Chapter 112: Wakeup Call
Harrian was certain that the party had retired to slumber by the time he returned to the inn, but once again he found that he didn't want to sleep. There was a very real possibility that his latest actions would incur Phaere's extreme wrath, and though he hoped that he'd proven himself useful enough to not be cast aside, there were still too many chances of disaster, too many things weighing on his mind that the possibilities of nightmares were endless.
As he nodded curtly to the innkeeper and headed towards the stairs of the drow inn, starting towards the party's hired room, he decided that he rather envied Jaheira for her lack of needing to sleep. The professions of the others in the party all gave them their perks, their links to something higher and more powerful – Jaheira and Minsc linked to nature, Anomen and Aerie linked to their respective gods, Imoen, Edwin and Haer'Dalis with their arcane powers… but then again, none of them could turn into giant, red, spiky killing machines on cue, so Harrian rather supposed he couldn't complain.
He pushed the door open to the party's room, and stopped with surprise as he saw Aerie, Anomen and Imoen still seated within, all giving him a very expectant look. They had evidently been there a while. "You're… still all up?" the swashbuckler asked, frowning.
Anomen shrugged. "Jaheira pointed out that it would probably be best to wait for you to return… but somehow, I don't think she wanted to greet you when you came back," he said quietly, looking a little uncomfortable.
"We volunteered," Imoen elaborated unnecessarily. "Everything alright? You rather took your time to just deliver a cloak." The three of them exchanged glances, the sub-text of their words not even slightly lost on Harrian.
"Phaere wished… to talk." The thief frowned, stepping over to perch on the edge of the table in front of them.
"I'll bet she did," Imoen replied, shaking her head. "You didn't… do anything, did you? I mean, it was pretty obvious what she had in mind…" The pink-haired mage shifted uncomfortably, evidently a little embarrassed at poking, but something driving her to push forwards.
Harrian stopped, looking defensive. "What? No! What makes you think that?" he retorted, more than a little too quickly.
Anomen shrugged slowly, shaking his head. "She is not an unattractive drow…"
"And… and she has made her intentions more than a little clear…" Aerie interjected.
"And I can read you like a book and it was also pretty clear what was running through your head, mister," Imoen concluded, poking Harrian in the chest.
He pulled back quickly to avoid the offending finger and their accusing glances. "What the hells is it to do with you how I choose to act?" he demanded, swiftly and defensively. "I am free to live my life, do as I please!"
Aerie paused, chewing on her lower lip. "This… this is true, Harrian. But we are your friends, and so we… we are here to give you guidance when you are acting… well…" The Avariel's voice trailed off, and her blue eyes turned to the floor, a little embarrassed.
"When you're acting wrong," both Anomen and Imoen finished for her, with the increased confidence which came from knowing Harrian better.
Harrian folded his arms across his chest. "And just who in the hells are you three to decide whether or not I'm acting right or wrong? None of you are hardly paragons of justice yourselves! And you all need your sleep, so bugger off," he insisted harshly, looking away and striding over to the wall, a little sulkily.
Anomen opened his mouth to carry on, but Imoen, sagging with defeat, placed a hand on his arm and shook her head. She had seen him in this mood many times, the mood where he wouldn't want to listen, and knew that they would do best to wait until later, until morning, before attempting this once more. The cleric didn't resist too much as Imoen led him out the room, heading towards the door and giving Aerie a pointed look.
The Avariel shook her head, gesturing for them to leave, and as they closed the door behind them, she stood and started towards Harrian, resting a hand on his shoulder. "It's… it's wrong when it hurts others, isn't it?"
The Bhaalspawn paused, frowning, then turned to look at her. "I didn't do anything to hurt anyone else," he said forcefully. "Nothing happened with Phaere. It almost did, but I do have a modicum of self control, you know," he muttered.
"Perhaps, but it does seem as if… the possibility that you did something hurt others. And I'm not just talking about your actions tonight," Aerie started, evidently very tentative, but also with a certain amount of determination in her eyes.
"Aerie? You've been with this party for about five minutes; I'm not sure you actually have a clue about anything which has happened apart from tonight," Harrian retorted, snapping a little more than he meant to, but without any inclination to step back down from his mood.
"No, that's true," she replied, blushing a little with embarrassment. "But I… I notice things. I have watched a bit since my arrival… I've picked things up. And Anomen and Imoen explained… quite a lot while we were waiting," she stammered.
