Sorry I didn't update sooner. I wanted to get this right so I didn't
upload it last night, instead I held onto it until I was satisfied enough
to post it. Hope you enjoy it!
I woke groggily to knocking on the door; I shook my head surprised Kloppman was knocking so gently. Normally it was with a banging that came close to knocking the door off its hinges. My eyes focused and I realized with a start I wasn't back at the Lodging House. Mimic was wiping the sleep from his eyes in the cute manner that only a small kid can do. The night's events rushed back at me like the water funneling down a water slide. I was in Brooklyn, I had been tricked into coming and had gotten attacked, Spot had rescued me. Damn, I owed him again.
"Cameo?" Glimmer asked as she opened the door and stuck her head inside. "Get dressed, Jack and the others are here."
I nodded as I mulled over what had happened. I shoed Mimic out of the room and set about getting ready, my brain over turning all that had happened trying to put it all in perspective. There was a lot for my brain to process.
The Brooklyn newsies were leaving as I made my way down the stairs, they moved with less enthusiasm than they usually did. The loss of one of their own seemed to have hit them hard. Five faces looked at me from the table in the common room and watched me walk toward them. Spot, Glimmer, Mush, Blink, and Crutchy were all gathered around the table and all looked to me as I paused on the last few stairs. I felt uncomfortable under their gaze. Glimmer offered me a small smile and I returned it, thankful for it. Jack watched me with an unreadable expression, the other boys looked at me uneasily. They had something to tell me that I wasn't going to like, I could see it in their faces.
"Ya know why we're all here Cameo?" Spot asked I looked at him dread making my stomach twist. I shook my head unable to say anything; I knew I had acted stupidly last night. I felt the fear that followed remembering how quick Jack had been to decide to kick me out of the Lodging House in the beginning. I hoped that wasn't what this little get together was about. My mind raced trying to figure out exactly what they were there for besides the fact I could have gotten myself killed last night.
"We're tryin to decide what to do with ya." He continued, I remembered the conversation from last night, the words he had spoken to Glimmer, the side of him that had been deeply hidden. I wish I had never heard it. It made him human; it made me unable to categorize him as an ass that deserved a verbal beating. It made it so much easier to like him, something I was fighting to keep myself from doing. It made him deserving of affection, and I knew my heart was more than willing to give it to him. My mind however thankfully was the one in control.
"And what have you decided?" I asked smoothly, the china doll expression on my face as I waited for his response. I wasn't about to stay in Brooklyn, whether it was for my own good or not. I would not let myself be so close to Spot. I was just starting to gain control over my renegade emotions in his absence. My world was just starting to take on some order.
"I think ya gonna have to stay here with me." Spot said searching my face as he said it. I said nothing for a moment, just looked at each of them who nodded with various degrees of reluctant agreement.
"I'm not going to stay here." I replied my face still held emotionless; I looked to Jack who shook his head before speaking. He knew my tone, it meant I was going to be stubborn, I wouldn't back down until I had either gotten my way or they managed to convince me it was really a good idea.
"Cameo, ya better off here with Spot he can protect you like the rest of us can't." He told me his voice trying to get me to see reason. "I got me own reputation, but when it comes to fighting Spot's got the best."
"Must be from short man syndrome." I said wryly. "He spent too much time being short before he got his growth spurt."
Spot glared at me and I gave him that sweet smile that meant trouble. They all recognized it only Spot welcomed it. He shot me a challenging smirk that was calculated to irritate me. If there was one thing we had learned that day we spent fighting it was how to get on each other's last nerve.
"I'll take my chances Jack." I said in a tone that told I wouldn't be argued with. That spoke in volumes of my stubbornness.
"Ya gonna stay here." Jack snapped slamming his hand down on the table. "I've let ya run wild Cameo, I've let ya have ya way more than once, but I'm gonna put my foot down. Ya my newsie and I ain't gonna let ya get hurt. We're doin this for ya own good."
"For my own good?" I snapped back "for my own good. No would not be good for me to stay here. Thank you for your concern, but I don't need your help."
"Ya need help Cameo." Blink told me softly "We could try to protect you, but your safest bet is with Spot."
"I'm not willing to gamble my soul." I said bitterly. ". I can't take fighting with the arrogant bastard for as long as it takes for this mess to get sorted out. I'll be fine on my own; I don't need a man to protect me. I'm not like the whimpering fools of this time that cower in a corner the minute a man raises his voice. My life has never revolved around a man and I'm not going to start now. I'm not asking anyone to take on my problems, but me.
"Like ya didn't need a man last night?" Spot broke in. "Like ya took care of yaself last night? If it weren't for me, girl, ya would have been raped and left for dead."
I looked at him mutinously, but didn't answer he continued on frustrated by my look. He was right I couldn't dispute it. I had needed him last night, but I wasn't about to admit it. He looked at me for a moment then sighed throwing up his hands in frustraition.
" Ya don't get it do ya? Ox killed one of my newsies last night. Killed him for the humiliation Quill brought on him. Now who do ya think he's gonna go after next?"
