Chapter 116: These Foolish Things
"Look up at that sky. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" Imoen asked lazily as the party slowly recovered from gorging themselves on the dinner she and Anomen had cooked that night. They were in a vague circle, leaning against logs and folded bedrolls, occasionally groaning in satisfaction after what seemed as if it had been the most sumptuous meal ever experienced. All eyes seemed turned skywards, the party either lost in thought or part of the rather vague conversation Imoen seemed to be leading.
"I would say… well, I am sure that there are things, but I cannot remember them now," Aerie sighed, shaking her head. "The sky… I have missed the sky." She shifted, briefly, frowning for a fraction of a second. "I miss the sky," she mumbled below her breath, but nobody seemed to hear this last comment.
"Boo likes it back here. He says the Underdark was bad for his fur. Made it all greasy."
There was silence as the party paused to digest this little nugget of wisdom, none of them quite sure how to answer it and wondering how to avoid insulting the big ranger. Eventually, Jaheira managed to save them by slowly clambering to her feet and picking up the large, now fairly cool, pot their dinner had been cooked in. "I shall see to cleaning this in the stream," she offered, starting to collect the pots and plates that had been used that night.
Harrian nodded, sitting up, and glancing around at the rest of the party. "Sleep time, you lot, then. We have a long march back to Athkatla tomorrow, and I want you all bright and fresh." He smirked slightly, stretching a little. "Be happy. Times are still going to be hard, but… we're out, we're free, and though there's a battle ahead, take pride in what we have achieved, and remember that we're still alive. And we're going to stay that way."
Imoen rolled her eyes as she started towards the tent she shared with Aerie – after Anomen's discreet moaning, Harrian had thought it best to give Imoen a sleeping partner who would actually remain in the tent, unless his sister had complained… which she hadn't. "You like the inspirational speeches, don't you?" the mage chuckled, pulling aside the folds of the entrance to the tent. "Good night, all."
There were a few moments of 'good night's as the party dispersed, heading for their respective tents as Jaheira disappeared amongst the trees, heading for the river nearby. Harrian also stayed where he was, standing and staring into the crackling fire at the centre of the camp. Staying on watch was really quite unnecessary – there was an entire contingency of elves not a kilometre away, so anything serious could be easily fended off! – but it was a safety that might be needed.
However, he could also wander a little, remaining within hearing distance of the camp, and still stay attentive enough of dangers, couldn't he. Couldn't he? Especially if it was a very important wander…
Just go, you idiot.
He did, turning on his heel and forcing himself to purposefully stride out into the trees towards where Jaheira had disappeared with the cooking pots. The ground was not so overgrown with weeds that trekking through the twenty or so metres of woodland was very laborious, but the trees were thick enough that he disappeared from sight quickly.
As the swashbuckler left the campsite, Anomen's head poked from out of his tent, and he glanced around quickly before emerging entirely, cloak wrapped over his shoulders, flail in his hand as he moved over to sit on one of the logs before the fire. It would not be hard for him and Minsc to share Harrian's watch between them.
Harrian knew he wouldn't be even slightly stealthy in his approach; knew that she'd hear him the moment he was even vaguely close, but did his best to not crash through the undergrowth like a troll. Such a thing wouldn't do at all.
Indeed, Jaheira was already looking at the direction of the noise he was making as he emerged suddenly through the trees, pulling a twig from out of his hair to stand on the banks of the river. He was suddenly reminded of that day, so many, many weeks ago on the way to Trademeet, when she had stood there and told him… told him she had faith in him. What a great abuse of that faith he had achieved.
"You wanted something?" the druid asked curtly, turning around once she had vaguely acknowledged his presence and kneeling before the river, dipping the big pot in the shallows and scrubbing at it quickly.
"I wanted…" Harrian's voice trailed off as the speech he'd rehearsed in his head a thousand times, had spent weeks practising and days fine-tuning flew out of his head. He paused for a moment, then took a tentative step forwards. "I wanted to talk. To you, I mean."
"Well, yes. If you didn't want to talk to me, I doubt you'd be here," Jaheira replied dryly, still not looking up at him. "What did you want to talk about, exactly?" There was a long silence as Harrian continued to gather his thoughts. "Well? This century?"
The thief frowned, silently cursing himself for his lack of a clue. "Well, there are lots of things that bear discussion," he started uncomfortably, then finally managed to get a grip on himself. "But the one that seems the most important would be… us."
She finally dropped the pot, and stood up to look at him, one eyebrow archer, green eyes flashing. "I assumed that, as far as you were concerned, there was no 'us' for you to start a discussion about," she commented accusingly.
"And I assumed that you'd remember me saying that we would talk the moment something was sorted. We're out of the Underdark. Something's sorted," Harrian murmured, a little pleadingly. "Please, Jaheira, at least… at least hear me out; don't dismiss me. You're within your rights to, but I'm asking you… not to."
She glared, folding her arms across her chest and glowering a little. "Very well. You wish to talk, and I shall grant your request. So go on. Talk."
