Okay, sorry I haven't updated in almost a week (a record high for me), but between Christmas, and spending Christmas on the couch with the flu I haven't had much time to write. So here it is, I hope you all had a better holiday than I did. Enjoy!



Finally I left the window and returned to haunting the roof. I sat quietly listening to Lucky below me pacing as she usually did when she knew I needed to be left alone, but was not willing to actually leave me alone. I was thinking, my eyes turned to the stars as I contemplated the person I had been and the person I was becoming. I could feel the girl I had locked away within myself pushing on the locks. She slipped free sometimes, much to the relief of the newsies. They seemed to delight in the moments I attacked with my old swift wit and humor. I knew Jack was leaving himself wide open for attacks that I only sometimes took, because they all wanted the old me back. Hell I wanted the old me back.

I could hear Glimmer whispering to Lucky as she sat on the fire escape watching her pace. They thought I couldn't hear, how wrong they were.

"What are we going to do Lucky?" Glimmer sighed, "She can't stay like this, she's so distant. I hate to see her like this."

"Well what do ya expect Glim?" Lucky hissed " Ya're asshole of a brother left her to the wolves and then disappears only to reappear with a dumb hussy on his arm. What do ya think that would do to ya? Think of Skit, think of how you would feel."

"I don't even know Spot anymore." Glimmer continued, I peeked over the roof anxious for any news of Spot. That had begun to eat at me, when had I ever languished away for a guy?" He's fightin like crazy almost gettin himself killed. He's dangerous, frightenin."

I had felt the girl I had been fighting against the locks I had placed on her cell. I snorted making me sound more of my old self, dangerous indeed; he hadn't been so dangerous when we were in the alley. Dangerous my foot, his reputation hadn't saved me from nearly dying, the ass. I thought angrily, anger, it had been what had brought me through my mother's death. It would serve me well now; I straightened my shoulders and shook my hair back as I continued to listen.

"She's been actin like Sarah." I hear Glimmer say her voice louder than it had been. Sarah? My mind recoiled from the thought, acting like Sarah? The girl I loved to hate, the defenseless twit that had no backbone? That had no will, that wouldn't argue if it were to save her life? I had become one of the dreaded milksops?

My mind shunned the thought, but as I thought back on it I hadn't been myself. I had allowed the boys to walk on me, I had mindlessly agreed because I had been afraid of what would happen. Fear because of what I had endured, but when had I ever been a person to be ruled by fear? My mind seemed to snap into reality away from the foggy place it had existed in. I had been through hell and survived, when had surviving meant living in fear? I knew that most people would have, but I was not most people, I would not be ruled by what had happened to me, it was not my style. I had lived through traumatic experiences before.

Enough of this B.S., I thought my raw emotions flooding with a hot strength. I'll take this like I have taken everything and you can bet it wasn't lying down. So Spot had left. I had known it was coming, I hadn't trusted him to have the attention span to stay. Why should I spend the rest of my life pining? When had I ever pined? Why in the hell did I care? What was wrong with me, I had lived to become a broken shell of what I had been? I didn't think so.

"What did you say Glimmer?" I asked in a deadly voice as I climbed down the stairs to the landing they were standing on. Lucky whirled her blonde hair flying around her as she did. Her blue eyes widened as she saw me leaning against the ladder watching with a look on my face I hadn't felt in days. "What in the hell did you just call me? Did you dare to call me Sarah?"

She stood her posture much like it had been the night we had first met. We faced off again, her honey brown hair fell around her shoulders, her green eyes flashed. She was seizing me up I could see it as she circled me, I did not move. I stood my ground and watched her my look a warning in itself. It was just like the night we had gained each other's respect. Then she smiled a smile so much like her brother's I felt my heart catch and my newfound resolve crumbling. I fought it pulling on the anger as I had so many times before, the doll mask falling over my face.

"I did." She said simply. " But I don't see Sarah now, welcome back Cameo."

