Dearest

by darkestbeforedawn

As Rin grows older, she begins to wonder about a certain youkai lord that rescued her. Did he do it because he cared, or simply because she was a mere puppet for a amusement?

Dearest

Summary: As Rin grows older, she begins to wonder about a certain youkai lord that rescued her. Did he do it because he cared, or simply because she was a mere puppet for a amusement?
Rating: R, for dark themes and death, lotsa angst, some swearing
Couples: Sesshomaru/Rin. Heavy Angst
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//hontou ni taisetsu na mono igai subete sutete
shimaetara ii no ni ne
genjitsu wa tada zankoku de//

//It would be nice if we could put away and throw out
everything except what really mattered, but
reality is just cruel.//

The nights in the castle are long and dreary. It's not bright anymore. I shuffled about endlessly in my sleep, haunted by memories of wolves tearing my flesh. Sweat matted my face and hair, but I couldn't feel it.

I couldn't feel anything anymore.

You had promised, promised you'd protect me from everything. Why, why then do you mock me in such a way? Do you not understand, not understand that preventing me from seeing your face hurts? I moaned and rolled over on my bed, my own thoughts stopping me from having my dearly needed slumber. My hand reached over to the side of my bed, clutching at it, pretending that it was your hand instead. Tears were threatening to escape, but I wouldn't allow it.

I wouldn't disappoint you. I couldn't.

You had once told me that you disliked any weaknesses. I had been a child then, carefree and sweet. Those were the times that you would protect me from my nightly horrors, holding me in your one arm and whispering soft comforting words that I yet did not understand.

//sonna toki itsu datte
me o tojireba
waratteru kimi ga iru//

//In such times,
I see you laughing
whenever I close my eyes.//

A small, lone tear fell and cursed myself for it. Damn. I wiped it away quickly, slowly getting up and walking past the door to the long hallway.

The moon was shining and it brought me slight joy to see that I wasn't alone. A thin ray of moonlight shone where I was standing, and it illuminated the white yukata(1) I was wearing. I began pacing down the hallway, and found myself in front of the library. I walked in, and faced with a mirror on the other side of the wall. I paused.

And laughed.

I smiled bitterly. What a sickly and pale girl I am. The reflection staring back at me was ghastily pale, and with bark brown hair, it made my already sullen and sad eyes stand out even more. I had grown tall and lanky, unsightly for a girl to look this way.

I can see why you avoid me now.

Such a sad, sad creature. Who would pity her?

I wouldn't even pity myself. I walked closer to the mirror and touched it, watching my doppleganger doing the same.

Oh wait, that was me.

//itsuka eien no nemuri ni tsuku hi made
dou ka sono egao ga
taema naku aru you ni//

//Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling face will
have to stay with me without fail.//

No matter. I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you. You were my saviour. As I was your's, in an odd way. I sat down in front of the glass item, and found myself slightly mesmerized by the shining of the glass.

I wonder how it felt against my skin.

I slid my long thin fingers down the smooth plane, and then clutching at the sides in a pleading manner.

I smashed my other fist against the center, and immediately felt the sharp stabs of pain across my knuckles. Dark, dark red blood slowly dripped it's way down my fingers, and pooled onto the floor.

The contrast was beautiful.

Red on white. White on red. Perfect.

I've finally created something that would match your beauty. Something so cold, yet so perfect.

I'll finally make you proud of me.

Proud of the little girl you saved from the clutches of death.

//hito wa minna kanashii kara
wasurete yuku ikimono dakedo//

//People are all sad, so
they go and forget, but--//

I brought the bleeding fist up to my lap, and the blood leaked it's way down my other arm. I smiled weakly, the feeeling of sleep was truly inviting.

But I won't. I'll wait for you to see this first, something so beautiful created by something so ugly.

I wanted to see you smile approvingly first.

I wanted to see you again before...

I slept. Yes, that's it.

//aisubeki mono no tame
ai o kureru mono no tame dekiru koto//

//For that which I should love,
For that which gives me love, I will do what I can.//

Where are you my dearest? Can't you see that sleep is impatient, and it threatens to lure me into the depths of eternity every second ticking away?

