Monday night, Jackie showed up at my house just as we were finishing dessert. She took the piece of apple pie that Mom offered her, and followed Hyde and me down into the basement.

"I hate being the only one still in high school," Jackie said as she settled onto the couch, tucked in the crook of Hyde's arm. "It sucked today."

"So? School always sucks," Hyde said.

"Today we spent the whole morning in the stinky gym, in this awful assembly." Jackie wrinkled her nose. "The whole thing was this big long lecture about how you shouldn't drink and drive. I guess some guy who just graduated last year got himself killed driving drunk last week. Everyone was all totally depressed all day. I mean, who the hell is this guy? Why should I care? No one I hang out with is that stupid."

I was practically choking on my own tongue, trying and failing to think of a way to deflect Jackie or warn her. Hyde, meanwhile, didn't even flinch. "Are we going to watch TV, or not?" he asked.

"A guy is dead, Jackie." I felt like I had to speak for Hyde, if he wasn't going to. "Try to show a little respect."

"For what?" Jackie asked, rolling her eyes. "If someone's an idiot when they're alive, they shouldn't become a saint just because they're dead."

"She's right, Forman." Hyde glared at me. He clearly wanted me to drop it, so I did.

We watched TV for a bit, and then Jackie started bugging Hyde to take her to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. After saying 'no' three times, he ended up saying 'yes,' so they left.

***

I was still sitting on the basement couch, watching TV, when Hyde came back in at about ten o'clock.

"Jackie gone home?" I greeted him as he kicked off his boots and hung up his coat.

"Yeah."

"How was the mall?"

He flopped down on the couch beside me. "It was a cesspool of rampant consumerism."

I couldn't help smiling at his laconic indignation. But this brought back the point that I'd been dwelling on all evening: Jackie and Hyde made no sense together.

"Hyde...did you talk to Jackie about Randy?"

"Why would I?" He propped his feet up on the spool table. One of his socks had a hole in its toe.

"Because she brought it up, and you still didn't say anything...you know that's messed up, right?" I glanced over at him in time to see his shoulders falling in a silent sigh.

"I don't talk about stuff with Jackie, Forman. She talks. I tune her out. She makes me do errands. We make out, we have sex. She's hot. That's the whole deal."

I frowned. "That doesn't seem right...do you think it's fair to Jackie, keeping her closed out like that?"

Hyde narrowed his eyes behind his sunglasses, like he was trying to figure out what I was getting at. "We both get what we need out of it. And it's really none of your business, Forman."

"I know..." I fell silent, and we watched the 10 o'clock news for a while. When it cut to a commercial for bathroom cleaners, I looked over at him and asked, "Do you love her?"

"What?" He gave me a look of total disbelief. "Did Jackie put you up to this?"

"No! Jesus, Hyde, it's a simple enough question."

Hyde tilted his head a bit, looking at me. "This is really about you and Donna, isn't it?"

"No. Well, kind of..." I was getting into dangerous territory here. My instinct was to turn and flee. But that was the same instinct that had led me to tell Hyde that kissing him was a mistake; it was the instinct that had led to two years of pretending nothing had ever happened between us. And now here I was with nobody, watching him settling for a relationship he was barely in skin-deep. It was time for me to take a risk. "When I visited Donna yesterday we had a serious talk about love. And, uh, I..." I couldn't say it.

"You what?" Hyde prompted, obviously not having a clue what I was getting at.

I took a deep breath, searching wildly for the right words. "Do you remember the night I slept down here with you?"

His eyes opened wide behind his sunglasses. I was pretty sure he hadn't seen that one coming. "Why the hell are you bringing that up now?" he asked quietly, with a definite edge to his voice.

"I was so scared back then," I said. "I let the fear control me...I was a coward. And I was hoping there might be..." I swallowed, watching my thin, nervous reflection in his sunglasses, "...a second chance."

