Chapter 85: Arm's Length

"Right," Harrian started determinedly after a moment's silence, almost sounding like his old self as he spoke. "It's time we got down to business; no more messing around, no more skeletons of the past. Please. We need to find Irenicus." Although his tone was light, there was a slight edge to his voice which made Jaheira want to shiver.

The thief placed the slim volume they'd found in Bodhi's lair on the table before them. "This," he declared firmly, "is Irenicus' journal. Now I'm glad that the evil madmen like to leave journals for us to find, as it's proven handy in the past. Though I rather wish we'd remained ignorant, considering what Irenicus is doing."

Anomen grimaced slightly, leaning forwards, completely oblivious to Harrian's mood as he dwelt on his own dark thoughts. "The drow?" he managed at last, raising an eyebrow. "The dark elves in Ust Natha. How are we supposed to find out just what Irenicus is doing with them so we can intercept him when he returns?"

Harrian gave the cleric a long, pensive look. "We don't," he declared at last. "We go down there after him. We give chase, damn it!" This last declaration was punctuated with him slamming his fist down on the table, and everyone jumped as the tankards rocked, spilling a little of their contents.

"Give chase… in the Underdark," Imoen mused, and had the situation not been so dire she would have been vaguely entertained. "Spy on the drow, masters of deception and lies – except for Cyricists, of course – and extrapolate the plans of a psychotic mage without being found then hung, drawn and quartered?"

Harrian glared at her, displaying just how frayed his nerves were. "Would you rather he got away with your –" There was a long pause as the mage gave him a venomous glance, silencing him as he threatened her secret. The thief hesitated a moment, then seemed to regain a semblance of control. "Would you rather he got away?" he amended, looking a little calmer.

Minsc looked outright indignant. "No! Say it is not so! The evil mage deserves all the fury we can bring upon him, and more besides! The righteous heroes shall kick his butt in vengeance for all he has –"

"Yes, yes, yes," Harrian interrupted the berserker flippantly, shaking his head. "Very good, Minsc, very good. We're going to get this bastard, mark my words." He took a deep, faltering breath as he sat up. "We don't know what Irenicus is up to; only that he requires an alliance with the drow to make it so. That's going to be something pretty damned big."

Anomen pinched the bridge of his nose wearily. "One does not simply walk into the Underdark," he muttered unhappily, shaking his head. "It is folly. Absolute folly." The priest of Helm looked so certain in his opinion that the others glanced at each other, far less certain of their goal than before.

Harrian stood angrily, glaring at the cleric. "If you do not wish to help me, then you may leave, now!" he snapped, shaking with a sudden fury. The tavern fell silent around them, and other patrons gave glances in his direction.

"Sit down," Anomen replied quietly, his voice soft yet forceful. The thief glowered, but slowly complied, still clearly incensed. "I think I have proven to you that my loyalty is unquestionable," the cleric continued firmly, "and I will stand by you, whatever you do. But I will not be happy to follow you to the depths of madness; think rationally, Harrian."

The thief calmed slowly, still visibly simmering. "I am thinking rationally," he mumbled sulkily. "We are to give chase into the Underdark. We merely need to find out… how it can be done. A teleportation spell of some sort?" he looked at Imoen hopefully.

The mage shifted uncomfortably. "Hey, I… I don't know much about this kind of stuff. You know I haven't done much studying; it's more intuitive… I wouldn't even know where to begin with it. This isn't my area." She looked genuinely apologetic, and troubled.

Harrian scrubbed his face with his hands wearily. "Then what," he started testily, "are we supposed to do?" Silence greeted him, and the thief let out a tired sigh. "Alright, alright, you bunch of incompetents. Here's what we'll do. Yosh –"

The silence somehow seemed to become heavier as he stopped himself, looking up at the faces of his friends and comrades, each of them looking varying degrees of uncomfortable. Harrian sighed once more, and looked at the group's bard. "Haer'Dalis, can you do some digging? Take a look around, see if we can find someone who could possibly help us?"

The tiefling seemed to consider this for a moment, but the threatening and encouraging glare from Jaheira halted any hesitation on his part, and the blade nodded solemnly. "It shall be as you say, my raven. Research should not be a challenge."

