Chapter 98: Bhaalspawn and Harper
Jaheira grabbed Harrian by the elbow, yanking him around to face her. He stared at her hand on his arm for a moment, then looked straight into her eyes, expression clear and honest, vaguely confused. "Yes?"
"What… do you mean by that?" the druid gasped in a whisper, completely and utterly incredulous, still reeling a little from the thief's declaration of control. She could not contemplate how such an action could have been pre-meditated and voluntary.
"I mean I was in control." Harrian smiled a little scarily, and glanced up at the others, obviously not as inclined as Jaheira to keep their conversation down. "I knew what I was doing… everything was so clear. I had the choice before me, and although I chose the Slayer, it… it wasn't like it was before. I could still feel 'me'. I was in control of myself, and my instinct, and the taint."
Seeing the completely shocked and terrified looks on the expressions of the others in the party, Jaheira tightened her grip on his arm and bodily pulled him out of the cavern and into the mine shaft beyond, swiftly retrieving the torch Harrian had abandoned beforehand.
They looked at each other in the gloom, the Bhaalspawn still seemingly elated, the Harper utterly shocked to her core. There was a long moment of silence, the tension and issues surrounding them momentarily forgotten as slightly more important matters – in Jaheira's mind, at least – took over.
She took a deep breath, staring at the floor for a moment before looking up into his eyes. "You can't be in control of the taint," she started slowly. "That's not how it works. The taint controls you, overpowers you, tells you how to do these things. Any control is just an illusion as the taint uses you."
Harrian's euphoric expression hardened slowly. "Just how do you know that?" he demanded quietly. "You're not a Child of Bhaal. You have no idea what the taint does to you. How it pulls at you. How it leaves you terrified every single moment of losing control and succumbing to it, but secretly hoping you'll embrace it at the same moment."
"And now you believe, all of a sudden, that you've been able to gain control over it?" Jaheira retorted sceptically, raising an eyebrow. "I know how you've lived in fear of your taint for almost as long as I've known you. I know how it has tempted you time and time again; almost overcome you on occasion. And you have told me many times yourself that you have to always fend it off, always keep it at bay. You have told me so many times that there is no way to use the taint, for it will always use you." She paused, and took another deep breath. "You have told me so many times that you cannot control the taint."
Harrian looked unconvinced. "Things change. I change. I was obviously ignorant before. I hadn't had the chance to see, to learn before." He paused, and started to pace slowly. "It's the lack of a soul, I think," he started again, and in his voice was a little more of the Harrian she knew, and not the terrifying stranger who claimed to have control. "It tears away my humanity a bit more… it leaves only the taint behind, no more prevalent before, but less… filtered…"
The thief stopped, and looked at her head on, smiling a little bit. "It's not a solution. I need my soul back, of course. That hasn't changed. And the taint is never something I will accept. But for now, in the mean time, as the taint pushes at me more… I know that I can reign it in, use it for my own purposes."
"The purposes of power and destruction?" Jaheira demanded, one hand on her hip as the other held up the torch. "Harrian, listen to yourself! You are sounding no better than Sarevok! You are sounding like someone who is everything ever feared by the Harpers! Gods, you are sounding like someone who gives credibility to Galvarey's case! This is not you!" she snapped.
"I know myself better than you know me," Harrian replied nonchalantly, waving the comment aside. "And the Harpers know nothing. Nor does anyone else who tries to judge the taint. Because they don't understand. Nobody does. Nobody understands what it means to be a Bhaalspawn."
"No. Not even the Bhaalspawns themselves," Jaheira snapped. "Because it might start here, with a moment's control, making you believe that you don't have to live in absolute terror of the taint. Because it might start with something which makes you a little less afraid of yourself. If you grow confident in that control, your fear will lessen. As your fear lessens, your complacency will increase." She sighed, anger seeping out of her a little as her own fear crept in. "Your taint, in itself, is evil. We always need to fear evil, because it is our fear which keeps us fighting it. Not the ideal of fighting evil. The fear of evil, the fear of what evil will do if it is allowed to take control. The moment you stop being afraid, the evil takes over.