"Thanks." I replied turning on my heel. She didn't want to fight, though I was itching for it. I couldn't bring myself to swing at her. The anger was building and I disappeared into the bunkroom trying to control the emotion I hadn't felt in a while, relishing the raw power of it. I tightened my reign on it though I knew I could take it out on any one of the boys milling about the bunkroom. I would learn control; I would not allow myself more stupid attacks. No more mistakes, no more running off without thinking things through I had had my share of stupid moves to last a life time. I would not be so rash. I had saved Mimic only barely and hadn't saved myself at all. It was time to lock away the rash decisions not what made me, well me. I could learn to survive, I could learn to fit in, but that did not mean I had to lose myself. Words tumbled into my mind in the form of a song that was well known to nearly everyone in my time.

"At first I was afraid,I was petrified, Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side." I smiled to myself as I hummed the lyrics flying through my head, ignoring the looks from both Glimmer and Lucky. "But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,

and I grew strong, and I learned how to get along."

I closed my eyes as I let the words sink into my resolve and I made them my personal mission. "Go on now go, walk out the door.

Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no not I! I will survive!

For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.

I've got all my life to live,

And I've got all my love to give,

and I will survive I will survive!"

I opened my eyes as I finished and looked out at the city breathing in the air deeply. My resolve was by no means steady, but I would survive. Mush and Blink looked out the window worriedly. I ignored them and pushed past into the bunkroom, they looked to the girls quizzically.

"What was that?" I heard Lucky ask as sauntered away from the window. There was that she's crazy tone. I found I almost welcomed that tone, knowing that it meant I was back.

"That was Cameo." Glimmer replied, I could hear the relief and satisfaction in her voice.

Race sat in the corner like a king reigning over the current poker game. I sat next to Jack taking the cigarette that was dangling from his lips and took a deep much needed drag. Jack looked up in surprise at me, Race smiled knowingly as he gathered up the cards and his winnings. I didn't have to even ask as the next shuffle came around and I was automatically dealt in. I looked at my cards and smiled; with a hand like this my luck had to be changing.

I did not make an immediate comeback, but I slowly came out of the protective shell I had thrown over myself and became me again. Jack and I traded quick retorts with casual ease, Blink and Mush egged me on with smiles. Glimmer visited frequently, she joined into what ever we were doing. Things seemed to be returning to normal, life was moving on as it always does. Time keeps moving whether we want it to stop so we can gather ourselves together or not. It does not care if we've suffered a tremendous blow it just keeps flowing.

I noticed one thing in particular as the days went by, they were all careful not to mention Spot's name around me. I did not mention it either; I waited, waited until he would come. I knew eventually he would have to show his face in Manhattan; Jack was refusing to go there. I knew his curiosity would get the better of him and he would have to poke his nose around as he did before. I waited until the day would come when I could take back a little of my own. I kept tight reign on my anger saving up for that moment. I sat back and waited for the moment when I would unleash on him all the reactions of my captivity.

The sky was over cast as we wondered back to the Lodging House, for lunch. We had avoided Tibby's that day since Spot was going to be coming into Manhattan for the first time since my ordeal. I pushed that thought away in favor of others that were less painful.

I could smell snow in the air and we were all dreading it. I had loved cool weather until I had had to work in it. My cheeks were rosy with cold and I couldn't feel either my nose or my hands. My feet luckily were warm enough; I had taken some of my carefully saved money and bought a sturdy pair of boots a size too big and a couple pairs of wool stockings that I wore now. I hated to think of what it would be like when winter really hit though.

I made a mental note to buy some gloves and a scarf for Mimic as I watched him skip ahead rubbing his hands together. He smiled back at me as he ran up the stairs to the bunkroom and I had to catch him before he fell all the way down them.