Harrian nodded once more, still regarding the confused faces before him. He stood jerkily, stretching a little to relieve the taut muscles in his back. "Uh… yes. Quite. I'm going for a walk," he declared jerkily. "Just… get to it."

The five looked at each other, nobody willing to break the silence as Harrian quickly exited the tavern. It was as if all energy had been sapped from them during the conversation; indeed, the task that loomed ahead, coupled with recent calamities and the condition of their leader, was ominous and demoralising.

Jaheira raised a hand slowly as she stood, one eye on the door. "I suggest that all of you band together to see what you can find. Visit the temple of Oghma, find Tellis, visit whatever magical low-life you need to get this done." She turned slowly. "I'll see to Harrian."

The thief had not got far out the door, striding purposelessly in the marketplace, avoiding the beggars, courtesans and merchants doing their various trades, but he was so lost in his thoughts that he could not have made an attempt to avoid Jaheira if he'd wanted to. Not that the possibility crossed the druid's mind as she swiftly caught up with him.

He jumped slightly as she slid into the corner of his vision, too preoccupied to have noticed her arrival. The expression of astonishment, a little more than was necessary for have merely been taken aback by a sudden arrival, was swiftly covered up with a sheepish grin, albeit one tinged with small amount of trepidation. "Do you have to keep doing that?" he asked wryly, not slowing his speedy pace.

Jaheira shrugged, glancing at him briefly as they approached the river. "I do nothing. You are the one who failed to notice me." There was a long pause as the two of them slowed gradually, eventually coming to a stop just out of the flow of people in the main street. "How are you?"

Harrian's smile became increasingly humourless as he regarded her, a little irritation creeping into his expression. "I turn into a giant killer monster on cue. How do you think I'm doing?" he demanded shortly.

"I expected this much," she murmured, then took a step forward and grasped his hands. "Don't be afraid. We can take care of this, I promise you." There was no reaction from the Bhaalspawn as he lowered his head slowly, doing nothing but stare at her hands mutely. She extracted one hand from his grip and lifted it to his chin, raising his gaze to meet her in the eyes. "You hear me?"

There was a long pause, and for a moment Jaheira felt as if she was staring at someone else, so distanced was the look in his eyes. Then the closed, guarded and hurt expression returned, and Harrian pulled back hurriedly. "Jaheira… don't. I'll take care of things. On my own… please."

She frowned slightly, then raised an eyebrow. "Harrian, if you're to get through this, it will be easier if you allow us to help you. We're all here for you; Imoen, Anomen, Minsc… and me. I will support you, no matter –"

"No, you won't," Harrian told her firmly, raising his hands. "I'm too much of a danger for you to get close to me. I cannot and will not ask you to leave my company; not after everything. I know you'd ignore me anyway. But, by the Gods, for your own good do not let us go back down the path we started on."

Jaheira stared at him, astonished. "Do not be a fool, Harrian!" she declared at last, half-laughing. "Yes, there is danger, and yes I see it… but is this not my decision to make rather than yours? I do not need you to protect me; I am here to help you. Help you because I… care for you, Harrian."

He rolled his eyes, her holding back of her true feelings – whatever they were – quite clear to both of them. "Just as I care for you, Jaheira," was the slow, steady retort. "Which is why I'm telling – yes, telling – you to, as it's the best for both of us, stay away from me. I don't want you to end up being hurt."

"And so, because you're afraid of yourself, you're making this choice for both of us, even if it's the least logical and does little more than allows you to run off and isolate yourself, thus intensifying your condition? Before you say anything, I know you'll do that. I'm the one who always has to drag you back," Jaheira responded sharply, folding her arms across her chest.

Harrian hesitated for a moment, and she thought for a second that she had reached him as his expression softened. Then his face closed again, and he shook his head. "Yes, I'm making this decision, whatever it does to me. Because it minimises damage, and keeps you safe, as per my vow. And so, with the smallest number of people in the party hurt, it increases the chance of this quest succeeding."

The two of them stood, staring at each other for a long while, running matters through in their own heads, fighting – once again – the eternal battle between heart and mind. Then, slowly, Harrian turned away and continued walking, leaving Jaheira behind and feeling, once again, lost in her heart.