Notes:

AU fic

[- Ramblings -] = thoughts/telepathy

Italic sentences = memories

[[[ - blah blah - ]]] = thoughts/memories w/c are read by Schuldig

POV: 1st POV of Schuldig, some 3rd POV

Yaoi: Pairings: SchuXblah blah blah

Warning: the usual swearings and messings… and add the insults too… and so, the rating will change to PG-13, because it might cause a young reader to be forever petrified.

My Suicide, My Pain

Chapter 3: Superego, Ego, Id, and damnation

"Shit, was that your brother or what?" Youji was still on the entrance, scowling. Yeah, it was something of a sight, him scowling and I, staring at the door where the so-called Nagi Naoe probably escaped. I noticed Youji seemed to look manly in his scowling state… weird… the first time I saw him he looked kinda… girly. Yeah…

I shook my head and turned to look at the folders. My mind was still full of confused thoughts about that kid, that it almost reached to a headache. I don't even know what he wanted; his mind was entirely closed with strong mental shields.

Right now I feel vulnerable. So fucking vulnerable.

"So, hey Mr. Schuldig, can we start? My time is with you is already ticking down…"

I was still staring down at the floor, getting my mind blank so anything won't interfere with my business.

I heard the blond sigh, and then a soft plop followed. "Hey, hello? Are you sure you're earning money that way? Hey carrot-head!" a note of frustration rose from his voice.

Finally I tilted up my head, ignoring the taunt, reminding myself that this is business, and nothing more. This man might look like a lost circus man needing medication, but certainly he is my patient. Sighing audibly, I picked up the folder and scanned the pages.

I let out a soft whistle.

This Kudou Youji is something. His documents told me that he was a former detective and was practically haunted by images of dead bodies and unusual dreams of death. His main problem, however, was that he become depressed for some reason he doesn't know, and has troubles identifying his personality and mood. It was written that he haven't experienced losing a loved one and his difficulties were considerably 'easy' for a normal person, plus according to my subject, there was something in him that doesn't come out, which is the possible source of his issue.

So that means my gift is overly needed in his case. I let out a sigh. Well, almost everytime I use it… This is not different from my other patients… I glimpsed at the clock consciously, discovering that there's only thirty minutes left for our meeting…

"Mr. Kudou, can you please relax and lie down on the couch?" Youji obliged immediately, sensing my haste and my jumbled, near confused emotions printed on my eyes. All the sounds seem to disappear from the room as I focused my mind on my patient. I stared aimlessly at something, I don't know what, because all I see is black, and then here it comes: the loops of thoughts entering my mind, nearly my own voice, mixing with mine. And there were some blurred pictures appearing on my blackened sight, some Youji's, some unknown – faceless.

[[["Youji, you didn't pay the electricity bill again! Damn you!" "Damn yourself, old geezer, you're the one making a mess." "If you just work better so that fucking company will pay you more!" "Yeah, sure, how about you? You're a fucking couch potato! And don't even curse the company I work in! Shit!" "Youji, the… the… DEAD! Dead!" "What happened? Jesus! Who killed them?" "Bring it in the morgue. Fast." "Can you hear it, Youji? Can you hear its fucking heart? You killed him, you're a murderer! You fucking killed him, I know it!" "I didn't kill him, no, shit! You're the only one who can blame yourself! You were there, and you even fucking deny it! You KILLED HIM!" "Youji, you're a worthless son of a bitch, remember, I raised your fucking brains, so don't ever, ever raise your voice on me!" "Damn you! Don't ever show your stinking face around here anymore! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL KILL YOU!"]]]

The armchair I was sitting on tumbled backwards, and I screamed, "God!" I collapsed on the floor, cradling my head in my hands. The voices were becoming louder and louder until it became unbearably loud that I feel as if my head was going to burst… The sharp edge of the voices were tearing my skull apart, and I gripped my hair to loosen the pain. But all my efforts were worthless…

Kudou bolted from the couch, I know, because the sounds around were becoming sharp, even the contact of his boots on the floor, or even the air touching my skin. A big blur with almost yellow hair faced me, shaking my shoulders as I continued to scream. And on this point, I fear that I would lose my own thoughts and start once again on my babyhood… Damn, no…

For some reason, all the thoughts that enter my head are tragic, loud, and full of hate.

