Author's Notes: Well, I know it's been what? At least a month since I last updated? Well, now that Hallowe'en's over, I should be less busy with more time to post. Trust me, October's been a very busy month for myself. On top of school and endless assignments, I also had a costume to make for the Hallowe'en party my friend threw. Let's see you knit a scarf, sew a coat and cloak and the works while balancing IB courses and still find time to update! But was it worth it! And I got a new hair style out of the deal which doesn't take long to do and looks really nice on me (or so everyone has said). I could tell you all about it but I know what you're all really here for is the story (and there are a lot of hobbity Hallowe'en details... so if you're interested in my personal life there's always my livejournal). I know the wait was long but I appreciate you waiting all the same and hopefully this will make up for it. On a final note, BBN closes its forum doors in November 7th. I'm really sad to hear about that... :(

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the late but always great Tolkien. I take no credit.

Pipsqueak Peregrin

Chapter Six: This Means War

That evening I received a severe lecture from cousin Bilbo on the responsibilities of looking after small hobbits. Fortunately, Bilbo told me he would not write home to my mother about it seeing as all the responsibilities of looking after Pippin were still new to me. I was thankful for that much. If Mum was told I had not helped Pippin in his bath she would have me hanged.

Pippin was not about to get away with his stunt though. I took to my room, curling up on the bed in dark thought. I was not about to be outwitted by a toddler. There was a hierarchy to life and just because Pippin was to become the future Thain, he was not Thain yet and therefore still below me. He was not the precious little child everyone else saw. He could walk if he pleased and understood more than he lead on. Pippin was no fool, and I would certainly not allow him to make me look like a fool either. But what as I to do? I certainly could not just get rid of the lad; that was not yet an option. Small, meaningless deeds would have to do for now.

Indeed, framing Pippin for small troubles brought some pleasure to my life and made the rest of my stay at Bag End so much more enjoyable. Whether it was sitting him near the pantry door and coating him in flour to the more devilish deed of breaking china and handing the remains of the dishes to him, the look of confusion on Pippin's face when Bilbo discovered his misdemeanors was virtually priceless.

This clever game of framing was not to last for long however as Pippin began to eventually clue into what I was doing to him. My stay in Hobbiton had finally come to a close and one afternoon I came in from playing in the wild fields to pack up my things. I had planned to do it quietly so as not to seem too eager to leave. As much as I loved old Bilbo and Frodo, I was happily looking forward to going back to Buckland where I was a farthing away from Pippin.

Alone and at peace, I began to fold and put away my clothing and trinkets which I would be taking home with me, thoughts of a Pippin-less world dancing tantalizingly across my mind. I had not been packing for long however, when one of nature's most irrepressible calls came knocking. Abandoning my things, I left the room to take care of business. Upon my return I was greeted by a far less than pleasant surprise. There was Pippin, seated in the centre of my room, my packs all opened wide, and shirts and pants thrown all about the room. He was giggling to himself and seemed to be having a thoroughly good time. I'm not sure how long I stood there before he looked up and noticed me.

"Mer!" The grin on his face only grew wider.

My fists were clenched; I seethed in anger at the mess the lad had created within my room. "PIPPIN!!!"

The smile on Pippin's face vanished in a flash at the tone of my voice. As he looked at me his eyes widened. Although I could tell he was trying to hide it, a hint of fright passed across his face. He looked almost unsure of himself. Catching this hint of weakness, I took a menacing step forward. To my surprise, Pippin took off like a shot, squealing and screaming for Bilbo as he toddled down the hall. His speed and steadiness on his legs startled me. Wasn't this the lad who had only learned to walk a week ago and still had not decided to show any of the adults? Sure enough, it wasn't long before I heard the distinct thud of someone falling onto the floor, shortly followed by loud wailing. I couldn't help but smile to myself but stopped when I took in the mess I would now have to clean.

When I emerged from my room, all my things put away I found Bilbo in the kitchen with Pippin. Pippin was sniffling and munching on a cinnamon snap. He refused to make eye contact with me as I entered.

"Poor lad tried to walk," said Bilbo, answering my invisible question. I pretended to look concerned. "Didn't quite work out."

Pippin's eyes were wide and teary when he chanced to glance up at me. Still sniffling, he finished his biscuit and sat quietly in Bilbo's lap, playing with one of his unruly curls. He shot me an accusing and almost hurt stare. I stared stonily back. What was he mad at me for? He was the one who had tried to walk on his own two feet and failed! I hadn't done a thing!