When I reached the top of the stairs I found Mimic and Mush standing in front of the closed bunkroom door. I could hear voices coming from within. That was odd no one, except us were going to be in Lodging House for lunch today. Which was a good thing since it would consist of bread and meat left over from dinner the night before. It was especially odd since the bunkroom door was rarely ever closed. Mush opened the door and immediately turned around almost running me over as he did.

"Mush, where's the fire?" I asked my curiosity perked at the worried look on his face.

"I forgot me papes back by the bakery, would ya come with me to get them?" he responded though his papers were clutched in his hand.

"Mush, your papers are right in your hands." I told him, he looked to Blink who despite the fact he held his own papers took Mush's hurriedly.

"Those were mine, that's why he forgot his." Blink said hurriedly. I rolled my eyes and pushed past them.

"If you think I'll buy that then you're the crazy ones." I replied. "What is wrong with you guys?"

I stopped dead as heard familiar voices coming from behind the closed door.

"Damn it Spot you have to do this." I heard Glimmer yell.

"I can't do it Bri, I can't." Spot's voice sounded, as I had never heard it. It was lost and full of pain. " I can't."

"Do it Spot." Glimmer hissed. " Talk to her, ya left her to die. Now I don't blame ya, I know and she knows ya did what ya had to do as leader, but walkin by with that slut was crossing over the line. Now ya gonna talk to her tell her what ya told me last night or I'm gonna skin ya alive. She deserves to hear it."

Slowly my hand turned the knob on the door and swung the door open to find a cool pair of eyes looked me over as if searching for the bruises and cuts that had started to fade, though there were scars left that would make me uncomfortable to wear a bikini. Eyes that made my heart freeze and my breath stop in my lungs. Fear filled me almost immobilizing me, but I fought it unwilling to be its prisoner any longer.

" Rover," I said with my old wry tone, though it sounded strained even to my own ears. " Did you get lost on your way home and end up in the Lodging House or did you just loose your way to Tibby's?"

"I had business here." Spot replied quietly, his eyes telling me he was not as together as he seemed.

"Really, well why don't you finish your business and get out of Manhattan," I snapped pulling on the anger that had been building up within me. " I'm sure there's some sweet little thing lounging in your bed waiting anxiously for your return. Stupid girl."

"What's the matter Briar?" Spot growled standing, his eyes were flashing and I remembered Glimmers remarks about his attitude from earlier. I barely managed to keep from cowering, but he caught the action. I could tell when his tone softened a little as he continued. "Jealous?"

He seemed more dangerous, anger crackled between us like lightning and I wasn't sure I could handle it. My knees were already going to give out just because he was here, my eyes frantically battling tears. He had abandoned me and left me to die. I tried to remind myself as I fought the urge to throw myself into his arms. Arms that looked quite willing to hold me.

"Don't flatter yourself Spot." I retorted taking away from him. "That would mean I gave a shit."

Mush took a step forward, but I saw Lucky place a hand on his shoulder. He looked from her to me, but stayed where he was. Spot stared at me for a moment, was that hurt I saw in those eyes? We stared each other down; coolly calmly I stood though inside I was shaking with emotion.

"I would have thought ya would have learned ya lesson." he said finally. "I had hoped to find a lady."

"I am a lady remember Spot?" I hissed " And you said you'd soak anyone who said otherwise. I think it's going to be difficult teaching yourself a lesson, but I'd be happy to help."

"Jack said ya were coming back to yaself." Spot's voice held a note of satisfaction and I glared at him.

"If it weren't for you I wouldn't have had to come back to myself." I growled. "Get out, I have nothing more to say to you."

"Well I can't finish my business until I talk to ya." Spot told me his tone almost gentle. I clutched my head as I felt one of the headaches that always followed thoughts of my captivity coming on. Mimic put a worried hand through my own and I smiled reassuringly at him.

"Don't ya think ya done enough damage?" Blink asked angrily coming to stand in front of me. "Go back to Brooklyn Spotty boy, we don't want ya here."

