It was bright. And it smelled a little musty, like old person concentrate with a dash of lemon. And there were too many people, but he knew that could be easily fixed. As long as the mainframe would let him, but that was looking doubtful. At least for now. His cart was revealed to inhibit the incessant nature of squeaking each wheel with every foot of movement, and always veering to the right. He needed to go left. It was definitely not a pleasant experience.
The checker flashed a sick and rather lopsided smile as he approached. He noticed her name tag was rather strange – it displayed her exceedingly long name 'Elizabethanne Stephanopolis', with a smaller note that read, 'You know, like the news guy!'. He felt the now common pang of jealousy hit again – he never got a name tag, and if he ever did, he was sure that it wouldn't be as intricate as the one Elizabethanne was wearing.
"Hi there," she drawled, revealing a slight Southern accent. She flashed another lopsided grin as he began to hand her his merchandise.
Elizabethanne Stephanopolis (You know, like the news guy?) wasn't surprised when he didn't reply to her greeting. Lots of people didn't. It made more sense when she began to check his items one by one.
Shoe polish, laxative, ice cream – all the items only a businessman would possess. Plus, it was metamucil double coupon day, so laxatives had been selling quickly. What did surprise her was the items that followed.
Sunglasses, sunglasses, sunglasses…
"Stocking up?" she mused, plastering her dopey smile all over her face. Stop smiling!, He silently begged. She continued to grin.
He said nothing, so she silently continued to ring up the merchandise. So many… she thought, he must have bought us out completely..
"Alright," she said after finishing. She swiped at a bug. Stupid gnats…
"That'll be 202.66," she told him. The man made no movement to pay her.
"Why don't you check it again?"
She swiped at a bug. Stupid gna- hey, she realized, déjà vu!
"Déjà vu!" she proudly exclaimed, glancing about the store in search of the trigger. She didn't find it, and instead decided to explain herself.
"Do you ever get that?" she asked stupidly, "Déjà vu is so funny."
The man was staring at her.
"Oh, sorry. That'll be 154.02," she said. He made no move to pay her.
"Why don't you check it again?"
She swiped at a – hey, déjà vu!
"Déjà vu!" she proudly exclaimed, glancing about the store. She decided to explain herself.
"Do you ever…." Hey, she realized, déjà vu!
"Ummm…" she continued, her mind beginning to go in circles, "…Uhh."
He was growing impatient. The glitches weren't working nearly as effective as he'd hoped.
"Oh," she finally said, rubbing her head. She was developing a headache quickly – why couldn't he have gone to register two??
"Ah, that'll be 24.49," she said, smiling another lopsided and now thoroughly confused grin.
The man pulled some money out of his pocket and began to count slowly. Still not enough, he silently raged. A line was beginning to form behind him – he could hear the customers' impatient sighs from behind him. He'd have to hurry if he wanted to avoid a confrontation. But who knew how much more the primitive checker would take? Probably not much. One more try.
"Why don't you check it one more time?" he asked with an exasperated sigh. "I need it cheaper."
Okay, she thought as she swatted at a gnat, the stupid things…
"Déjà vu," she said detachedly, her headache growing more painful. She had the intense and growing feeling that she had done the exact thing times before…
"Deja… vu…" she repeated, her head now pounding. I need a break, she quietly whined, rubbing her temples.
"The price?"
"Ahh," she mumbled, "ah… right."
"That's ah…" she squinted her eyes, hoping that her muddled brain would right itself, "that's gonna be 3.95," she told him. The man proudly shoved a handful of coins towards her. She hated it when they did that – make her count everything… - but didn't say anything. Elizabethanne Stephanopolis (you know, like the news guy?) just prayed that the man would never show up at her neighborhood drug store ever again.
"Perfect change!" she exclaimed in a perfect feign of friendliness, popping open the happy register. She playfully plunked the money in and closed it again with a bang. The man flinched at each jarring noise.
"I'll put your receipt in the bag," she told him, starting to smile again. Her headache began to lessen as she placed the long roll of paper in one of his many sacks. He didn't say a word as he picked up the bags from his cart and left.
"Have a good day," she cheered as she moved his cart back to its home, but he had already left. What a dumpus, she thought with regret, walking back to her cubicle of checkerdom. Just another notch in the strange customer belt. She took her quick break from work to notch it, as it was displayed in the back room.
The man was surprised when a lady approached him when he had exited the store, her eyes on fire. She's got guile, he thought, feeling a little threatened. He gave her some room and waited for the onslaught. She licked her lips a few times before speaking.
"Do you even know how to park?!" she asked, a bubble of spit landing on his face. The woman had fake teeth, and seemed to be having trouble keeping them in.
"You think you're so high and mighty," she continued, mocking his impeccable posture. Her top dentures suddenly popped out, and she shoved a hand forward to catch them from falling. She quickly jammed them back into her mouth and stared at the man in fury. He silently asked the mainframe for relief, but they told him not to eliminate anyone that day. It was Monday, and they were already backed up from the weekend.
"Oh," she said, suddenly stepping backwards, "Am I boring you? Am I a joke?" she scoffed, shaking her head slowly. And then she punched him square in the face.
He didn't move, but was a little shocked at the random act of violence. He hadn't expected it at all, and stumbled backwards from the force. He waited a second to let his eyes right themselves before trying to think. He wanted to cry from the shock of it all, but held it in. He didn't want another embarrassing situation like last time… It came out as a high-pitched sigh.
"Wierdo," she called, finally going back to her car, which looked a little like a canoe on wheels. His sunglasses fell to the ground in two pieces.
His partner suddenly appeared at his side.
"People," he breathed.
The first man pulled out a new pair of sunglasses from one of his bags, and put them on his naked eyes.
"Nice," the other said, nodding his head in approval.
"I think the term is 'magenta'," he replied, adjusting them appropriately.
"The hearts suit you," the second one said. They both nodded silently for a moment before they picked up their bags again to head out to the car.
But it wasn't where they left it – conveniently located in two parking spaces – just to make sure that they didn't get any door dings. It certainly seemed like a waste to remake their car only because of a ding…
"Not again," one moaned, smacking himself in the face. The other clenched his jaw in a feign of masculinity.
Their car was being towed. And rather quickly – the truck was already pulling their sweet wheels away and out of the small parking lot.
"Oh no he di'nt," the one without sunglasses said, "I'm not letting this happen again." But he didn't move.
Suddenly the tow truck was gone, and in its place was a large puff of green smoke that slowly spread through the lot of cars. Both of them heard a scream come from inside of the store, and heard someone shout "That's it, I've finally lost it!". The one guessed that the final glitch had done her in.
Their car bounced to the ground and rolled it's way backwards, and before either of them could say 'jinkies!', it had already slammed into another parked car.
"Damn," was their simultaneous reply. They looked at each other for a moment, then ran to their car without another word. They backed up, and screeched out of the parking lot with a significant new ding on the rear bumper. Their hearts fell at the thought of remaking their car again – they had been doing it so often now…
They checked their rearview mirror frequently during their drive back to the condo, just to make sure. They had been pulled over before, and both were sure that they'd be in trouble if they had to get themselves out of jail twice in one month.
"Metamucil?" the one asked, offering the other the can as he drove.
"Delightful," he replied, taking a powdery swig from the plastic container. He grimaced while chewing.
The other adjusted his sunglasses again. Just another eventful day in the life of Brown and Jones.
Meh, I wish I were funny. This is just a few random thoughts of mine. More chapters, but very slowly. Funny flows like glue.
Comments? Ideas?