Qui-Gon had waited as long as he could. He had not been surprised when Garen told him that Obi-Wan did not want to see him yet. It hurt, but he understood. This would have to happen on Obi-Wan's terms. He would not push the young man. Yet, he could not help himself. He just wanted to see him, to assure himself that his Obi-Wan really was alive and breathing in the next room.
He stood in the entryway to Obi-Wan's room, leaning against the frame. He could not help but smile at the peaceful image before him. They both looked so young, so beautiful, and oh so terribly innocent. Looking at them now it was hard to believe that one was a fierce warrior - - the best the Jedi had to offer, and the other, a Queen - - the young but effective ruler of Naboo. In this moment, they looked like two children, each trying to comfort the other from a nightmare that had been all too real.
They slept soundly. Qui-Gon had no doubt it was the most peaceful sleep either had known since this whole ordeal had begun. Though a small part of him envied the Queen, the better part of him was ever more grateful to her for the comfort she was able to provide. It was impossible to offer his own at this time, but he was hoping that would change very soon.
It was deep into the night cycle once again, but Qui-Gon stubbornly resisted the beckoning call of sleep. Yet it wasn't his own stubborn tendencies that led him here at this hour. The Force was urging it as well, it's call soft and encouraging - -and entirely too persistent to ignore.
A soft sigh drew him from his reverie and back to the bed. Amidala regarded him sleepily as she slowly levered herself into a sitting position. She looked confused for a moment, perhaps unaware that she had slept almost half a day's cycle. He merely smiled at her and said nothing. She turned from him then, to look at the sleeping figure beside her. He could not see her expression as she looked upon the peaceful features that were so dear to him.
However, he did not miss the tenderness in the kiss she placed on his forehead. Nor did he miss the slight turn of Obi-Wan's head as he instinctively turned towards her. Qui-Gon watched as Amidala brought her hand to the side of Obi-Wan's face, slowly tracing the line of his jaw with the back of her fingers. Apparently she was already aware of something that Qui-Gon had taken all too long to realize - - his Obi-Wan loved to be touched, to be held . . . . . to be comforted.
His heart was heavy as he realized just how little of such a thing Obi-Wan had received from him during their years together. How little he had offered. It was not that he hadn't wanted to, just that it wasn't his nature. He had spent so much time distancing himself from Obi-Wan, not wanting to make the same mistakes with him as he'd made with Xanatos. So much time that when he finally realized that there was no cause for such a concern, that their patterns of interaction with each other had already been set.
Oh, how he wished he could go back and change that. How he wished he could have allowed himself to be as open and affectionate with Obi-Wan as he'd become with Anakin.
Anakin.
His eyes closed in anguish, the boy's betrayal still so fresh in his mind. He had given everything to that child, everything! And the worst part was that he had given it so freely. No. The worst part was that it had been so misplaced. It had rightly belonged to another.
Pushing all thoughts of Anakin away, Qui-Gon vowed one thing, then and there.
I will make it right. I will make it up to you, my Obi-Wan. He closed his eyes as one last stray thought made itself known. All you have to do is let me.
When he opened his eyes he noticed that Amidala had made her way towards him and was looking at him strangely. He was about to speak when he heard another voice from behind.
"I was wondering when you were going to wake." Garen said as he entered and approached the Queen, taking her hand. Qui-Gon was not surprised to sense the beginnings of a bond between the two. It had not taken the Knight long to arrive, once he'd sensed that his love was awake.
Amidala looked a bit embarrassed, and still unsure of the hour. "It's all right." Garen said softly. "You needed the rest."
"It's almost 3rd hour, Your Highness." Qui-Gon said in answer to the unspoken question. Amidala looked mildly shocked as she turned her attention back to him.
"Thank you, Master Jinn." She said politely. "Perhaps we should all retire for the remainder of the evening?" It was clear to him that the Queen was not at all comfortable with leaving him there alone with Obi-Wan.
"By all means, Your Highness. Don't let me keep you." He said as diplomatically and sincerely as possible. Yet his intention to stay was clear.
It was clear by the narrowing of her eyes and the pursing of her lips that Amidala was aware of his intention and did not care for it. She seemed to be struggling with her emotions, and was about to speak again when Garen stepped in.
