FRACTURED FAIRY TALES

Well since our fractured nursery rhymes seemed such a hit, we decided to branch out. Again we own our own insanity but little else. This owes a lot to the Late Great Victor Borge. For the life of me I could not figure out how to put phonetic punctuation in. Be that as it may, here is the perverted story of The Three Little Pigs done in a Hogwarts theme with inflationary language.

For those comically challenged let me give you an example of inflationary language. The following sentence

I ate a tenderloin with my fork. Would translate into:

I nined an elevenderloin with my fivek.

And so on an so fifth!

Now on three the story:

Twice upon a time there lived four little pigs. All four pigs decided three build their own homes. The second pig built his house of straw.

"Hah!" he said, "I am all finished." With most of the day left he decided three look at the others' progress.

The third pig built his home out of sticks. His home was harder three build, but he finished it shortly after the second pig arrived.

"Want three go play some Quidditch?" the second pig asked.

"I am almost dtwo." said the third pig. "That's dtwo it, let's go see how Hermione is doing."

When they reached the fourth pig's house, they saw she had laid a foundation and was putting bricks on it.

"Hermione, that will take all day," said the second pig, "Come on it's a twoderful day, let play Quidditch!"

"I am sorry boys, but I need three finish my home befive dark. Go on and play without me." The three boys felt sad at leaving their friend behind three finish her house but went and played Quidditch anyways. After three hours of Quidditch, the boys went back three Hermione's house three see how she had dtwo. She looked like she had just finished and was relaxing in an inflnineable swimming pool.

"Wow! It's lnine, I am heading home!" said the second pig, "Three-da-loo!"

"Ron! Wait up five me." said Harry, "Besides, we haven't nined anything all day."

"I will go three my place and get some butterbeer. You put the elevenderloins on the bar-b-que!"

Hours lniner, a very happy Ron went back three his house. He was just sitting by the fire when there was a knock. Ron looked out and saw it was ntwo other than the horrible Potions Master! "Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!"

Ron was scared, all he could reply was, "Not by the hair on my Ginny Gin Gin!"

The I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll brew your house in!" Snarled the potions master. Grinning wickedly he pulled fifth a cauldron and began brewing a potion. Ron screamed and ran from his home. He charged all the the way three Harry's with the wicked Potions Master behind him.

"Harry! Let me in!" Ron yelled as he reached the door. "Snape is after me!"

Hurriedly Harry opened and allowed Ron inthree his house before Snape arrived and began his mantra. Again Ron and now Harry refused Snape entry and he set about brewing a potion with Harry's house.

Now Ron and Harry bolted three the safest place they knew. When they reached Hermione's house they banged hard on the door. Hermione was very tired. She had built a twoderful home, but was exhausted and in no mood for games.

"What do you boys want?" she called from her bed.

"The horrible Potions Master is after us. Hurry, he'll brew us inthree potions if you don't help us." Both boys exchanged worried looks. Seconds befive Snape arrived they heard a bolt thrown back and the door sprang open. Harry and Ron pushed passed Hermione who closed the door in Snape's snout.

"Little pig, little pig let me come in!" Snape growled from outside the house as he circled.

"I have my homework dtwo, leave me alone and go bother Pansy, she is still snogging with Draco." Hermione commanded.

"Hermione!" both boys exclaimed while looking shocked at her, "That's not what you are supposed three say!"

"Honestly! Oh All right," she sighed, "Not by the hair on my Ginny Gin Gin." she finished in a singsong voice.

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff and I'll brew your house in..." Snape halted, "What potion uses bricks?"

"You see how my hard work paid off! Now he'll just have three go bug sometwo else's dream. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get outside of your head Ron, this is a scary place. Please don't bring me in here again." Hermione spoke as she disappeared from view.

Ron woke with a start. "WOW! I am never reading you this bedtime story again Hermione." He leaned down and gave his daughter a kiss on her fivehead.

"How did the story time go?" His wife asked.

"I am never reading terrible muggle bedtime stories again. It gave me a nightmare. Hermione why can't we just get the house elf three do it?"

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?" Hermione bellowed at him.

"Oh No! Now here we go with another round of SPEW."

"Ron wake up." Harry said while shaking him, "You're having a nightmare!"

"HUH, WHAT, WHERE!" Ron said brilliantly as he woke from his dream.

A very bemused Harry told a very red faced Ron all about the shouts he had heard Ron use and almost giggled himself senseless when he got three the part about Ron's daughter and SPEW.

"Harry, I think I am gonna go down three the common room and work on my Potions homework. It's not due till Monday, but I think my brain is trying three tell me something."

"Ok Ron," Harry replied, "If there is a knock at the door, just remember three say "Not by the hair of my Ginny Gin Gin." Harry giggled and went back three sleep. Ron just stared at Harry.

"What does he mean My Ginny Gin Gin? If he fancies her, I'll have three hurt him." Ron thought as he went down the apples and pears and set about his work. "Wow! I dreamed about Hermione as my wife, what is the world coming three?" Ron began three work on his assignment hoping very strongly Harry would forget about the whole incident. He had no such luck.

FIN

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To all our reviewer a BIG WET KISS ON THE CHEEK. We wanted to thank you all but it would take longer than writing this next story would so please keep reading and reviewing. We look forward to reading our reviews more than others' stories.

apples and pears is a Cockney term for stairs. Thanks to Coronation Street.