Chapter 94: Looking Inside

Harrian had expected the Underdark to be distinctly colder than it actually was. As the party trudged along, following his lead as he strode ahead, occasionally referring to the distinctly rough map he had acquired, he marvelled at his surroundings.

So few adventurers would brave the Underdark voluntarily. Though, he supposed, this was hardly voluntary – he had to hunt Irenicus if he wanted his soul back, if he wanted to fill the aching emptiness within him.

So he had come, and so he would pursue this to the bitter end, wherever it took him – even through environments as strange as this. The odd rocks which emitted a bizarre shining light so not all was dark; the weird shapes and looming caverns… all of it was very alien to him.

And he had expected it to be colder. Far beneath the surface, with the sun a long way away, he had expected to freeze. As it was, with his long cloak wrapped around him, he was starting to feel a little too warm. The air was humid and a little warm, and the constant moving didn't exactly help.

But he had to keep moving. The others were relying on him, and he was relying on himself. This had to be done. And he had to succeed, because he didn't want to even consider what would happen if he didn't. He had to keep moving.

Edwin's voice rose above the silence of the marching party; they had all slipped into that stage of inner reflection as the feet took over and the sudden jerking from their reveries took them all by surprise.

"Where," the Red Wizard demanded imperiously, the frustration evident in his voice. "Are we, and just where are we going? I am no expert on the Underdark, but it seems as if we're running around in circles. I could swear we've passed that rock three times."

Harrian glared at the Thayvian over his shoulder, but before he could retort, Anomen beat him to it. "Silence, cur," the Helmite spat. "You know not of what you speak. Harrian would not be leading us wrong."

Not noticing their leader's wince, Imoen nodded firmly. "Absolutely. And don't worry about the rock – I bet they're different rocks, but down here in the Underdark, there are an awful lot of them so I'm pretty sure some would end up looking the same. We're headed in the right direction, aren't we, Harry?"

"Don't call me Harry," Harrian muttered, then forced a smile onto his face and glanced back at her. "Yeah, I'm quite sure we are. But we've been going for a while now – what's to say we stop and have a break?"

This suggestion was met with some approving murmurs, and the party came to a stop, dumping their packs on the floor and settling down swiftly, Haer'Dalis pulling out his flask, Edwin finding a piece of fruit in his pack and devouring it quickly. With the ease of those who travelled much, they arranged themselves so as to recover the most energy for another march in the least amount of time.

Harrian deposited his pack on the floor, still standing, and glanced about them. He was quite certain that the Duergar encampment he was headed for was fairly near here. Quite sure. But he would do well to check.

He glanced at the others. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he told them casually. I'm just going to check up ahead, make sure that we're on course. It shouldn't be far now before we reach the encampment," he told them, heading off into the darkness before they could protest or even respond.

The others looked at each other blankly, their expressions ones of confusion. Jaheira pursed her lips. "Perhaps it is not best that he goes by himself. We do not know what's lurking in the darkness – we should stick together." She gave the rest pointed glances.

Imoen clambered to her feet unsteadily, ignoring her protesting muscles. "I'll go. I think he needs to unwind a notch too – you can see how tense he is," she pointed out as the druid nodded, then she turned and hurried off in the direction Harrian had gone.

At first, disappearing into the darkness but making a note of where she was heading, she couldn't see him. He couldn't have gone too far – where was there to check by way of direction? She didn't expect him to be more than a hundred metres away.

In fact, he wasn't, but he was lurking behind a small assembly of rocks nearby, seated on the floor, staring at the map in his hands and mumbling absently to himself, forehead creased with concentration. It was the mumbling which brought him to her attention, and she headed towards him, quite concerned. "Harrian?"

The swashbuckler looked up, folding up the map quickly and fixing her with a blank, pleasant stare. "Yes? Just checking on the map, you know… it's a bit vague in places – you can't expect them to make a perfect map of the Underdark – but it's quite good enough for our purposes."

Imoen eased herself down next to him, resting her back against one of the larger boulders, and tugged the map from his unprotesting hands, unfolding it quickly. What she saw on it made her throat constrict with fear, for it was little more than a few scribblings and some vague diagrams.

"The priests of Oghma weren't too obliging when I asked them for the map, so I had been left to my own devices in the libraries to get what I could," Harrian explained, his voice numb as he stared at her. "It was hard to find, and, as you can see, quite rough." He took it back, showing it to her and pointing out a few spots as he carried on. "You can see Ust Natha somewhere in the north-east, and this Svirfneblin city somewhere to the north. I want to go there if I can find it, because they might be able to help. There's not much more than that, other than the Duergar encampment. They should give us directions."