"I don't know Spot, why don't you be the genius and explain it to my feeble mind." I growled. I expected his anger, I hoped for his anger, the look of understanding made me want to bite something. He knew what I was feeling I could see my emotions reflected in his eyes. I didn't want his understanding I wanted him angry, I wanted him to wash his hands of me so I might be free. So that those beautiful eyes would stop haunting me, that his kisses might be erased.
"He's gonna come after you." was all Spot said. " An if he's a real idiot he'll come after me."
"Well I can't say I could give him points in the intelligence category." I muttered.
"Ya'll be better off here." Mush offered his usually cheerful look replaced with a worried one. It was a point that everyone had brought up, it was one I couldn't argue, but I was being backed into a corner. My fate being decided for me as I watched and I had no say. It had irked me that I had been sent here in the first place without a choice; now that I was here I didn't have a choice. I hated fate, I wanted to beat my hands against the web of life that was being spun by a force I couldn't see, that was guiding me to a destination I didn't know if I wanted to end up at.
"Crutchy." I cried turning to my last hope, if anyone Crutchy would be against this. He looked up at me the look of helpless anger made my heart sink.
"I can't argue with it Cameo, they's right." Crutchy said the words as if they burned his tongue. "I tried already."
"It ain't that bad Cameo." Mush said gently as I sat trying to accept my sentence. I took a deep breath and nodded my reluctant acceptance. What other choice did I have? I hated that rhetorical question, but unfortunately it was too true. Spot tried to hide the triumphant smile, he had won, and he knew it.
"We better get back to Manhattan." Jack sighed in relief standing, his newsies following suite. "We still got papes to sell today."
"If things get bad here, ya let me know." Crutchy told me softly as he passed by, patting my back in reassurance. I didn't respond and he waited for a moment before making his way to the door. I could hear his awkward steps fading as Blink and Mush both approached me.
"We are gonna keep our promise Cameo." Mush told me squatting down so he was eye level with me. I looked into his warm eyes and then up at Blink who squeezed my shoulder.
"We ain't gonna let him hurt ya." Blink added. "We'll be here every day to see how things is goin."
I nodded not smiling and they took what they could get before they left. Jack gave no words of advice or encouragement as he followed the last of the boys. One of the Brooklyn newsies appeared from a small room to our right and handed Mimic off to Jack. Jack took Mimic's hand firmly in his own before the kid had a chance to run to me. Mimic gave me a waive, I was sure he did not understanding what was happening. I knew the boys would have played it up to keep the curious and overly excitable boy from getting worried. Finally only Glimmer, Spot and I were left in the room.
"We aint' sellin today, but tomorrow ya'll come out with me." Spot told me before he meandered in the direction of the door.
"Oh, I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. I get to sell with you really?" I asked clapping my hands my words dripping with sarcasm.
"Ya ain't goin anywhere without one of me boys or me personally with you." Spot said ignoring my words. He shut the door behind him, I growled in frustration wanting to throw something. I couldn't even get a rise out of him; I couldn't funnel my frustration and anger into him as I usually did. I had no outlet and I was ready to bite something. Glimmer put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I forced myself to relax.
"Well let's get you settled in." she said smiling at me with a cheer I knew she wasn't feeling. Too many clouds were settled over today, too much sorrow to sort through. I thought about Quill, about the young boy who I had attempted to save and in the end failed. I wondered if there would be a service for him, if we would be allowed to give our final respects to a boy we hardly knew, but had accepted as one of our own.
"Glimmer, what happened to Quill, will there be a funeral?" I asked as I followed her up the stairs.
"No," she said grimly her hand clutching the banister for a moment. "The bulls found him before we could take him. He'll probably be buried some time today or tomorrow in an unmarked grave, another unknown street rat killed in a scuffle."
I felt the bitterness she did and it threatened to choke me as I set about helping her. We cleaned side by side neither of us speaking both of us trying to loose ourselves on work so we would not have to think about things.
I was nearly exhausted as the day came to a close, the sunset staining the sky with color of red and gold's. I slipped out the back door of the Lodging House and made my way to the docks wanting for a moment to sit and watch the sky. To have a moment to reflect on Quill's life, what little I knew and pray he found peace. I knew I wasn't supposed to wonder off by myself, but I needed a moment without someone hovering. It was making me more irritable than usual.
I didn't see Spot sitting at the end of the dock until it was too late, he was half hidden behind a crate that sat against the post that held the dock up. I froze, he had to have heard me come up, I hadn't been trying to sneak up on him and had lumbered up the wooden structure like an elephant. He looked like the confused and lost boy he was instead of the powerhouse Brooklyn leader I knew so well. This was the side I had gotten a glimpse of in Central Park and last night as he talked with Glimmer. He made me want to comfort him.
A sketchpad lay across his lap, a charcoal pencil clutched in his hand. I was surprised; Spot didn't strike me as the artist type, the boxing type maybe, the professional wrestler minus the steroid enhanced muscles perhaps, but not an artist.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I sat on the end of the dock leaving as much space as I could between us. I was trying to break the awkward moment by saying the first thing that came to mind.
"I could ask you the same question." He replied coolly, his hand frozen over the paper. "I thought I told ya I didn't want ya goin anywhere with out me or my boys."