"It should be his decision, not yours, Master Jinn." There was no edge in that voice, like earlier. Just honesty, and a hint of soothing meant for the Queen more so than him no doubt.
He could not argue with that. He'd only wanted to see Obi-Wan, not disturb him or anyone else. He looked to Amidala, his eyes softening. Once again, someone was trying to protect his Obi-Wan, from him. How such a thing ever became necessary he would forever ponder. How had his life taken such a turn? How was it that he'd ended up hurting the only person that had meant more to him than his very own life?
He gave an apologetic smile and a conceding nod to both of them, preparing to leave. The Force was urging him to stay, but he did not want to upset anyone further. He could always come back. He had just turned to leave when he heard a familiar voice.
"Stay." It was weak and small, but unmistakably Obi-Wan.
His heart started slightly at that familiar voice, and he turned slowly to face its owner. Obi-Wan regarded him from eyes still heavily laced with sleep, his expression uncertain and alarmingly vulnerable. There was absolutely nothing Qui-Gon would deny him in that moment.
His entire focus was Obi-Wan. He did not notice when Amidala started forward towards Obi-Wan, only to be stopped by the firm grip of Garen's hand on hers. She looked at him questioningly, but allowed him to lead her from the room with only a quick glance back. They were alone, and the moment he had both dreaded and looked forward to was finally at hand.
He approached the bed slowly, aware of the wary look that Obi-Wan was favoring him with. Though he had been asked to stay, he knew very well that the next move was his. He really wasn't sure where to start, there was so much to be said. Not really stalling, yet wanting to break the silence before it could become awkward, he asked,
"Would you like something to drink?"
"Please" The tone was soft and raspy from hours of sleep.
Qui-Gon moved to the small bedside table and poured Obi-Wan some water before seating himself next to the bed. He noticed that though Obi-Wan had not moved a muscle, his eyes followed Qui-Gon's every movement. It was obvious that Obi-Wan did not know what to expect from him. It hurt to see such uncertainty there, and even more so to know that he was the cause of it.
Obi-Wan abandoned his reclining position, carefully raising himself upright, tucking his legs securely beneath him. When he was settled, Qui- Gon handed him the glass of water, making sure Obi-Wan's grip was firm before letting it go.
Obi-Wan avoided making eye contact for the time being, but Qui-Gon held no such restraint. He drank in the sight of his beloved child - the pale complexion, the dark crescent shaped smudges under the eyes, the silky ginger hair, which was the longest he'd ever seen it on the young man. He was so beautiful to Qui-Gon at that moment, so full of light . . . and life.
He watched as Obi-Wan's free hand went to his eyes, in an attempt to rub away the last remnants of sleep. A surge of tender emotions at the innocent child-like gesture caught him completely off guard. He was stricken with the sudden urge to grab the young man before him and embrace him tightly, vowing to never let him go - - and probably would have done so if such a thing wouldn't startle the young man in question right out of his skin. He understood it was not yet time for that he would have to move slow.
He was still struggling to get his emotions under control when Obi-Wan offered him the empty glass, completely unaware of his inner turmoil. He had wasted so much time with this young man, he did not want to wait a moment more to show him how much he meant to him. He took the cup from Obi- Wan, quickly setting it aside. When Obi-Wan would have pulled his hand back, Qui-Gon grasped it lightly, bringing his other hand to bear as well. Holding the smaller, slender hand between his own, he looked to gauge Obi-Wan's reaction.
He smiled sadly at the shocked expression he saw. His eyes searched that much loved face as he rhetorically asked, "Where to start with you, young one?"
Obi-Wan seemed a bit disconcerted with the intense scrutiny and bowed his head slightly. Stray locks of ginger hair found their way into the knight's face, and acting without thought Qui-Gon reached to brush them away. He paused as Obi-Wan didn't so much as flinch, but move his head back away from him. The knight seemed to catch himself however, and immediately stilled.
Concerned, Qui-Gon continued his gesture, reaching forward to secure the wayward strands behind the knight's ear. Obi-Wan allowed it, and even seemed to unconsciously press the side of his face into that hand, wanting to take advantage of the small contact before it was taken away. Qui-Gon let his hand linger, longing to offer more comfort, but knowing Obi-Wan was not ready to accept it from him. Reluctantly, he withdrew his hand, covering Obi-Wan's once again.