Imoen took a deep breath, peering at the map. "Harrian… according to this map, we're in the Duergar encampment," she whispered, becoming slowly aware of how the tension was getting to her brother, his dark, wide-eyed stare feeling like it was penetrating her skull.

"I know!" Harrian started to chuckle a little bit as he folded and pocketed the map. "And I don't know where we are! Ha! Me, the leader, not exactly knowing where we are… there's a wonderful irony there, if I can find it."

Fortunately, she could see the crease of his forehead and hear the wry tone in his voice which told her he hadn't completely lost it. She placed a hand on his arm. "Why didn't you tell us that you had so little? We would have searched more."

"You… you all had your things to do. And I'm supposed to do this. I'm supposed to know what we're doing, know how we're…" Harrian's voice trailed off miserably, and he rubbed his face, the fatigue evident in his movement.

"Don't be silly," she rebuked him gently. "We can do this. The encampment can't be found; we'll get them to give us some directions, maybe a new map, and we'll be on the way from there, move on with the plan." Imoen smiled sadly as she saw his expression, and she leant towards him conspiratorially. "You never know; the Svirfneblin might have a clue on what the hell we can do," she whispered.

He laughed quietly again, nodding, but there was an emptiness in his voice and his eyes which was unsettling. "We'll get this done. It can be done. Absolutely… it has to be done."

Imoen paused, staring upwards into the deep darkness of the upper reaches of the Underdark. "What else is it, Harrian? Why didn't you let us help you? Why, from day to day, do you seem to be slipping away?"

"Because I think I am," he whispered, eyes closed tightly. "As every day goes by, I feel as if a bit of myself is going; I feel as if I become less human by the second. And I can't stop it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "It's been a month since we lost our souls, and every day I feel the emptiness becoming bigger, consuming me even more. If I don't get my soul back, it will take me utterly." He paused, then frowned and glanced at her. "Don't you feel it too?"

Imoen sighed. "I do," she confessed, lowering her head. "I do. Every day. But not like you do, I don't think." There was a moment's silence as she gathered her thoughts. "It seems quite clear that the essence is stronger in you than in me; it was manifesting itself in you before I even had dreams or clues. So I think there's less of me which is empty in the first place, as the taint… the taint wasn't as prevalent in me as it was with you." Another pause. This time she knew what she was saying, but had to gear herself up to say it. "And I've been living this past month. I've been trying to fill my life. You haven't."

"I couldn't," Harrian replied, a little stubbornly.

"You turned Jaheira away, left Haer'Dalis and me to our own devices, paid Anomen only minimal attention. The only people you gave a moment's time were Minsc and Edwin; with Edwin it was business, and Minsc… Minsc is Minsc." Imoen looked firmly at him. "Why? Why are you holding us all back?"

"For protection," Harrian mumbled miserably.

Imoen laughed shortly, sharply. "You allow – no, ask us to follow you into the Underdark to hunt down an evil and amazingly powerful mage, and yet you won't let any of us get close to you for our protection?"

"Not your protection," the swashbuckler whispered hoarsely. "Mine." He took a deep breath as Imoen stared at him, shocked and confused. "You all looked to comfort me, to help me. You were almost tripping over yourselves to be scared but supportive after the Slayer. You all wanted to get inside my head and fix it."

He lifted his knees up to rest his chin on them, wrapping his arms around his legs. "I didn't want you inside my head," Harrian murmured. "That's why I pushed Jaheira away. She wanted to get inside, to comfort me from within, to fix it. In trying to help I was afraid she'd find deep, dark parts of me. It's not that I don't want her to see them – I mean, I don't, but that's not the point – it's that I'm afraid she'll find something I don't know is there, and she'll bring it to the surface." He closed his eyes tightly, and Imoen had to strain to hear his next words. "I can't cope with anything more."

There was a long silence as she squeezed his arm. "Let people in," Imoen told him quietly. "They fill up the emptiness inside. If you can –"

"Harrian! Imoen!" Anomen's voice rang out, echoing amongst the rocks, jerking Harrian out of his almost catatonic-seeming state and interrupting Imoen before she could possibly embark on trying to break her brother of his self-destructive ideas and mood.

Harrian stood up slowly, adjusting his cloak so it wasn't quite as stifling, and helped Imoen up. "I appreciate the help, Immy, but I'll be fine. Leave me be… please." He paused before heading out of the rocks towards where the rest of the party waited, looking concerned. "It's time to get back on track."