"The hovering bit was getting old." I told him simply knowing I had intentionally disobeyed him. I wasn't going to make excuses; I had done what I had done.
"Look we gonna get one thing straight here." Spot snapped, "Ya gotta do what I tell ya, or ya gonna get yaself killed."
"I'm not afraid of death." I responded calmly, he looked up at me sharply and took a quick breath as he saw the truth in my eyes. I was a person who did not fear death I courted it. I wasn't the suicidal type in the conventional sense, but I didn't usually care if I lived or if I died. That was where my courage came from, that was why I had jumped into a loosing battle and brought most of these problems to Spot's door. That and the fact I couldn't stand to see another in pain. I had spent too much time fighting pain to sit by and watch someone else live in it. He knew what it was to feel those feelings, he knew what it was to not really care, but he had a sister that adored him. It gave him something to keep going for, me I had memories and loneliness.
My gaze shifted to his sketchpad and he looked from it to me. I let a smirk play on my lips and his face darkened.
" Ya gonna run off to tell everyone?" he growled the pencil in his hand looking ready to snap under the pressure of his hand
"You couldn't stop me if you tried." I challenged, but I could see the fear in his eyes. I took the sketchpad from his hand and he made no move to stop me. I glanced at the notepad and found an incredible sketch of Quill on the top page. Flipping through it I found more sketches of people, some he had to have sketched as they were passing by. I had begun in the back after seeing Quill's portrait. The next few pictures much to my shock were of me. I glanced at him quickly; he looked back at me emotionlessly and shrugged. An artist draws as he sees someone, and the portraits he drew couldn't have been more flattering if they had been professional pictures at one of those places you pay to make you look like a model. It made me wonder, but I pushed those thoughts away, they were dangerous.
He was watching me warily. If I told anyone about this his reputation would be ruined, he would be labeled a wimp and ousted. Had it been anyone, but the hard as nails leader of Brooklyn who relied on his reputation to keep both his newsies and the other newsies of New York in line, it would have been ignored. The newsies would have teased him and let it go, but Spot, he would be humiliated. His enemies and his friends alike would suddenly see him as human and not the enigma that was Spot. I had a feeling that there were many people who would love to get their hands on that information.
"Go ahead, tell my boys that I draws in me spare time." Spot snapped "Go on, I'm not stopping ya."
I was stung, I had wanted to comfort him, wanted to reach out to the lost soul I had seen sitting here alone. He had looked like the lost boy who had been forced to grow up too fast instead of the overly confident leader he forced himself to be.
"If that's how you want it." I replied starting to push myself up. I stopped as he placed a restraining hand gently on my thigh. I shut the sketchpad and handed it back, he accepted it gratefully. We looked at each other the silence between us almost deafening.
It was one of those moments where time stands still and the scene you have before you are forever imprinted upon your brain. Like a mental snap shot that you may take out and enjoy or it may haunt you for life. I knew I would remember the way the water lapped at the dock and the sun made the water turn to molten gold. I would remember the way his head was tilted, his hat gone and his dark blonde hair as golden as the water in the fading sunlight. I would remember the flash of longing as I looked upon that face noting the masks of arrogance and self-certainty gone.
I knew I was at a crossroad of sorts. I could flee and he wouldn't stop me, he would let me go or I could stay. If I stayed I would loose the battle that had been raging inside me from the moment we had met. I wanted to run, my instincts telling me to do just that, but I couldn't, I could see the frustration, anger, and pain on his face. It tore at my heart, and I forced myself to cover his hand with mine and give it a gentle squeeze telling him without words I understood. He looked at me for a moment before withdrawing his hand. He opened the sketchpad and gave the drawing another few strokes shading as he finished them.
"I'm sorry." He said softly as he continued to draw. " I ain't ever let anyone, but Glimmer catch me drawin, an well I'm used to fightin with ya."
"You're talented." I told him not knowing what else to say.
"Thanks." I saw a bit of color creep into his cheeks and was amazed that the infallible Spot Conlon was sitting next to me blushing. Silence fell between us and he looked out at the water his face full of sorrow and self- recrimination. I knew that look, I knew what dark road it could lead you down.
"It wasn't your fault you know." I said trying to sooth away the pain that I could not help reacting to.
"It is my fault." His voice was bitter. I looked away as I saw him fighting with the tears that glistened in his eyes; he brushed at them angrily as man does when he doesn't want to someone to see him cry. "I'm the leader, it's my job to make sure my newsies is taken care of, is safe. I failed him."
I gently put a hand to his cheek turning his face so he was eye to eye with me. I looked into his face, the smirk was gone, his mouth pursed in pain and anger, his hair gleaming golden in the light, his bright eyes the color of flames. Blue was the hottest burning flame next to white, I thought. I was suddenly reminded of the archangel Michael. Michael Conlon, it fit. His creed was to take care of his own, his vow to help the weak, his life devoted to the people he called family, his arms willing to comfort the lost, his strength a sight to behold.
"You can't save everyone." I whispered too entranced by the hypnotizing effect of his eyes to speak any louder. Instinctively I reached out and brushed at the hair at his temple in a comforting gesture. He caught my wrist, his look was serious and I could see the softening of his eyes and mouth.