Fortunately, Bilbo diverted Pippin's attention for the moment. "You're looking a little tired. My goodness, it must be time for your nap!" Pippin murmured something quietly; I didn't catch what it was. "We'll set you down for a rest and you'll be all nice and refreshed for when your mum comes to get you. How's that sound, my boy?"

Pippin nodded vaguely and Bilbo carried him out of the room. While Pippin's nap time meant a welcome silence fell upon the hobbit hole, the slightest noise would earn one a severe glare. It appeared I wasn't the only one who enjoyed the peace which befell the world when Pippin was sound asleep. This was not to last long however as naps meant Pippin awoke refreshed and full of energy once again rendering the area around him a disaster zone. Fortunately, this afternoon was the afternoon I would finally be leaving and if anyone could keep Pippin under control it was his own mother.

Frodo was on the floor, playing with Pippin when Auntie Eglantine arrived. At the arrival of his mother, Pippin forgot all about his cousin and did something no one expected. With a joyous cry of "Mama!" Pippin pulled himself to his feet and awkwardly made his way across the room to his mother. I watched carefully, almost willing him to fall, but Pippin just kept going. Frodo had frozen in place, staring at Pippin in sudden surprise. Bilbo and Auntie Eglantine watched in amazement as Pippin went over to them and hugged his mother around the knees.

"My word..." breathed Bilbo.

Auntie Elgantine was all smiles as she scooped Pippin up into her arms. "My wee lad's walking now! Aren't we becoming a big boy!" Pippin giggled.

I looked over and gave Frodo a look which clearly said, "I told you he could walk." Frodo wasn't paying attention. Everyone was all looking at Pippin, impressed by his trek across the room. I sighed, quietly thinking to myself. I should have seen this coming. Pippin could not beat me at my own game of mischief so he went back to doing what he knew he could do well: usurp me with his level of cuteness. Now that his mother had seen him walk along with Bilbo, word would soon spread through all the relations that the future Thain was walking now. It's all anyone would be talking about and I would once again find myself cast aside once more.

With these thoughts in my mind, I left the room to fetch my bags. I didn't know whether to be angry or sad at what was surly going to happen now. One thing was for sure though: I certainly wasn't happy about it all. Then again, maybe I was still just upset with Pippin over trashing my room. Maybe what I needed was a nice, long, peaceful cart ride. Sure, that was it. Just some time for clear thinking.

Unfortunately, one can find it extremely difficult to think clearly when surrounded by family. Auntie Eglantine kept telling the driver all about Pippin's walk. Pippin meanwhile, was becoming fussy about the lack of attention on him. This cart ride didn't seem to intrigue him as much as the first which made for a very grumpy little hobbit and a very long ride to Buckland.

Home was a much welcomed paradise though. It felt good to be back at Brandy Hall and Mum and Dad seemed really glad to have me back too. That is before Mum found out from Auntie about Pippin's "new" abilities. Then of course she forgot about me. At least Dad appeared to be nearly unfazed by this news but it was little compensation. Fortunately, I still had Fatty. He was always a comfort and was ever so supportive of me when I explained to him my pipsqueak troubles the following day.

"Seems a shame for you to be replaced," he said. "I never thought it would happen."

"So you think that's what's going to happen?" I asked.

"Well, that's what it looks like," Fatty replied. "I mean, Pippin's obviously won all the attention from his parents. Not to mention you said Bilbo and Frodo Baggins no longer had time for you. Now Pippin's moving in on your parents. It's only a matter of time, Merry."

I frowned. "Well what am I supposed to do?!"

Fatty smiled. It was obvious a sneaky idea had played into his head. "There's not much you can do. Pippin's here to stay by the looks of things. There's only one other option. But... you wouldn't do that."

I looked from Fatty to the dirt I had been working my feet into. Fatty was right. I wouldn't do that because I couldn't. It just wasn't possible... or was it? Fatty was right; Pippin was here to stay and it did seem that he was intent on replacing me and succeeding so far. But where Fatty was wrong was in my acceptance of the matter. I was not about to lie down and allow myself to be removed from my place in the family. Meriadoc Brandybuck was no pushover.

But what was I to do and how was I expected to go about doing it? I stayed awake that night, turning those questions over in my mind, searching relentlessly for a way to fix things. Then it came to me. An idea so perfect it had to work. I smiled to myself. Pippin had to go. And I knew just how to get rid of him...

Yes, Merry is an evil little hobbit. And so, I leave you to speculate on life, the universe, everything, and what no doubt dastardly deed Merry is concocting against poor Pippin.