Chapter 111: Heart and Mind

"You are a fool, Corias!" Edwin hissed as the party strode hurriedly down the streets of Ust Natha, the leader still stuffing a bloodied cloak into his pack and trying not to be too noticeable about it. "You should have killed him! He could turn around and betray us now, expose us for who we really are?"

Harrian shrugged, not looking at the Red Wizard as they hastened back towards the Female Fighters' Guild, hoping they wouldn't attract that much attention. "I wasn't going to kill him, Edwin. He's done nothing wrong. He won't betray us, as if he shows up at all, he's bound to be slaughtered on sight. We've shown a little mercy, and at no expense to ourselves." At last, the swashbuckler gave the Thayvian a sideways glance. "Think about that for a bit."

"Though Solaufein was a drow, he was not our enemy," Jaheira agreed, and Harrian threw her a brief, grateful sideways glance. "Perhaps compassion is beyond you, Red Wizard, but it is not beyond us, and it is something quite worthwhile investing time in… consideration for others. 'Tis a trait not many people are bestowed with."

Harrian sighed, feeling bludgeoned by the sub-text, then turned to the party as they approached the Guild. "Perhaps I should go in alone. Phaere has shown… a distinct amount of limited patience when we turn up en masse – and when you, Minsc, destroy her furniture – and besides, I don't want to attract that much attention. We did, officially, just murder somebody."

The expressions of the party were mixed, but all looked fairly resigned at this instruction. Even Jaheira tightened her lips and said nothing, and they headed off towards the inn without a backwards glance, in something of a mob which made the individual drow walking down the street step to the side hurriedly. Harrian glanced around, then pushed open the door and stepped into the guild.

Phaere was waiting in her quarters, pacing a little impatiently – it was clear what she had been expecting when he stepped into the room, for she jumped around with anxiety, a brief flicker of appreciation crossing her face as she saw how he was unaccompanied.

He wordlessly pulled Solaufein's cloak out of his pack and raised it before her, not needing to say anything to get the message across and cause the smirk of glee to tug at her lips. "Ah, I see you carrying his piwawfi, my darling Veldrin! He... Solaufein is dead, yes?" There was a brief pause as Phaere's expression flickered as she reached out to take the cloak, and Harrian wondered how much the 'death' of her former lover had touched whatever was left inside this cold shell. "Yes… of course, he… he is dead. 'All love is foolish'," she murmured, as if recalling something.

Then Phaere stepped back, gesturing to the tiny table in the room, and he moved to sit down as she began to pace slowly, looking thoughtful. "You have done well, Veldrin… earned a place of honour in this house by serving me. You have had a most… satisfactory performance, and I cannot fault it in any way."

Harrian followed her with his eyes, not saying anything for a long moment, until he swallowed slowly and managed to affect a nonchalant air and something of a smirk. "I live to serve, to do my duty, Phaere."

"And you do it admirably," the drow murmured, stepping up beside him, a hand reaching out to rest familiarly on his shoulder. Her touch felt like fire, setting him alight at even the hint of contact, filling him with both excitement and fear at once.

"You are a strong and powerful male, Veldrin… worthy of my bed," Phaere continued, smirking a little as she sensed his breath slowing, becoming deeper at her contact, and she pulled him slowly to his feet, a movement to which he didn't resist. "I said some days ago that you would have to prove yourself before you would be suitable for anything more than killing…"

Harrian took a deep, sharp breath as both her arms snaked around his neck, Phaere stepping closer to him, pressing her body against his. Her warmth, her flesh so close to his own left him breathless for a moment, and she evidently knew that he was already entrapped as he attempted to smile weakly, and failed. "Have I proven myself, then?" he asked, his voice low, taking a step forward as his own hands slid to her waist, holding her tightly to him.

"You have." She leant forwards, their bodies even closer together as she lifted her head to whisper in his ear. "You shall remain here for a time and please me… come…" Her voice was like lightning in his head as she breathed in his ear, making all the nerves in his body tingle, a sensation which was elevated as her hands slid to the buckles in his armour, undoing them before he had a chance to complain or react.