He looked at me for a moment or two, not moving, not showing any expression on his face. My mouth felt so dry. Then he spoke, in a low, even tone. "I do love Jackie. And fuck you, Eric." He stood up quickly, and a moment later I heard the door to his room slam shut.

I clenched my fists so hard I felt my fingernails digging into my palms. Fuck. I slammed my fists into the sofa cushions. I was such a jerk. I'd screwed everything up. What the hell was I going to do now?

Feeling like the biggest dumbass in the world, I went upstairs to bed.

***

I woke up with a weird feeling, like something wasn't quite right. It was still dark; I squinted over at my clock and saw it was about 2:30 a.m..

A large shape moved in the darkness, and my bed creaked. Someone was sitting beside me on my bed.

"*agmf!*" I started to let out a startled yell, but a strong hand covered my mouth, stifling it.

"Shh, Forman, it's just me," Hyde whispered. He took his hand off my mouth.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered, rubbing my eyes.

In response, he kissed me.

I wondered what the hell was going on, but I wasn't dumb enough to ask. I kissed him back with the built-up passion of two years. I kissed him deeply, darting my tongue in to taste him. His sandpaper stubble scratched the edges of my lips and I welcomed the rough sensation. God, I'd missed this.

He ripped at the buttons of my pajama top, and in a moment he had it off me. He ran his hands over my bare chest, still kissing me, and I moaned softly. His hands were a little rough, much bigger than Donna's. I wanted to feel them on me everywhere.

"Can I take your shirt off?" I whispered hoarsely. I remembered one important thing from the last time I'd been with Hyde like this: he had invisible scars, and it wasn't a good idea to push too fast.

He didn't say yes, he just started unbuttoning himself. The dim light filtering through my curtains from the streetlight outside was just barely enough to see what he was doing. He was wearing flannel pj's, and he'd left the sunglasses behind. His hair fell down a little over his face as he looked down at his buttons. I brushed the curls back, and leaned in to kiss his face. He let his shirt slip down off his shoulders, and I pulled it the rest of the way off and tossed it to the side. I caressed his shoulders, his chest, his belly, reveling in his smooth warmth. His scent was driving me wild. I nipped his shoulder with my teeth, hoping he'd be rougher with me in return. I wanted to feel more.

We kissed for a while, shirtless, twining our arms around each other. I loved the feeling of his hands running over my body. I'd have worried it was a dream, except no dream could possibly be that tactile.

Without warning, he slipped his hand through the fly of my pajama pants. I gasped at the feel of his hand wrapped around me, and my fingers tightened on his shoulders. And then...Sweet Jesus. He went down on me.

Oh my God, it was good. It was exquisite, white-hot and bright when I came. When I could move again, I saw that Hyde was sitting at the edge of the bed, so I draped myself over his shoulders in a warm, boneless hug. "That was so good," I whispered.

His shoulders shook like he was laughing silently. I smiled; I was too mellow now for laughing, but I felt like I'd been swallowed by a warm, happy bubble. I got up on my knees so I could reach over his shoulder to kiss his rough cheek.

His cheek was wet. "Get off," he said tightly, and he shook me off so he could stand up.

"Wait!" I leapt to my feet and grabbed his arm before he reached the door. "No fucking way am I letting you walk out now." I got myself between him and the door, and he glared at me, but I reached up to brush my thumb over his face and yes, I'd been right...damp tracks of tears ran down his cheek. I didn't know what the fuck was going on with him, but I was going to find out. "What's wrong, Steven?" I asked as gently as I knew how. He didn't say anything, so I hugged him. I could feel him trembling. I started getting scared, because I had no idea why he was breaking down. I'd never seen Hyde cry before - not when we were kids, not when Bud left or when Edna did, not even two days ago at Randy's funeral. It was eerie, the way he wasn't making any sound at all. He didn't even seem to be breathing, just standing there, so tense he was shaking, and when I touched his cheek I could feel tears running down it. "Come back to the bed," I whispered. "Whatever's wrong, it'll be OK, I promise."