"It might start with what you think is a moment's control, which comforts you. But that control isn't control; it's the taint making you believe you're in control. It's the taint manipulating you. Because the Bhaaltaint has no master – it gets others to do its bidding." Jaheira looked away, not meeting his gaze as she spoke. "And as you begin to rely more and more on that control, the taint becomes more powerful within you. As you use the taint, believing you control it, it controls you. Because, in accepting this control, your vigilance is waning, the taint gets a chance to seep into you and take over utterly. It starts here, with what you believe in control… it ends in another Sarevok as the taint controls you. And you will lose yourself utterly. You will become nothing but evil and murder themselves." And I will have to kill you, Jaheira added silently, closing her eyes for a moment to try and push that treacherous truth from out of her mind.
"Nobody understands what it means to be a Bhaalspawn. Not even the Bhaalspawn themselves. You're terrified by the taint. Your companions are terrified by the taint in you, and their fear merely increases when they see you embrace it as you just have. They don't know what it means. They don't know if you're in control or not, but they're afraid you'll lose yourself, be consumed by darkness. They're afraid of what it'll mean if your heritage takes you over. If you'll turn on them."
Jaheira stepped forwards and grabbed him by the shoulder, looking straight on at him. "And there's one person back in that room who is terrified, not just for you, but for themselves. They see what happens to you, and it fills them with absolute fear because they don't know what it means to them. They don't know how it will affect them, but they know it will. Somehow. Because they are a Bhaalspawn. And not even the Bhaalspawn understand what it means to be a Bhaalspawn."
Harrian had listened in silence, his expression completely unreadable, but it crumpled under this final declaration. "Immy?" he whispered weakly, looking utterly shocked and beaten for a moment. "You… you knew? She told you?"
Jaheira shook her head a little guiltily. "I have known for a long time," the druid assured him. "For as long as I have known about you. Gorion knew, and told me. It was his wish that she not be told. He believed you would benefit from knowing, from being told, as the taint was more prevalent with you and to be aware would lend you a vigilance you would need if you were not to be consumed by evil. But for Imoen… for Imoen, he thought she had enough light within her that she did not need to be told, that the ignorance would protect her better than the knowledge would."
Anger crossed Harrian's face as he grabbed her arms and pushed her away from him, wrenching out of her grasp. "You should have told me!" he snapped suddenly. "When Irenicus took her, you should have told me! Then I would have known why…"
"And what difference would it have made?" Jaheira retorted. "It would have changed nothing!" She paused, and as a silence fell upon them she stared at the floor. "Now is not the time to debate this, however. Now we are discussing you. And your taint. Leave my knowing of Imoen for another day."
The anger faded once again, and Harrian closed his eyes, bowing his head. "Gods," he whispered, his voice quavering slightly. There as a long silence until he looked up again, his face a mask of grief. "I'm sorry, Jaheira," he murmured sadly. "I know… that was insane. You're right… of course, you're always right…" He turned away, and started to pace. "I just… I want to be able to control it. For real, I mean, not be under the illusion of control. I don't want to have to be forever vigilant, always watching my step, always… always in fear. I've been afraid for longer than I can remember."
"You can't change that. That is a fact." Jaheira hesitated, chewing on her lower lip for a moment. "That is why you need to turn to your companions. Because we will help you with the burden. Even though… no, we cannot understand what it means to be a Bhaalspawn. We cannot understand what is going through your head."
Harrian paused for a long moment, staring at her, frowning a little, then looked away. "Can we… can we talk later, Jaheira? Right now, I think we need to… to get back to business," he said, looking back at the entrance to the cavern where the others doubtless waited. As she nodded wordlessly, he gave her a brief, grateful glance. "For now… thank you. But we will talk later," he added, then started back into the cavern, a thoughtful druid in his wake.