, reacting to him, wishing I could take him back into his room and hold him and whisper in his ear that it was all a mistake, I meant to choose him. And when I'd caught him kissing Jackie, God had I ever resented her.
"Eric?" Donna said softly. "Are you OK?"
"I don't think he's even happy with Jackie," I said.
"Well, she is a bitch." Donna put an arm over my shoulder. "But Hyde can take care of himself."
"I guess," I said with a halfhearted shrug. Donna hadn't been around to see the head games Jackie was playing with Hyde lately. Still, it's not like it was any of my business.
Except that he was my best friend. And I loved him.