Damn you, Youji, are you doing this intentionally…

I began to shout incoherent words as the door opened, and a mass of red hair appeared beside the blond's. The slight bang of the door racked my brains… My mental shields… No, it's breaking apart… Am I going to live? Am I going to lose myself? Damn no, no…

"What did you do?"

"I don't know… He suddenly was there, on the floor…"

Am I still alive? But the voices disappeared, and the thoughts were not in my mind anymore… Is this heaven? Am I being questioned if I deserve to be here?

"Did he had some troubles before he used his telepathy on you?"

"Yeah, I think so. This small boy seemed to disturb his mind."

"Small boy?"

The voices were swirling when it reached my ears. I tried to open my eyes, but the slight movement caused a stabbing pain in my head. Heck, what time is it? I need my job; it's what I live for…

"With dark hair. But that's the only thing I remember about the kid. It left quickly after I went into the room. I didn't remember what it wore, but one thing's for sure – it's a kid."

[- Manx… -] the addressed gasped, stopping the conversation with the person she's with. I forgot who it was… I vaguely heard Manx's answer from her mind.

[- Yes? Are you okay? -]

[- No, I am not okay. What time is it? -]

"Manx?" the other voice asked.

"Keep quiet, Mr. Schuldig has already awakened and rejuvenating his mental shields," Manx said in a whisper.

[- Manx… -]

[- You should rest, Mr. Schuldig. Don't force yourself. -]

The unclear voice of Manx irritated me slightly. [- The time, Manx… -] I felt weak.

[- It's not going to change anything. Please, rest. Sleep. -]

"Damn it, what's the time?!" I yelled, but I guess for the two people there, it's more of a hoarse whisper.

The unfamiliar voice swirled in my hearing. "Two thirty in the afternoon."

[- I'm damned. What about my patients? -] I asked Manx faintly. I tried hard to focus on Manx only. Luckily, Manx have got a blank mind so I'm safe in it…

[- Some set up another appointment, and the others obeyed Mr. Chezit's suggestion. -] a hint of annoyance blended in Manx's reply. Bitter.

[- And that is? -]

"Manx?" the alien voice said. Manx replied with an exasperated 'wait'.

[- To visit our beloved boss-psychologist, who apparently is busy with so many things. Mr. Chezit's position will go low because of his moron ideas. Our boss-psychologist can be very dangerous sometimes. -] Manx snickered. Bitter once again. I nearly tasted it…

[- Ah… He's dead. -] I sighed and closed the connection. Manx sensed this and turned to the other person.

"Now, Mr. Kudou, you may go. You can set another appointment if you want. I'll lead you to my desk," Manx stood up, her heels clicking, the sound going faint, and fainter.

"Mr. Schuldig, see you another time…" the called Mr. Kudou said before going out of the room.

And then I finally remembered the voice. That blond who called himself Kudou Youji. Yeah… I managed a smirk before I closed my senses and let myself drift in the black, fathomless cycle called sleep.

(Third POV)

The farthest hallway on the building was stifling hot; every inch of the long seats was occupied, and there were more than twenty people cramping their asses on the seats. Fortunately, there were attendants who made the situation more tolerable, for every head staying on the hallway had terrible mind problems, which is extremely dangerous to themselves, and the people around them. There was audible banging of things inside the consultation room, and some curses in other languages.

A middle-aged woman stood up, her face impassive and then began to rap on the door of the consultation room. One of the attendants restrained the woman and made her seat once again on the seats with the other waiting people.

"Damn, whatever happened to that psychologist!" a man yelled, checking his watch, then looking at the girl beside him, who obviously needed help.

"I heard he went into a convulsion because of his… what was that? Telepity?" a man in street clothes informed.

"Telepathy, dimwit," a redhead murmured almost inaudibly, but unfortunately, the man heard it and pounced the redhead. There was a sudden loud pouncing filling the hallway, which was immediately noticed by the attendants.

"Hey! Hey! Stop it!" a big-jawed attendant broke the pouncing, which was mostly done by the man in the street clothes, whose eyes flashing angrily at the redhead.

