I don't know what's happening anymore. I don't know how or why it is
happening, but it is. And I don't know how to stop it. As much as I want
to, I can't. I just keep doing it. I don't know why. I really don't, but I
just keep doing it. And now it's spiralling out of control. I can't control
it anymore. It's not focused on me anymore, yet I'm the one to blame. I'm
the one that's been doing it. Me. Yet he's the one who they all think's to
blame. He's the one who is suffering the consequences. The consequences of
my actions.
But I can't tell anyone. How could I? How could I tell someone what I've been doing? What I've been doing and keeping quiet about it, letting him take the blame. And I can't explain to them what's been going on, why I've been doing it, because I don't even know myself. I don't know why I've been doing it, what's been happening to me. I wish I did. I really wish I did, because maybe then I would stop doing it. Stop playing with people's lives. Stop taking them, and stop trying to hide what I've been doing, but I can't. I don't even know where to begin or how to get off of this horrible roller coaster.
I don't know what started it. What made me do it in the first place or even why I did it. It just happened, and then I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the feeling of excitement that came with it. The rush of adrenaline of the possibility of being caught. The power and control that I had in my hands. My hands. I was playing with lives. I was played God. I was the one who had the power to decide who, how and when people died. And I liked that. I don't know why I did, but I did. I liked it.
That feeling changed though. I was starting to realise that what I was doing was wrong and that I could loose my job. Loose everything. That it wasn't my place or my right to play God and play with death, play with peoples lives. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop. The opportunities were there, and I took them. I took the opportunity while it was there, while no one else was about. It was just me and the patient. The patients, who trusted me. Had faith in me. And I abused that faith. I used it to get what I wanted. To get my adrenaline rush. And I'm sorry. I really am.
But I can't tell anyone. How could I? How could I tell someone what I've been doing? What I've been doing and keeping quiet about it, letting him take the blame. And I can't explain to them what's been going on, why I've been doing it, because I don't even know myself. I don't know why I've been doing it, what's been happening to me. I wish I did. I really wish I did, because maybe then I would stop doing it. Stop playing with people's lives. Stop taking them, and stop trying to hide what I've been doing, but I can't. I don't even know where to begin or how to get off of this horrible roller coaster.
I don't know what started it. What made me do it in the first place or even why I did it. It just happened, and then I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the feeling of excitement that came with it. The rush of adrenaline of the possibility of being caught. The power and control that I had in my hands. My hands. I was playing with lives. I was played God. I was the one who had the power to decide who, how and when people died. And I liked that. I don't know why I did, but I did. I liked it.
That feeling changed though. I was starting to realise that what I was doing was wrong and that I could loose my job. Loose everything. That it wasn't my place or my right to play God and play with death, play with peoples lives. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop. The opportunities were there, and I took them. I took the opportunity while it was there, while no one else was about. It was just me and the patient. The patients, who trusted me. Had faith in me. And I abused that faith. I used it to get what I wanted. To get my adrenaline rush. And I'm sorry. I really am.