Despite his arousal and temptation, alarms were ringing in his head, and he lowered his hands to grip her by the wrists, stopping her as she began to pull his armour off him. "Phaere… no… I can't," Harrian weakly.

A glare suddenly crossed her face, and she stopped her struggling as he tightened his grip on her wrists. "You 'can't'? What do you mean? I command you…" At his bewildered and slightly stunned impression, as he searched for a response she decided to pre-emptively cut him off as she stepped closer again, covering his mouth with hers.

The pleasurable sensations exploded in Harrian's head, all nerves driven insane by the sensuality as her tongue darted into his mouth, and he responded gladly before he could quite realise what he was doing, reciprocating with a fierceness that surprised even himself as he pulled her even closer to him by her wrists, pinning her body against his.

It took her but a second to extract her hands, and her fingers moved with skilled speed to finish unbuckling his armour, pulling it from his body in seconds and depositing it on the ground dismissively before returning to more… compelling activities.

As he felt her frame pressed against his again, this time without the leather in the way to hinder sensitivity, Harrian just managed to stop himself from gasping out loud, and he pulled back briefly, breaking the contact. "If you command, mistress, then I must obey, I presume," he murmured, trying to push the troubles to the back of his mind. This was a dangerous situation, he knew – his purely physical attraction to Phaere could get him into more than a little trouble here, and his better judgement, not to mention assailed-on-all-sides heart which wished to go elsewhere, told him to stop. However, temptation was beginning to overcome the better judgement, and better judgement was starting to concede the point that to refuse could be disastrous and compromise the entire endeavour.

Phaere managed a small, predatory smile as she licked his cheek lightly. "Excellent. I shall show you, my dark Veldrin, why an evening with Phaere is worth more than an eternity with all other women." Her hands roved down to his waist, then slid inside his shirt and up his chest, applying a little pressure, directing him towards the bed in the centre of the room. "Come… I am anxious to begin…"

Her lips pressed against his again, her hot breath inside his mouth as eager fingers began to tug at the shirt he wore, even as he also began to slide his hands under the folds of her clothes, appreciating by touch what he had before only been able to appreciate by sight, and he felt her shiver with pleasure as his hands touched her bare flesh.

It had been over a month since he had experienced this sort of intimate contact, but felt much longer, with all that had taken place since. This, being with Phaere, felt very different to how it had been with Jaheira – with Jaheira, it had been intimate and personal, born of emotion, of love. This was purely physical, purely carnal, born of nothing more than base desire. This would be just sex, pure and simple, and was nothing more…

Images flashed through his head, memories of that single night, when he had lost his soul, been emotionally and almost psychologically destroyed by Irenicus and Bodhi, ready to turn his back on the world and curl up within himself… but she had come, rebuffed his attempts to get rid of her, and opened his heart and mind enough for him to catch his breath and not collapse entirely… She had saved him. And he had repaid her, repaid her love, by throwing his own love to the wind and running in fear.

No…

He pulled back from Phaere, stepping away, all excitement or arousal completely gone. "No… I can't." He sighed as she glared at him again angrily, and shook his head. "You… you managed to tempt me… mistress" – the word tasted bitter in his mouth – "but I cannot. I have sworn an oath to Lolth, an oath of celibacy. I cannot."

She pushed him away with disgust, deflated as she turned her back and began to pace irritably. "This… damn you. We will have to take care of this later. Now, there is not time, really… begone. Return to your party… I will summon you when I wish."

Harrian blinked, surprised at the ease with which she had accepted this explanation, and he had a feeling she'd be taking it out on some slave later. He stooped to retrieve his armour, putting it back on – it would probably look better to the party if he didn't return partially undressed – then turned around and headed for the door.

Jaheira… Jaheira, I'm here, I'm coming… He stopped once outside, taking a few deep breaths to gather his thoughts, then shook his head. No... not here. Not in this place. But when we're out… the moment we're out, the moment this is over, the moment we walk in sunlight, I will do everything to make amends for what I have done… though I'm not sure that, truly, I can ever make it up to you. Harrian's face hardened as he set off at a stride towards the inn. But I can try.