"I can't do that until I've talked to her alone." Spot replied getting almost nose-to-nose with Blink. " Don't get in my way Kid Blink, I'll murder ya. Ya know I can take ya and Mush."

"Leave her alone." Mimic's childish voice rang out above the older kid's voices. "Haven't ya hurt her enough?"

"Look all I'm askin for here is a few minutes." Spot cried. " All of ya get out and let me talk to her for a few minutes, or my sister will never leave me alone."

"She'll be okay, I promise." Glimmer said quietly. "She better be."

The last was said with a warning look as she ushered them out the door. I watched helplessly not wanting to be alone with him.

"We'll be just downstairs." Glimmer told us before the door shut reminding me sharply of the night Ox had shut the door with a finality that had made me quiver with fear. I sat on the nearest bunk to hide my shaking legs.

"What do you want?" I asked finally never looking at him, my eyes attached my gaze to the floor and I refused to look up.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." He sighed. " I'm sorry I left ya with Ox, I'm sorry I didn't save ya."

"Are you?"

"Yeah." He growled. " I didn't want to leave ya that night, but I figured we could get ya out. I figured Ghost and Shadow would find ya like they found Mimic. They tried to follow, but Ox lost them. We searched for you, but we couldn't find a trace. I... I tried Briar."

"Did you?" my voice was toneless, though the damnation in them was unmistakable. "Obviously not hard enough."

"I know." I looked up at his words not expecting the self-damnation I heard in them. I knew that look, I knew that feeling I had felt all the emotions I saw flittering through his face. I had felt them myself the night I found Mimic had been taken.

Mimic and I had never talked about it, we had just picked up and moved on, unwilling to waste another moment on the pain that we had struggled through. Though some nights I held him and cried for all I had put him through. He pretended to sleep, but I knew he wasn't as I felt his little hand twine in my hair or gently rub my arm. Was it fair for me to condemn Spot for what I had done as well? For leaving me to a mess that was not his making. When it all came down to it all that had happened had been my fault had been because of my own stupidity. I had paid for it, but was it right to make Spot pay for it as well?

Mimic had forgiven me without even prodding, but then I had come for Mimic. Spot had never appeared. He couldn't a little voice whispered. He tried, but he couldn't find you. I tried to push it away preferring the anger that I had horded waiting for this moment, but as I reached for it and Spot braced himself for what he could see coming on my face I found nothing there.

"Go ahead." He said softly. " I deserve it. I failed ya, I left ya, I even tried to forget ya, but that girl didn't help. She just made me feel like shit for doing that to ya."

I wanted to resent him, but I understood something that made resentment almost impossible for me. I knew what he had done. He had been so angry with himself at what he had done or had not been able to do he had tried to push me out of his life. Tried to forget his failure in hopes he could forget everything.

"It's alright Spot." I responded, the words coming out slowly. I didn't know what to do, I had managed to pull myself back to normal based on the anger I had felt toward Spot and now that there wasn't any there I didn't know how to react.

"I don't deserve to be forgiven." He whispered as he knelt in front of me, not touching me, but looking at me.

"Don't you?" I asked taking his hand and patting it. " Mimic forgave me long ago and what he went through was all of my making."

" But I'm a man. It was my job to protect ya." Spot said bitterly. " I failed, I didn't do what I was put on this earth to do and that's protect my women. Even from their selves sometimes and then I told ya I wanted ya to get out. I was just so angry Briar I didn't know what to do. I had been so afraid you would be dead before I got there and then when you were alive I was so angry I wanted to kill ya myself."

"You tried Spot, you just didn't get there in time." I found myself saying in a sympathetic voice. " I'm alive and for that I will be eternally grateful. You can to back to Brooklyn with a clear conscience."

He looked at me for a moment then stood, my heart was in my throat as I watched him start to walk to the door.

"Briar?" he asked suddenly without turning around. " Do ya think this ruined what we had goin?"

His back was straight as he waited; it had been a hard question for him to ask I was sure. It would have been so much easier for him to walk out the door forever and never look back.