"Hn. This is stupid. Waste of time," the redhead said to himself.

One of the attendants sighed haggardly as he studied the situation. He fanned himself before making the remark to his co-worker. "Damn, I understand why boss is wrecking his office just now. There are a bunch of demented people squeezed in this room! Even I couldn't handle this."

The redhead glared at the attendant. "I'm not demented. My stupid sister suggested this stupid thing," he whispered again to himself.

Suddenly, the banging and cursing inside the consultation room terminated, followed by a seemingly harrassed secretary peeking out of the room. "May I call Mr. Ran Fujimiya? You're first," the secretary stammered.

The pissed off redhead stood up in his full height, the long stick of his earring swaying with his walk. His all-black attire contrasted his white skin and all in all he was manly, just reduce those sideburns and he's all Mr. Sex-God-for-all-genders. And so, he went in the room, to another room and was told to wait for the doctor to come.

While he was waiting for the doctor, Ran gazed at the leeway. It was a very dark room, the wallpaper design was black smoke with red on the background. The couch he was sitting on was grey, and was made with pure leather. In front of him was a black armchair, but the thing that made the atmosphere of relaxation are the dim yellow lights.

But also, it denotes foreboding and fear. The crashing and booming were heard once again, and much audible to Ran.

A long loop of curses in different languages followed. Ran felt a shiver travelling up his spine as the voice came close. A moment later, the owner of the angry man appeared in front of Ran.

The redhead didn't know if he would just stare, or say, 'thank you, but I think I'll set another appointment another day' to the psychologist. For evidently, the man's eyes in front of him said, 'KILL'. But Ran just stared at his boots.

The secretary's head popped from behind the other room. "Sir, would I time your meeting already?"

"You should. Thirty minutes would suffice," deep, cold, drawling. The secretary shivered and closed the door.

"So," the psychologist's glasses glared from the light. "We haven't met, have we?"

"No."

He sighed and sat on the armchair. Slowly, he removed his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. "You should know I shouldn't be doing this, but I am now. So, first things first. Your name?"

"Ran Fujimiya."

The psychologist returned his glasses and studied the redhead. "So Ran. What's been bothering you? Anything that I can help you with? Oh, your sister persuaded you to do this." Ran closed his mouth, but it won't close. Hey, it was exactly the thing he was going to say!

The man brushed his dark hair back, and a few stubborn strands were left, slightly covering his right eye. He smoothened his grey Americana and then clasped his other hand. "And so, according to your sister, what is it that you have to consult about?"

"About me."

The doctor sighed. "Of course. So tell me about what is happening to you."

Ran thought about this, and said in a monotone: "In my sister's words: 'my obsession'."

"What kind of obsession? Obsession towards an object? So it is on a person."

Ran stared at the psychologist quizzically.

The doctor sighed once again. "Sorry, I have to rush our meeting. So, you are obsessed about a person, who is it, specifically?"

"My sister."

A normal person should gape at a man who mentioned he is obsessed with his own sibling. That case can be classified in the incest category… But this psychologist did not even react to the patient's statement, and it just made it more disturbing.

"So I see. Oh, I nearly forgot. First things first, I have said. Mr. Fujimiya, I'm Dr. Bradley Crawford, and I hope you can elaborate more on your problem after you file another appointment next time, because our time is out." He made a gesture of his hands to the door. "You may go now, Mr. Fujimiya."

Ran stared impassively again at the psychologist and wondered if he really graduated from a decent university. Nevertheless, he stood up and walked to the door. When he opened it, and was greeted by the secretary, Dr. Crawford called, saying, "That's only half of what I usually charge, Tot."

And to Ran, he said in a semi-sarcastic gleeful voice: "Have a nice day."

Author's note: I hope it's not too lame. Wait, did I concentrate on Schuldig's thoughts? Hmm… Anyway, obviously this is not the end yet. I have too much to write about Schwarz and I love giving twisted roles… hehehe anyone want to make a kitten gay? *cackles* Of course that is unplanned, but anyone like to make me try? Heheheh… anyway, on the serious side, thanks for all the reviews. Again, reviews are completely welcomem, it would absolutely cure my chaotic mind plus it would also help me. Thank you.