Harrian hesitated at her tone, then stepped back and began to pace a little, hands clasped behind his back. "I've been… an idiot, for so long. I know I have. And whilst there are reasons, there aren't… excuses." He paused, and raised his head to look at her full on. "I feel emptier without a soul. It's as if everyone has taken my emotions, my thoughts, and hacked away a large chunk of them, leaving only a hint of what was there, and many echoes. Or that someone has placed a muffler around them." There was another silence, and he turned to stare at the moonlight reflecting off the river for a moment. "Except for the dark emotions. They… they seem to be exaggerated."
Jaheira shifted her feet a little. "You have told me what you suffer without your soul. If this is a promise to address the topic of 'us' once you have your soul back, it is a thoroughly unnecessary discussion."
"I'm not saying that," Harrian insisted defensively. "Hear me out. I… I have lost my soul, I suffer these things, and whilst that affects me – and downright confuses the hells out of me too – it doesn't mean that I can get away with being a complete bastard to anyone. Least of all you," he said in a rush, his defensive tone giving his voice a little power, and he grimaced as he turned to face her again.
"Perhaps, but you have acted as such, and acknowledging it will not undo what has been done," Jaheira reasoned.
"True, but acknowledging it may mean I can do something to change it," Harrian replied quickly. "Jaheira, I… I have been yelled at by everyone to see sense, I have had it hammered into my brain by everyone including myself to sort this matter out and to gain a modicum of human decency. I ignored it because I wanted to, but I can ignore it no longer because this has gone on for far too long – it was too long the moment that it started." There was a long silence as he stared at the shocked druid. "Jaheira, I… I made a mistake. I was wrong, so very wrong, and… and I'm sorry."
She stared at him dubiously, as if she expected him to laugh and then run off, or some other thing to happen to undermine everything he just said. "You were wrong," the druid agreed quietly, frowning. "And you made a big mistake. Saying sorry does not… saying sorry does not make up for the month of anguish, of you choosing to be afraid and making others, making me suffer because of it. Losing your soul is no excuse, not in the long-term, as you proved yourself more than capable of that emotion only days after it had been ripped from you," she snapped, though there was an odd quaver in her voice which made Harrian surprised and distinctly guilty.
"I know," he said at last, quietly, nodding slowly.
"No, you do not know! You cannot understand what you did!" Jaheira snapped, shaking her head. "I lost Khalid… I lost him… and for the longest time, I thought that that was it. I thought I could not love again, should not love again, and thought that my life was over. I stayed for vengeance, and I stayed for you; I would not abandon you when you needed me.
"But then, slowly, you managed to change all that. Though I denied it, you gave me hope that I could live again, that I might love again, and that there were things left to fight for beyond duty. You encouraged me to believe, and I did believe. I believed, Harrian. And then you tore it all down by then slamming the door shut in my face so selfishly!" the druid snapped, her voice wracked with emotion as the expressionless mask on her face began to melt slowly.
He closed his eyes, looking at the floor. "I… I know," he mumbled miserably. "I'm –"
"Don't say that you are sorry. That changes nothing, and it is just… it is just words!" Jaheira snapped, shaking her head. There was a long silence as she stared at him, calming down a little. "You do not get to do that to me. You do not get to give me hope again and then destroy it as you did. And you do not get to then turn around weeks later and extend hope again, simply assuming that I will leap back, come when called, riding your mood swings quite happily and catering to your whims, your wishes. I will not do that."
Harrian's expression collapsed, but there was nothing even approaching complaint or defensiveness as he nodded at last, his eyes empty. "I… I understand." He took a deep breath, backing off slowly. "I… you're right of course. You're right. I'll… I'll go," he mumbled, turning and heading for the trees.
Jaheira watched him walk off, feeling her heart rend in too, and closed her eyes at last. You were right, a voice inside of her said. You were right. Everything you said back there was right.
But there was an awful lot you didn't say, either. Jaheira paused as Anomen's words of not even a week ago echoed in her head. 'This life is too short to throw away chances on matters of pride, especially when the chances are of love'.
Her head snapped up quickly, and the thought processes had evidently only taken a second, for the Bhaalspawn was only just beginning to weave his way through the trees. "Harrian!" she called out quickly.
He whirled around instantaneously, and although he hid it swiftly, there was a flicker of hope on his face, a hope she wasn't sure she had the strength to stamp out. She took a brief step forward, hand outstretched. "There is a 'however'…"
The look on Harrian's face was one she would remember for a long time. Shock and surprise reigned for the first millisecond, then as her words sank in, a smile tugged at his lips. "A 'however'," he repeated, looking curious and amused and utterly delighted all at once. "The good kind?"
Despite herself, despite what he had done, despite what might lie ahead, she couldn't stop herself from smiling a little. "The best kind. The kind full of chances, where one doesn't dismiss something which could be of value," Jaheira replied dryly.
The smile on his lips developed into a fully fledged grin as he practically flew out of the trees, grabbing her by the hand and waist and whirling her around a little as he held her in her arms. "I like the sound of that. I'll do my best not to ruin those chances… I promise you now," Harrian whispered, his face growing more serious, before he lowered his head and kissed her deeply.