"I don't know Spot." I said truthfully, he took a step forward. I watched as he walked to the door and paused again, I squeezed my eyes shut unable to watch to see if he left or if he turned. I did not hear him turn and walk to me, though I felt hands gently touch my face. I shrank away unable to help in involuntary action. I felt gently lips on mine that I shrunk away from, fear filled me and my eyes flew open.

"I won't hurt ya." Spot whispered the pain in his eyes as he realized why I was reacting the way I did made me look away. Slowly I felt his arms close around me. Arms I had longed for since that night. I felt the tears that blinded me slide down my cheeks as I stiffened. He didn't let me go instead he continued to hold me until I relaxed. "I won't let anyone else hurt ya either, not ever again."

"Oh how cliché." I said my voice somewhere between a laugh and a sob. He chuckled and held me closer. We stayed like that for a few moments until I raised my head, placed a hand on his cheek and turned his face so his lips met mine. For a moment I felt as if I was suffocating and my body trembled with fear, but Spot did not move. He waited patiently for me to make the next move finally I hesitantly kissed him. Still he gave me the control and when I finally pulled away my breathlessness had nothing to do with fear.

"I'm sorry Briar." He whispered as he blinked away tears that I knew he would do what he could to keep from shedding. He was a man, he was a pillar of strength, but he had emotions.

"Tell me one thing Conlon." I commanded taking his face in both of my hands. " Did you kill Ox?"

He looked away shame on his face as he held me close and nodded. I didn't say anything more; I figured if he wanted to tell me he would. Finally he broke the silence and I listened, my hand in his, for the demons I knew haunted him.

"When Lucky came to see me after you were missin and told me she had ya, well I went to make sure. You were so broken Briar." He whispered caught in memories I was sure he wished he had been blessed with the ability to forget. "You were layin there in that bed hardly alive. I've seen my own boys beaten less and watched them die. There was bruises everywhere, cuts and welts and...there wasn't an inch of ya that wasn't hurt, except for ya face. If it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have been able to tell it was you."

He trailed off chocking on the words and I waited patiently. I felt detached as I listened to him describe how I had looked, it was as if he was talking about someone else. I couldn't imagine how I had first looked especially since it was weeks before I was even coherent enough to realize I was alive. I saw the single tear that made it's way down his cheek before he brushed it angrily away and forced himself to go on.

"I made Lucky take me to where they had held ya." Spot continued his eyes burning with hatred. " It wasn't fit for a dog and there was dried blood on the floor. Your blood...... I went crazy, I couldn't take it. I didn't know if you would live or die, but if ya lived I wasn't gonna let him ever touch you again."

"Take me there." I whispered the determination in my voice as I found the perfect way to face my demons. The perfect way to let it all go.

"No." Spot replied. " I can't do that. Lucky says ya don't remember anything and I don't want ya to see what they did."

"Take me Spot." My voice was soft, but the stubborn command made him shake his head not in denial, but in worry. " I have my own demons to exercise, please take me there."

Slowly he stood, helping me up as he did. I followed him as he walked silently down the stairs. Blink, Lucky and Glimmer trailed us through the streets as we walked. Mush stayed back at the Lodging House with Mimic, he had only nodded as Spot had issued his own orders. I pulled my coat around me tightly as we slowed and eventually stopped in front of a ramshackle house not too unlike the one we had found Mimic in.

"Are ya sure?" Spot asked stopping and turning back to me. I nodded and hesitating only for a moment at the door as he opened it.

"Stay here Spot." I told him quietly as I entered the house.

"I'm not letting ya face this alone." Was his stubborn response, I looked at him for a moment then nodded and slowly made my way down the staircase to the room that had been my hell.