We sat both of us like statues, each afraid to break another moment when our masks were down and our walls were breach able. Without taking his eyes from mine he gently kissed the hand that he held. The familiar shiver ran down my spine, his sketchpad fell from his lap as he moved closer to me, one hand snaking around my neck, the other curling around my waist, both pulling me in for a kiss. I was lost, drowning in the emotions he evoked just as I had that night in Central Park. The kiss was heated, as we both fought to use it as a way to forget the world, to forget the pain and frustration that the world perpetually left us in. As we each fought to loose ourselves in the other. I felt the rough boards beneath me and knew Spot was leaning above me. I tried to reach for common sense, but with Spots lips against mine I couldn't. One hand was held tightly in my hair, the other caressing my neck. His lips followed his hand and though it brought a fire raging within me it allowed my brain to function at least a little.
I heard a bird call across the water and my mind broke entirely free taking control of my heart. I rolled from beneath him, anger and shame filling me. What was wrong with me? Why did I ask myself that so much when he was around? Why was it he could make all thoughts fly from my head? Why did I come close to breaking all my personal vows?
"You mistake me for one of your easy companions." I said bitterly trying to get to my feet. He stopped me, I couldn't move, his iron grip holding both of my arms.
" I don't believe you are one of my easy girls." Spot told me as I twisted trying to get free. "Though ya act like it."
"How romantic Spot, when are you going to start spouting poetry?" I growled still working to free myself. I was angry with myself, at the shame that filled me, at what I would have allowed him. He made me forget everything including the very promises I had made to myself. " Here I'll give your first one it's title..... Ode to a whore."
"Whatta ya want me to say Cameo, ya have no sense of modesty, "Spot cried tightening his grip. "Ya have no sense of decency, ya don't know when to keep ya mouth shut, ya kiss like a girl who knows what she's doin. Ya gonna surprise me and tell me ya a virgin?"
I fell silent unsure of how to answer that, I wasn't, but in my time that wasn't the crime it was here.
"Just because I know how to kiss and I'm not well.... not a virgin doesn't make me a whore Spot." I finally whispered, tears were in my eyes as I looked at him. I had never felt as cheap as I did then, not even that day at Tibby's could rival this. He looked a little disappointed as I admitted that I hadn't saved myself. .
" I'm not going to be another girl you use and let go when you get bored. I won't let myself."
"So that's what this has been about." Spot said a knowing and superior voice, "Ya wanted me all along, but ya don't want to want me."
"Your self assurance astounds me." I muttered again unable to deny his words. I continued letting what I hadn't even told Crutchy to pour forth, feeling the weight of it, knowing Spot probably wouldn't understand, but needing to explain it anyway "I'm not going for a roll in the hay with you so you may as well give it up. I didn't have enough respect for myself when I was younger. I was stupid and believed the smooth words of men I thought loved me. I listened to their words of affection and believed them. I was naive and stupid. I won't make that mistake again. I won't allow myself to be used again."
The pain in my words was enough to make Spots eyes to darken in pity. I didn't want his pity. It was my turn to look out over the water until Spot pulled my chin around and up so I was eye-to-eye with him. His face showed none of the arrogance from earlier.
"Look Briar, I ain't gonna use ya." Spot told me. I could see the promise shining in his eyes. He meant what he said, I knew that he wouldn't use me, not on purpose, but what happened when I no longer was one of the few girls that denied him? What happened when I was no longer a challenge? What would he do when the novelty that was me wore off?
"You want what you can't have." I replied struggling to pull myself away. "It's the basis of my appeal. I think we should stay as we are."
His lips met mine and I felt myself slipping, my arms sliding around his neck, my body fitting against his as if it were made to be there.
"I don't agree." he whispered against my lips, gently he pushed my mused hair from my face. "I don't wantta let ya go."
"I bet you say that to all the girls." I said lamely, the rest of my retort was forgotten as he kissed me again.
"Ya can't deny that Briar." He whispered in my ear before standing scooping his sketchpad from the docks. "Don't even try, I won't believe you."
I was silent as I watched him look down at me. He held out his hand and I took it allowing him to help me up.
"Let's go, I ain't leavin ya out here by yaself." He told me "Ya shouldn't have been out here by yaself anyway, it's a good thing I was here or ya woulda gotten a good yellin."
"Oh no, you would have yelled at me." I laughed widening my eyes in mock fear. "I'm shaking."
He rolled his eyes and took my hand pulling me down the dock toward the Lodging House. I let him, enjoying the feeling of his fingers entwined with mine. I wasn't going to cave, but I could enjoy the moment couldn't I?
JP: Okay the dreaded romantic chapter. What do you think, please tell me I am not getting too sappy in my lack of sleep.
Card: I wrote more, now it's your turn
Chelci: I'm glad you liked it, I tried to keep things platonic between Spot and his sister because.. Well, that's just wrong!
Ali: Okay hopeless romantic, they're not exactly together yet, but much closer!
Falco: Sorry, but it was just the perfect opportunity and well..... You're right poor Quill. Hope you liked this one as well.
Indy: Thank you I'm glad you have enjoyed this so far. I hope for another review to tell me what you think of this.