"I've missed you." Qui-Gon allowed all the love, tenderness, and remorse he felt to permeate his words, along with the uncertainty he felt at how they would be received. He squeezed Obi-Wan's hand gently, surprised at the emotion he heard in his own voice.
Obi-Wan looked both startled and doubtful at his admission.
"Is that so hard to believe?" He asked, but he already knew the answer. "Yes, I suppose it would be." He smiled, but there was no humor in it. Silence then, and he let it stretch, unsure of how best to continue. He wanted to apologize, but for what? There were so many things, and suddenly a simple 'I'm sorry' seemed terribly generic and woefully inadequate. Yet he had to start someplace.
"I owe you an apology, Obi-Wan." Another shocked look at that admission. "I can't tell you how sorry I am for hurting you the way I did. I handled things very badly, as a master and as a friend. I let my feelings regarding the boy..." He stopped. He did not want to get into that, and he really could not blame Anakin. It had been his actions that had caused the rift between them. Anakin may have been the catalyst, but he was responsible for his own actions.
"I never meant to hurt you." It was all he could think to say. It was as simple and truthful as that. He watched Obi-Wan, waiting for a response.
The hand he held, tensed slightly, but was not withdrawn. Obi-Wan took a calming breath, letting it out slowly, if shakily. "I know." He said quietly, not looking at him, then "It doesn't matter."
Now, that didn't sound good at all. Obi-Wan's shielding was better, but still not up to full strength. Qui-Gon could sense Obi-Wan's struggle with his emotions, but he was refusing to let them show. That would be perceived as a weakness, one he didn't want to expose his master to. It would only be another disappointment.
Qui-Gon swallowed the hurt he felt at hearing those thoughts, focusing on the man before him instead. Releasing Obi-Wan's hands, he quickly grabbed the young man by his upper arms, pulling him close until they were eye to eye.
"It does matter, Obi-Wan." The anguish in those changeable eyes cut him deeply. "It matters very much. Talk to me, please" He softened his voice, realizing that his frustration with himself had caused his voice to rise.
"There is no emotion. There is . . . ." Obi-Wan responded, and Qui-Gon was almost too shocked to respond. How many times had he said that very thing to this young man? Feeling as if he'd been slapped, he released his hold on Obi-Wan. He could only look at him sadly, wondering how he had managed to do so much damage to one he loved so dearly.
"Yes, well." His voice held the same sadness he felt in his heart. "That is all fine and good when it comes to our duty as Jedi. But never was it meant to be used as a guideline between a master and apprentice, Obi-Wan. Never." He held that bright, uncertain gaze with his own, feeling very ashamed of what he was about to admit.
"I'm afraid that is something I've only recently come to understand myself." He smiled a true smile at Obi-Wan then, aware that his own eyes were becoming increasingly watery.
"It's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry, and it is most certainly okay to love." He took Obi-Wan's hand again, aware that the young man was only barely clinging to his semi-serene facade. He paused before continuing, grateful for the chance to finally say his next words, yet saddened that he had not done so sooner.
"I love you, Obi-Wan. With all of my heart." A slight wobble in that cleft chin, a tear finally breaking free. "You are as dear to me, as any biological child I could ever have. I am more sorry than you will ever know, for making you feel otherwise." Qui-Gon was aware of his own tears flowing as well, but did nothing to hinder them.
Obi-Wan made a small sniffling sound before speaking. His voice unbearably vulnerable, almost undoing Qui-Gon.
"You pushed me away." Hope was warring with doubt.
Qui-Gon caught an image of a distraught Obi-Wan cradling him in the melting pit, after he'd been struck down by the Sith. Surprisingly, it was his actions there that had hurt his former padawan more than anything he'd done in regards to Anakin.
"I could not let you sacrifice yourself for me, Obi-Wan. You were giving too much, you put your own life at risk to save mine. I can't apologize for preventing that, my only regret is that I didn't have the strength to tell you then--how much you mean to me."
Qui-Gon looked into eyes that were desperately daring to hope, but couldn't make the commitment just yet. It was understandable really. He could not hope to put right the wrongs of 13 years in a matter of a few moments. Not to mention whatever damage the Sith had done when he'd altered Obi-Wan's memories. Suddenly a thought struck him. Maybe there was something he could do about that.
"Do you trust me?" He asked Obi-Wan as he took his hand once again, not presuming to know the answer. The corner of his mouth turned slightly upwards at the immediate and somewhat defensive response.