Harrian paused, turning and glaring at the door. "Oh, they did, did they," he muttered venomously, making a mental note to talk to those two at a later hour. "Just what did they decide to share with you?"
"Filled in the gaps, as I had already guessed most of it," she replied, a little defiance creeping along in the face of his abruptness. "About you, and about Jaheira, and about what you did."
Harrian looked sharply at her, then faltered as he saw what seemed to be a note of defeat and sadness in her eyes. "What I did has already happened, and it can't be changed," he murmured, contradicting his sentiment of not even fifteen minutes earlier. "And now is not the time or place to make amends."
"Considering your life, what's happened, and what's likely to happen in the future, I think you can use that excuse for quite a while," Aerie pointed out tentatively. "I don't… I don't really know Jaheira, except that she glares and seems to be rude most of the time, but from what Imoen and Anomen said, it's increased since you rejected her." There was a long pause as she reached out slowly and placed a hand on his arm. "I know that… you're feeling scared, and empty, with the loss of your soul. Lost, not knowing where to turn to, and pushing people away because that makes things easier… and lets you feel sorry for yourself."
Harrian stopped, lost for words for a moment, until he shook his head and pulled away, starting to pace. "Aerie, I sympathise with your loss and appreciate your attempt to help, but losing your wings isn't quite the same as having your mortal soul… ripped… viciously… from you…" His voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes and looked away, the aching gulf within himself opening up a little.
"That's true," Aerie conceded. "But I know about loss. And that's what's affecting you now, not the lack of a soul. You were able to love her when you'd first lost it, weren't you," she pointed out.
Harrian's head snapped up, and he frowned at her. "That's got nothing to do with it! I was disoriented, lost, confused, and let her in. Then, when the full implications became clear to me, I realised that to keep her close at hand would be just endangering her…"
"Like travelling with you into the middle of a drow city?" Aerie interrupted him lightly, and although she was challenging him at every turn, the fact that she seemed so nervous about it made it impossible for him to get angry with her.
"Yes… I mean no!" He swore loudly, thumping the table with his fist. "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what I'm feeling," he replied, a little sulkily and defensively.
"I don't think you do, either." Aerie paused, taking a deep breath. "No, I haven't known you for years like Imoen, or fought by your side like Anomen, but I see things, and I know what you're going through. Simply put, you are scared, Harrian. To open up your heart to her, to anyone, might mean that things would be better, but you'd have to work at it, and the path is unclear. To keep yourself to yourself means that you can carry on, doing what you do, and hoping that the world will rearrange itself to make things better for you. It won't." Harrian didn't answer, merely stared at the table, so Aerie paused, then pressed on. "Do you love her?"
The swashbuckler grimaced, then nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes, I love her."
With his eyes still on the table, Harrian missed the slightly sad grimace which Aerie quickly managed to hide. "Isn't that enough?"
He considered this for a long moment, calmer and with an air of defeat about him until he slowly stood up. "I'm… I'm going to bed," the Bhaalspawn said at last, shaking his head. "I will… I'll think about what you said," he continued, then almost ran out of the room.
The corridors of the inn were empty, and a little dark as he stepped down them, heading towards his room towards the end, passing the doors of his party members… Haer'Dalis and Minsc, Imoen and Aerie, Edwin… Jaheira…
He came to a halt in front of the druid's door, resting his hand lightly on the smooth wood, and raised a fist, ready to knock. He didn't know what he'd say, what he'd do, or even if there was any action or word which could make anything better… but he had to… had to…
No. Not here. It could endanger everything. Harrian uncurled his fist, lowering his head, then started on towards the room he shared with Anomen. But when we are out, Jaheira, I swear. When this mess – when the Underdark – is over, we will have this long-needed discussion…
He pushed open the door to his room and stepped inside, not too surprised to see the illumination of candlelight allowing Anomen, perched at the desk in the small, two-bed room, to write his journal. Harrian pulled off his armour and threw it to the floor, sighing. "You win. I'll talk to her."
Anomen smiled slightly, nodding, then glanced up at the party leader. "But not here?" he asked slowly. "No, I suppose that might not be wise. I may have to invoke all of Helm's wrath to punish you if you procrastinate once we are on the surface, however," the cleric warned.
Harrian sighed, nodding slowly. "Please do, my friend, please do. I fear I shall need it." After all, is not everyone to be found cowering when change threatens to come about, especially a change so close to our hearts? Perhaps not, no. But I have cowered, and it is time for this cowering to end. Here and now. Well, at least, in a few days.