He let me pull him over to the bed, and down onto it. I quickly turned on the bedside lamp, hoping light would help somehow, and then I sat next to him, one arm wrapped tight around his shoulders, the other hand stroking his springy hair. Every once in a while I heard and felt him take a shuddering breath, but other than that he was completely silent, and still except for the trembling. His eyes were squeezed closed, but tears were running quietly down his cheeks. I wasn't sure he still knew I was there. "I'm sorry, Steven," I whispered. "I don't know what to do....it'll be OK...."

Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at me. "If we'd had sex that night, would you still have chosen Donna?"

"What?" Where the hell did that come from? "You know that's not what it was about."

"No?" he whispered harshly. He pushed me away from him. "What about now? Donna dumps you, and suddenly I'm good enough for you."

OK, I could see why he'd think that. God, I must've seemed like an asshole. "It's not like that!" Damn, it was hard to keep my voice pitched low, but my parents' room was just down the hall, and Mom had been sleeping fitfully since she started menopause. "Donna made me realize I couldn't let fear rule my life. That's why I asked for a second chance."

"What do you have to be afraid of?" he hissed.

"Oh, I don't know, how about getting the crap beaten out of me by guys like Richard?!" Now we were fighting. Why the hell were we fighting?

"Who the fuck is Richard?"

"The guy who beat me up in gym class because he thought I was gay, remember? The reason we decided it was too dangerous to do things like this?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You saw the bruises, remember? After I got you home from the reservoir? And you made me tell you what happened..." I trailed off. He was shaking his head slowly. "How can you not remember?" I said, kind of stunned. That had been one of the most intense, frightening, painful nights of my entire life. I still remembered every detail like it was yesterday - his footprints in the snow, the icy bottle of moonshine he'd tried to share with me...fuuuck. I knew he'd been really fucking drunk - but drunk enough to black out the entire night? "Do you remember me finding you at the reservoir?"

He shook his head again. "I waited for you to come downstairs," he said quietly. "You didn't come for a long time. Then you did, just to tell me it was all a mistake. I was...mad, when you left. I remember walking out to the reservoir, I remember finding Randy's special tree...then nothing. I woke up in the basement at noon the next day with a hangover from hell and my knuckles ripped to shreds."

"Crap," I whispered. "I can't believe it. Steven, I followed you out there. I brought you home. You were...God, you were so cold, and so drunk, you could barely walk. I probably should have brought you to the hospital, but I was dumb and scared, so I warmed you up with my body....and then I went and made hot chocolate, and you saw the bruises on my ribs from where Richard beat me up that day."

"Shit," he took my hand and squeezed it, "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because I thought you knew."

"Christ." He let himself fall back onto the bed, laughing softly. "We're both idiots. We deserve each other."

"Why did you come up here tonight?" I asked him, laying my hand lightly on his chest. His chest hair was soft, and his skin was warm. I could feel his heart beating under my fingers.

"To see if I could do it this time." His tone was detached and ironic, but I could feel his heartbeat speeding up.

"Oh God," I whispered. I remembered the first thing he'd asked me tonight - if we'd had sex that first night, would I still have chosen Donna? I understood the question now. The pieces fell into place - he didn't remember what happened after the reservoir. He didn't remember me telling him I loved him. All he remembered was me telling him the night we'd spent together was a mistake, and that I chose Donna over him - with no explanation. So all this time, he'd been afraid that I dumped him because he wouldn't have sex with me.

I lay down next to him, keeping my hand over his racing heart. "I'm so sorry," I said softly, feeling my throat tighten up like I was about to start crying myself. I felt like such a jerk for not realizing any of this sooner. Sure, Hyde didn't exactly make it easy to figure him out, but I should have managed somehow. It was up to me; there was no one else in the world he let this close. "I never wanted to hurt you. I would have stayed with you forever, sex or no sex. I was just too damn scared of what would happen if we got caught."

He sort of laughed. "I wanted to have sex with you, Eric. I wanted you so bad...I just couldn't."