Dreamer: Wow you have a favorite chapter? Cool! Hope you enjoyed this one.
I woke groggily to knocking on the door; I shook my head surprised Kloppman was knocking so gently. Normally it was with a banging that came close to knocking the door off its hinges. My eyes focused and I realized with a start I wasn't back at the Lodging House. Mimic was wiping the sleep from his eyes in the cute manner that only a small kid can do. The night's events rushed back at me like the water funneling down a water slide. I was in Brooklyn, I had been tricked into coming and had gotten attacked, Spot had rescued me. Damn, I owed him again.
"Cameo?" Glimmer asked as she opened the door and stuck her head inside. "Get dressed, Jack and the others are here."
I nodded as I mulled over what had happened. I shoed Mimic out of the room and set about getting ready, my brain over turning all that had happened trying to put it all in perspective. There was a lot for my brain to process.
The Brooklyn newsies were leaving as I made my way down the stairs, they moved with less enthusiasm than they usually did. The loss of one of their own seemed to have hit them hard. Five faces looked at me from the table in the common room and watched me walk toward them. Spot, Glimmer, Mush, Blink, and Crutchy were all gathered around the table and all looked to me as I paused on the last few stairs. I felt uncomfortable under their gaze. Glimmer offered me a small smile and I returned it, thankful for it. Jack watched me with an unreadable expression, the other boys looked at me uneasily. They had something to tell me that I wasn't going to like, I could see it in their faces.
"Ya know why we're all here Cameo?" Spot asked I looked at him dread making my stomach twist. I shook my head unable to say anything; I knew I had acted stupidly last night. I felt the fear that followed remembering how quick Jack had been to decide to kick me out of the Lodging House in the beginning. I hoped that wasn't what this little get together was about. My mind raced trying to figure out exactly what they were there for besides the fact I could have gotten myself killed last night.
"We're tryin to decide what to do with ya." He continued, I remembered the conversation from last night, the words he had spoken to Glimmer, the side of him that had been deeply hidden. I wish I had never heard it. It made him human; it made me unable to categorize him as an ass that deserved a verbal beating. It made it so much easier to like him, something I was fighting to keep myself from doing. It made him deserving of affection, and I knew my heart was more than willing to give it to him. My mind however thankfully was the one in control.
"And what have you decided?" I asked smoothly, the china doll expression on my face as I waited for his response. I wasn't about to stay in Brooklyn, whether it was for my own good or not. I would not let myself be so close to Spot. I was just starting to gain control over my renegade emotions in his absence. My world was just starting to take on some order.
"I think ya gonna have to stay here with me." Spot said searching my face as he said it. I said nothing for a moment, just looked at each of them who nodded with various degrees of reluctant agreement.
"I'm not going to stay here." I replied my face still held emotionless; I looked to Jack who shook his head before speaking. He knew my tone, it meant I was going to be stubborn, I wouldn't back down until I had either gotten my way or they managed to convince me it was really a good idea.
"Cameo, ya better off here with Spot he can protect you like the rest of us can't." He told me his voice trying to get me to see reason. "I got me own reputation, but when it comes to fighting Spot's got the best."
"Must be from short man syndrome." I said wryly. "He spent too much time being short before he got his growth spurt."
Spot glared at me and I gave him that sweet smile that meant trouble. They all recognized it only Spot welcomed it. He shot me a challenging smirk that was calculated to irritate me. If there was one thing we had learned that day we spent fighting it was how to get on each other's last nerve.
"I'll take my chances Jack." I said in a tone that told I wouldn't be argued with. That spoke in volumes of my stubbornness.
"Ya gonna stay here." Jack snapped slamming his hand down on the table. "I've let ya run wild Cameo, I've let ya have ya way more than once, but I'm gonna put my foot down. Ya my newsie and I ain't gonna let ya get hurt. We're doin this for ya own good."
"For my own good?" I snapped back "for my own good. No would not be good for me to stay here. Thank you for your concern, but I don't need your help."
"Ya need help Cameo." Blink told me softly "We could try to protect you, but your safest bet is with Spot."
"I'm not willing to gamble my soul." I said bitterly. ". I can't take fighting with the arrogant bastard for as long as it takes for this mess to get sorted out. I'll be fine on my own; I don't need a man to protect me. I'm not like the whimpering fools of this time that cower in a corner the minute a man raises his voice. My life has never revolved around a man and I'm not going to start now. I'm not asking anyone to take on my problems, but me.
"Like ya didn't need a man last night?" Spot broke in. "Like ya took care of yaself last night? If it weren't for me, girl, ya would have been raped and left for dead."
I looked at him mutinously, but didn't answer he continued on frustrated by my look. He was right I couldn't dispute it. I had needed him last night, but I wasn't about to admit it. He looked at me for a moment then sighed throwing up his hands in frustraition.
" Ya don't get it do ya? Ox killed one of my newsies last night. Killed him for the humiliation Quill brought on him. Now who do ya think he's gonna go after next?"
"I don't know Spot, why don't you be the genius and explain it to my feeble mind." I growled. I expected his anger, I hoped for his anger, the look of understanding made me want to bite something. He knew what I was feeling I could see my emotions reflected in his eyes. I didn't want his understanding I wanted him angry, I wanted him to wash his hands of me so I might be free. So that those beautiful eyes would stop haunting me, that his kisses might be erased.