I leaned back a little, and gazed up to the heavens. The soft shadow of a tree branch grazed the floor upon which I sat, and danced with it's friends that were like itself. Shadows.

I glanced at the doorway. A blank space met with my eyes. My beloved, where are you? I heard slight laughter from the leaves outside the window, and smiled.

They were congratulating me on the work of art.

Red on white. White on red.

//deatta ano koro wa
subete ga bukiyou de
toomawari shita yo ne
kizutsuke atta yo ne

//Back then, when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn't we?
We got hurt, didn't we?//

My vision was blurring and my sense of hearing deafened. But that didn't mean I won't be able to sense your prescense when you arrive.

I always knew. No matter how soft your footsteps were, I knew. No matter how quiet you were, I heard. No matter how well camaflauged you were, I saw.

You were everything and the only thing I cared about.

I didn't care about the food you sent me when I was ill. I was worrying whether or not you caught the same illness as me.

It didn't matter that you bought a more expensive kimono for your first wife. The one you got for me was your own mother's.

I didn't cared that people were staring at me when I walked in with a flower wreath on my head. You smiled.

It didn't matter that now, when death is beckoning me, that you don't appear. As long as you can see what I've made later, I'll be able to see your smile.

//itsuka eien no nemuri ni tsuku hi made
dou ka sono egao ga
taema naku aru you ni//

//Until the day I reach eternal sleep,
that smiling face will/p>
have to stay with me without fail.//

I guess I won't be able to see the beauty of my art being gazed upon by you my dearest. Doesn't matter, as long as you see...
A white flash. A growl.

"S-S-Se-Sesshomaru-sama?" My voice cracked from the dizzyness, but I could still make out the tall, elegant form that is you.

"Rin." I heard you say my name firmly, yet...lined with an emotion that I couldn't indentify. I see you hurry over, and lift me into your embrace. I sighed contently. "Se-Se-sshomaru-sama...isn't it beautiful?" I looked up to meet your calm, gold eyes. I knew your answer. But...I wanted to hear it.

Hesistance?

"H-hai. Rin was always beautiful...in my eyes..." I smiled. Lies were such beautiful things. But that's all that's needed to keep me here.Was your voice quivering my dearest? No. I felt the energy slowly drain out of me, and I saw your eyes narrow. Will I stay? No. But I'll watch you. From wherever I end up...

//deatta ano koro wa
subete ga bukiyou de
toomawari shita yo ne
tadoritsuitan da ne//

//Back then, when we met,
it was all awkward.
We went the long way, didn't we?
We got there in the end.//

"Aishteru Sesshomaru-sama......"

My dearest.
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A/N
Alright, this is one of the saddest fics I've ever done. And on Valentine's Day. I guess I was a bit depressed at somethings in life at that point, and inspiration and instinct drove me to do a Sesshomaru/Rin fic. Also, Rin is atleast 21 in this fic, since she's so bitter on life at that point. To people who are a bit confused on this fic, this is basically the summary. 15 years passed by since Sesshomaru rescued Rin, and during that time, Fluffy 'avoided' Rin because he had to take on a wife, but of course he really didn't want to. But he did anyway. The wife he took was a good youkai, and treated Rin very kindly, making Rin feel utterly horrible for loving Sesshomaru. So, day by day, Fluffy avoids Rin, Rin is nibbled away by guilt, she withers away. However, by the end, we know that Fluffy loves Rin, and will probably remember her for the rest of his life. Sweet, ne ? But really sad.
Dedications
To all my friends and family out there, but especially for a certain teacher that I shall not name./p>
To the songs, "Fukai Mori", "Eighth Stop", "Dearest", and "My Will" I was listening to these over and over again, and cooked up this fic during "Dearest".
To all the fanfic writers out there, I applaud you for your courage to make your work public./p>
Foot Notes
1. yukata- a very simple and light kimono. usually worn as sleep wear, or worn around the house. also, it can be worn in the summertime to attend festivals.
2. Aishiteru....sayonara eien- I love you....