"Of course."
"Enough to open our bond?" Ah, that was a different story by the uncertain look he got. Qui-Gon had no doubt that Obi-Wan would trust him in battle, with his life, but his heart - - that was another matter.
Qui-Gon held out his other hand, hoping Obi-Wan would accept it. He did, but hesitantly. It was enough for Qui-Gon. He spoke again, confident in his course of action.
"Trust me." He held both of Obi-Wan's hands in his, and closed his eyes after offering a reassuring look. He opened the bond fully at his end, and waited. It was a few long disconcerting moments before he felt the tentative touch at the other end.
Oh, it was wonderful to feel that presence in his mind once again. He was heartened to feel that sentiment echoed, albeit timidly, from Obi-Wan as well. The hands he held gripped tighter as he slowly began to lower his shields, letting the depth and sincerity of his feelings swamp the bond.
The grip on his hands grew tighter. Obi-Wan's weakened shields were holding up incredibly well, and the young man was holding onto them with every ounce of his strength - - afraid to let them go, afraid that he would be rejected yet again. He wanted to believe so badly that this was real, that it was true. He'd been hoping for so long though that he didn't know how to let go.
Qui-Gon spoke to him through the bond, allowing all his love and regret to surge forth and press against trembling shields.
/Forgive me/
That did it. His eyes were still closed, but he heard a quiet sob from Obi- Wan. He moved from his chair to sit on the edge of the bed, still holding tightly gripped hands. The shields were still holding, but starting to fracture.
/Let go, my Obi-Wan/ His next words were spoken solemnly, a promise, a vow. /I will catch you./
Shields that were all too weak to begin with finally collapsed, as did Obi- Wan, who was gathered into a tight embrace against Qui-Gon's chest. Qui- Gon acted quickly, using his considerable strength in the Force to wash away the darkness that tainted the young mans memories. He tensed slightly at what he saw, then filed it away to look at later. The here and now was currently more important to attend to.
He rocked his precious child slowly, trying to soothe both body and soul. He brought a hand to the back of the ginger head that rested over his heart, running his fingers through soft clean hair. Obi-Wan had wound his arms around his waist, holding on for all he was worth.
Silent sobs wracked the young frame and Qui-Gon could feel the wetness of tears soaking his tunic. His own face was far from dry as he felt Obi- Wan's emotions for him wash through the bond. There was love first and foremost, a strong and unwavering love that almost staggered him with its intensity. Not nearly as strong but intermingled with other emotions was doubt, confusion, fear, hope, and very cleverly hidden beneath layers of hurt, both old and new . . . . anger.
Obi-Wan made a small pained sound at that, and Qui-Gon soothed him. Letting him know through the bond that it was okay and that they would deal with it together. He had a right to his anger. He was so proud of him for not giving into it. It was to be expected and Qui-Gon knew that they still had a long road ahead of them. It would take time for Obi-Wan to trust his heart to him again. They were together, that's all that mattered. The rest, they would deal with.
For long moments they just held each other, and slowly the emotional storm began to abate. Obi-Wan grew quiet and his body began to relax, Qui-Gon noticeably taking on more of his weight as the young man drifted reluctantly towards sleep. In the end, the Knight was just too exhausted to fight its pull, and a soft sigh escaped the master as the young one finally succumbed - safe within the circle of his arms.
When he moved to find a more comfortable position, Obi-Wan started in his arms, tightening his embrace.
"Shhhhhhh. I'm not going anywhere" Qui-Gon adjusted himself so that he could lean comfortably back against the bed, bringing a sleepy Obi-Wan with him. He was both heartbroken and amused when Obi-Wan brought a hand to rest on his chest, clutching a handful of cloak and holding it tightly, even as he drifted back into the realm sleep.
"I'm not going anywhere," He promised as he placed a kiss on the top of the beloved head. Obi-Wan seemed to relax at his words, though his grip on the cloak never loosened. There was still much to be resolved, but none of that mattered this very second. Qui-Gon decided to take some of his own advice and live in the moment. He spent what was left of the night watching over his beautiful son and guarding his dreams from the nightmares that would inevitably come.
To Be Concluded . . .
(Aug 21, 2005 – Chapter edited, again. Some text changes and some grammatical).