"He's gonna come after you." was all Spot said. " An if he's a real idiot he'll come after me."
"Well I can't say I could give him points in the intelligence category." I muttered.
"Ya'll be better off here." Mush offered his usually cheerful look replaced with a worried one. It was a point that everyone had brought up, it was one I couldn't argue, but I was being backed into a corner. My fate being decided for me as I watched and I had no say. It had irked me that I had been sent here in the first place without a choice; now that I was here I didn't have a choice. I hated fate, I wanted to beat my hands against the web of life that was being spun by a force I couldn't see, that was guiding me to a destination I didn't know if I wanted to end up at.
"Crutchy." I cried turning to my last hope, if anyone Crutchy would be against this. He looked up at me the look of helpless anger made my heart sink.
"I can't argue with it Cameo, they's right." Crutchy said the words as if they burned his tongue. "I tried already."
"It ain't that bad Cameo." Mush said gently as I sat trying to accept my sentence. I took a deep breath and nodded my reluctant acceptance. What other choice did I have? I hated that rhetorical question, but unfortunately it was too true. Spot tried to hide the triumphant smile, he had won, and he knew it.
"We better get back to Manhattan." Jack sighed in relief standing, his newsies following suite. "We still got papes to sell today."
"If things get bad here, ya let me know." Crutchy told me softly as he passed by, patting my back in reassurance. I didn't respond and he waited for a moment before making his way to the door. I could hear his awkward steps fading as Blink and Mush both approached me.
"We are gonna keep our promise Cameo." Mush told me squatting down so he was eye level with me. I looked into his warm eyes and then up at Blink who squeezed my shoulder.
"We ain't gonna let him hurt ya." Blink added. "We'll be here every day to see how things is goin."
I nodded not smiling and they took what they could get before they left. Jack gave no words of advice or encouragement as he followed the last of the boys. One of the Brooklyn newsies appeared from a small room to our right and handed Mimic off to Jack. Jack took Mimic's hand firmly in his own before the kid had a chance to run to me. Mimic gave me a waive, I was sure he did not understanding what was happening. I knew the boys would have played it up to keep the curious and overly excitable boy from getting worried. Finally only Glimmer, Spot and I were left in the room.
"We aint' sellin today, but tomorrow ya'll come out with me." Spot told me before he meandered in the direction of the door.
"Oh, I don't think I can wait until tomorrow. I get to sell with you really?" I asked clapping my hands my words dripping with sarcasm.
"Ya ain't goin anywhere without one of me boys or me personally with you." Spot said ignoring my words. He shut the door behind him, I growled in frustration wanting to throw something. I couldn't even get a rise out of him; I couldn't funnel my frustration and anger into him as I usually did. I had no outlet and I was ready to bite something. Glimmer put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and I forced myself to relax.
"Well let's get you settled in." she said smiling at me with a cheer I knew she wasn't feeling. Too many clouds were settled over today, too much sorrow to sort through. I thought about Quill, about the young boy who I had attempted to save and in the end failed. I wondered if there would be a service for him, if we would be allowed to give our final respects to a boy we hardly knew, but had accepted as one of our own.
"Glimmer, what happened to Quill, will there be a funeral?" I asked as I followed her up the stairs.
"No," she said grimly her hand clutching the banister for a moment. "The bulls found him before we could take him. He'll probably be buried some time today or tomorrow in an unmarked grave, another unknown street rat killed in a scuffle."
I felt the bitterness she did and it threatened to choke me as I set about helping her. We cleaned side by side neither of us speaking both of us trying to loose ourselves on work so we would not have to think about things.
I was nearly exhausted as the day came to a close, the sunset staining the sky with color of red and gold's. I slipped out the back door of the Lodging House and made my way to the docks wanting for a moment to sit and watch the sky. To have a moment to reflect on Quill's life, what little I knew and pray he found peace. I knew I wasn't supposed to wonder off by myself, but I needed a moment without someone hovering. It was making me more irritable than usual.
I didn't see Spot sitting at the end of the dock until it was too late, he was half hidden behind a crate that sat against the post that held the dock up. I froze, he had to have heard me come up, I hadn't been trying to sneak up on him and had lumbered up the wooden structure like an elephant. He looked like the confused and lost boy he was instead of the powerhouse Brooklyn leader I knew so well. This was the side I had gotten a glimpse of in Central Park and last night as he talked with Glimmer. He made me want to comfort him.
A sketchpad lay across his lap, a charcoal pencil clutched in his hand. I was surprised; Spot didn't strike me as the artist type, the boxing type maybe, the professional wrestler minus the steroid enhanced muscles perhaps, but not an artist.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I sat on the end of the dock leaving as much space as I could between us. I was trying to break the awkward moment by saying the first thing that came to mind.
"I could ask you the same question." He replied coolly, his hand frozen over the paper. "I thought I told ya I didn't want ya goin anywhere with out me or my boys."
"The hovering bit was getting old." I told him simply knowing I had intentionally disobeyed him. I wasn't going to make excuses; I had done what I had done.