A whip lay discarded on the floor, a table with bits of rope that was crudely tied to it was in the corner. A jaggedly dull knife winked from the table as I neared it. Looking at the floor in the faded light I saw the smears of blood on the stone. My screams echoed off the walls to fill my ears. The rope that had held my arms up still hung from the ceiling beams. There were nothing more than vague memories and a dull ache that began to throb in my temples. It was as if all this had been done to someone else.

"It is over." I whispered fiercely to the ghost of the man who had done this. " I will walk out of here and if I can help it I will never think of you again."

"He can't touch ya Briar." Spot's voice echoed in the room as he wrapped his arms around me. "Not ever again,"

"Let's go." I sighed breathing in the scent that was all Spot. I took a deep breath of it trying to block out the smells of the room. I walked from that room taking with someone with me.

The person I had been the person I would continue to be. I would not let him win for in locking myself away I had been doing just that. The trials of my life would not be over, but this one I could close the door on.

" Be careful, my child, your path will not be easy." I heard the gypsies voice echo back at me. What an understatement that had been, had I known what I was signing up for I would thrown that amulet at her head. I had to admit though I learned some of life's most valuable lessons. I thought about the amulet, maybe it was time to give it back to the gypsies.

I looked at Spot who smiled at me, our relationship would not suddenly be okay. There was too much hurt and anger in each other's actions just brush it all aside and forget it. We would have to work through it, but that is what life is. That is what separates fairy tale love from real love. That is what we had lost in the future. With the coming of an easy divorce we had forgotten how to work at a relationship. We expected fairytale endings and if things didn't live up we did not work it out we got a divorce. Too many people got married without the knowledge that a marriage was not only work, but hard work.

I was not expecting marriage from Spot, but it would take an awful lot of work to get beyond the feelings we had accumulated in the past weeks. Work that I thought we would both be able to work through. If we couldn't I hoped we would be able to continue without bitter feelings.

I hoped my secret would not eventually tear us apart. I hoped I would never have to tell him the truth. Unfortunately though whether we want it or not, the truth has a habit of worming it's way out.







Cards: I hope I didn't go too off of his character here. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Chelci: You cried? Really? Wow, I guess I'll take that as a compliment. Was this good enough Glimmer time for you?

Hotshot: Well she's got herself back! Yay, I couldn't loose my character, she makes me laugh too much! You will find that she will make all of the choices you mentioned. That is all I tell you though. I hope you liked this chapter, the last one you seemed a little iffy on.

Ali: Oh my dear, I am so sorry your heart is broken, but I hope Spot and Cameo time has made up for it. Did that explain things enough for you? I hope you're all better now, I updated!

Dreamer: Okay no hostages here you go, hope you liked it!

Spider Chick: People had a much different outlook on punishment then, I tried to stick to it. Hope you liked this chapter!

Raider: More you! And I hope Spot isn't as much of a prick in this chapter. Did you like it?

Rhap: Okay no more tears, well not for another couple of chapters anyway. I hope you enjoyed this. I've really enjoyed your story keep it coming!

JP: Ah, yay, you read and reviewed. Your speechless? Wow I did do good with the last chapter. Hope this one gives you a similar reaction. I hope your Christmas was good. Did Steff go crazy over her presents? Yay you updated too. Okay so did I hope you liked it.

Galaxy: Woah, bad me....sorry. Okay I updated are you happy? Hey guess what now he's not a jerk again. AHHHHHH don't shoot me.

Indy: Okay now you know what happens next. I'll update sooner I promise, I usually do anyway. Hope you liked this one.

Sparkle Conlon: Hey if you make it all the way here guess what (does new reviewer happy dance) you got a shout out! Thank you for reviewing, I hope you continue to like it.

Aycay: Wow what a compliment. Thank you! (See Sparkle Conlon's SO for the dance). I am glad you like it and I hope you continue to do so.

Fearless: Yay you liked it. I'll IM you as soon as the bloody thing will let me log in. We'll talk!

Okay I think that's everyone if I forgot you yell at me and I'll give you another SO when I read me next reviews. Thank you all you are all wonderful!