Once again, that bastard Stu loomed over us like an evil cloud.

"Have you ever talked to anyone about it?" I asked, finding his hand and squeezing it. I don't know who I thought he could have talked to - Jackie, maybe?

"What the hell for? It's water under the bridge, man. 'Uncle' Stu used to make me suck his dick. That was eight years ago. Nothing's going to change now."

I didn't miss the way he said it. "So it happened more than once." The only other time we'd talked about this, he'd said it was a one-time thing. That was when he was trying to convince me that he wasn't totally fucked up by it, and that Donna and I shouldn't go to the school guidance counselor about it.

"It doesn't matter. It's over."

"OK." I was still worried about him, but I knew I had a snowball's chance in hell of getting him to get counseling or anything like that. All I could do was be here for him, like I should have been before. I kissed him. "Let me help you forget him?" I murmured against his lips. "I promise, I'll never, ever do anything you don't want me to. And besides, remember I'm a skinny little dork and you can kick my ass."

He smiled a bit. "You're not so skinny anymore. I think you're finally hitting that growth spurt."

"But you could still kick my ass."

"Hell yeah." He grinned, then grabbed me and flipped me over on my back. He pressed me into the bed and kissed me hard, and I parted my lips to let his tongue in. Oh man, was it ever good to kiss him again!

I wanted to make him feel as good as he'd made me feel. I wanted to have sex that wasn't tainted by anger and misunderstandings and fear. "Is it OK if I touch your dick?" I whispered in his ear. It felt weird to say the words, but that was the only way to make sure he knew what was coming and was OK with it.

His eyes widened slightly; they were still a little red from crying earlier, but anyone seeing him now would just think he was stoned or something. He only hesitated a moment before he said "yeah."

I gave him a little push so he rolled over on his back, and I propped myself up on one elbow, lying alongside him. I edged aside his fly and held him in my hand, like he'd done to me earlier. "Still OK?" I whispered.

"Fuck yeah." He smiled with his eyes closed.

I watched his face carefully as I did to him the special things I'd only done to myself, before. He bit his lower lip and groaned softly.

"Open your eyes," I whispered. I wanted him to focus on me, to not forget for a moment who he was with.

He did what I told him. "You're beautiful," he murmured.

Beautiful, hm? OK, I could accept that. Beautiful didn't have to mean girly.

"God, that's nice," he breathed. "Man, you must practice this a lot."

I snickered. "I've been practicing for this my whole life." I bent down to kiss his mouth, while my hand kept working down below. I was rewarded with a gasp, and he bit down on my lip almost enough to hurt. I moved away slightly so he wouldn't accidentally bite me again, and kept doing what I was doing. His eyes were still wide open, and I noticed for maybe the first time ever that they were blue. And I realized: he was beautiful, too.

"Oh God," he gasped suddenly, and his eyes did close now, and he banged his head back against the pillow with an expression that looked almost like pain, but I knew it what it was. I felt a complicated mix of triumph, affection and protectiveness. I'd made Hyde come. Wow.

He lay there with kind of a silly grin on his face. I lay down beside him, facing him. I hugged my arm around him, and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for letting me do that," I whispered.

"Anytime, man" he said, grinning wider.

My happy feelings spilled over into quiet giggles. I kissed him again, just lightly on the lips. "I love you," I said. I didn't realize I was going to say it until it popped out - it just felt so natural right now, part of the warm happy glow. But it wasn't a mistake - Donna had made me think about what love was, and I'd realized that I did love Hyde. I had for a long time.

He was being pretty quiet, though. "You don't have to say it back," I said. "It's OK."

He rolled over so he was on his side, too, facing me. "I do," he said softly, as serious and intense as I'd ever seen him.

"You do have to say it? Or you do love me?"

His lips flickered into a soft smile. "Both."

I felt so happy in that moment, I was dizzy with it. I moved in to kiss him again, knowing that after tonight, things were going to be different. This time it was going to work out right.

THE END