"Look we gonna get one thing straight here." Spot snapped, "Ya gotta do what I tell ya, or ya gonna get yaself killed."
"I'm not afraid of death." I responded calmly, he looked up at me sharply and took a quick breath as he saw the truth in my eyes. I was a person who did not fear death I courted it. I wasn't the suicidal type in the conventional sense, but I didn't usually care if I lived or if I died. That was where my courage came from, that was why I had jumped into a loosing battle and brought most of these problems to Spot's door. That and the fact I couldn't stand to see another in pain. I had spent too much time fighting pain to sit by and watch someone else live in it. He knew what it was to feel those feelings, he knew what it was to not really care, but he had a sister that adored him. It gave him something to keep going for, me I had memories and loneliness.
My gaze shifted to his sketchpad and he looked from it to me. I let a smirk play on my lips and his face darkened.
" Ya gonna run off to tell everyone?" he growled the pencil in his hand looking ready to snap under the pressure of his hand
"You couldn't stop me if you tried." I challenged, but I could see the fear in his eyes. I took the sketchpad from his hand and he made no move to stop me. I glanced at the notepad and found an incredible sketch of Quill on the top page. Flipping through it I found more sketches of people, some he had to have sketched as they were passing by. I had begun in the back after seeing Quill's portrait. The next few pictures much to my shock were of me. I glanced at him quickly; he looked back at me emotionlessly and shrugged. An artist draws as he sees someone, and the portraits he drew couldn't have been more flattering if they had been professional pictures at one of those places you pay to make you look like a model. It made me wonder, but I pushed those thoughts away, they were dangerous.
He was watching me warily. If I told anyone about this his reputation would be ruined, he would be labeled a wimp and ousted. Had it been anyone, but the hard as nails leader of Brooklyn who relied on his reputation to keep both his newsies and the other newsies of New York in line, it would have been ignored. The newsies would have teased him and let it go, but Spot, he would be humiliated. His enemies and his friends alike would suddenly see him as human and not the enigma that was Spot. I had a feeling that there were many people who would love to get their hands on that information.
"Go ahead, tell my boys that I draws in me spare time." Spot snapped "Go on, I'm not stopping ya."
I was stung, I had wanted to comfort him, wanted to reach out to the lost soul I had seen sitting here alone. He had looked like the lost boy who had been forced to grow up too fast instead of the overly confident leader he forced himself to be.
"If that's how you want it." I replied starting to push myself up. I stopped as he placed a restraining hand gently on my thigh. I shut the sketchpad and handed it back, he accepted it gratefully. We looked at each other the silence between us almost deafening.
It was one of those moments where time stands still and the scene you have before you are forever imprinted upon your brain. Like a mental snap shot that you may take out and enjoy or it may haunt you for life. I knew I would remember the way the water lapped at the dock and the sun made the water turn to molten gold. I would remember the way his head was tilted, his hat gone and his dark blonde hair as golden as the water in the fading sunlight. I would remember the flash of longing as I looked upon that face noting the masks of arrogance and self-certainty gone.
I knew I was at a crossroad of sorts. I could flee and he wouldn't stop me, he would let me go or I could stay. If I stayed I would loose the battle that had been raging inside me from the moment we had met. I wanted to run, my instincts telling me to do just that, but I couldn't, I could see the frustration, anger, and pain on his face. It tore at my heart, and I forced myself to cover his hand with mine and give it a gentle squeeze telling him without words I understood. He looked at me for a moment before withdrawing his hand. He opened the sketchpad and gave the drawing another few strokes shading as he finished them.
"I'm sorry." He said softly as he continued to draw. " I ain't ever let anyone, but Glimmer catch me drawin, an well I'm used to fightin with ya."
"You're talented." I told him not knowing what else to say.
"Thanks." I saw a bit of color creep into his cheeks and was amazed that the infallible Spot Conlon was sitting next to me blushing. Silence fell between us and he looked out at the water his face full of sorrow and self- recrimination. I knew that look, I knew what dark road it could lead you down.
"It wasn't your fault you know." I said trying to sooth away the pain that I could not help reacting to.
"It is my fault." His voice was bitter. I looked away as I saw him fighting with the tears that glistened in his eyes; he brushed at them angrily as man does when he doesn't want to someone to see him cry. "I'm the leader, it's my job to make sure my newsies is taken care of, is safe. I failed him."
I gently put a hand to his cheek turning his face so he was eye to eye with me. I looked into his face, the smirk was gone, his mouth pursed in pain and anger, his hair gleaming golden in the light, his bright eyes the color of flames. Blue was the hottest burning flame next to white, I thought. I was suddenly reminded of the archangel Michael. Michael Conlon, it fit. His creed was to take care of his own, his vow to help the weak, his life devoted to the people he called family, his arms willing to comfort the lost, his strength a sight to behold.
"You can't save everyone." I whispered too entranced by the hypnotizing effect of his eyes to speak any louder. Instinctively I reached out and brushed at the hair at his temple in a comforting gesture. He caught my wrist, his look was serious and I could see the softening of his eyes and mouth.
