I wake up every morning, just a little after five. Get out of bed, run some cold water on my face and then I look in the mirror. And every morning I think the same thing; I don't look like my sister, Betty or my brother, Anthony. I don't look like my mama, and I don't look nothing like my daddy.
But that's cause Rafe McCawley ain't my real daddy. My real daddy, Danny Walker, died in Japan; a war hero. Him and Rafe left just a few days after my mama found out she was gonna have me, and he was killed just a little while after that. He was a pilot. And Rafe swears to this day that Danny Walker was the best man he ever knew, and the best friend he ever had. Damn good pilot, too, Rafe will tell me.
I know Rafe loves me, and he's always treated me like his son. To Rafe, I am his son. And he's real proud of me, says I'll grow up to be a good man. But sometimes I wonder if Rafe is proud of me, like I'm his boy, or if he's proud of me because I'm Danny's, and he loved Danny so much. I'm guessing it doesn't really matter, but I wonder just the same.
I also wonder if I'm legitimate. Legitimate is the word they used to use to describe kids who were born outside of marriage. Some people still use it today, but mama says it's a silly word, and that as long as I'm living and breathing I'm legitimate enough for her. I'm not sure. Because you see, my mama wasn't ever married to Danny Walker. She says she loved him, as much as you possibly can love a person, but that it's a long story, and hard to understand. She told me the story once. Can't say I cared too much for it. Just made me a little uncomfortable is all.
You see, Rafe and my mama were together, before she ever fell in love with Danny Walker, before the war came to the States. But then Rafe got called to Britain, to fly fighter planes, and word was he'd died in a dog-fight, drowned in the ocean. Mama says she and Danny died, too, when they found out. Both of them completely broke down, and it took them a while to stand up again. But when they did, they comforted each other, and eventually fell in love. They were together for a while, long enough to matter, and long enough for mama to become pregnant with me.
And then Rafe came back. He'd never really died at all. It was a mistake. A misunderstanding. And he was plenty hurt when he found about my mama and Danny. Took the bombing of Pearl Harbor for him to get past it and realize that there were bigger things out there to be worried about. Like a war. After December 7, him and Danny got shipped over seas, and right before they left Mama told Rafe about her being pregnant. And I guess you know the rest.
It leaves me wondering...our Pastor says making babies outside of marriage is a sin. Does that make me a sin? Illegitimate?
I look just like him, my real daddy. I've only seen a few pictures, but Mama swears it's true. Says I'm every bit as handsome, and just as tall. Sometimes when she sees me, she stares for a moment, and I know I've startled her, looking so much like Danny Walker. Happens more and more as I get older. Happens with Rafe too. He'll see me out of the corner of his eye, cuss like he jammed his thumb or something, and then his eyes start so water, so I look away.
Sometimes I wonder if he's watching me from heaven. Haven't ever asked anyone, but I think maybe so. I think maybe he's looking out for me. It's hard sometimes, being a dead man's son, but the hardness isn't so bad if I believe he's looking on. Helps me remember I ain't Danny Walker and no one expects me to be. Helps me remember I'm Dan McCawley, and that's enough.
But that's cause Rafe McCawley ain't my real daddy. My real daddy, Danny Walker, died in Japan; a war hero. Him and Rafe left just a few days after my mama found out she was gonna have me, and he was killed just a little while after that. He was a pilot. And Rafe swears to this day that Danny Walker was the best man he ever knew, and the best friend he ever had. Damn good pilot, too, Rafe will tell me.
I know Rafe loves me, and he's always treated me like his son. To Rafe, I am his son. And he's real proud of me, says I'll grow up to be a good man. But sometimes I wonder if Rafe is proud of me, like I'm his boy, or if he's proud of me because I'm Danny's, and he loved Danny so much. I'm guessing it doesn't really matter, but I wonder just the same.
I also wonder if I'm legitimate. Legitimate is the word they used to use to describe kids who were born outside of marriage. Some people still use it today, but mama says it's a silly word, and that as long as I'm living and breathing I'm legitimate enough for her. I'm not sure. Because you see, my mama wasn't ever married to Danny Walker. She says she loved him, as much as you possibly can love a person, but that it's a long story, and hard to understand. She told me the story once. Can't say I cared too much for it. Just made me a little uncomfortable is all.
You see, Rafe and my mama were together, before she ever fell in love with Danny Walker, before the war came to the States. But then Rafe got called to Britain, to fly fighter planes, and word was he'd died in a dog-fight, drowned in the ocean. Mama says she and Danny died, too, when they found out. Both of them completely broke down, and it took them a while to stand up again. But when they did, they comforted each other, and eventually fell in love. They were together for a while, long enough to matter, and long enough for mama to become pregnant with me.
And then Rafe came back. He'd never really died at all. It was a mistake. A misunderstanding. And he was plenty hurt when he found about my mama and Danny. Took the bombing of Pearl Harbor for him to get past it and realize that there were bigger things out there to be worried about. Like a war. After December 7, him and Danny got shipped over seas, and right before they left Mama told Rafe about her being pregnant. And I guess you know the rest.
It leaves me wondering...our Pastor says making babies outside of marriage is a sin. Does that make me a sin? Illegitimate?
I look just like him, my real daddy. I've only seen a few pictures, but Mama swears it's true. Says I'm every bit as handsome, and just as tall. Sometimes when she sees me, she stares for a moment, and I know I've startled her, looking so much like Danny Walker. Happens more and more as I get older. Happens with Rafe too. He'll see me out of the corner of his eye, cuss like he jammed his thumb or something, and then his eyes start so water, so I look away.
Sometimes I wonder if he's watching me from heaven. Haven't ever asked anyone, but I think maybe so. I think maybe he's looking out for me. It's hard sometimes, being a dead man's son, but the hardness isn't so bad if I believe he's looking on. Helps me remember I ain't Danny Walker and no one expects me to be. Helps me remember I'm Dan McCawley, and that's enough.