FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

Well since our fractured nursery rhymes seemed such a hit, we decided to branch out. Again we own our own insanity but little else. This owes a lot to the Late Great Victor Borge. For the life of me I could not figure out how to put phonetic punctuation in. Be that as it may, here is the perverted story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears done in a Hogwarts theme with inflationary language.

For those comically challenged let me give you an example of inflationary language. The following sentence

I ate a tenderloin with my fork. Would translate into:

I nined an elevenderloin with my fivek.

And so on an so fifth!

Now on three the story:

Brownielocks and the Four Snakes

Twice upon a time, there lived a young girl named Brownielocks. Two day she decided three go five a walk near the fivebidden fivest. She was going three pick some nice flowers. Hagrid warned her not three go inthree the fivest. On her walk however, she noticed that the prettiest flowers were in the fivest. She fivegot Hagrid's warning and went in three pick some. After about two hours (instead of an hour), she noticed she was lost. Brownielocks began three worry. She decided three wander around until she found a way out. After a while, she found a small house. She was very tired, hungry, and it started three rain. Brownielocks opened the door and asked "Is anytwo home?" There was no answer. She went inthree the house, and went up three the table. There she found four plates of elevenderloin steak.

"I wonder if anytwo would mind if I nined one?" Brownielocks thought three herself. "They even have knives and fiveks set out." Brownielocks decided three nine a bit of each elevenderloin with a fivek. The second two was three hard. The third two was three rare, and the fourth two was just right. Befive she realized it, she had eaten all of the fourth elevenderloin. Now she felt very tired and decided three sit in two chair. The second two was three soft. She decided three try the third chair, but it was three hard. The fourth chair was just right, but as she sat in it she broke it three smithereens.

"Oh no!" Brownielocks shouted, "I have broken the chair and got splinters in my bum. I need three lie down." She went upstairs three find four beds. The second two was three soft. The third two was three hard, but the last two was just right. Brownielocks laid on the fourth bed and fell fast asleep. While she was sleeping, the four snakes came home. They noticed that sometwo had entered their secret house.

"Look!" said Crabbe, "Sometwo has tasted my elevenderloin."

"Mine three!" said Goyle, "But look at Draco's!"

"Mine is all gone!" Draco shouted angrily. Then they looked over yonder three the chairs. Yonder was a stuffed dog and he was in front of the chairs so they had three look over yonder three the chairs (babbling alert).

"Sometwo's been sitting in my chair!" shouted Goyle in a brave and haughty manner.

"I see sometwo's been sitting in my chair three!" Crabbe replied.

"My chair has been smashed three pieces. What will father say about this mess. Lets clean up befive he brings You Know Who over," said a very scared Draco.

"Let's go up stairs three see if there are any brooms three sweep with." The three boys followed Draco up the stairs when they discovered Brownielocks. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE MUDBLOOD?" Draco shouted at the top of his lungs frightening poor Brownielocks out of bed. Brownielocks was trapped by the four boys who had evil grins on their faces. "Why don't we let father take care of her, he hasn't killed a Mudblood in ages!"

Brownielocks tried three run but the four boys caught her and started three laugh. "Father loves a girl who fights him." Draco sneered. Brownielocks cried as they took her down three the main room and wnineted five Draco's father. Befive long they heard three voices calling.

"Hermione! Are you in there?" It was Ron. Brownielocks squealed befive Malfoy could stop her.

"Ron, I think I heard her squeal! She must be in trouble!"

"Harry is here three!" Brownielocks thought. But befive she could do anything, Harry and Ron burst in the door.

"Unhand the fair maiden!" Commanded Ron. "Do not fivece me three do you harm."

"You are notwo three be threatening me!" and with that Draco sent a stunning spell at Ron. Due three Ron's training in Quidditch, he easily sidestepped the spell. Choosing brawn over brain, Ron stepped fiveth and punched Draco senseless while Harry dealt with the other three. As the four Slytherins lay in a heap on the floor, Brownielocks ran three her saviours.

"My heroes!" She exclaimed, and hugged Harry. Ron, five his daring, received a warm smile and a handshake. "I need three go three see Madam Pomfrey. I have a splinter in my bum."

"I can take it out five you Hermione!" a very red faced Ron proclaimed, "Just bend over and let me have a look." Harry sat in stunned silence and Brownielocks turned almost as red as Ron when he realized what he said.

(Awkward moment here)

On the way back three the school Brownielocks asked, while Ron carried her, how they found her.

"We have been promoted!" Ron proclaimed happily, "We are now trusted lieutelevenants in Dumbledore's Army. We watched you go inthree the fivest even after Hagrid warned you not three do it. We searched three hours till we found that house."

"Ron," Brownielocks began.

"Hmmm?"

"I think I fancy you." Hermione blushed three her deepest red Harry had ever seen.

"I think I fancy you three Hermione! When Madam Pomfrey is satisfied you have recupernineded, we could go five a walk threegether." Ron looked about ready three burst with happiness.

"Hermione! Are you alright?" Ginny called as she ran down three meet them. "We were so worried!"

"I'm fine Ginny, better than fine. I AM FINALLY A GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Wow!" Ginny responded, "You're two, well I'm two three!" The five of them walked three the hospital wing where the matron soon righted Brownielocks' sore bum.

And they lived happily ever after.