We sat both of us like statues, each afraid to break another moment when our masks were down and our walls were breach able. Without taking his eyes from mine he gently kissed the hand that he held. The familiar shiver ran down my spine, his sketchpad fell from his lap as he moved closer to me, one hand snaking around my neck, the other curling around my waist, both pulling me in for a kiss. I was lost, drowning in the emotions he evoked just as I had that night in Central Park. The kiss was heated, as we both fought to use it as a way to forget the world, to forget the pain and frustration that the world perpetually left us in. As we each fought to loose ourselves in the other. I felt the rough boards beneath me and knew Spot was leaning above me. I tried to reach for common sense, but with Spots lips against mine I couldn't. One hand was held tightly in my hair, the other caressing my neck. His lips followed his hand and though it brought a fire raging within me it allowed my brain to function at least a little.
I heard a bird call across the water and my mind broke entirely free taking control of my heart. I rolled from beneath him, anger and shame filling me. What was wrong with me? Why did I ask myself that so much when he was around? Why was it he could make all thoughts fly from my head? Why did I come close to breaking all my personal vows?
"You mistake me for one of your easy companions." I said bitterly trying to get to my feet. He stopped me, I couldn't move, his iron grip holding both of my arms.
" I don't believe you are one of my easy girls." Spot told me as I twisted trying to get free. "Though ya act like it."
"How romantic Spot, when are you going to start spouting poetry?" I growled still working to free myself. I was angry with myself, at the shame that filled me, at what I would have allowed him. He made me forget everything including the very promises I had made to myself. " Here I'll give your first one it's title..... Ode to a whore."
"Whatta ya want me to say Cameo, ya have no sense of modesty, "Spot cried tightening his grip. "Ya have no sense of decency, ya don't know when to keep ya mouth shut, ya kiss like a girl who knows what she's doin. Ya gonna surprise me and tell me ya a virgin?"
I fell silent unsure of how to answer that, I wasn't, but in my time that wasn't the crime it was here.
"Just because I know how to kiss and I'm not well.... not a virgin doesn't make me a whore Spot." I finally whispered, tears were in my eyes as I looked at him. I had never felt as cheap as I did then, not even that day at Tibby's could rival this. He looked a little disappointed as I admitted that I hadn't saved myself. .
" I'm not going to be another girl you use and let go when you get bored. I won't let myself."
"So that's what this has been about." Spot said a knowing and superior voice, "Ya wanted me all along, but ya don't want to want me."
"Your self assurance astounds me." I muttered again unable to deny his words. I continued letting what I hadn't even told Crutchy to pour forth, feeling the weight of it, knowing Spot probably wouldn't understand, but needing to explain it anyway "I'm not going for a roll in the hay with you so you may as well give it up. I didn't have enough respect for myself when I was younger. I was stupid and believed the smooth words of men I thought loved me. I listened to their words of affection and believed them. I was naive and stupid. I won't make that mistake again. I won't allow myself to be used again."
The pain in my words was enough to make Spots eyes to darken in pity. I didn't want his pity. It was my turn to look out over the water until Spot pulled my chin around and up so I was eye-to-eye with him. His face showed none of the arrogance from earlier.
"Look Briar, I ain't gonna use ya." Spot told me. I could see the promise shining in his eyes. He meant what he said, I knew that he wouldn't use me, not on purpose, but what happened when I no longer was one of the few girls that denied him? What happened when I was no longer a challenge? What would he do when the novelty that was me wore off?
"You want what you can't have." I replied struggling to pull myself away. "It's the basis of my appeal. I think we should stay as we are."
His lips met mine and I felt myself slipping, my arms sliding around his neck, my body fitting against his as if it were made to be there.
"I don't agree." he whispered against my lips, gently he pushed my mused hair from my face. "I don't wantta let ya go."
"I bet you say that to all the girls." I said lamely, the rest of my retort was forgotten as he kissed me again.
"Ya can't deny that Briar." He whispered in my ear before standing scooping his sketchpad from the docks. "Don't even try, I won't believe you."
I was silent as I watched him look down at me. He held out his hand and I took it allowing him to help me up.
"Let's go, I ain't leavin ya out here by yaself." He told me "Ya shouldn't have been out here by yaself anyway, it's a good thing I was here or ya woulda gotten a good yellin."
"Oh no, you would have yelled at me." I laughed widening my eyes in mock fear. "I'm shaking."
He rolled his eyes and took my hand pulling me down the dock toward the Lodging House. I let him, enjoying the feeling of his fingers entwined with mine. I wasn't going to cave, but I could enjoy the moment couldn't I?
JP: Okay the dreaded romantic chapter. What do you think, please tell me I am not getting too sappy in my lack of sleep.
Card: I wrote more, now it's your turn
Chelci: I'm glad you liked it, I tried to keep things platonic between Spot and his sister because.. Well, that's just wrong!
Ali: Okay hopeless romantic, they're not exactly together yet, but much closer!
Falco: Sorry, but it was just the perfect opportunity and well..... You're right poor Quill. Hope you liked this one as well.
Indy: Thank you I'm glad you have enjoyed this so far. I hope for another review to tell me what you think of this.
Dreamer: Wow you have a favorite chapter? Cool! Hope you enjoyed this one.